A December to remember!

December is always such a ridiculously busy time for us.  I know it is for many of you, but having your only child's birthday come at the beginning sure does make the beginning fly by and we are half way through the month before we know it.  This year has just been even more busy, because for his birthday we took him to Chicago to see Wicked.

I am often amazed by the things that change my child.  Musical theatre is one of those things.  From the very beginning we noticed the difference that musical theatre had on his behavior, on his attention, on his overall well being.  It wasn't hard for us to see the changes, that kid goes from a bouncing, chatterbox in line to a quiet, focused boy while watching any sort of musical theatre.  It's like his ADHD completely disappears.  I like it.

Chicago was just one of many stops for the 1st National Tour of Wicked, and that production is staring a friend of ours from years ago when we did musical theatre in Houston Texas.  We have known Alison since she was a little girl, playing Annie.  We knew back then that if this young lady tried she would make it, and now she has.  It's just the most incredible thing to see really.  The production was outstanding, we had seen it once before a couple of years ago in Detroit, but this was the first time seeing Alison in the staring role.  There is something about watching someone doing exactly what they should be, what they were put on the earth to do, that brings tears to your eyes.  I am awestruck by her talent, but more than that I am awestruck by how little she has changed.  She was beautiful inside and out all those years ago, and is just more so now.  I can't say I am proud of her, as I have nothing to do with her success, but I can say I am proud to know her, and that has nothing to do with her success.  The pride I have for her is more about who she is, how hard she has worked, and how brave she must be.  It isn't an easy thing to follow a dream, at least a dream like this one, however, she put trust in herself knowing that if she didn't try she would never succeed.  Such an inspiring person to have in my sons life.  What she does, more than anything, is makes it possible for so many others, my son included, to believe that it is possible.  She gives so many hope.  After the show was over she took us on a back stage tour....which was beyond amazing.  My son got to learn (and in some cases explain) all the magic.  He had the opportunity to wear the witches hat, and to see how things happen during the show.  He was so excited, and we were just blown away by how she was so generous with her time and attention.  It will stay with us forever, especially my son.  I can only hope that I raise his half as well as her parents raised her, they have truly raised an amazing woman.

After returning home from Chicago the birthday celebrations continued.  We took my son and 5 of his friends out to lunch to share in his birthday with him.  It was just going to be a simple get together, just friends sitting around a table for a couple of hours enjoying each other.  He was thrilled about the whole idea, and I was thrilled by the idea of not having anything to do for it except pay the bill.  While we were sitting there (the kids being a little noiser than most other patrons that day) a man came up to our table.  He said "I hear it's someone birthday today, who's birthday is it?"  My son then turned to him and said it was his, and that he was 9.  The man said happy birthday and Merry Christmas and went about his day.  We were just so taken aback by the fact that someone took time out of their day to come over and talk to him.  It's not everyday that people do that, we were more surprised by the fact that more people in the restaurant weren't upset about the noise...so when we had something so positive happen we were thrilled.  A few minutes after the man left the waitress came over to our table and said that the man had taken care of the bill.  Well, I can't tell you just how much this touched us, I can say that tears flowed quickly, and to this day I still can't believe the generosity he showed us.  You would think that having the bill paid by a complete stranger would be the only great thing that came out of this, but what really was the greatest thing that came out of this was the fact that all those children told their parents what had happened first off, before telling them anything else.  What he did made a big impression on those 6 young minds that day, they learned exactly how it feels to do for others.  I am sure not one of those kids went away that day and didn't think about how special that made them feel, and my hope is that they will always remember that.

December has started out better than I could have ever imagined, or ever planned.  My child is different from all the amazing people that have entered, and quite honestly a parent just can't pay enough for that sort of thing.  Nothing warms your heart more than having someone make your child feel special, for no other reason than because they just exist.  Human kindness is not lost, it's still out there.  It sure does give me immense hope for the year to come.

Christmas vs Happy Holidays??

Lately I have been seeing so many things on facebook regarding Christmas.  Ugh.  Honestly, it's becoming more than I can bare so I am going to address some of those things from my point of view.

First, I will address the whole "Keep Christ in Christmas" thing.  Well, how can Christ not be in Christmas isn't that what the whole "(Christ)mas word is....how can you take him out.  Oh, I know, there are people who celebrate the Holiday without acknowledging the whole meaning.  Gifts are where it's at...Santa Claus means more then the fact that baby Jesus was born that day.  Yes, you can take Christ out of Christmas, but really, if you want Christ in Christmas make it that way for you.  It isn't for you to judge whether someone else is doing the whole thing right, it's for you to make sure that the meaning isn't lost on your family, during your time, at the meal etc.  Keeping anything in your celebration is for you to control...not for you to control in others.  Judgment?  What does that have to do with Christ?  Yes, society is getting more and more commercialized, I have seen it with my own eyes, but honestly, if you do what you want to do, and you celebrate it the way you see fit....well isn't that all that really matters? 

Second, the whole "It's Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays".  This whole thing drives me a little around the bend.  For me, any pleasant greeting I get is better than what I could get...I am just grateful that people are willing to share glad tidings no matter what they say.  Isn't it better to be wished something than nothing at all....for goodness sakes, it's not just Christmas during this time of year, it's a lot of things so why not just be happy saying whatever you wish and hearing whatever someone else would like to give you.  Honestly, if I were to share how I absolutely feel about this whole thing it would be this.  To say that people must say "Merry Christmas" is so arrogant.  To think that your Holiday is more important than any other Holiday celebrated at this time of year is a bigoted way to think.  Yes, more people in your particular area of the world just might be celebrating Christmas than any other Holiday, but there are always those that do not.  Saying that one must wish people "Merry Christmas" is so single minded....I would much rather be inclusive than divided, I would much rather not take this time of year and use it to offend others, or even to maybe take the chance of offending.  This time of year, more than any other time, shouldn't we be thinking about our brothers and sisters who live in our neighborhood, city, county, province or Country?  Shouldn't we want all of us to come together, rather than make this about who's more important and who should shut up?  For as long as I can remember people wished each other "Happy Holidays"....in fact there is a song that goes something like this "Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, while the merry bells keep ringing, Happy Holidays to you".  That song was sung by Bing Crosby in the movie Holiday Inn and is from the 40's.  All of a sudden people are freaking out that they are being wished "Happy Holidays" get over it people.....if you are Christian, than act like it!  In my opinion, if you want to keep Christ in Christmas, so being so angry, start being more kind, and then you will keep Christ in Christmas, as isn't that what he brought to us all those years ago?

I think we are all getting far too serious.  Enjoy your time with your family, if you don't want it to do with anything other than Christ than don't, if you want to wish people Merry Christmas than do and stop worrying about all the other crap....it just fills up what should be a much more peaceful time of year.  I look forward to celebrating both Hanukkah and Christmas in our house, as we always do...with presents, and food, and Christmas trees, and Menorahs and all the lights outside and in.  We love it all!!

I know, it's so shocking!

This may come as a surprise, but I have to admit it anyways.  I am not perfect.  I know, I'm as shocked as you are to read this.....it's no laughing matter.  I know, most of us think we are perfect, we think we do no wrong, we think that our shit doesn't stink, but I am just now realizing I have a long way to go to reach perfection.

There are things I do that after I do then I wonder "why on earth did I do that" or "say that" or "act that way" or "react that way".  Yes, believe it or not but I have been known to talk about people behind their backs.  No, not to hurt necessarily, however I am sure if those people where to hear what I was saying they would be hurt.  I have always said that it's more about venting, rather than having ill intent.  I can't help it, I have tried to fix this, I have tried to stop, but the honest truth is some people just drive me nuts and if I don't share it with trusted people in my life I might explode.  Literally.  Yes, I am not perfect, not at all.

I have been known to put myself first, yes ahead of even my child at times.  I'm not talking about the ways we have to put ourselves ahead of or children, like when you need to put the oxygen mask on first before you can help you child, I mean in ways that have nothing to do with him.  There are times I ask him to go play so that I can enjoy my second cup of coffee on a Saturday morning.  There have been times where I have asked him to go watch tv just so that I can go to my room and read my book.  Yes, selfish I know, I am not perfect.

There have been times where I have sped up in a store in order to not be behind the elderly woman in line.  Yes, I have been known to speed pass, wind whipping that woman's hair just so that I can be first.  I am not perfect, I need to work on this....but the fact is this, there are just times I am not in the mood to stand behind someone slow, someone who takes the time to do a bit of socializing while they do their transactions.  There are times I just want to be first.  Yes, I admit it, I want to be first!  Ugh.  I know, I need to work on this.

I have been know to stick a particular finger out the window at other drivers.  Yes, I am not perfect.  There have been times where I am just not in the mood to almost get hit while driving down the road, or being cut off, or have someone steal the parking spot I have been patiently waiting for.  I know, I should turn the other cheek, but I can't for some reason at times.  I know I need to work on these things.  I know I do.

Not being perfect has hit me hard.  I don't know if I can handle the real truth, but I will have to try.  I mean, really.... I should feel too bad, I am human after all.  I can tell myself that there are lots of people worse than me, lots of people who don't ever do good, but the true fact of the matter is we are all human.  We all make mistakes, we all do things we shake our heads at after we have done them.  Does it excuse our behavior, no, but no one is perfect and that's the honest truth.  The thing I have to try to remember is this, every single day I get a brand new chance to start from scratch.  Yes, there will always be those people who will always focus on the wrongs you have done, but those people don't mean anything.  I can do it differently, every single day working on improvement.  Some day's I might make inroads, and some day's I may go back to the same routine.  The focus for me is just to keep trying, I mean isn't that all we can do, try??

Our fun filled evening in a small town ER.....I say that out the side of my mouth!

This past Saturday I loaded the family up and we headed to a family get together in my home town.  We were just going for the night, it's a bit of a drive for just one night but we decided to go and enjoy some family time. 

On the way there we decided to make a few stops to get a couple of things.  We haven't been to the city closes to my home town in a long time and decided to hit a few stops there that we never get to go to.  At our first stop my partner D went to just run in and out so my son and I stayed in the car to wait.  As she went to jump out of the car she put her foot down and twisted her ankle on an uneven sidewalk.  I didn't realize she had done this until she was on her way back to the car. 

At first we both thought she had just hurt it a bit, but not seriously so we continued on with our day, stopping at a couple of other places, her limping away as we went.  It wasn't until we arrived at my families place that we realized that it was more than just a little twisted ankle...it was twice it's normal size and there was obvious bruising starting to develop.  It was 4:20 in the afternoon.  My mom suggested we go to the ER in town, before it got to late, and have it looked at...so off we went.

Our small town ER experience left something to be desired....and here is the story.

When we pulled up at the entrance I dropped D off at the door so she wouldn't have to walk so far (I know, so uncharacteristically kind of me, but I guess I was having a nice day)...and then I went to park the car.  The front parking was full so I had to park at the back parking lot, quite a distance from the front door so the decision to drop her off was a good one.  By the time I arrived inside D had already had a bit of an ordeal.  When she went inside she walked to the unmanned front desk.  On the window it said "if by chance this desk is not manned please go to the ER desk to be helped".  She did that, limping all the way.  I would say that the ER desk is about 250 feet from the front entrance...not far for most, but a long way when you have an injury of this nature.  When she got to the ER desk a woman dressed in pink asked her why she was there and then told her to go back to the front desk and she would be there in a minute.  When I walked in D was sitting on a chair outside the front desk waiting for the lady in pink to return.  I stood there for a few minutes waiting with D and getting the full story up to then, and after waiting I walked over to the ER entrance and had a seat on the chairs outside...looking into the ER.  There were three people at the ER desk, the lady in pink whom had talked to D about returning in a minute, and older woman also dressed in scrubs (who we would later find out was the triage nurse) and a blond woman (who we would later find out was the Dr on call that afternoon).  They were all standing or sitting around the ER desk, eating and laughing.   When I sat down in the chairs the girl dressed in pink looked at me, and after realizing that they were doing nothing but making someone with an injury wait unnecessarily, I gave her a look....you know the kind, the ones that only mothers can make.  In seconds she was walking out of the ER to wait on D.  I was so happy that she could put the food and conversation aside long enough to help the patient....imagine that!   I have to add here that in that front entrance they have this picture (I think there are 5 woman in the picture) and over the picture it says something to the effect of "Our focus is on the patient, and the great care for those patients"  so far that wasn't something that was happening.....I don't think it's "great care" when you ask someone injured to walk at least 500 feet more than necessary, simply because you would rather socialize than do you damn job!!

Needless to say the woman in pink was not very amused that she had to actually do her job,  being very sharp and in some ways uncaring while she took all of D's information....D standing at the window the whole time....seems to me one would get her a chair to do this, but hey, care is their most important focus right!  After finishing with the woman in pink D was instructed to walk over to the ER entrance and wait there until they were ready for her.  The wait at those chairs was not long, thankfully. 

From the chairs she was taken by the triage nurse to do some injury history, as well as cover some medical history.  She was a bit nicer than the pink girl was, but still not overly thrilled to be doing her job.  I just have to add here that why does one pick health care careers when they are not interested in dealing with patients??? Or care for that matter??? it seems to me that overwhelmingly they are not happy, not caring and not interested, so why did they do it in the first place....health care isn't usually something you choose unless you are made up of the right stuff to work in that field?  You know, working in a factory or something alike is a field that sort of just comes your way, you just deal with it, but choosing a career, now that's a decision, you should be thrilled to be working in you chosen field shouldn't you??  It doesn't seem that way when it comes to the medical field.  I recognize that health care professionals in Canada can, and often are overworked, understaffed, etc. etc.  But that is NOT the case here in small town Ontario.  They are fairly staffed, not overworked, and work in a much better environment than that of the big city....stop hating on everyone!!!!!  End of rant!  for now!

From triage she was told to walk to room 4 and get on the bed.  It was now 5 pm. 

Room 4 consisted of 3 or 4 beds, each separated by those wonderful draw curtains.  No real privacy, but that's okay, can't expect much privacy in the ER now can you.  In the bed furthest from us was a mother, and her young son.  He was likely 3, and was a very busy little man.  They were talking, she mostly telling him detailed explanations for various things....like "what is Angelina Ballerina??"  "What does she like to do", "what is a ballerina"....and these question went on and on, and we heard each and everyone of them.  At about 5:30 the doctor finally came in to see them, and it was then that we found out that this boy was here because his mother suspected that he had impetigo, as he was diagnosed with it two weeks prior, and all the spots had come back.....and she had washed everything and had kept him home from daycare and gymnastics for over a week, how could this be???  The doctor looked at him, took a swab and then 15 minutes later was sending them out the door with a new antibiotic script. I was grateful they were out the door...not because he had a very contagious skin condition, but because the level at which they were talking was getting on my nerves...not sure why anyone wants everyone around them to hear ever single word they say, but yet there are those ones.  Bye little boy, I hope you pussy face clears up fast so your annoying mother doesn't drive you to drink hard liquor at the age of 3!  The doctor then headed back to the desk, eating, talking and laughing....for more than 10 minutes....I timed her!

I have to just say here that there were two other people ahead of us in this ER.  One being a teenage girl, the other being woman who seemed quite ill as they had her door closed. 

After 10 minutes the Dr made her way down to the teenagers room.  I think she must have had something stuck in her leg or something, as there was a bunch of loud painful sounds coming from the room....which was at the end of the ER...quite a distance from where we are.  Along with the painful moans, there was also the voice of the Dr saying "just look away, this isn't going to hurt so just stop moaning"....apparently they teenager was moaning over the injection of freezing that the Dr was administrating....not the actual removal of whatever it was in her leg.  After the Dr was done there she returned to the desk, eating some more of whatever it was that was there, and talking it up with the triage nurse and the girl in pink.  Boy, they sure seem over worked to me!

At 6 pm a nurse came into our room and asked D if she would like some Tylenol or Ibuprofen for the pain.  It took them more than an hour to suggest to this person, with an ankle twice the size of normal,  that she just might be in enough pain to warrant some Tylenol???  An hour??  I get it if they were run off their feet, as they are in a city ER, but really, these people are too busy eating and talking to actually follow that saying in their front lobby....that thing about patient care first. D thanked her for the suggestion and welcomed the chance to maybe take some of the edge off.  The nurse returned with 4 pills and a small glass of water....and then was out the door. 

At this point I am looking at the front desk and the blond Dr eating again and talking to a male dressed in scrubs.  I recognized the man in scrubs to be a young man I remembered from my childhood.  He was much younger than me, I don't think we were ever in school together, but I knew who he was.  He was the son of the veterinarian in town, and I remembered hearing that he grew up and became a human doctor, not following in his daddies footsteps of being a 4 legged doctor.  I had heard good things about this guy, so I was expecting to not see as much tom foolery and more medicine being practiced.  I would be disappointed.

After about 20 minutes the new, male doctor, walked into our room.  He looked at D's chart and then asked a few questions about the injury, how it happened, how long ago that sort of thing.  He then began an exam on the ankle and determined from that exam that she would likely need an x-ray to rule out a break.  Wow, we are there almost 2 hours and just now they are thinking maybe an x-ray might be needed....I don't know, I am not a nurse or a doctor, but one would think that any injury that makes ones joint be more than twice it's regular size is going to warrant an x-ray, well at least until doctors come equipped with x-ray vision....which I'm sure is just around the corner.  The doctor than explained they would have to call the technician in, and it would be about 20-30 minutes, but that he usually doesn't feel too bad about the wait with people who are used to larger centers where they wait for hours to be seen.  Off he went and a few minutes later the triage nurse came in carrying another set of pain pills (just like the ones the other nurse came in with) she went to tear them open when D told her another nurse had just came in before the doctor and she had already taken them.....so they were trying to now kill her....great small town care there...maybe if they weren't so interested in chatting, and more interested in referring to the chart (or better yet actually updating the chart) they wouldn't be trying offer lethal levels of pain relief....ugg!  It's a good thing I was there, and D was still sharp and not at all groggy, she would have just mindlessly taken the meds and then I think her ER stay just might have turned into a hospital stay!

At this point another mother, with her teenage son, came into the ER.  Again, the girl in pink was not manning her entrance desk, but rather was standing at the ER desk chatting it up.  The mother explained that her son is susceptible to bronchitis and has in the last few days formed a cough, so she wanted to be more pro-active and maybe get it under control before it turned into the more advanced condition of bronchitis.  The triage nurse sent her and her son to the bed that was just a half hour or so ago filled by the three year old with impetigo.....yes, and you guessed it...no one had changed the sheets or cleaned after that three year old was there...so now they were putting an out of province teenager, with a compromising medical condition sit in a bed that was just moments ago filled with a child with a very contagious skin disorder....hmmm???  does this sound like they are putting patient care first??  Not to me....it seems to me that once again putting chatting and eating first on the list....and then "oh, am I here to be a nurse, I thought I was here to socialize".  They put a mask on the teenager and then let him sit on the bed in those impetigo crusted sheets...that poor guy, I sure hope his junk isn't covered is pussy red blotches today....I should have said something but honestly, I would rather write a witty blog about the whole thing than get involved in this.....next time I will say something...as I will be less interested in the witty blog...you can only write so many witty blogs about the failing score of health care these days.  The triage nurse asked the mother of the teenager to come to the desk, where they then talked for more than 20 minutes about BC....as that was where the mother was from, and the triage nurse's son and newest grandchild was from.....they had something in common, and they bonded....nothing wrong with that, as there were no new cases of anything coming in, and it made the mother feel a connection.  I honestly didn't see a problem with it, but really, most people don't have 20 minutes at their over paid job to just sit and shoot the shit...most people have to actually work to make their living, to keep their job, to finished all the work they need to do.  I wonder if a factory worker were to stop and talk to the newest stranger for 20 minutes and just not do what he was supposed to do on the line for that period how that would effect the rest of the line???  Hmm...but then again, most people don't choose factory work, it is sort of the thing you just resort to, health care is more of a chosen field.

The x-ray technician arrived, wheeled D off to shoot her ankle.  Finally things were moving in the right direction.  A few minutes later she was being wheeled back into the room, and there she sat for 35 more minutes....until the doctor remembered that he needed to actually look at the x-rays that he had ordered.  I know they were ready long before that as the technician had joined the group at the desk at least 15 minutes before that to join the conversations.....meanwhile, the doctor had gone in to see the mother and her teenage son.  He listened to his lungs, told her everything seemed really clear.  He didn't suggest anything at this point, she suggested that he write a script for an inhaler for, just in case, as they were from out of province and this would save them another visit to the ER.  The doctor agreed to write the script, and then sent them on their way.  I think they were there for no more than 45 minutes maybe.....but their short stay was filled with infectious sheets so they can't feel too lucky now can they! 

When the doctor returned to D's room he said that he hadn't detected any break on the x-ray, that he felt it was soft tissue, but after I said something like "you don't detect any obvious break" he then replied with, "well I have looked at 1000's of x-rays, but yes, I am not a radiologist and until a radiologist reviews the shots we can't be absolutely sure there isn't a break somewhere, but we will call you if he does see anything on Tuesday".   He told her to put some frozen pea's on it and take Tylenol....but no other sort of pain med was going to be prescribed....and we were finally on our way.

We were there 3.25 hours, and really weren't much better off after than we were before.  So, now I would like to add my suggestions to improve here.

1st, I'm going to state the obvious.  If there is someone being paid to sit in the front desk, they better be there unless they are on a break or there is an emergency somewhere in the hospital.  I think as a tax payer I would appreciate my tax dollars going to people who are interested in doing their job, not socializing.

2nd, why is it that triage nurses in this country are not nurse practitioners??  We under use these professionals in this country, when using them would cut time and cost.  If that triage nurse had been a nurse practitioner she could have evaluated the ankle, ordered the x-ray and had D all ready when the Doctor was ready to come and look at her....he would have had all the information, and the time in the ER would have been a fraction of what it was.  This can be said for so much, that little boy with the impetigo could have been seen and sent on his way in minutes, that boy with the possible bronchitis could have been seen and sent on his way right after triage.....the time and money that could have been saved is just insurmountable, yes a nurse practitioner would be more expensive than a regular nurse, but the Dr wouldn't have had to come in for 4 out of 5 of those cases in the ER....and yes, that would save a lot of money.

3rd.  Cleanliness needs to be a focus in a medial facility....this is a no brainer.  Why anyone would think its okay to just herd patients into rooms without cleaning in between is just beyond my understanding.  This is not good for the patient, and it's not good for the cost of health care.  Simple cleaning would lead to less cross contamination which leads to less illnesses which leads to less ER and doctor office visits.  Stop throwing our money away!!  I am sick of the high costs of medical care in this country, and these are just a few of the reasons why they are so high.

It's time we spend less on Doctors and more on nurse practitioners.  It's time we have less ER's and more urgent care facilities.  Lower the cost, increase the service, make citizens happier folks.  And for heavens sake, stop eating and starting working!!! 

In August I went to the ER here in Windsor.  I waited 5 hours to be seen, I was offered Tylenol 3 when I finally made it to a bed, and then I was sent home with a script for Tylenol 3's.  An e-ray was taken quickly and the results were read within minutes.  No, waiting 5 hours is not good, but you have to keep in mind that there were between 35-45 people ahead of me.  When we arrived at the small town ER there were 3 people ahead of us....we stayed 3.25 hours and were not offered any continuous pain relief solutions.  What that means is in the city 7 people per hours are being seen....in small town ER 1.5 patients were being seen per hour.  Who is doing it more efficiently???  You tell me!!  So no Doctor "young boy I remember from childhood", small town ER's are not better in any way than city ER's, you just don't have the volume so you get to play more!!

I just want to finish this by saying that I am in no way bashing the Doctors here.  I think small town Doctors work hard, are better in many way than city Doctors.  In my sons earlier years I often took him to seem my family doctor in my home town, as I trusted him more than the doctor we had in the city.  He knew his patients better, he took his job seriously, and he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty....if he could fix it he did, he didn't just send off the problem to a specialist like we get with our city doctor.  There is room for improvement in both places, this experience was  just shocking to me.  This particular ER has been fighting to stay open...the citizens of this small town and fought to keep it open, along with the small hospital....but when you go there and this is what you experience you don't have to ask why.....you have to wonder why not....these people don't want it opened, obviously, what they want is to no longer have their cushy job, but to go and work in ER's that are non stop....they want to actually work for that pay, I guess!

Why I had weight loss surgery!

When I was a kid I was never the skinny one.  No one ever told me I was skinny.  I think, for the most part, I was average.  Having a larger frame, there was no way I was ever going to be considered skinny, and I was good with that.  My mother was disappointed by my size, I think if she had her way I would have been skin and bones with perfectly curly hair, but she got neither.

I developed young, well it seemed like I was young.  This didn't help much with the size issue.  No, I was not fat, but there was more than my share on my chest so I looked more on the heavy side than not.  This wasn't helped by my refusal to wear a bra when I should have been.  I wasn't that girl who was real feminine, and sure didn't want to be the first in my class to have to wear a bra.  I had enough difficulties in grade school, I didn't need one more, so no bra for me.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, I have not kept it a secret that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I had various abusers, at various times in my childhood.  The thing about being abused is, as I child, you think the reason this is happening to you is because of something you did, or it had something to do with how you looked.  I remember grown ups telling me how pretty I was, and I remember how uncomfortable that made me.  Hearing that was never a good thing as far as I was concerned.  I was always feeling like the abuse had to do with the way I looked, and subconsciously, I guess, I decided to change things to keep people away from me.  This began a life long job of gaining weight and making sure people kept their distance, and it worked.

When I graduated from grade 8 I weighed 150 lbs.  I reached my forever height in the 4th grade, 5"2 1/2.  This was a lot of weight to carry on that frame, but I wouldn't have said I was crazy overweight.  Towards the end of the 9th grade my gym teacher (a very creepy female teacher whom I was very intimidated by) ran into me in the hall and asked me to come to her office for a little chat.  Her office was at a very isolated area, which made me very uncomfortable.  She had me come in, closed the door, and had me sit down.  She stared off with some small talk, asking me how things were going in grade nine, that sort of thing.  Then she told me how pretty I was, and wanted me to think about losing some weight so that I would be more attractive.  This coming from a very overweight, not attractive woman who was not ageing well for a woman her age.  I remember squirming in my chair, looking at the clock on her desk hoping this all ended fast and I could go home.  I never took gym again, and led to more weight gain and image issues.  By the time I entered the 12th grade I had tipped the scale at 205.  At this point my mother insisted that I start seeing our family doctor to get on a weight loss program.   I did start seeing him, and by the time I had graduated high school I had lost 37 lbs.

Off to college I went.  I was scared, and intimidate by the mere size of the city I went to.  I was from a small town, that consisted of about 5000 people, all of the same colour, all of which I either knew or knew of.  Going off to Toronto was as scary as it could get for me.  I was there about 3 months when at the bus stop one morning a guy noticed me and decided he was going to chat with me all the way to school.  He didn't go to my school, but was on the bus the whole trip anyway.  Over the course of the next few weeks he was at the bus stop more than he wasn't, each time staying on for as long as I was, always trying to communicate with me.  On valentines day he was sitting at the bus stop holding a rose, and a card.  This was all I could take, and from that time on I either took the college bus, which picked us up at the residence but much earlier than I would have like to head out, or I missed that class all together in order to avoid seeing him.  By the time I had finished college I had put all of those 37lbs back on, and then some.

As the years went on I stayed at about the same size.  Maybe there was a variance of a few pounds, but for the most part I stayed pretty constant. 

When I conceived my son I was very healthy.  I didn't have any real issues, other than I was very overweight.  I was lucky, I had a uneventful pregnancy, I actually even lost 13 lbs during that 9 months.  I never felt bad, I actually felt great.

After my son was born I just seemed to gain weight faster than one could imagine.  The fact that I put myself in a bit of a cocoon for the first year didn't help.  Life was getting more complicated, and I was beginning to feel less and less healthy.  Finally I decided to diet, and see if I could shake some of this additional weight.  I was able to lose 60 lbs and felt pretty good.  As with any of my attempts of losing weight it never stayed off....somehow it always found me again, and before I knew it I had gained back those 60 lbs and more.

It wasn't long before my Dr told me that I was diabetic.  I was going to have to start taking meds every day for the rest of my life.  I couldn't stand the idea of doing that, I hated taking meds of any sort and knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain that.  I knew that things either had to change or I was going to die.  Somewhere along the way I also found out that I had sleep apnea. Like taking meds daily wasn't enough, but now I had to wear a mask to bed every night so that I wouldn't stop breathing.  My life was getting way to far out of control, so I decided to pursue weight loss surgery.

At the time you had to have medical issues along with being over 100 lbs over weight.  I sent my application in, and 3 months later I started the program.  It took me more than a year and a half to actually get to my surgery day, but nonetheless when that day came I was ready to bid farewell to all of my medical issues and with any luck be able to become more active with my son.

I was lucky, I was able to toss the meds away, along with the cpap machine and for the last year have been able to shed a great deal of weight and am able to be a larger participator in my sons life.  It has been a life saver for me. 

I never did this to become skinny, in fact the idea of being skinny scares the hell out of me.  There are times I run into people who haven't seen me in a while and will say "hey there skinny" and this sends shivers down my spine.  I have not shaken those feeling from childhood, but I am able to handle it differently.  Now that I am all grown up I know that I can keep myself safe, I know that no one will be able to abuse me again, and I know that I am in a much better place.  It doesn't take away the fear, but I am working on it.

The truth of the matter is this, I didn't have this surgery to become skinny or anything near it.  I did this so that I could live a healthier life.  I wanted to be there for my family, to be an active member of it, and to not have all these things that were taking days and years away from me.  This is why I had weight loss surgery, and the only reason.

Now the government has changed the requirements for the surgery.  Now you don't have to have a long list of medical problems, all you need to have is at least 100 lbs to lose, and even that isn't written in stone.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I know that there are people who have this surgery just simply to take the fast track to getting skinny.  What they look like is the most, if not the only reason, they have this.  This sort of scares me, as I think there should be more that just body imagine involved when it comes to altering your body for life.  To me I think it would be beneficial for some people to be given alternatives.  I think if the government were willing to help people lose the weight without having to resort to surgery.  Sometimes things just get out of control, and sometimes just having the resources to help you daily at losing that weight is all you really need.  Sometimes I wonder who this surgery is going to benefit.  I am afraid that when it comes to doing this simply because of the way you will look, well what happens when it becomes work and you no longer can sustain that weight loss.  I know that this surgery had done exactly what I had hoped it would do.  Most importantly I am healthier, and that makes me happier.  No, I am not skinny, I am not any where near skinny, but as long as I never have to go back on medications I feel this has been a successful surgery for me.

Stop stressing!!

I struggle, with so many things but one big one is how much or how little to do for my child.

I don't work.  From long before we conceived our son we had made the decision that someone should be home with him before he went to school and after he came home.  We really were thinking that one parent would stay home until he started full time school, and then look at both of us working, but then when we discovered that he had ADHD and needed so much more than a kid without ADHD we decided that maybe it would be best to have someone home until he was able to manage better.  That day hasn't come yet, however I struggle with so many things because of it.

I know as parents we want to give our kids so much more than we ever had.  To me that always meant more time, more interest, more attention.  But as time has gone by, and with the invention of facebook I am realizing that I am not giving nearly what others give their children and I struggle with that. 

We don't have a lot of money, it isn't easy surviving on one income these days, the world has built itself on two incomes, but we manage to make ends meet and not depend on anyone else.  Sure, we go with out a great deal.  We don't get the opportunity to go on big family trips, we don't get to buy the car or home of our dreams, and we certainly don't buy all the newest gadgets.  There are times that I feel really bad, he doesn't get all of the "things" that his peers get, but then I remind myself of the sacrifice we have made for him.  I would love to go and work away from the house, it would be a nice change for me, and I would be able to buy him things that we could only dream of buying him now.  I would make friends of my own, and have somewhere to go every day.  I would really like that, and know so many who wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they didn't go out to work everyday.  Then there are those that never see their kids but they can buy them all the ipods, ipads, and iphones that any one 8 yr old can handle.  Yes, they can fill their lives with plenty of "things" that I could never buy, but really is it getting those kids anywhere.

When I am feeling bad about the lack of things and places to visit in my sons life, I remind myself that he will grow up and be able to say that his mom was there for him for all the important things in his life.  I will never miss a dance recital, an event at school, a heartbreaking conversation with the girl who will break his heart for the first time.  I will be there for all of the moments, maybe he won't be able to call me on his iphone, but he will be able to walk into the kitchen and sit down and talk to me.  No, he may never have an ipad, but really, does he really need one?  I grew up without one, and somehow I managed.  

I give working mothers a great deal of credit.  I can't imagine doing all the things I do a day and work a full time job on top of that.  I think good for you if you can do it.  I know that if I tried I would not do a good job at anything...and I want to be good at one thing, raising my child. 

I think we really should sit down and think about what is really important in life, in our child's life.  All the gadgets, all the vacations, all the stuff isn't going to improve their existence, but being there, really being present is what will.  I don't think any mother, or father for that matter should feel bad about working full time.  I think that it's just as important as staying home with your kids.  What I am saying is don't stress about all the stuff.  Don't think that you have to fill their lives with all kinds of things, all they ever really want is you.  Yes, maybe they will ask for all that stuff, but really, if it means you work two jobs and never see them in order to get all that, don't.  They will thank you for it later, believe me!

One down, three more to go!

I finally finished a project I started almost a year ago.  I have to admit, when I started I never thought it would take as long as it did, and I didn't know that I would learn this much about myself during the process.

Late last summer, while trolling kijiji (Canada's version of Craig's list) I came across this old work bench that someone was trying to give away.  Yes, give it away, first come first serve, no money required.  The thing looked in pretty bad shape, but I could see it had potential...if I was willing to give it some elbow grease.  I called the owner immediately and was told that someone else had said they wanted it, but had not yet come to pick it up.  I jumped on that, called my partner at work and arranged for her to pick it up on the way home from work.  With all the arrangements made, I sat and waiting to see what it was I had just got myself into.

When the van finally pulled into the driveway I practically ran down the driveway, I couldn't wait to see what it was that I had gotten myself into.  I ran to the back and flew open the back door and there it was, bigger than I had imagined, and in worse shape than it had appeared online, but still really beautiful.  I knew in my head that it was going to be hard, but in my heart I knew I could make it beautiful.  We unloaded it and put it in the garage, where  it would sit for several weeks before I even really took a good look at it.

One Saturday afternoon, after hearing for the hundredth time or so "when are you going to start working on the bench" I decided it was time to start.  Over to the garage I went, pulling it outside, getting a really good look at what it was and what it needed.  There was a really good table under all the 2x4's on top, but I wondered if there would be anything work salvaging once I removed all that needed removing.  It was  worth the look I decided.

With crowbar in hand and some hammers we made our way to the bench.  We both worked up a sweat trying to remove the wood, which by the way were nailed in so hard I have to wonder what anyone was thinking when they did such a thing to such a beauty.  Finally, after a good hour of pulling and grunting we had the top layer off.  Finally, all that was left was this beautiful tiger maple table top, just waiting for someone to love it.  The day was done, all the time we had that day was spent, and back into the garage it went, where it sat for more than a month, almost two.

It was mid fall before I decided to get back to work on the project.  My office was in a terrible mess and I needed a good desk with drawers, so I really needed to get this thing done.  It was my Achilles heel, just sitting there reminding me on a daily bases how I needed to get it together and actually finish the project.

I had become a bit of a procrastinator.  Not exactly a personal trait of mine, but something that had happened over the course of the last few years.  I had all these great ideas, but for one reason or another I just couldn't seem to finished anything.  I was stuck, and I needed to get unstuck.  My fear was that this table was just going to sit there in the garage and become just one more reminder to me of how out of control my life had become, and how little effort I had been putting into moving forward.  I was determined not to let this happen this time.

The day came when I decided I must start.  I went to the store and bought a heat gun, to help remove the silver paint (yes the whole thing was painted in metallic silver, poor thing).  I went to work at it that day, even though it was pretty chilly out and I would need to work hard at keeping warm, and getting the paint off.  I work for a few hours that day, and then again a couple days later, and then a week or so later I again gave it some effort.  Not much was happening.  I had removed some of the silver paint, but discovered there was at least one layer of white below that, and under the paint there was a finish, maybe shellac or something.  This was going to take an investment in time, a big one.

The weather quickly went from cool to cold, dry to wet, possible to impossible.   Soon the desk was alone again in the garage, where it would sit for the winter months without being touched.  Again, working as a daily reminder of what I was not doing...

This spring was a cold one, for the most part, so I didn't get out there until May, but went out with determination to get it done.  I gave up on trying to melt the paint away with a heat gun, I decided to turn to chemicals.  After more than 20 hours, and many chemical burns later the thing was finally stripped.  Yes, I was finally past the part I thought I would never finish....this was a great step in the right direction.  Next was the stain.  We picked up two wonderful dark colours, ones we thought would bring it back to what should have been it's original glory.  We were right.  It worked beautifully, if I do say so myself.  The only remaining obstacle facing me at this point was the top.  It was riddled with holes, and although I tried many different ways in which to fill them, I couldn't find anything that did it justice in my mind....yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to things like this.   I thought about it for days, sometimes falling asleep at night trying to work out the problem. 

This is where I leaned the biggest lesson.  This is the part that sets me off, puts be in a place where I have to accept that doing something is better than not doing anything at all.  This is when I have to remind myself that it's better to finish something, even if it's not perfect, rather than let it just sit there. 

An idea came to me, one I felt really good about, and I knew I would be able to live with.  I decided that maybe what I could do is add some leather across the top, covering all the obvious holes.  Then that idea grew to one of maybe I could go even further than that, maybe I could find some old belts and make them the leather straps that would do the trick.  So off to the thrift stores I went.  I had it in my mind that I wanted to find the roughest, worn out belts I could find.  Seems simple don't you think, well it's not.  Seems thrift stores don't put out bad looking belts....but I found two that I thought would work and came home and gave them a look.  Yes, they were going to work out great.

I finally finished it, and made it beautiful in my mind.  I am proud that I didn't let this project take over me, or win.  I'm glad that I could persevere and achieve a finished project I could be proud of.  Too many times, when the going gets rough, I have just walked away and thrown in the towel in defeat.  I am glad I didn't do that this time, it reminds me that if I actually put my mind to something, nothing can stand in my way.  And, I have a great looking desk to prove it daily to myself.

Have the phone surgically attached to your head, it might save you some time!

Sometime ago I decided that I wanted to watch ever movie Amy Adams ever made.  Obviously this is a very unattainable goal, as there are many movies she is in that I know in my heart I couldn't sit and watch.  The Muppets is just one that comes to mind.  I don't know why, maybe I have a little crush on her, or maybe it's just because I love the roles she picks and I think that there must be a little piece of her in ever one of those roles.  If that's the case, then I think she just might be someone I would like to know, but in all reality I would never want to meet. 

Watching people, either in the movies, or in real life we sometimes think we know who they are, when in reality we have no real idea at all.  We make up this idea of who they are in our minds, and we like that idea, we go with it.  Sometimes, those images of people are shattered when we do get to know them, or have an opportunity to meet them, as the reality is they are nothing like what we imagined.

I remember years ago Rosie O'Donnell wanted to have Barbra Streisand on her show (back in the day of the Rosie show).  I remember for months she had this campaign going on, daily she would plead with Ms. Streisand to come and sit in the chair.  It became kind of a running joke, no one ever thought for a minute she would actually ever oblige her.  Until one day when a phone call was pushed onto the set for Rosie and on the other end was Barbra, telling her how honored she was that Rosie wanted her there so badly, but also questioned if she did, in fact, actually want that dream to become a reality.  You see, Ms. Streisand was afraid that her idea of her would change after she actually met her.  That Rosie had this made up idea of who Barbra Streisand was, and by meeting her that idea, that dream would be shattered by the reality of who she really is.  I can understand that, especially in this case, as Rosie identified Barbra Streisand with her dead mother, the connection between the two, and who would ever want to take that away from someone.  

I have had that sort of thing happen in my life.  I have gotten to know, or at least have gotten the feeling about someone, but when I actually take the time to get to know them the idea was so off...way off.  I have felt disappointed, in so many ways, and sure would have like to have gone back to my imagined idea of who they were.                                                           

There is someone in my life right now that I have gotten the chance to get to know, who I once had an idea of that is completely different than what has turned out to be the reality.   Yes, I feel disappointed, but it's not their fault.  I didn't know who they were when I conjured up this fantasy, it's not their fault that they didn't live up to it, it's all in my head.  I know that it's a let down, a loss of an ideal that I wish I hadn't had, but yet I have.  It's not that this person is bad, or not someone I would like, they just aren't what I thought they were. 

You don't really know anyone, do you, until you actually get to know them.  I think we all make up these imaginary idea's of who the people are in our lives, and then for some reason are shocked when we discover they are not at all that way.   It take a long time to really get to know someone, a long time, and a great deal of effort from both sides.  I have learned that truly good friends happen over time, not over night.  It's mostly because you give yourself a chance to really get to know them. 

I enjoy the process of getting to know a person, what makes them tick and all that.  I am truly interested in the inner workings of people, but honestly, that has become more and more difficult to do as of late.  It's overwhelmingly turning into a surface world.  One where we only touch the surface of people, without ever taking the time to dig a little deeper.  Life has just gotten too complicated for out own good, I think.  I think we have all these instruments in our daily life that are supposed to simplify our lives, but in reality they consume us.  We don't have time anymore for real relationships, nothing more than a 149 digit explanation of what is happening, nothing more than a status update from time to time.  All of our time goes to punching in keys and leaving the thoughts on the page.

I miss the time when we actually connected, and wanted to.  I want those days back!

This week.

This week has been an interesting one to say the least.  My life has been a bit busier than normal, we have been puppy sitting.  She is the sweetest little thing, and so loving...it hasn't been difficult really, just busier since you have to take her out hourly and also hug her, and squeeze her, and play with her, and cuddle with her, and bath her after she pooped in her cage while I was at the gym and walked all over it.  It's been lots of fun and she will be missed for sure.

This week we, the public, found out what happened to a man who had gone missing a week or so before.  He was selling his truck on the Internet (kijiji, Canada's equivalent to Craig's list).  Two men came to take it for a test drive and they never came back.  This week we were told that he was found, dead, leaving a wife and a young child behind.

This case has just brought out so many emotions in so many people.  It's hard to believe something like this can happen in such an innocent act.  It's hard to believe that someone could kill another for no other reason than to just do it...they didn't need to kill him if it was just about the truck.  I think we all held our children tighter after hearing the news, I think we all started to question our regular actions and wonder how on earth we can safeguard ourselves against being a victim of such a heinous crime. 

We are left with many questions, some I'm sure will never be answered.  We are left wondering what's next, things just seem to be getting worse and worse out there.  But most importantly, I know I am left with the question of, do we do enough to people in this country who commit such incredible acts of evil.  I am wondering if we do.  I am wondering if we should go further, maybe even reconsider the death penalty.  I have never really thought it was right to take a life for a life, two wrongs don't make a right and all that, but I have to wonder what else can we do with someone who is obviously so gone that this type of act makes sense to them.  It is something I think is worth looking at, debating and finding out if it makes sense.  Raw emotions are ramped right now, so I am not sure this is the right time to have that debate, but I do think it's time to weigh it out.

My thoughts are with Tim Bosma's family, with his broken wife, with his fatherless daughter, who will only know her father through the stories his family and friends will share with her over the course of his life.  My thoughts are also with the family and friends of Dellen Millard, who has been charged with the first degree murder of Tim.  His family will have a very long road ahead, questioning what they did wrong, how they could have helped him, why.  It's a very sad situation all the way around.

This week we also heard about Angelina Jolie, and the incredible decision she made when she decided to have a total mastectomy, due to the fact that she tested positive to the gene that gave her a better than 70% chance of getting breast cancer.  This is never an easy decision, but if you have kids the decision is made easier.  I think any woman who decides to have this done is brave, but more importantly values her life and those of her children.  For me, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have to think about it long.  Being here for my son means more to me than having the breasts I was born with.  I made a decision to have gastric bypass surgery, not to become skinny, but to be here to watch and participate in my sons growing up years.  I need to see him graduate, go to college, get married, have kids....I just need that, so making a decision to do whatever it takes to help ensure that happening is an easy thing to do.  I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but that is not in my control...what I can control I will.  Bravo Angelina, not just for putting your children first, but for sharing this with the public.  It will help with the decisions of so many women I'm sure.

Finally, this week we increased my sons ADHD meds.  He had been having difficulty at school...mostly with impulse control, so we talked to our Dr. and he agreed that he might just need an adjustment.  We have seen an improvement, and I think the school has to.   It's a hard balance, one I'm not sure I will ever get the hang of.  We try to give him just enough that it helps, but not too much that we lose our little boy.  Having trouble at school has so many ramifications, it's just surprising until you really sit down and think about it.  He can't control his impulses, so if he doesn't like something you have said to him, well he might walk by you brushing up against you hard enough to make you hit your elbow on a door frame.  He might get it in his mind that he wants to touch that new toy you brought to school, even though you don't want him to, but before you know it he has and your are upset with him.  These sorts of actions make it hard to make and keep friends.  Over the course of the last month or so he has been sharing with us that the kids at school leave him out of play.  As a mother this breaks my heart, but logically I know that it's tough for 3rd graders to understand, let alone, accommodate a child who acts up and does things that really bug you.  I recognize that my boy doesn't mean to do the things he does, but I also recognize that those around him have a two choices, they can let him in and maybe get hurt, or they can leave him out and not have to worry about who gets hurt.  I feel bad for my little boy, and hope that the change in meds, and maybe a summer break might make the difference when it comes to friends.  It's hard being in the 3rd grade, no matter what, but it's so much harder when you just can't seem to control your actions.  The stress of motherhood. 

It's been a very eventful week for everyone....lets hope next week is a little more boring than this one was.

Z

It's finally over....the end is here, I am glad I did it, but I'm glad to be done. 

This is my second A-Z challenge and I have to say this year was more difficult than last year.  I enjoyed it this year, but I found it more difficult to find the time to sit down and actually write something that anyone would want to read.....sometimes I didn't even feel like reading what I wrote so I apologize for some of the lame posts.  It's surprisingly difficult to come up with interesting things to say in regards to a certain letter. 

Writing everyday has made me realize how much I enjoy it, but I do like writing about what I feel like more than a certain thing...like a letter.  I like to feel it, feel the need to share it, and sometimes that just didn't happen this year.  Last year I had more to say, more time to say it, and it seemed to come easier.  This year my life is busy...not that I am complaining at all...just is.  I am grateful for the busyness of my life, I enjoy having places to go, people to talk to and not just sitting idle.  I am truly loving life.

Today is my birthday....and no, you don't need to know how old I am, but I am old enough to know that life just gets better if you give it a chance.  I can honestly remember times in my life where I truly believed there was no end to the misery, no end to the darkness, no end to the sadness that surrounded me like a warm blanket.  I lived through those days, somehow, just putting my feet on the floor every morning, breathing in and out all day, and closing my eyes at night.  There were plenty of nights I prayed the pain would stop, and woke up in the morning with it hitting me like a brick wall.  I remember all of those times, and now I can truly appreciate how much has changed.  For anyone who is going through difficult times, please take my word for it, it gets better.  You just have to put your feet on the floor every morning, breath in and out all day long, and cuddle into the belief every night that things will eventually get better.  You just have to believe, you just have to have faith.  Life is definitely a roller coaster ride, sometime the ups and downs can be fun, sometimes they are more like a nightmare, but all of it makes us who we are.          

I wouldn't trade one of those miserable nights for anything.  I wouldn't want to not have lived through what I have had to live through to get to today, I needed every single moment of it to be where I am today, and where I am today is heaven on earth to me.  It isn't perfect, it isn't always easy, but it's a whole lot better than it was.  I look forward to the morning now, to the craziness, to the smiles I see as I walk into the kitchen.  I love walking my son to school, watching him play on the school yard, having small chats with the other mother's as we watch.  These woman have become so important to me, just those few minutes of connecting have become such sweet moments in my life now.  I am blessed.

When things get bad, just hold on.  Hold onto whatever and whoever you can....it's through that strength that you will make it, it's possible.

Thanks for reading my posts, and I hope you will stay tuned to what is to come...whatever that might be~

Years

When I was a kid, one of the things I heard all the time was "enjoy your childhood, it's the best years of your life".  I didn't get that then, but now that I have reached middle age I understand it a bit more.

The years fly by.  When faced with a long term contract, like a mortgage or car loan you think, "wow, 5 yrs until this car is paid off is such a long time".  The fact of the matter is, the older you get the faster it goes.  School years just fly, sometimes I wonder where the time goes.  My little boy is growing up so fast, it's really quite amazing.

Do I think the childhood years are the best of your life.  Well, if you are talking about the fact that you get to have a great deal less stress, your worries are less, your fun is way more.  However, I wouldn't trade this time of my life for anything.

Being middle age has it's advantages, and it's disadvantages.  Yes, I have to think about things like, bills, dentists, clothes, school, raising a child right.  But I also get to have total control over my life, I get to enjoy raising my child, I get to eat what I want, go where I want, sleep when I want, play when I want.  As a child I remember someone else calling all of those shots and more.  I always felt out of control, I felt like nothing was in my power.  I love life now.

It's so important to live everyday like it's your last, not just because you might not get a tomorrow, but because time goes so fast.  Tomorrow never comes, yesterday is just a memory, today is where it's at.   Don't sweat the small things, and live for today!

X

X.  Well I haven't anything to write about regarding X.  I guess I could talk about my X's...but I don't have anything really interesting to say about mine, they are all good people and I am still in contact with every single one of them.  So I am left with very little left. 

X is a letter in the alphabet that very few words start with, so what can you say?? 

It's been a beautiful day here in Southwestern Ontario, I have spent the entire day with the two most important people in my life enjoying the sun!!  Weather is getting better, buds have fallen off the trees and the leaves are starting to show their faces, the tulips are getting strong and beautiful.  Xcelent day!!

Weak People

I am not a weak person.  I know this because I am alive today, if I had been weak I wouldn't have made it.

I know there are people out there that are weaker than others, some who live their lives as victims, instead of survivors.  I don't think they are weak unless they are not interested in making their situation better, and if that's the case I have no energy for them.  I run out of energy for them, but they come into my life for a reason.  I have found that through these types of people I learn so much about myself.  They teach me just how strong I am, they teach me just how self sufficient I am!  It's through these people that I have learned just how truly blessed I am, and grateful for who I am.   

We all have things in our lives we have to overcome, I have had my share believe me.  There have been times where I needed some help from a trained professional, and other time where I have used the skills those trained professionals have taught me to move beyond the situations in a healthy productive way. 

We all have people in our lives who think their soul purpose in life is to drain the life out of those around them.  They insist on only looking at the bad, no matter how many positives you try to point out.  They insist that nothing is going to change, it's out of their control, despite all of the solutions you point out.  They don't hear anything, they don't do anything, and they wont talk about anything else...it's so draining.  I have learned that these people love their misery more than they love picking themselves up and being capable people, they don't need me!

Having issues in your life, and having a hard time moving past them doesn't make you weak if you, in fact, try very hard to find the tools to get through it.  Being weak is knowing there's a problem and doing nothing to help your involvement in that problem.

Facing fears, jumping in the deep end, letting go and throwing your hands in the air while the roller coaster of life is descending, these are ways in which we show our strength.  Strong people are survivors, they live with an optimism knowing they can get through anything the world throws at them, these are the people I am most drawn to, the ones I like to fill my life with.  They inspire me, they challenge me to try harder, they give me strength just by example.  They are who I want to be, and try to be daily.  I am proud to say that I am strong, sensitive, caring and loving.  I am proud to say that although I cry, it's my strength that allows me to do so, knowing that the tears are just a release, and not a symbol of weakness.

When life gets hard, and it always does no matter who you are, dig in, work through it, lean on the ones who love you and pick yourself up.  This is strength!

Value Menu

Do you remember when Wendy's used to have the 99 cent value menu??  I don't know, maybe they still do, I can tell you I sure took advantage of that thing!

When I was pregnant with my son I was working all day cleaning houses and doing Theatre at night.  It was non stop and very busy, so the value menu came in handy more often than it didn't.  I know, how unhealthy, but really eating candy bars would have been worse.

I loved fast food of all sorts.  McDonald's and I were such good friends, I could kill a McChicken like no other...and do miss them so much.  I loved their fries, who doesn't?  The best fries in the world as far as I'm concerned.  Nothing really beat that value menu at Wendy's though.  You could go there, get 5 things and only pay 5 dollars.....best value on the planet.  I think I had everything on that menu at some point, it's all good.  Oh and to finish off the meal with a frosty, now that's just heaven in a cup!!

Live changes, you grow up, specially after you have grown out like I did.  I know that what I did was not healthy, but healthy costs so much more.  I know there are people out there that will make the argument that healthy can be done on a budget, but they just can't beat the value menu.  Buying veggies and fruit, enough to last a week breaks the bank.  It does!!

Imagine how much money you would have in your bank account if food was free.  Imagine how much more you could do if you didn't have to pay so much at the grocery store.  For us, and there are two adults and one 8 yr old child, we spend 500.00 a month on the bulk of our groceries.  Then we spend more on the weekly milk, bread and odds and ends that we also have to buy.  The price of food has just gotten out of hand.  I am tired of it.

We don't go to the value menu anymore, in fact we don't go out for meals much at all anymore.  I am glad that we have made that change, and for the most part I don't miss it, but I do get tired of cooking all the time.  I sometimes feel like I would just like to go drive thru and buy up enough for us, but that would just be wrong.

Undo

You can't undo some things you do.  Even though you would like to.

If you are anything like me, there are things in your life that you would like to undo.  Things I have said, things I have done, people I have let into my life, situations I have gotten myself into.  Once it's done, it's done.  I wish we were given some "Undo" coupons in life, then just after you do something you know you shouldn't have you can use a coupon and it's all undone.

Words are permanent, you can't take back the things you say...so choose them wisely.  Remember to always say exactly what you mean, and nothing more.

Your actions have permanent consequences, you can't take them back no matter what you say or do.  Choose your actions carefully.  I have a hard time with this, as I tend to over react to some things and end up reacting in a inappropriate way.  Now I have learned to sleep on it, if I feel the same way in the morning than I react.  It's sometimes impossible to do that, but when I can I do.

You can apologize, yes, if you do it right and the person you are apologizing is reasonable, then that might help the situation but it will never change what you did.  A good apology has three parts.  Say you are sorry, then say it is all your fault, and then ask how you can make it better.  Without all three then it really isn't a sincere apology.  Most people expect that others will do things over time that will not sit well with them, so don't be afraid of making mistakes, just don't set out to hurt others....you are going to do it eventually anyway.

Theatre

I love musical Theatre, I always have. 

When I was a young girl I volunteered, through my Pathfinder group, at all of the productions in my small home town.  I remember seeing "Annie Get Your Gun" and "South Pacific" just to name a couple.  These were good, but I knew there had to be more to musical theatre than those old standards.  Then one day I was asked to help with the town's production of "Fiddler on the Roof" and I was hooked, line and sinker.

Later, as an adult I worked at a musical Theatre in Houston Texas.  It was a small company, but the size didn't have anything on the talent. They were a talented group of people, and the shows they put on reflected that.  I was able to do many things while working there, everything from principal dresser to stage management and I even acted in a couple of shows myself.  I loved the work, I loved what I did, more than any job I had ever had.

Over those years working there I was able to see many, many different musicals.  I would have to say that my all time favorite was "Parade", by Jason Robert Brown.  This particular show had been on Broadway, but didn't have much of a life there.  For me it's the best musical ever made.  I loved the story, it had me from the beginning to the end.  If you don't know the story of Leo Frank you should. 

Mr. Leo Frank was a young professional man who was from New York, but married a small town girl from Georgia.  Leo was meek, quiet and not at all someone you would think would ever be accused of what he was, in fact, accused of.  He maintained his innocence, and did whatever it took to convince everyone, including his non-believing wife of it.  When there was finally a light at the end of his very long tunnel the unspeakable happened.  Something that could only happen in the south to a Jewish man. 

The story is timeless, even though it deals with attitudes that do not reflect that of most people today.  You can identify with him, with his plight, and with the way in which his wife finally comes to his side and stands by him!  I just love this musical.

A few years ago we went to New York.  We had planned on seeing two musicals while there, and we chose "Sweeney Todd" and "The Snow Show".  Both were outstanding.  Sweeney Todd is one of my favorites, I have had the opportunity to see it several times.  The Broadway production was definitely enhanced by Patti Lupone as Mrs. Lovett and Micheal Cerveris as Todd.  However, I really loved Slava's Snowshow.  This is an experience performance.  There are no words, only loveable clowns (no, not the scary kind) and a great deal of snow.  I have never experienced theatre like this, and will likely never again.  This show was off Broadway, but so should have been right there among all the other great productions.  It is no longer in New York.  It is currently touring all over the world so if you get a chance to see the "Snowshow" do, you will not be disappointed.

My son loves theatre as well....the apple doesn't fall from and all that.  His love is much more intense than I would have ever expected. I thought he would love it, but his is just driven by it.  His drive is very contagious, and sure makes getting him to the next best thing very important to us.  I hope he always has this love, there really isn't anything like live theatre.

If you haven't gone in a while, go buy a ticket and get out there.  Feel the excitement...

Smell

I am constantly reading little sayings on facebook.  Some of them I really find inspirational, some I find annoying, but the ones that have to do with not living in the past make me question what they really mean.  Do they mean, don't live in the past, meaning don't only think of the past, or do they mean forget the past and just live in the day to day.  For some of us forgetting the past is more difficult than one would think, sometimes the past come back to haunt you when you least expect it.

For any of you who read my blog regularly know by now that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I was abused by many different people in my childhood.  The son of a family friend started abusing me when I was 5, and continued until I was 9, another family friend abused me when I was 10 and a family member abused me when I was 12.  Yes, it's very true that those of us who were abused have this sign on our forehead that only abusers can see, hence the multiple times by various people.  But really, once a child is abused it is easier for abusers to find those children as they have an ability to get to them easier.  Once you have been abused you just think that that's all that you are worth and it continues.  It's a breaking of innocence, it destroys who you were intended to be, and it forever changes you.

I don't live in the past for the most part.  What happened to me as a child has been discussed, worked through, analyzed and broken down, and has also been laid to rest...for the most part.  Yes, there are lingering things that come up from time to time, things I deal with especially when dealing with my own child.  I can honestly say that there isn't much that I allow my son to do without thinking about his safety and who is around.  I don't trust people, I don't let people into our lives easily, and certainly don't want to ever put my own child into the same situations I found myself in all those years ago.  I think before doing anything, and I question when maybe most wouldn't, these are just some of the lasting effects of being abused.  These are the struggles I encounter on a daily basis, but I certainly don't let it stop me from living my life.

There are things that will bring you right back to the abuse, things you don't think about, you don't look out for, things you can't control.  Smell is a big trigger for me.  I will smell certain things and I am right back there....right back to being a little girl enduring the most disgusting things all over again.  When I smell peanut butter I am there, when I smell the all too familiar smell of a regular teenage boys room, I am there.  When I come across the smell of a certain perfume, the one I used to cover up the disgusting smell in the bathroom of a family friends home after enduring the unspeakable just moments before.  The smell of exhaust coming from a snow mobile will bring me back to a certain incident, or the smell of cigarette smoke on someone's breath.  These are all triggers for me, they are bring back the past without me willing it up.

Talking about living in the present is a wonderful notion for some, but for me I am constantly fighting what once was in today.  There have been times raising my son where I have been pulled back.  When he was 5, I was constantly reminded just how much my life changed at that age.  He being 5 reminded me of who I was then, how much I was like him, and how much the abuse took all of what made me, me, away.  It is just one more life long consequence of being a survivor.

Living for today is really important.  I try desperately not to live at any other moment in my life, but what was once has made me who I am today and I have to acknowledge  that and accept it.  I am someone I am proud of, despite my many flaws, but it is what it is and I am okay with it all. 

Respect

If you are anything like me you have noticed the lack of respect as of late.  It seems like no one really care's about treating people respectfully, unless it suits their purposes.  I, for one, and getting a bit tired of it.

Raising a boy is difficult, if you have tried you know.  I am not saying it's any more or less difficult than raising a girl, but I know nothing about raising a daughter, so I am only going to speak of what I know.  We are always trying to teach him ways in which to act respectfully.  It's no simple task, but we are up for the challenge.

Teaching a child to respectful starts with being respectful to your parents and to yourself.  We have taught our son to show respect to others,  and to himself.  We have taught him to ask three questions when dealing with others.  Question 1, Was it kind? Question 2, Was it safe, and finally Question 3, was it respectable?  We have done this because we feel if he can answer yes to all three questions he is doing the right thing.  Of course this is a work in progress, it always is when dealing with a child, but we are trying and that's what's important.  For the most part our little guy does right by others more than he doesn't.  Sure he makes mistakes, things he is not proud of, but with ever mistake an opportunity is opened. 

People in general have lost the art of respect.  When I was a kid I was told to respect my elders.  That meant almost anyone with gray hair, and almost anyone older than 20.  Well, for the most part we did that, only the daredevils ever talked back to a teacher, or a parent for that matter.  Now, well we all know that kids talking back has become more normal than not.  Parents have forgotten how important it is for their children to speak correctly to others.  It really shows more about the parent than the child.  I know for me, when I see a child talking back to their elders I know that speaks to how they are being raised.

Teaching a boy to open doors for other's is another thing we attempt to do regularly.  He does a great job with that.  We have taught him that he opens doors for all, not just females.  I think it's important to show respect no matter what the sex is.  If I had a daughter I would also teach her to open doors for others, it's just respectful.  How many times do you come to a door and have the person in front just hurry in and not even so much as look behind.  I know it happens to me often.

The other day I was on an elevator.  It was just me, my partner and a man whom we did not know.  When it came to get off at our floor the man pushed his way in front of us and hurried on his way.  Both me and my partner looked at each other is disbelief.  It's really gotten that bad out there folks.

You see disrespect on the roads daily.  Everyone needs to get there a split second before everyone else no matter what it takes.  I can't tell you how many times I have come up to construction and there are people who continue down the road until they can push in front of those who actually moved into the right lane.  This drives me crazy, not just because it's rude and disrespectful, but it's dangerous as well.  You get cut off in traffic all the time.  It's just become a way of life nowadays.  What ever happened to letting others go first.  I just don't get why people feel more important than others in this respect.  I just don't get why being in front is so important.  Life isn't a race is it....it isn't for me.  I think living like it a marathon is so much simpler than thinking it's some sort of sprint.

Respect is something that is earned??  Is it really, I don't think so.  I really think that respect is something that is a given until proven otherwise.  I really think if we were all just a little more respectable, more in tune to others around us, and actually gave a crap, we would really be in a better place.    It sure would make your day go nicer, and you wouldn't have so many wrinkles and ulcers.