The people who change us.
There are people in our lives who change us, some for the better, some not so much. They come in when they are needed and sometimes are only there for a very short time, but no matter the length they play an important role in your development, and help drive your path through life. I have had a few, and without them I don't know how things would have turned out.
When I was five years old I was being sexually assaulted (I used to use abused, but assaulted is the better term) by a family friend. The assault took place on many occasions, and completely changed who I was. I was too young to understand what was happening to me, all I know is I worked really hard to just survive. I focused so much of my energy just trying to get from one day to the next, and trying hard to make sure no one knew. I needed to do that because he told me if anyone found out, I would be in a lot of trouble.
During this time, I started to defecate like a toddler again. My mother took me to the Dr. because I would hold my #2's in until I couldn't anymore and then I would have an accident before I could make it to the bathroom. I remember how frustrated my Mother was with this, it was beyond her understanding. Why wouldn't it be, I was potty trained, I hadn't had any accidents in two to three years by this time, why would it all of a sudden start. Well, she didn't know what was happening, so she thought it was my fault. The Dr. put me on laxatives, thinking this would cause me to have to go and I wouldn't be able to hold it. It didn't work. This just made the situation worse.
During the first and second grade I fell asleep in class all the time. My teacher would put her sweater over my shoulders and let me sleep. I guess I wasn't sleeping well at home, so this is where I felt safe. My teacher, although not exactly the nicest of teachers, seemed to made adjustments for me.
In the third grade my marks started to get bad. They thought I wasn't trying hard enough, they thought I had a learning disability, they thought I just needed to focus. The solution to this was to put me in the cloak room in the classroom (completely divided off from the rest of the class). In the cloak room I used a tape recorder and headphones to do my work. There were recorded lessons on the tapes, and I would have a booklet I would answer the questions in. I was isolated, I was alone, and I was embarrassed. Kids made fun of me, they stopped playing with me, and it made school rather challenging to go to. The lessons on tape didn't work, I failed that year.
The following year, I refer to it as grade three number two, I was given a teacher who had to go on maternity leave at Christmas. A substitute came in to take the class for the rest of the year. She was my first Angel. She didn't have children of her own at this time, but really enjoyed being around them. She would sit at the side of the classroom marking papers, keeping an eye on the class and would often let me come over and sit next to her. She and I would talk quietly sitting there. She would explain things to me, she would help me, but most importantly she made me feel cared about. She would often touch my arm, or put her arm around my shoulders, she would tell me how smart I was, how nice I was. She made sure that everyday we had a special moment together connecting. I never told her what was happening in my life, but what that year did for me is it made me understand that there are people out there who were going to care.
When I was eleven years old a family member started to sexually assault me. This changed me again. This was beyond my understanding. I was completely lost. My grades were bad, I had no friends, I acted out in class, I acted out on the playground, I acted out at home. For those looking in they must have thought I had no discipline. I was often in the Principals office, or in detention. I was often being told that so and so couldn't be my friend anymore. I became aggressive, to the point where I would hurt other kids. I was miserable, and everyone around me was miserable. This went on for the next couple of years, until I met my second Angel.
I started going to Pathfinders (Senior Girl Guides). My leader was a strong, supportive, kind woman, who formed a relationship with me. She knew my Grandmother well, and had a great deal of respect for her, which in turn made her want to get to know me. She opened her heart to me, she showed me affection, she showed me caring and concern. She was a great listener (although I never told her what was happening to me). I think she knew there was something about me, and I am so glad she was there. We soon started spending time outside of those Monday night meetings together. She would include me in some of her weekend plans, we would go see things that she loved, we would participate in things she wanted to do. I enjoyed her company, and with her I felt safe. Later, I would tell her everything, she would know it all. She never changed her opinion of me, she wasn't hurt that I hadn't told her sooner, she just loved me. If it weren't for her I am not at all sure I would have survived high school.
At about this time I met, who I didn't know at the time, but would become one of the closest friends I would ever have. The two of us were inseparable. We went everywhere together. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk. She was the friend I had always hoped one day I would have. We would have sleepovers, and during those night we would stay up late and talk and talk. Eventually there wasn't anything she didn't know about me. I had felt free for the first time, free to show someone who I really was. She changed me, she made me soft, she helped me see the good in me, she reminded me that I was worth it. She was my third Angel. And she would walk beside me through some of the darkest days of my life.
Later, after high school and college, the day came when I had to talk about what happened to me. I knew I needed help, I knew I needed to get all of the demons out. My first step was going to my family doctor. He had known me since I was eight years old, and even though I was all grown up, he would still rub the top of my head each time he walked into the office. I didn't feel comfortable talking to him because I was afraid he wouldn't see me the same way. I started to, but stopped and asked him to refer me to someone. He did. The first person I went to wasn't any good. She didn't seem to care. I couldn't tell her much, we didn't connect. I then sort of just floundered for a while, trying hard to keep it all together. I finally decided to go to a female doctor in my town. I had heard good things about her so I made an appointment.
The first time I walked into her office I knew we were kindred spirits. She had kind eyes, a warm smile, a great laugh and a way of talking that made me feel like nothing I was going to do or say was going to upset her, or make her not like me. We talked for a few minutes and then we decided we would start meeting weekly. That became my life. Every week I would go to her and tell her all the crap and she would listen, cry, hold me, and each week it all got a little bit better. She got me into a group therapy session, and worked really hard to keep me moving from one day to the next to the next. She helped me though so many things, all the time making sure that she was doing what was best for me, not for others. I had a very close friend die in this time, and she held me up. She anticipated things I never would have thought of. She made sure that I was taken care of 100% of the time. She arranged for me to stay in the hospital at night and out through the day. This allowed me to carry on a "normal" life but to also know that I was safe at night. She opened her life to me, and her home. She allowed me in. I got to know and love her children, her husband, I became a part of her family. She was my forth Angel. I know that I would have never lived though those years without her.
Since then I have had many people who have been in and out of my life, each one has brought something, or taken something. I have leaned, I have suffered, I have hurt and I have been loved. But if it weren't for those four Angels I wouldn't know what life would be like today.
I am lucky, I was one of the lucky ones. Not everyone ends up that way, not everyone finds those Angels. Today I have my own family, and dear friends who I can count on, who love me, and who let me love them. This would never have ever been possible without those ones that came before.
My message with all of this is simple. Be that person, play that role, pay attention, and be open. You never know what you might do for another human. I am sure lots of these people in my life had no idea what impact they made, or what difference they encouraged. The smallest of things can save a life, laterally. If you find yourself in position in life where you are around children, be willing to be open, you don't know what might be going on in their lives. Don't push people away, you don't know, they maybe looking for the rope to hold on to, and you just might be it.
All of the people who have helped me along the way will never know how truly grateful I am, how much they mean to me, or what could have happened without them. I am who I am today because of all the good that came after all the bad.
