A few years ago, my family and I started a new tradition on New Years Eve. We all sit down and write down what we think will happen in the next year, and the next five years on a piece of paper. We then put those pieces of paper into an envelope to only be opened on their corresponding years. On New Years Day we open the predictions and in most cases, we laugh alot cause what we thought would happen ends up being so far from what actually happened. It's a lot of fun, and I think will become more interesting once Zeb is really old enough to take full advantage of his predictions.
2011 brought about some real changes in our lives. Some good, some not so good, some we thought would be good but turned out not to be as good as we hoped. We moved from the only home Zeb had ever known to a different home. He started school in his old school but moved to a new one a month later. Damie started a new job, well, she started doing what she has always been doing just for another company. As for me, I have tried to keep up with the changes, spending most of my time this year getting ready for a move, and then settling after the move.
At the end of 2010 I was not speaking to my parents. They were not in Canada over Christmas or New Years so I was able to spend that time with my family and found that it created a great deal less stress in our lives and we had a more relaxed holiday! Now we are at the end of 2011 and both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer, one with terminal and the other with the worst kind of melanoma that you can get, we are currently waiting on the results from the biopsy to see if it has travelled to her lymph nodes. We know that 2012 will bring loss to us, but at this point we are just not sure how much. We are keeping our fingers crossed!
2011 has brought me some of the darkest moments in my life, but nothing I can't recover from. I have returned to therapy, with a wonderful therapist I just happened to stumble on. With her help I hope to rid myself of some of the demons that still lie inside me, and maybe even work out a way to accept myself, flaws and all. I hope that with her help I can become a better mother to Zeb, learning to be kinder, softer, more present in his life. I hope that with her help I can become a stronger, more capable woman.
I turned 44 in 2011! Everyone says (okay, maybe not everyone but Oprah says) that you discover things about yourself in your 40's that change your perspective of who you are, who you want to be, and how you see your world. I think that is exactly what I have been going through. I need a new perspective, cause the one I have right now is a bit more darker than I would like. I have a hard time looking at the future as being something good, but rather one of instability and fear. I also need to forgive myself for things that I have held in my heart, but shouldn't have ever felt guilt about. And I need to shut off all the noise.
What I have found over the course of the last couple of years is all the noise that enters my head every day. From facebook to news, to gaming machines to having the TV on every waking moment! I have stopped thinking deeply at all, instead I divert my attention to something else. The noise distracts me from the things I really need to focus on, I use it so that I don't have to go to the places I need to work on. I think we all do to some extent. I have to figure out what it's like to just be in my own feelings, and thoughts. I have to figure out what it's like to not have constant stimulation....that drowns me!!!
Because of this noise issue, I have decided to turn it all off. I am going to allow myself one hour of television a day, no computer time except blogging daily, and no other sources of media. I am going to try to live my daily life doing the have too's (like laundry, cleaning etc.) in the A.M. and in the P.M. doing only things I love to do, things I never seem to get too because I get so wrapped up in the have too's that I never do any like too's. I am going to concentrate on doing things like walking the dog twice a day, and then also walking for myself three or four times a week (by for myself I mean with walking sticks and going at my own pace and not having to deal with a barking, sniffing, pooping dog) I am going to try to clear my mind through meditation, and work on shutting it all off. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to find balance. I am going to make sure every single piece of food going into my mouth serves a purpose, instead of only serving pleasure. I need to re look at food, and see it as something I need to live, not something I live for. I am going to treat it like medication, instead of as entertainment. Instead of sitting down at eight o'clock to zone out and watch TV, I am going to enjoy kid free time with my partner. I am going to sit down with her and talk, instead of just mindlessly going through the evening. I am looking forward to all of this.
I am determined to make 2012 different. I want to succeed at this, as finishing a project lately has become very difficult for me. I want to make me different, and then maybe we will all become a little different. I think sometimes we kind of fall into the same old dull routine, and I really need to shake that routine up a bit. It has become abundantly obvious that life really is so short. I need to maximize my time here, to live every moment like it's my last, and above all make sure I fill Zeb with memories that stay with him forever.
My wish for all of you in 2012 is that you two will find peace, fulfillment, and joy!! I hope all of you can discover that person inside you that is so eager to come out but up to this point you just haven't had the time to open the cage. I hope you all are happy most of all, and that in that happiness you change your world. If we all were just happier, gosh would the world be a much better place to wake up to??
Here's to 2011, you were good to me, but I am sooo done with you Cheers!!
2012, I hope you are a more gentle year, bring me more peace, happiness and love!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It's funny how things work!
It's funny how things work. We grow up, move out, start a career, get married, start a family, all the while getting older, but never really noticing how our parents are aging. For some reason I have just always seen my parents as this age, and to be quite honest have never really thought they wouldn't just keep on doing what they are doing forever. We take it all for granted, never really thinking about how limited they are until something happens and your realize you parents really aren't going to be here forever. This realization has happened for me and my family over the course of the last couple of months.
In September my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It is in his lungs, spine and blood, and because he has had a very compromised heart for the last 20 yrs, they are not offering any treatment. The plan is to make sure he is as comfortable as they can make him, and hope that the doesn't suffer more than necessary.
In the last two months I have watched him go from the dad I have always known, to this frail, weak, defeated man. He is in pain more than he isn't, he now has to use a walker to make it to the bathroom, and he sleeps more of the day away than he is awake. Because the drugs make him not hungry he doesn't eat more than 400 calories a day, and is wasting away. The man I once thought of as superman as a child is now a tiny little man. I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes, and I can see him trembling as he sits and tries to make like he is okay. I see that he knows this is the end, but has not quite got there with the acceptance part. Somewhere deep inside he knows there aren't many more sunsets in his future, but for us, those that he feels he needs to be strong for, he lets on like he will be fine in no time. He is putting on a brave front, and all I want him to do is sit and cry and get all those feelings out. But he just isn't there yet. I can't imagine how it must feel to know you really are going to go. I think there comes a day when you welcome that exit, but until that day, it must be really scary.
No matter what the relationship has been over the years, watching this happen to someone who you love is beyond imaginable, but what is even harder to watch is my mother. She is trying to do it all, to make sure he is looked after well at the end, because that is exactly what that 53 yrs has all been about, making it to death. I look at her and I feel like I should be doing more, but time and distance makes doing more impossible. My concern is that this will age her, but what can I do, she will not hear of putting him in the hospital or in hospice so that some of the load can be taken off. She will do it, and that is all there is to it.
Because he had a very serious heart attack in 1986 and then a triple bi-pass in 1996 I really thought that we would lose him suddenly, in his sleep or as a result of a fatal heart attack but instead, we have been given this time, which gives us the chance to maybe not heal wounds but to acknowledge them and move past them. At the end of ones life, is it really important to rehash things that you couldn't seem to have the time or energy to fix before, is it really the time to list off all the things you feel they failed at, is it really the time to blame them. I don't think so. I think it's a time to ready yourself for the unknown, in my dads case, and for me to morn the things we were unable to fix. I think that it will take me time and effort to move beyond the things that happened between us, but right now I just feel the need for him to know that no matter what I love him, and always will.
I have lost many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, co-workers and family members. Many people whom I have loved very much and who were great influences on my life, but losing a parent feels so different. The thoughts of losing him is in so many ways very scary to me. No matter how well or how poor you got along with them, they are your blood, your history. They knew you before anyone else did. Losing him makes me think that one day I will be without parents on this earth. That is very scary. I fear going threw this again with my mother, knowing that she is the last one and we will be on our own after she is gone. It scares me to think that I will not have that reference, the person to ask when I have questions about raising my son, or the changes I will go through in my life. I am scared to be all on my own, in a way that you never really are until they are gone.
I have a family of my own now, and I know that they are my future, but that does not change the fact that he is my daddy! He is the only one I have ever had, and I am apart of him and he me, and when he goes he will take a piece of my heart with him.
To those of you who have taken the time to read this, will you do me a favor. If there is someone in your life that you have things undone with, or words that need to be said, please take the time this Christmas to say those things. Hug the ones you love like there is no tomorrow, and forget about all the crap that seems to build walls around us. Tell the people dear to you how you really feel about them, and slow down enough to enjoy it!!!
In September my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It is in his lungs, spine and blood, and because he has had a very compromised heart for the last 20 yrs, they are not offering any treatment. The plan is to make sure he is as comfortable as they can make him, and hope that the doesn't suffer more than necessary.
In the last two months I have watched him go from the dad I have always known, to this frail, weak, defeated man. He is in pain more than he isn't, he now has to use a walker to make it to the bathroom, and he sleeps more of the day away than he is awake. Because the drugs make him not hungry he doesn't eat more than 400 calories a day, and is wasting away. The man I once thought of as superman as a child is now a tiny little man. I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes, and I can see him trembling as he sits and tries to make like he is okay. I see that he knows this is the end, but has not quite got there with the acceptance part. Somewhere deep inside he knows there aren't many more sunsets in his future, but for us, those that he feels he needs to be strong for, he lets on like he will be fine in no time. He is putting on a brave front, and all I want him to do is sit and cry and get all those feelings out. But he just isn't there yet. I can't imagine how it must feel to know you really are going to go. I think there comes a day when you welcome that exit, but until that day, it must be really scary.
No matter what the relationship has been over the years, watching this happen to someone who you love is beyond imaginable, but what is even harder to watch is my mother. She is trying to do it all, to make sure he is looked after well at the end, because that is exactly what that 53 yrs has all been about, making it to death. I look at her and I feel like I should be doing more, but time and distance makes doing more impossible. My concern is that this will age her, but what can I do, she will not hear of putting him in the hospital or in hospice so that some of the load can be taken off. She will do it, and that is all there is to it.
Because he had a very serious heart attack in 1986 and then a triple bi-pass in 1996 I really thought that we would lose him suddenly, in his sleep or as a result of a fatal heart attack but instead, we have been given this time, which gives us the chance to maybe not heal wounds but to acknowledge them and move past them. At the end of ones life, is it really important to rehash things that you couldn't seem to have the time or energy to fix before, is it really the time to list off all the things you feel they failed at, is it really the time to blame them. I don't think so. I think it's a time to ready yourself for the unknown, in my dads case, and for me to morn the things we were unable to fix. I think that it will take me time and effort to move beyond the things that happened between us, but right now I just feel the need for him to know that no matter what I love him, and always will.
I have lost many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, co-workers and family members. Many people whom I have loved very much and who were great influences on my life, but losing a parent feels so different. The thoughts of losing him is in so many ways very scary to me. No matter how well or how poor you got along with them, they are your blood, your history. They knew you before anyone else did. Losing him makes me think that one day I will be without parents on this earth. That is very scary. I fear going threw this again with my mother, knowing that she is the last one and we will be on our own after she is gone. It scares me to think that I will not have that reference, the person to ask when I have questions about raising my son, or the changes I will go through in my life. I am scared to be all on my own, in a way that you never really are until they are gone.
I have a family of my own now, and I know that they are my future, but that does not change the fact that he is my daddy! He is the only one I have ever had, and I am apart of him and he me, and when he goes he will take a piece of my heart with him.
To those of you who have taken the time to read this, will you do me a favor. If there is someone in your life that you have things undone with, or words that need to be said, please take the time this Christmas to say those things. Hug the ones you love like there is no tomorrow, and forget about all the crap that seems to build walls around us. Tell the people dear to you how you really feel about them, and slow down enough to enjoy it!!!
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