Bullying!

Over the course of the past year or so we have been hearing regularly about one child or another committing suicide as a result of being bullied.  What is going wrong with our kids nowadays??  These cases of bullying have been because some kids feel it is okay to hate someone strictly due to their sexuality, or presumed sexuality.  The last case involved a young man named Jamey Rodemeyer.  Lady Gaga dedicated a song to him, as he was a big fan of hers and had tweeted her before taking his life (you gotta love someone who puts their money where their mouth is.  I love Lady Gaga for this reason, and so many others).  He was bullied because of his bi sexuality.  Again, what is happening to kids nowadays??

I truly feel that this behaviour comes straight from the parents, not like they are telling their kids to go bully fags, but they are teaching them in the home that homo's are evil and should be destroyed.  If you don't believe that, than you are naive.  There is so much hate taught to our kids, not in school, but at home.  It comes from an early age, and is breed into them.  It doesn't always come from what the parents have chosen to believe, but comes from the churches they affiliate with.  There are churches that teach that homosexuality is the ultimate sin, and all who partake in that act should be dammed.  One of the major reason's I no longer go to church, but that is another story, one I will save for another time.

I moved to Houston Texas in 2001.  I met Damie online and within months I moved to be with her.  When I first lived there we lived in a one room apartment in an area in Houston called the Heights.  It was what some would call, "an up and coming area" of Houston.  It was mostly run down, low income, and had some pretty shady characters inhabiting it.  It was a place where artist, musicians and thespians had started to move into, and make it unique and interesting.  But those who are not a musician, thespian or artist living there are mostly low income, low educated people.  The rents were cheap and the houses were plentiful. 

While living in our small apartment I experienced my very first homophobic act.  One night, shortly before Christmas, Damie and I were enjoying the cool of the evening on the front steps of the complex.  It was a nice night, and we were enjoying the reprieve from the heat.  There was a small girl across the street playing in her side yard.  She was about 10 or 11, she was minding her own business and we ours.  Suddenly, and without notice we had a Christmas light thrown at us and break into pieces close to us on the sidewalk leading up to the complex, then another, and another  all smashing into tiny pieces.  If you have never had one of those old fashion, big bulbs break on you, you will be surprised to know that when they hit the sidewalk the break like a small firecracker going off.  We were shocked and surprised, but what followed surprised us more.  Soon after a few where thrown, the girl across the street came out of the shadows and started throwing light bulbs and yelling, "stupid dykes".  Shortly after that she changed up what she was saying to "die dykes".  Damie and I were shocked, a little scared, but most of all we were surprised that this was coming from such an innocent child.  Where did she come up with such hate, how does this happen??  We moved to another apartment, where we thought it would be better, we were wrong.

We moved into a really nice new apartment in a different section of the Heights.   We were both excited, and hoped for a better living environment.  The apartment was in a one level home that had been divided into three apartments.  Our apartment was a one bedroom at the front of the house, there was a larger two bedroom in the middle and an even larger apartment in the back that had three bedrooms.  The middle apartment was occupied with two brothers who worked in construction, they seemed nice and friendly.  The back apartment was occupied by a small family, which consisted of a husband and wife and their teen aged daughter.  It was a very nice place to live at first.  We spoke to all of the people pretty regularly, but mostly to the middle guys who seemed to be a bit more friendly than the back family.  They were fun loving, party animals, but never got too out of hand.  After a few months one of the brothers had his girlfriend move in, and we really liked her.  She was nice and friendly and would often come over and chat when we were outside.  She seemed to mix in well with everyone, until one day we found out that she had split with the brother because he found out that she had once had a boyfriend who was black.  She was very upset, and just seemed to disappear.  A few months after that we started to have trouble with the family at the back.  One day I came across the mother going through our mailbox (they were traditional mail boxes at the end of the driveway, one for each apartment).  I asked her what she was doing and she said that they thought they were not getting all their mail, and that some of their mail was being put in our mailbox by accident.  I explained to her that if that were to ever happen we would make sure she got her mail, but not to go through ours any longer.  I thought she understood and that that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.  She continued to go through our mail and it got to the point where I had to say that we would be calling the police if she didn't stop going into our mailbox, which of course lead her to calling me a fat dyke, as well as a great deal of other things, and then it was bad from that day on.  We soon felt quite uncomfortable living there, and explained this to the landlord, who did nothing.  We moved once again.

These are the only real instances where I have felt bullied for my sexuality.  I know there have been people who have chosen not to be friends with me, and there have been people who have kept their distance from me, but nothing so obvious as these two instances.  Where does this attitude come from, where do they learn that it is okay to treat people who are different than them like this?  I have to wonder.  Maybe they are just ignorant, maybe they were raised to believe this, maybe they are just bullies that have always attracted the weaker, or the ones who are more vulnerable.  I don't know.

When I was a kid I can't say I was ever really bullied.  I was teased, or at least that's how I saw it.  There were things about me that kids would make fun of, sometimes they were the same kids, sometimes it was different kids.  There was always teasing to some extent or another with every kid.  Maybe you had a funny name, maybe you were a brain, maybe you had red hair, maybe you had different habits.  Whatever it was, whoever it was, we were all teased at one time or another.  I know there were kids in my school who might have been teased more, maybe they were weaker and didn't ever defend themselves, maybe they had personalities that made them not want to attack back. What ever the case, bullying happened and if happened often.  The difference is I don't remember anyone ever killing themselves over it.

There was one time in my life, when I was in my early teens where I came across a bully.  She treated me like a friend, and I bought it up hook line and sinker.  I wanted to be friends with her, she was popular, had lots of money, and did whatever her heart desired.  Everyone seemed to flock to her, and I was one of them.  When she gave me the time of day, I was there like a dirty shirt.  I felt accepted, wanted and in some small way popular finally.  This girl took that friendship, my innocence and my willingness to please and used it to her advantage.  She led me to believe we were friends, shared secrets with me, and I with her, just to take it all and turn it back on me.  She, and a group of friends that she had, let me in just to turn on me in a way no one had ever turned on me before, or since.   She made me feel small, meaningless, but most of all she made me feel embarrassed.  She was a true bully.

A few weeks ago this same girl, who is now all grown up with kids of her own, asked for my friendship on facebook.  I couldn't believe it. All those feeling from all those years ago came flooding back, and I felt worthless all over again.  I was right back to being a teenager.  Gosh that's an awful feeling.  I sat at my desk pondering, do I accept it or not.  Do I let her in, when I felt and remembered what she had done to me all those years ago. Do I give her the satisfaction of knowing me now, when she didn't really want to know me than?  I sat at my desk for a long time and thought about it.  I decided to ask Damie what she thought and her feeling was to not accept it as there is no need to have someone like that in your life in any capacity.  I decided to accept her friendship, mainly because I think we all do things we are not proud of when we are young and stupid, and because we all deserve a second chance.  I hope I made the right decision and that I don't live to regret it.  Time will tell.

While raising my son I have tried to teach him that you have to attempt to resolve conflicts with others.  We talk about the fact that others are different from him, and even though they maybe different those differences are what makes life interesting.  I have also tried to teach him boundaries, and that those boundaries are up to his discretion and only he can decide when someone has overstepped those boundaries.  I have also shown him, by example, how to deal with people who overstep boundaries and that it can be done without anyone getting hurt.  The thing about bullying, in my opinion, is that no one can bully you if you don't let them.  People can try to make you feel bad about who you are, but unless you believe them, their attempts don't work.  It is my feeling that we need to help our kids have strong self images, and that self esteem is so important.  Knowing what is happening to your kid, and talking about what's happening will help them feel empowered to stand up for themselves, and not let a bully get to them.  We need to help our kids work through all the crazy things that happen at school, and that if they know we are always going to be on their side they will share what is happening.  Bullying will never stop, which is a sad reality, but we can stop our kids from feeling that the only way out is to kill themselves. 

The summer of 2011 will go down in history....and thank God it's history!

We have had a crazy summer here in the Fulcher house.

July was the hottest on record....so we spent it in the pool in the backyard.  Along with trying to keep Zeb busy, and getting a break from the heat, this made the month fly by and also very enjoyable.  There was the few days we spent trying to fight our landlord to fix our basement, fighting both face to face as well as in court.  I would say that the final outcome was not a win for either.  We agreed to move, as he decided it was in his best interest to just demolish the home, and I guess you could say he lost as he ended up having to pay us to go, and as far as I'm concerned lost very good tenants. 

We spent so much of our summer looking for a new place to live, fighting with our lawyers to get our landlord to follow the order that was put in place by the tribunal (which by the way he has yet to do, and short of taking him to small claims court and going through all that, we don't have a leg to stand on.....landlords have all the power in this province) , and realizing how little so many landlords in this area care about the product they have out there.  After seeing, I can't tell you how many houses, we realized that there are just so few  places around here that are actually places anyone decent would live it.  Seems to me, and just me by the way, that if you want tenants that don't destroy your home, maybe you should show you are proud of it.  I would think that if you are interested in making owning rental property's an income for you, you would take care of said property.  I can tell you, not many do.  There was one house we went into that had three bedrooms, and linen closet, and several other closets throughout that had not one closet door on any.  At the end the owner asked us if we thought he was charging a good price.  He explained that this was his only rental property and was unsure if he had set his price right.  I said to him, "I personally would never rent this home, as I personally feel that I should have doors on my closets".  His reply was that a couple of years ago he had a tenant who he thought was on "social assistance" that totally destroyed the property.  He ended up spending 15,000. on the place to fix it and just had to stop when the money ran out.  I replied to him that the only tenant he would attract to his home were those that would not care about it.  I said that anyone interested in living in a home without any doors on anything is never going to care about the upkeep of your home.  His reply was, "well, for the right person I would put on new doors".  I walked away thinking, I guess he didn't feel anyone coming to see this house would be the right person to fix what needed to be fixed.  What I have learned about this whole experience is, first, don't do anything to a rental home that you wish to be reimbursed for without there being a written agreement.  Second, if you make any sort of agreement with your landlord there has to be terms included in that agreement. Eg. If you want to use the repairs and updates you have make to a property to be used in lieu of rent, than you need to have it in writing how much those repairs and updates are worth, and for how long you can go without paying rent that would equal those updates.  Third, no matter who it is your rent from, don't trust anything they say.  If there is anything that is done that goes against your original lease, there needs to be compensation.  And lastly, if you can at any time in your life, become a landlord.  This area could use some upstanding people who want to give a good quality home at a good price.  I feel that this is one area that needs more regulation.  I didn't realize how little landlords have to do to rent people property.  There are no licences, or fee's.  There is no safety requirements, there is no class they have to take.  I can't think of anyone who has any sort of business ( and yes, rental property is in fact a business even if you only have one rental unit) where there are no licences, or required skills, or training involved.  Any Tom Dick, or Harry can pawn off their falling down, fire trap to anyone willing to pay the rent.  This has to stop.  I try not to think about how many safety violations are surrounding me in my rental home, but I do know there are plenty.  And I should be afraid.  Now, after having to do so much research this summer, I know my rights as a tenant, and I will never allow myself to be put into this position ever again.

The summer was a good one despite all the stress we were under.  I am always happy to have Zeb home with me all summer.  It gives us a time to bond, talk, and do things together and have fun.  The great part was that Damie was home for the whole summer too.  She has been between jobs, as she is waiting to start training with Allstate.  The process is alot longer than one would think, and so since it has taken until the end of Sept. to actually start she was here with us this summer.  All three of us had a good time together.  We didn't go anywhere, except to Toronto for a night ( which, if you ask Zeb, was the most amazingly wonderful trip), but other than that, we spent a few days here and there but nothing special.  We sure miss going on family trips like we did when Zeb was smaller, and we do hope we will be in that position again, however it has taught us how little our child expects from us to have fun.  I think we all get a little caught up in giving our kids things like trips to Disney, or taking them on cruises etc.  but what we have learned over the past couple of years is, all he really needs from us is us.  I like that, I like that we can have fun and feel like we really lived it up on a shoe string budget.  I think, and this is just how I feel, but I think sometimes we feel pressured into doing more than we should.  I think there was a day when no one took their kids anywhere, and they still became well rounded, balanced and interesting people.  I don't think my father went anywhere in his life, except when his mother moved him to Toronto Island for a year so she could work during war time.  Other than that I don't think he left his small town life.  I know my mother never went anywhere with her family when she was growing up.  The only place she remembers going was to the Detroit Zoo, and to see The Henry Ford Museum on a class trip.  This was the norm than, no one did much (unless you had family that you got shipped away to, or your family was rich and you were able to go on a vacation).  When I was a kid I had my mom's parents who owned 9 cottages in the Bruce Peninsula at Stokes Bay.  They rented out those cottages every year and spent the whole summer up there taking care of the renters.  I would go up there for a few weeks every summer.  It was amazing.   Each cottage was rented to a different family every week (lots of the same families came back every summer, and there was one family that came for the whole summer ever year).  I always had someone to play with, whether it be a girl or a boy it didn't much matter to me.  We would spend hours swimming in the frigid lake, playing along the shoreline, going canoeing or walking in the bush.  There was a small hamlet with a general store one mile from where we were and sometimes my grandmother would give me a quarter to walk down to the store with a friend and buy an ice cream, or black licorice.  I loved ever minute of it.  I love the nightly campfires, singing songs, or listening to scary stories, or just sitting around starring at the fire.  I love the night sounds, the quite one only knows when they are in the middle of no where.  I loved listening to the lake hitting the shore as I fell asleep.  I loved having to put on a sweatshirt and pants in the evening and feeling that warmth around me.  I loved feeling tired and sleeping soundly, in a way only a child can do.  Those summers stick in my mind, and I hope one day to give Zeb, even a little taste of what that was like. 

Summer is coming to a close, Zeb has started the first grade, and we are leaving the house we have lived in since Zeb was one.  It is all a little melancholy, a little sad.  I know we will all be just fine in our new home, but it's hard to walk away from the only home Zeb has ever known.  He will make new friends, maybe some in the neighbourhood, which will be a nice change as right now we do not have a neighbourhood.  He will do fine in his 300 student school.  And Damie and I will stay strong, and optimistic about our future.  I hope it all goes as planned, and this is the new beginning we have been looking for.