We want to blame, we need to pin it on something, someone, some lack of something, too much of something, not enough of something. We need to blame.
We need answers, we hear from neighbours, fathers, brothers, friends. Interviews continue and continue until you just have to turn it off, your brain, your TV.
Too much, sadness, sorrow, fear, hate, anger, distrust, tears, heartache, tears, tears,tears, I can't move past the sadness.
Not enough, control, understanding, answers, questions, love, honesty, stability, health care, controls, controls, controls. Armed guards. Metal detectors.
I need to move past this, I need to move on. I can't look at my son and see him and know anyone, anywhere could take him out....only I can do that, as I am the one who brought him in.
God was with them, as he is with everyone, praying at school does not change that.
Is he to blame, yes, are we, yes, is the government, yes, is the society we live in, yes, social media, yes, we are all to blame. WE are only as good as our best and as bad as our worst. WE all own it. WE all play a role, we all can change it....but instead we sit and say "now is not the time" then when?
I pray for those children, their families, their loved ones, their friends. I pray for those who survived, witnessed, and will have to move on with the images in their brains forever....God please be with those who lived, they have so much to hold now.
I am thankful there weren't more. I am thankful more lived than died, I am thankful I have a little boy to go and pick up from school. I am thankful that I now understand just how precious every single moment is, and will value it in a way I never did before.
I will never forget, I will never let this go, I want change!!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Snow
I am not at all popular with my love for snow, but I truly love it with all my heart.
When I was a kid that was my biggest refuge...I could go out and play in the snow for hours and hours and be left alone by everyone.
From about mid November to sometimes late April we would have snow on the ground. There was none of this "I wonder if it's going to be a white Christmas" stuff. That was something you could count on, the only thing you couldn't count on is if you were going to be able to make all the things you had planned because of how much snow you might get, and have to travel through.
For the most part the snow would build on the sides of the roads to the height of, at the very least, 3 feet. They were great for hiding behind, using to sit in, and always made it easy to ski to the hill.
The hills on the school ground would grow to be 15 plus feet long before Christmas, and as kids we would dig holes, make forts, have snowball fights, and hide in at every recess. There was never a time when we didn't know what to do, there were plenty of things to do, just never enough time to do them all. For the most part everyone took part in the building, the fighting, and the hiding, but of course there were some who would stay on the playground with the teacher and stay clear of the hill fun. I was not one of those kids, I loved to dig holes, make slides and would never shy away from a good snowball fight. I don't ever remember anyone getting hurt, not at school. I remember having a lot of fun and learning to love my Canadian winters.
Later, in my teen years I learned to cross country ski, and well, I couldn't get enough. I skied all over my town, went to near by forests, and from time to time went out to the conservation area close to our home and use their trails. This was long before ski skating became popular (something I disliked having to deal with on the trails after it did). I could spend the best part of a Sunday going along those trails, getting all the fresh air I could handle and then making it back to town to hit the small mom and pop restaurant downtown to have a hot chocolate with some whipped cream in it.
For me, this was life in Canada in the winter. I loved snow, I learned to live with it, but more than that, it was the life I wanted.
As an adult I moved away from Canada for a bit, and missed the seasons so much I had to come back. Yes, I was living in one of the more tropical area's on the mainland of North America, but I missed the trees turning colours, I missed the smell of the first falling snow, and I missed everything coming back to life again in the spring. So home I went.
Since returning, almost 8 yrs ago we have rarely had a white Christmas, we have had a few, and I mean a few days here and there that Zeb could go running down a hill on a sled. It's not been the winters I remember, it's not been the fun I used to have, it's been sad, really sad.
I want Zeb to have the kind of experience I had, I want him to spend hours at the hill going up and down and up and down until he just can't do it again. I want him to build forts, throw snowballs and enjoy all that a Canadian Winter should have to offer. Where is it?
I feel, honestly, my kid is getting ripped off here. He is almost 8 yrs old, has seen maybe 3 white Christmas' and can't ever run down the street, sled on the end of the rope and play till his hearts content. WHERE IS THE SNOW PEOPLE!!
For those of you who hate snow, Texas is a wonderful place to go, so please do....I hold you all completely responsible for the lack of Canadian winter here, as you all wish it away! GO!! I want my winters back!!
When I was a kid that was my biggest refuge...I could go out and play in the snow for hours and hours and be left alone by everyone.
From about mid November to sometimes late April we would have snow on the ground. There was none of this "I wonder if it's going to be a white Christmas" stuff. That was something you could count on, the only thing you couldn't count on is if you were going to be able to make all the things you had planned because of how much snow you might get, and have to travel through.
For the most part the snow would build on the sides of the roads to the height of, at the very least, 3 feet. They were great for hiding behind, using to sit in, and always made it easy to ski to the hill.
The hills on the school ground would grow to be 15 plus feet long before Christmas, and as kids we would dig holes, make forts, have snowball fights, and hide in at every recess. There was never a time when we didn't know what to do, there were plenty of things to do, just never enough time to do them all. For the most part everyone took part in the building, the fighting, and the hiding, but of course there were some who would stay on the playground with the teacher and stay clear of the hill fun. I was not one of those kids, I loved to dig holes, make slides and would never shy away from a good snowball fight. I don't ever remember anyone getting hurt, not at school. I remember having a lot of fun and learning to love my Canadian winters.
Later, in my teen years I learned to cross country ski, and well, I couldn't get enough. I skied all over my town, went to near by forests, and from time to time went out to the conservation area close to our home and use their trails. This was long before ski skating became popular (something I disliked having to deal with on the trails after it did). I could spend the best part of a Sunday going along those trails, getting all the fresh air I could handle and then making it back to town to hit the small mom and pop restaurant downtown to have a hot chocolate with some whipped cream in it.
For me, this was life in Canada in the winter. I loved snow, I learned to live with it, but more than that, it was the life I wanted.
As an adult I moved away from Canada for a bit, and missed the seasons so much I had to come back. Yes, I was living in one of the more tropical area's on the mainland of North America, but I missed the trees turning colours, I missed the smell of the first falling snow, and I missed everything coming back to life again in the spring. So home I went.
Since returning, almost 8 yrs ago we have rarely had a white Christmas, we have had a few, and I mean a few days here and there that Zeb could go running down a hill on a sled. It's not been the winters I remember, it's not been the fun I used to have, it's been sad, really sad.
I want Zeb to have the kind of experience I had, I want him to spend hours at the hill going up and down and up and down until he just can't do it again. I want him to build forts, throw snowballs and enjoy all that a Canadian Winter should have to offer. Where is it?
I feel, honestly, my kid is getting ripped off here. He is almost 8 yrs old, has seen maybe 3 white Christmas' and can't ever run down the street, sled on the end of the rope and play till his hearts content. WHERE IS THE SNOW PEOPLE!!
For those of you who hate snow, Texas is a wonderful place to go, so please do....I hold you all completely responsible for the lack of Canadian winter here, as you all wish it away! GO!! I want my winters back!!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
T'is the Season
This is the season where we rejoice in our beliefs and enjoy time and fellowship with our kin. This season means so many different things to so many different people, yet some feel that what they believe far outweighs what other's believe.
Christian's, the world over, feel this season marks the birth of their saviour "Jesus Christ" because that is what the bible tells them is so. For Jews this is a season to celebrate light, as a miracle happened here all those years ago. For some it is a time to reflect on their heritage, to unit as a people, and celebrate where they have come from and what they have been through during their week long celebration of Kwanzaa!
Some, not all but some, are angry that we are not encouraged to say "Merry Christmas" during this time of year. Some feel they should have every right to say it. Well they should, I agree. I also agree that on buildings, in schools, and any other public facility there should not be a definite holiday declared, as there are many during this time of year. I feel that "Merry Christmas" should not be written on the town hall of cities and towns, as not everyone in that city or town celebrates Christmas, just as I don't feel that there should be "Happy Hanukkah", or "Happy Kwanzaa" should be written on said town halls. I think writing "Happy Holiday's" on public buildings unites us, not divides us.
To think that one religion should supersede another during this time of year is arrogant. Doesn't arrogance go against what is taught in the bible. Did Jesus not embrace all creatures, peoples and animals? Did he turn his back on ones who did not believe in him, or what he said. Not in the book I read. Jesus, in fact, was a Jew. If he were alive today he would be lighting the candles of the Menorah during this time of year, not opening presents under a Christmas tree left by Santa.
I think that understanding that "You" are not more important than "them" is a wonderful lesson this time of year. That what "You" believe, is not more important than anyone one else's beliefs, and that how you want to celebrate, speak, and address this holiday is entirely your decision and right. If you wish to say "Merry Christmas" then do so, if you would rather say "Happy Holiday's" then go ahead, neither one is less or more important than the other.
I am tired of fighting, it seems a bit against the whole thing doesn't it. It seems to me that all of the celebrations during this time have one thing in common. They all want to bring people together and share, share their food, their gifts, and their time. It's really about rejoicing with all, and acknowledging what "once happened here".
At our house we light the menorah, we buy Christmas presents and we celebrate all of us living together.
Love one another, don't divide, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. "You" don't really matter, but what you "DO" does!
Christian's, the world over, feel this season marks the birth of their saviour "Jesus Christ" because that is what the bible tells them is so. For Jews this is a season to celebrate light, as a miracle happened here all those years ago. For some it is a time to reflect on their heritage, to unit as a people, and celebrate where they have come from and what they have been through during their week long celebration of Kwanzaa!
Some, not all but some, are angry that we are not encouraged to say "Merry Christmas" during this time of year. Some feel they should have every right to say it. Well they should, I agree. I also agree that on buildings, in schools, and any other public facility there should not be a definite holiday declared, as there are many during this time of year. I feel that "Merry Christmas" should not be written on the town hall of cities and towns, as not everyone in that city or town celebrates Christmas, just as I don't feel that there should be "Happy Hanukkah", or "Happy Kwanzaa" should be written on said town halls. I think writing "Happy Holiday's" on public buildings unites us, not divides us.
To think that one religion should supersede another during this time of year is arrogant. Doesn't arrogance go against what is taught in the bible. Did Jesus not embrace all creatures, peoples and animals? Did he turn his back on ones who did not believe in him, or what he said. Not in the book I read. Jesus, in fact, was a Jew. If he were alive today he would be lighting the candles of the Menorah during this time of year, not opening presents under a Christmas tree left by Santa.
I think that understanding that "You" are not more important than "them" is a wonderful lesson this time of year. That what "You" believe, is not more important than anyone one else's beliefs, and that how you want to celebrate, speak, and address this holiday is entirely your decision and right. If you wish to say "Merry Christmas" then do so, if you would rather say "Happy Holiday's" then go ahead, neither one is less or more important than the other.
I am tired of fighting, it seems a bit against the whole thing doesn't it. It seems to me that all of the celebrations during this time have one thing in common. They all want to bring people together and share, share their food, their gifts, and their time. It's really about rejoicing with all, and acknowledging what "once happened here".
At our house we light the menorah, we buy Christmas presents and we celebrate all of us living together.
Love one another, don't divide, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. "You" don't really matter, but what you "DO" does!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Relationship Quiz
Someone put this quiz on their blog, and I thought, why not so here it is.
1. How old are you?
45
2. How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than 5 minutes.
We are lucky, we talk for very long periods all the time, daily, several times a day.
3. How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
She doesn't do much, but she usually does what she can. I am home all day so obviously I am responsible for most, but she puts the garbage out (when I remind her to)
4. What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
Chinese food.
5. When is the last time you had your favorite food?
It's been a few months now, since gastric bypass surgery there has and will likely not be anymore Chinese food.
6. Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
I really don't do anything my spouse doesn't know about...except maybe how often I clean the insides of the garbage pails in the house....I think she would be surprised by that.
7. What medications are you taking?
I take a multivitamin twice daily, and that's it for now.
8. List 3 things that scare you.
1. That Zeb will grow into the teen years and get addicted to drugs.
2. That we become homeless and penniless.
3. That Zeb becomes unhappy and I can't do anything to help him.
9. Do you believe love can last?
I think that love can last, if you work at it. Nothing in life worth anything comes easy, and love isn't an exception. I think sometimes you have to remember love, especially when you are feeling like you don't like them right now...but that in a few hours or a day you will like them again.
10. Are you still in love with your spouse?
Yes, although I forget sometimes. I realized after my recent surgery just how much she matters to me, and how important it was to see her after I came out of recovery, in some ways it was more important to me than seeing Zeb. This came as a surprise.
11. Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
Yes, doesn't everyone. Commitment is hard, and it takes more work than one would think.
12. If so, what would stop you?
I don't leave because we share 11 yrs together and because there is so much more right about us than wrong. I just have to take a break and remember all that.
13. List 5 positive things about your spouse.
1. She is smart
2. She is giving of herself
3. She works really hard to take care of us
4. She has an incredible contagious laugh
5. She is a rock exactly when you need a rock.
14. List 3 negative things about your spouse.
1. She is a slob, she leaves piles everywhere and for the life of her can't see why that is a problem.
2. She sometimes doesn't listen to my whole thought, and then jumps to conclusions.
3. She is not the best driver in the world.
15. What is your favorite book?
Anne Of Green Gables.
16. How well do you think you know your spouse.
I know her very well. I think I know her better than anyone else does.
17. What did you used to do that you don't do now?
Well we used to do lots of things before Zeb was born, like I used to work outside the house. We used to go out more nights of the week than we didn't, and we spent more time with other people.
18. Are you religious?
I used to be very religious, in fact in high school my wish was to become a United Church minister. We are not religious now, unfortunately that is sometimes part of the fall out when you come out of the closet. We are spiritual, and enjoy celebrating various religious traditions in our home, eg. we light Hanukkah candles during Hanukkah, and we also celebrate Christmas with a tree and all the decorations.
19. Do you believe in God?
Yes, my life would be empty without that.
20. List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your 20's.
I didn't know Damie when I was in my 20's, but I knew her while she was in her 20's. I think her eyes have always been my favorite part of Damie.
21. List your favorite part now.
I like her butt, but her eyes still get me.
22. Describe your first impression of your spouse.
I thought she kind of looked like the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
23. Where did you go on your first date?
We really didn't have a first date, but the first place we went together was to a restaurant in the middle of the night in Houston TX called Kat's. It is a traditional New York Deli, and one of Damie's favorite places to go when she is home.
24. List some little irritations of marriage.
I don't always like that you lose some of yourself, or your own identity when you marry. In our relationship, for the most part, people refer to us as DamienMarie, rather than Damie, and Marie. I get lost in there somewhere. I think the day to day boredom takes it tole as well, doing the same things day in and day out, and there really isn't alot of room to shake things up.
25. How many credit cards do you have?
1, and we just recently got it.
26. How often do you google yourself?
I just did for the first time....not much out there about me.
27. How does your marriage compare to your parents marriage?
Mine is the polar opposite of my parents. Damie and I talk all the time, spend all of our time together, and really enjoy each other. I have very little to complain about, and if I do I share it with her. My parents never really got along well, certainly later in life, which is when I mostly remember their marriage.
28. What is the last anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
We don't do that, we never have. We give gifts and little tokens of our affection from time to time for no real reason. It's just our way.
29. Describe your spouse when you first met.
She was nervous, a bit stressed and out of breath. We met for the first time when I arrived in Houston TX to live after meeting her online a few months before. Our first face to face was in the airport.
30. What do you wish you had known/warned about regarding marriage.
I am not sure, we lived together for 7 yrs before we got married so we were pretty comfortable with each other by then.
31. Is your spouse a good listener?
Yes, she listens well, however, she doesn't always give very effective feed back. Sometimes I can pore my heart out, and she will just reply with "I'm sorry about that", which can drive me a bit crazy from time to time. No one said I was easy to live with.
32. Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
Yes, more than once. She can have a bit of a aggressive personality and sometimes comes across to harsh. She is not afraid to stick up for herself, but sometimes she does it in a way that it looks aggressive. It is not my way, so I feel ashamed to be around her when she behaves that way. She is getting better.
33. Do you and your spouse exercise together?
We walk together from time to time, and we go on bike rides as a family, but if you mean regular daily exercise, no we do that separately.
34. Is it okay if your spouse has secrets.
I think little secrets are fine, I do not think keeping real important facts from me is a good idea.
35. Does your spouse do a good job communicating her needs to you?
She does a good job of asking me for what she needs, but sometimes she doesn't do it when she first realizes it.
36. What do you consider flirting?
It has been so long since I flirted with anyone I forget what it's all about. I was never much for flirting to begin with.
37. What is the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I told her yesterday that the dog is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was just kidding.
38. What is the last mean thing your spouse said to you?
She doesn't say mean things, but I think the last time she said something really mean was a few months ago when she said I was acting like my mother...........meanest thing anyone could ever say, and she knows it...so it was said to cut. She took it back soon after she said it though!
39. Would your friends say you were happily married.
Yes, I think most think we have a great marriage, and family, and they would be right.
40. Would you say you were happily married.
For the most part we are happily married. There are days I want to be done with the whole thing and run, but they are fleeting moments.....drops in a pool.
41. What do you believe should never be done in public.
I don't think you should ever argue in public, not really argue, and because if we were to show affection in public it would make others feel uncomfortable, then I think no one else should either.
42. What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
I think that the hardest emotional state for someone to deal with when someone else is in it is jealously. I think that if someone is jealous, it makes life very very difficult. However, I think that dealing with the loss of someone, bereavement is a very very hard emotional state for you to deal with when it's you dealing with it.
43. Do you fake things, if yes give examples.
Yes, I fake liking some things that Zeb loves....as a good mother should. I fake listening to him sometimes, tone him out, or else all of his chatter would get to me. I sometimes have faked liking something, like, that I had a great time doing something when I really didn't or that I like a gift someone has given me when really all I can do is think about who I can re-gift it to.
44. How many times a week do you exercise?
I exercise more than 5 times a week.
45. Finish this sentence----I feel loved and cared for when
When someone does something without having to...like picks up the phone to call out of the blue, or sends a little note. I also feel loved when Damie looks at me a certain way, or when she comes home from work and sits down with us and talks about her day. I feel loved and cared for when I am laying next to Zeb in bed at night reading whatever story he wants, knowing that he thinks I am his world.....the list is endless.
46. Whose marriage do you most admire?
I can't say there is any one marriage. I think there are parts of marriages that I admire, but I can't say anyone in my circle has it all together.
47. If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person who would it be.
Honestly, I really can't imagine that...not really. Now if you are talking about a night out with someone I think I would love to spend some real personal time with Michelle Obama.
48. If you gave your spouse a free pass who would they choose.
She used to have a real thing for Elizabeth Mitchell, not sure if she still does but that's the last one I remember her saying she had a crush on.
49. Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
No, not always. She likes campy movies, musicals and I can take them or leave them. I am not really a slap stick girl, however as I said earlier her laugh is contagious so watching slap stick and listening to her laugh makes me laugh.
50. Do you and your spouse agree on how to educate your child on things like drugs and alcohol use?
yes, although we have not begun that with Zeb we have talked about how we want to deal with those issues with him.
51. Do you get along with your in laws.
Nope! Long long story, one I am not sure I will ever share.
52. What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
As she was leaving this morning at 6:45 I told her I loved her, gave her a kiss goodbye and told her to please drive safe.
53. What's your favorite movie?
I have a top five,
Yentl
Beaches
On Golden Pond
Prince of Tides
Roman Holiday
54. How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
We bicker a bit more than I would like, but as far as big quarrels, they don't happen very often. Usually we yell for a minute and then move onto the next thing.
55. What's the sexiest book you have ever read?
I can't say I have read any book that I would describe that way.
56. Describe the moment you knew your spouse was the one?
I knew she was the one when I spent the whole day thinking about her and waiting until I could call her after work. I know she was in my life forever.
57. Describe a situation when your spouse let you down?
She has let me down a few times when she was not honest about money, and this has lead to many arguments and loss of trust.
58. What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like room mates than lovers.
This happens a great deal in lesbian relationships....mainly because, unlike men we do not derive all of our feelings for someone by having sex, it's more emotional than sexual for women. I find this to be a shame. I think that every marriage/relationship goes through their periods of room mate life....it is just one stage, and easier than not to get out of. I think that today more people divorce simply because it's easier than working on the relationship. I think there are certainly times when you have to cut your losses and get out, but not over the situation described in this question.
59. When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
I don't really know, maybe 8 years ago or so.
60. What does it mean to be good?
I think it depends on what you are referring to. I think for the most part I am a good person. This means that I do not go around hurting people on purpose, I follow the laws of the land, I raise my child to be a productive member of society. I think that is what makes a person good.
61. List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
I have stopped doing most of the things I should not be doing. I don't drink, smoke, eat crap, or do drugs. I don't chew my nails, I don't eat too much, I don't sleep too much. I have lost all my vices...it's just all me now.
62. Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
The cliche of "you will have to put their needs before your own". I knew this was true but I didn't realize what that all really meant. I am often surprised by what I can do in the name of my child that I would never have been able to do for myself. He brings out the momma bear in me, and I will defend that boy with vigor!
63. How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I think that we all have an amount of many that keeps our heads out of water and gives us a little to play with. I think that is the amount of money one needs. I think that although money cannot buy happiness, the lack of many sure can eat away happiness. Until you have lived without knowing how to buy groceries for you child, or a toy at Christmas you don't realize just how much money plays a roll in happiness.
64. Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
If it is a dictatorship then get the hell out as fast as your legs can carry you. For the most part a marriage is a give and take, we all dictate a little bit, but for the most part we want what makes our spouse happy, so it is a democracy.
65. If you had to describe marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
I would say that first you fall in love, which is when you know that you are a better person with this person in your life than you are without them. After falling in love you decide to stay together, through all the ups and downs of life until the end....and you hope to be even stronger then then you were at the beginning.
66. If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's what would it be?
I think the most important lesson I have learned is that no one will ever make you happy all of the time, in fact some of the most important people in your life can and will hurt you more than any stranger could ever....but it is all worth it. Love with your whole heart no matter what pain you have had, life isn't worth living without love.
67. Define passion in one sentence.
Passion is when you have a uncontrollable desire for something or someone.
68. What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
I imagined it would take my breath away, make me not want to eat, not want to sleep, that it would take me over like nothing had ever done before....and that's pretty much what happened.
69. Knowing what you know now about romance, what would you share with your child.
I would tell my child to be gentle, and giving, with his whole person. I would tell him not to push, but if it is really right not to ever give up.
70. Give one reason people should get divorced.
Abuse, of any sort. No one should ever tear someone down or make them small, ever!
71. Have you had romantic feeling in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
No!
72. Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Yes!
73. Has your life turned out the way you thought it would.
No, not that it has turned out better or worse, just different than I had imagined as a child.
74, List 3 things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable.
Hurt a child in any way.
Hurt a living thing in any way.
Hurt me willingly and intentionally.
1. How old are you?
45
2. How often do you have a conversation with your spouse that lasts more than 5 minutes.
We are lucky, we talk for very long periods all the time, daily, several times a day.
3. How well does your spouse participate in the running of the household?
She doesn't do much, but she usually does what she can. I am home all day so obviously I am responsible for most, but she puts the garbage out (when I remind her to)
4. What would your spouse say is your favorite food?
Chinese food.
5. When is the last time you had your favorite food?
It's been a few months now, since gastric bypass surgery there has and will likely not be anymore Chinese food.
6. Tell us something you do that your spouse doesn't know about.
I really don't do anything my spouse doesn't know about...except maybe how often I clean the insides of the garbage pails in the house....I think she would be surprised by that.
7. What medications are you taking?
I take a multivitamin twice daily, and that's it for now.
8. List 3 things that scare you.
1. That Zeb will grow into the teen years and get addicted to drugs.
2. That we become homeless and penniless.
3. That Zeb becomes unhappy and I can't do anything to help him.
9. Do you believe love can last?
I think that love can last, if you work at it. Nothing in life worth anything comes easy, and love isn't an exception. I think sometimes you have to remember love, especially when you are feeling like you don't like them right now...but that in a few hours or a day you will like them again.
10. Are you still in love with your spouse?
Yes, although I forget sometimes. I realized after my recent surgery just how much she matters to me, and how important it was to see her after I came out of recovery, in some ways it was more important to me than seeing Zeb. This came as a surprise.
11. Do you ever think about leaving your spouse?
Yes, doesn't everyone. Commitment is hard, and it takes more work than one would think.
12. If so, what would stop you?
I don't leave because we share 11 yrs together and because there is so much more right about us than wrong. I just have to take a break and remember all that.
13. List 5 positive things about your spouse.
1. She is smart
2. She is giving of herself
3. She works really hard to take care of us
4. She has an incredible contagious laugh
5. She is a rock exactly when you need a rock.
14. List 3 negative things about your spouse.
1. She is a slob, she leaves piles everywhere and for the life of her can't see why that is a problem.
2. She sometimes doesn't listen to my whole thought, and then jumps to conclusions.
3. She is not the best driver in the world.
15. What is your favorite book?
Anne Of Green Gables.
16. How well do you think you know your spouse.
I know her very well. I think I know her better than anyone else does.
17. What did you used to do that you don't do now?
Well we used to do lots of things before Zeb was born, like I used to work outside the house. We used to go out more nights of the week than we didn't, and we spent more time with other people.
18. Are you religious?
I used to be very religious, in fact in high school my wish was to become a United Church minister. We are not religious now, unfortunately that is sometimes part of the fall out when you come out of the closet. We are spiritual, and enjoy celebrating various religious traditions in our home, eg. we light Hanukkah candles during Hanukkah, and we also celebrate Christmas with a tree and all the decorations.
19. Do you believe in God?
Yes, my life would be empty without that.
20. List your favorite part of your spouse's body when you were in your 20's.
I didn't know Damie when I was in my 20's, but I knew her while she was in her 20's. I think her eyes have always been my favorite part of Damie.
21. List your favorite part now.
I like her butt, but her eyes still get me.
22. Describe your first impression of your spouse.
I thought she kind of looked like the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
23. Where did you go on your first date?
We really didn't have a first date, but the first place we went together was to a restaurant in the middle of the night in Houston TX called Kat's. It is a traditional New York Deli, and one of Damie's favorite places to go when she is home.
24. List some little irritations of marriage.
I don't always like that you lose some of yourself, or your own identity when you marry. In our relationship, for the most part, people refer to us as DamienMarie, rather than Damie, and Marie. I get lost in there somewhere. I think the day to day boredom takes it tole as well, doing the same things day in and day out, and there really isn't alot of room to shake things up.
25. How many credit cards do you have?
1, and we just recently got it.
26. How often do you google yourself?
I just did for the first time....not much out there about me.
27. How does your marriage compare to your parents marriage?
Mine is the polar opposite of my parents. Damie and I talk all the time, spend all of our time together, and really enjoy each other. I have very little to complain about, and if I do I share it with her. My parents never really got along well, certainly later in life, which is when I mostly remember their marriage.
28. What is the last anniversary gift you received from your spouse?
We don't do that, we never have. We give gifts and little tokens of our affection from time to time for no real reason. It's just our way.
29. Describe your spouse when you first met.
She was nervous, a bit stressed and out of breath. We met for the first time when I arrived in Houston TX to live after meeting her online a few months before. Our first face to face was in the airport.
30. What do you wish you had known/warned about regarding marriage.
I am not sure, we lived together for 7 yrs before we got married so we were pretty comfortable with each other by then.
31. Is your spouse a good listener?
Yes, she listens well, however, she doesn't always give very effective feed back. Sometimes I can pore my heart out, and she will just reply with "I'm sorry about that", which can drive me a bit crazy from time to time. No one said I was easy to live with.
32. Have you ever been ashamed of your spouse?
Yes, more than once. She can have a bit of a aggressive personality and sometimes comes across to harsh. She is not afraid to stick up for herself, but sometimes she does it in a way that it looks aggressive. It is not my way, so I feel ashamed to be around her when she behaves that way. She is getting better.
33. Do you and your spouse exercise together?
We walk together from time to time, and we go on bike rides as a family, but if you mean regular daily exercise, no we do that separately.
34. Is it okay if your spouse has secrets.
I think little secrets are fine, I do not think keeping real important facts from me is a good idea.
35. Does your spouse do a good job communicating her needs to you?
She does a good job of asking me for what she needs, but sometimes she doesn't do it when she first realizes it.
36. What do you consider flirting?
It has been so long since I flirted with anyone I forget what it's all about. I was never much for flirting to begin with.
37. What is the last mean thing you said to your spouse?
I told her yesterday that the dog is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was just kidding.
38. What is the last mean thing your spouse said to you?
She doesn't say mean things, but I think the last time she said something really mean was a few months ago when she said I was acting like my mother...........meanest thing anyone could ever say, and she knows it...so it was said to cut. She took it back soon after she said it though!
39. Would your friends say you were happily married.
Yes, I think most think we have a great marriage, and family, and they would be right.
40. Would you say you were happily married.
For the most part we are happily married. There are days I want to be done with the whole thing and run, but they are fleeting moments.....drops in a pool.
41. What do you believe should never be done in public.
I don't think you should ever argue in public, not really argue, and because if we were to show affection in public it would make others feel uncomfortable, then I think no one else should either.
42. What is the worst emotional state a person can be in?
I think that the hardest emotional state for someone to deal with when someone else is in it is jealously. I think that if someone is jealous, it makes life very very difficult. However, I think that dealing with the loss of someone, bereavement is a very very hard emotional state for you to deal with when it's you dealing with it.
43. Do you fake things, if yes give examples.
Yes, I fake liking some things that Zeb loves....as a good mother should. I fake listening to him sometimes, tone him out, or else all of his chatter would get to me. I sometimes have faked liking something, like, that I had a great time doing something when I really didn't or that I like a gift someone has given me when really all I can do is think about who I can re-gift it to.
44. How many times a week do you exercise?
I exercise more than 5 times a week.
45. Finish this sentence----I feel loved and cared for when
When someone does something without having to...like picks up the phone to call out of the blue, or sends a little note. I also feel loved when Damie looks at me a certain way, or when she comes home from work and sits down with us and talks about her day. I feel loved and cared for when I am laying next to Zeb in bed at night reading whatever story he wants, knowing that he thinks I am his world.....the list is endless.
46. Whose marriage do you most admire?
I can't say there is any one marriage. I think there are parts of marriages that I admire, but I can't say anyone in my circle has it all together.
47. If your spouse gave you one free pass to have sex with another person who would it be.
Honestly, I really can't imagine that...not really. Now if you are talking about a night out with someone I think I would love to spend some real personal time with Michelle Obama.
48. If you gave your spouse a free pass who would they choose.
She used to have a real thing for Elizabeth Mitchell, not sure if she still does but that's the last one I remember her saying she had a crush on.
49. Do you and your spouse find the same things funny?
No, not always. She likes campy movies, musicals and I can take them or leave them. I am not really a slap stick girl, however as I said earlier her laugh is contagious so watching slap stick and listening to her laugh makes me laugh.
50. Do you and your spouse agree on how to educate your child on things like drugs and alcohol use?
yes, although we have not begun that with Zeb we have talked about how we want to deal with those issues with him.
51. Do you get along with your in laws.
Nope! Long long story, one I am not sure I will ever share.
52. What is the last loving thing you said to your spouse?
As she was leaving this morning at 6:45 I told her I loved her, gave her a kiss goodbye and told her to please drive safe.
53. What's your favorite movie?
I have a top five,
Yentl
Beaches
On Golden Pond
Prince of Tides
Roman Holiday
54. How often do you quarrel with your spouse?
We bicker a bit more than I would like, but as far as big quarrels, they don't happen very often. Usually we yell for a minute and then move onto the next thing.
55. What's the sexiest book you have ever read?
I can't say I have read any book that I would describe that way.
56. Describe the moment you knew your spouse was the one?
I knew she was the one when I spent the whole day thinking about her and waiting until I could call her after work. I know she was in my life forever.
57. Describe a situation when your spouse let you down?
She has let me down a few times when she was not honest about money, and this has lead to many arguments and loss of trust.
58. What do you think of the current trend of couples divorcing based on the couples feeling more like room mates than lovers.
This happens a great deal in lesbian relationships....mainly because, unlike men we do not derive all of our feelings for someone by having sex, it's more emotional than sexual for women. I find this to be a shame. I think that every marriage/relationship goes through their periods of room mate life....it is just one stage, and easier than not to get out of. I think that today more people divorce simply because it's easier than working on the relationship. I think there are certainly times when you have to cut your losses and get out, but not over the situation described in this question.
59. When was the last time you flirted with someone other than your spouse?
I don't really know, maybe 8 years ago or so.
60. What does it mean to be good?
I think it depends on what you are referring to. I think for the most part I am a good person. This means that I do not go around hurting people on purpose, I follow the laws of the land, I raise my child to be a productive member of society. I think that is what makes a person good.
61. List some things you wish you could stop doing but can't.
I have stopped doing most of the things I should not be doing. I don't drink, smoke, eat crap, or do drugs. I don't chew my nails, I don't eat too much, I don't sleep too much. I have lost all my vices...it's just all me now.
62. Describe a cliche of parenthood that took you by surprise.
The cliche of "you will have to put their needs before your own". I knew this was true but I didn't realize what that all really meant. I am often surprised by what I can do in the name of my child that I would never have been able to do for myself. He brings out the momma bear in me, and I will defend that boy with vigor!
63. How much money would it take to be happy and does money make it easier to stay happily married?
I think that we all have an amount of many that keeps our heads out of water and gives us a little to play with. I think that is the amount of money one needs. I think that although money cannot buy happiness, the lack of many sure can eat away happiness. Until you have lived without knowing how to buy groceries for you child, or a toy at Christmas you don't realize just how much money plays a roll in happiness.
64. Is marriage a dictatorship or a democracy?
If it is a dictatorship then get the hell out as fast as your legs can carry you. For the most part a marriage is a give and take, we all dictate a little bit, but for the most part we want what makes our spouse happy, so it is a democracy.
65. If you had to describe marriage to an alien who had just arrived on earth, what would you say?
I would say that first you fall in love, which is when you know that you are a better person with this person in your life than you are without them. After falling in love you decide to stay together, through all the ups and downs of life until the end....and you hope to be even stronger then then you were at the beginning.
66. If someone asked you to share a life lesson that you learned in your 40's what would it be?
I think the most important lesson I have learned is that no one will ever make you happy all of the time, in fact some of the most important people in your life can and will hurt you more than any stranger could ever....but it is all worth it. Love with your whole heart no matter what pain you have had, life isn't worth living without love.
67. Define passion in one sentence.
Passion is when you have a uncontrollable desire for something or someone.
68. What did you imagine falling in love would be like when you were young?
I imagined it would take my breath away, make me not want to eat, not want to sleep, that it would take me over like nothing had ever done before....and that's pretty much what happened.
69. Knowing what you know now about romance, what would you share with your child.
I would tell my child to be gentle, and giving, with his whole person. I would tell him not to push, but if it is really right not to ever give up.
70. Give one reason people should get divorced.
Abuse, of any sort. No one should ever tear someone down or make them small, ever!
71. Have you had romantic feeling in the past year for someone other than your spouse?
No!
72. Are you an advocate of gay marriage?
Yes!
73. Has your life turned out the way you thought it would.
No, not that it has turned out better or worse, just different than I had imagined as a child.
74, List 3 things a spouse would do that you would find unforgivable.
Hurt a child in any way.
Hurt a living thing in any way.
Hurt me willingly and intentionally.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Besties
Have you ever met a person and thought, under different circumstances we could be good good friends. I have, a couple of times lately.
The first time was with Zeb's previous Principal. Right from the start we kind of got each other. I knew she understood where I was coming from, and she knew I knew where she was coming from. We both had the same agenda, we wanted what was best for Zeb, as far as education was concerned, and neither of us were willing to lower or expectations. We knew what had to be done, and were both willing to put in the time and energy to do it. I felt a real kinship with her.
If she had just been another mother, or maybe a neighbour we could have been close friends. I wish sometimes that that had been the case, that we had just met innocently and formed a friendship rather than had this parent administrator relationship, but I know that without her my first experiences in the public school world would have been very scary. I am grateful she was the one to hold my hand through the first couple of difficult years, and is still there if I ever have a question or concern and just need to bounce it off someone who knows a bit more, or has had a bit more experience than I have.
The second person I have felt this way about it my therapist.
Right from the very beginning I found her easy to talk to. I know, aren't they supposed to be easy to talk to, well yes, but it was so much easier than it had be other times I had seen therapists. She had a way about her that was easy, comfortable, and quite frankly just more friend like than therapist/client like.
Over the past year or so I have discovered so many similarities between the two of us, and I have looked forward to spending that hour sharing my day to day with her. I don't really see her as a therapist, she hardly ever gives me homework, or things to work on, she just mostly listens, tells things that are common with her, makes me feel heard. It's more like two friends having a heart to heart over tea, only she is getting paid and I am the only one really sharing my guts, yes she shares a bit but only enough to make sure I don't feel alone in things.
If I had met her in another way, I just know we would have been good friends.
It's so hard to make good friends the older we get I think. At least that has been my experience. People are either wrapped up in their families, or they are finished raising and are now onto me time or spouse time. Whatever the case, it's difficult.
My therapist told me today that we only have five sessions left. This information is not all that shocking, I knew we had to be close to the end, but the thoughts of not having that person every other week is a bit frightening. Before therapy life was isolating, I felt like I had no one on my side, except Damie and although that is great it gets a bit dull when they are the only ones you ever get to talk to heart to heart. I know that it's time, I'm ready to move past the therapy, I don't need it anymore, not that I really did I just needed someone to listen. So that's the scary part for me. I am ready to say adieu to therapy, but not to having someone really care about what I had to say, but I know I must.
I miss the days when I had heart to hearts with my best girlfriends, but those days I guess are gone once you reach my age. My life is full, I am surrounded by a wonderful family that loves me, and I am happy, it's just this one little thing. There really isn't anything like having that one person who, thinks of you when you haven't seen each other for a while, who can't wait to see you, and who really gets you....in a way only few do. Very special I must say!
I hope one day to discover it again....maybe when I am old and grey!
The first time was with Zeb's previous Principal. Right from the start we kind of got each other. I knew she understood where I was coming from, and she knew I knew where she was coming from. We both had the same agenda, we wanted what was best for Zeb, as far as education was concerned, and neither of us were willing to lower or expectations. We knew what had to be done, and were both willing to put in the time and energy to do it. I felt a real kinship with her.
If she had just been another mother, or maybe a neighbour we could have been close friends. I wish sometimes that that had been the case, that we had just met innocently and formed a friendship rather than had this parent administrator relationship, but I know that without her my first experiences in the public school world would have been very scary. I am grateful she was the one to hold my hand through the first couple of difficult years, and is still there if I ever have a question or concern and just need to bounce it off someone who knows a bit more, or has had a bit more experience than I have.
The second person I have felt this way about it my therapist.
Right from the very beginning I found her easy to talk to. I know, aren't they supposed to be easy to talk to, well yes, but it was so much easier than it had be other times I had seen therapists. She had a way about her that was easy, comfortable, and quite frankly just more friend like than therapist/client like.
Over the past year or so I have discovered so many similarities between the two of us, and I have looked forward to spending that hour sharing my day to day with her. I don't really see her as a therapist, she hardly ever gives me homework, or things to work on, she just mostly listens, tells things that are common with her, makes me feel heard. It's more like two friends having a heart to heart over tea, only she is getting paid and I am the only one really sharing my guts, yes she shares a bit but only enough to make sure I don't feel alone in things.
If I had met her in another way, I just know we would have been good friends.
It's so hard to make good friends the older we get I think. At least that has been my experience. People are either wrapped up in their families, or they are finished raising and are now onto me time or spouse time. Whatever the case, it's difficult.
My therapist told me today that we only have five sessions left. This information is not all that shocking, I knew we had to be close to the end, but the thoughts of not having that person every other week is a bit frightening. Before therapy life was isolating, I felt like I had no one on my side, except Damie and although that is great it gets a bit dull when they are the only ones you ever get to talk to heart to heart. I know that it's time, I'm ready to move past the therapy, I don't need it anymore, not that I really did I just needed someone to listen. So that's the scary part for me. I am ready to say adieu to therapy, but not to having someone really care about what I had to say, but I know I must.
I miss the days when I had heart to hearts with my best girlfriends, but those days I guess are gone once you reach my age. My life is full, I am surrounded by a wonderful family that loves me, and I am happy, it's just this one little thing. There really isn't anything like having that one person who, thinks of you when you haven't seen each other for a while, who can't wait to see you, and who really gets you....in a way only few do. Very special I must say!
I hope one day to discover it again....maybe when I am old and grey!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Thursday nights!
No world of lie, I hate taking my kid to dance class. I hate it so much, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.
You may be asking yourself, "why would she hate this activity so much, it's just dance class, it's just taking your kid to do something he loves to do, it innocent fun". There is nothing worse than dance class...for so many reasons.
I have to describe the building. You come in the front door, where you are greeted, well not always greeted, but the first Thursday of the month you are told "you must check in, YOU MUST ALWAYS CHECK IN" this is yelled to you as you enter because money is paid on the first of the month. Well not for me, we paid the whole miserable thing last month so I say, "I don't need to check in". As you walk past the front desk you walk down a hall. At the end of the hall you turn right to walk down a even longer hall and at the end of the hall is a room, where chairs are lining the walls, and there are toys...lots of toys. Zeb's dance room is off of this large room.
Whenever I enter this building I am hit, like a brick, with the smell of a combination of sweat, perfume, sugar, coffee, and sometimes, but not all the time popcorn. That smell follows you as you make your way down the first hall. You have to watch where you walk, as there are children, backpacks, toys, books, water jugs, cans of pop, coffee cups, coats, clothes, shoes, siblings and anything else one may think makes sense to bring to dance class. The walls are lined with chairs, there are people sitting on every third or forth chair, but all the chairs are taken with all those things listed that are also on the floor.
You never have a clear way to walk, as there is always, ALWAYS someones kids running down the hall screaming, or little toddlers walking, or various other family members of dancers playing games in the walk way. It is one major dangerous place to try to walk, even on the best of days.
I don't stay in the building long, just long enough for Zeb to get into his class and then I leave. I either sit in my car outside, or I do a couple of quick errands. This is not the place any normal person would want to hang out.
The parents there are just very unique. They bring every single child they have, even if they are 13 and can stay at home by themselves. They think that it's okay to let their badly behaved children run the hallways, break the toys, draw on the walls, kick the walls, bang all their toys on the walls, take up three chairs with all their crap, and eat everywhere. All over the floor you see spilled Cheerios's, juice boxes, candy, milk etc. It is one big sticky mess. The craziest thing about these parents is what they bring their kids to eat while they are taking there 3 or 4 dance classes that night.
All over the place you see girls mostly coming out of rooms to get a drink and a bit to eat. Their parents hand them water or juice and then they follow that up with sugar, or some sort of carb...like bagels or croissant rolls.....in fact this past week I watched a rather chunky girl (who I feel really bad for because I know if things don't change in her life really soon she will end up with weight issues her whole life) filling her face with a bag of croissant rolls just as I was standing there the 5 minutes while waiting on Zeb's class. This poor girl, who didn't need another carb, but sure could use some cut up veggies, didn't want to go to dance class after eating the bag away, by then she was tired and just wanted to stay on the floor. Her mother, not using her inside voice, loudly told her she had to get off the floor and get to class she was late.
I'm thinking, why do I come here every week. These people are crazy.
After waiting outside for the 45ish minutes I come in to get Zeb. This isn't nearly as bad as the drop off as I don't have to do much, just change his shoes, get his coat on and off we go.
Are all dance studio's like this, as I know we are in for a lifetime of dance classes, but I don't look forward to doing this every week.
You may be asking yourself, "why would she hate this activity so much, it's just dance class, it's just taking your kid to do something he loves to do, it innocent fun". There is nothing worse than dance class...for so many reasons.
I have to describe the building. You come in the front door, where you are greeted, well not always greeted, but the first Thursday of the month you are told "you must check in, YOU MUST ALWAYS CHECK IN" this is yelled to you as you enter because money is paid on the first of the month. Well not for me, we paid the whole miserable thing last month so I say, "I don't need to check in". As you walk past the front desk you walk down a hall. At the end of the hall you turn right to walk down a even longer hall and at the end of the hall is a room, where chairs are lining the walls, and there are toys...lots of toys. Zeb's dance room is off of this large room.
Whenever I enter this building I am hit, like a brick, with the smell of a combination of sweat, perfume, sugar, coffee, and sometimes, but not all the time popcorn. That smell follows you as you make your way down the first hall. You have to watch where you walk, as there are children, backpacks, toys, books, water jugs, cans of pop, coffee cups, coats, clothes, shoes, siblings and anything else one may think makes sense to bring to dance class. The walls are lined with chairs, there are people sitting on every third or forth chair, but all the chairs are taken with all those things listed that are also on the floor.
You never have a clear way to walk, as there is always, ALWAYS someones kids running down the hall screaming, or little toddlers walking, or various other family members of dancers playing games in the walk way. It is one major dangerous place to try to walk, even on the best of days.
I don't stay in the building long, just long enough for Zeb to get into his class and then I leave. I either sit in my car outside, or I do a couple of quick errands. This is not the place any normal person would want to hang out.
The parents there are just very unique. They bring every single child they have, even if they are 13 and can stay at home by themselves. They think that it's okay to let their badly behaved children run the hallways, break the toys, draw on the walls, kick the walls, bang all their toys on the walls, take up three chairs with all their crap, and eat everywhere. All over the floor you see spilled Cheerios's, juice boxes, candy, milk etc. It is one big sticky mess. The craziest thing about these parents is what they bring their kids to eat while they are taking there 3 or 4 dance classes that night.
All over the place you see girls mostly coming out of rooms to get a drink and a bit to eat. Their parents hand them water or juice and then they follow that up with sugar, or some sort of carb...like bagels or croissant rolls.....in fact this past week I watched a rather chunky girl (who I feel really bad for because I know if things don't change in her life really soon she will end up with weight issues her whole life) filling her face with a bag of croissant rolls just as I was standing there the 5 minutes while waiting on Zeb's class. This poor girl, who didn't need another carb, but sure could use some cut up veggies, didn't want to go to dance class after eating the bag away, by then she was tired and just wanted to stay on the floor. Her mother, not using her inside voice, loudly told her she had to get off the floor and get to class she was late.
I'm thinking, why do I come here every week. These people are crazy.
After waiting outside for the 45ish minutes I come in to get Zeb. This isn't nearly as bad as the drop off as I don't have to do much, just change his shoes, get his coat on and off we go.
Are all dance studio's like this, as I know we are in for a lifetime of dance classes, but I don't look forward to doing this every week.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Traditions
When Damie and I first moved to Canada we lived to a small town on the boarder of Ontario and New York. It was a nice place to live, and Damie worked in Buffalo....she shuffled down daily....well really she drove across the bridge but still shuffled down sounds like more fun doesn't it.
We spent 8 months there. Zeb was just a baby, and although we didn't do much we really loved our time there and have often thought we would love to move back to that area one day. This past week we made a trip back there, and it was loads of fun reliving our lives during those months. So much of it looked the same, yet different in some way. The feeling I had then came flooding back like I was right back there, it was a magical time for us. We were as poor as church mice but Zeb was learning to crawl, and then to walk three weeks later and those are the things we remember.
We made the move to Windsor, well actually LaSalle ON, to be closer to people we knew and be on the boarder so Damie could work. We missed having friends, and my best high school friend and her family lived here so we thought why not be closer to someone we know. We also felt that the opportunities for Damie to find a good job would be better in the greater Detroit area, than it was in the greater Buffalo area, and at first it was, until the economy took a giant nose dive (thanks President Bush, as it was 2007/8 when Damie lost her job and we sunk into the biggest whole you could imagine, Obama hadn't yet been elected. Not to get political, but people forget that fact for some reason). I regress, sorry.
Our lives, for the most part, were better than not in LaSalle. We started developing our lives, making traditions, becoming a stronger and stronger bonded family there. I have truly loved how we have grown together.
One of our traditions started 5 or 6 years ago. I was reading the local paper one day and I read a story about a man in LaSalle that had decided to do a Halloween light show to music at his house. The story told how he got the idea one day, researched the whole thing and had decided to give it a try. He was going to put off the show nightly, on the hour every night until Halloween. Well I decided to go, and take the family too.
We went on a Friday night, around 7:00. It was dark, but not too late for Zeb. We arrived to the house and found a sign outside telling us what FM station to tune our radio to, so we did. On the radio was a nice friendly voice welcoming us to the show and then telling us that it would start in a moment. It did start shortly after we arrived, and was Zeb hooked. I don't think he moved the whole 20 minutes the show went on. Damie and I were thrilled, it was fun and exciting and we all had such a wonderful time.
We went back a month or so later to see his Christmas show.
We have been every year since, for both the Halloween and Christmas shows, sometimes there has been rain, sometimes there has been snow on the ground, sometimes we can see well, sometimes we can't, but every single time we have all felt that it was the tradition that we enjoyed the most.
A couple of weeks ago we went by his house to watch the Halloween show. When we arrived there was no sign on the front lawn, no lights on the house or the trees, nothing!! Damie and I first thought maybe he had moved and we don't know where he went. I thought maybe he wasn't doing it anymore, which made us both sad....but then we decided that maybe he just wasn't doing it for the whole month of Oct, and that we should come back later in the month and look again. That's what we did.
This past Saturday we drove by the house on our way to picking up some pumpkins. It was during the day, but we thought we would drive by the house to see if the lights were up and the sign was on the front lawn. When we arrived there were lights, but Christmas ones, and no sign, however he was working outside so we parked the car and Damie went to talk to him.
We, of course, had never met the man who had built our family tradition, we certainly appreciated him from afar, but never actually laid eyes on the man. A couple of time we saw family members coming home from this or that while we were parked outside their house enjoying the show, but we never actually spoke to any of them. This was the very first time.
Damie came back to the car after a few minutes to tell me that he is not doing the Halloween show, and wasn't going to do the Christmas one but has just recently decided to do it. It seems that he lost his wife to pancreatic cancer in Feb and was not going to do the shows anymore.
Of course this broke my heart. I couldn't believe what Damie was telling me. I hurt for him, for his young children whom we have seen come home with great big hockey bags over their backs from time to time. How sad that has to be for all of them, and no, I don't think I could bring myself to go on with such a joyous Holiday offering. But he was going to do it.
Damie expressed her sympathy to him, told him how sad she was, and also how much these shows had meant to our family. She told him how much joy he has brought to us all of these years, and how much we look forward to his offerings every season. She suggested an offering cup, can or box to help with whatever cancer organization he preferred, but he didn't want to deal with money. He did ask that if we felt the need that donating to the hospital would make him happy, so there you have it. We can finally give back for all the years of being entertained, in his memory.
This is heartbreaking, why do such bad things happen to such good people. I know, we don't ask why good things happen, so we should not ask why bad does. I would ask that in his wife's memory that all who read this give of themselves, either with thought, work, or fortune. No matter what good is happening around us, there is always someone going through the worst life has to offer, and in small ways we can help, sometimes just with our thoughts.
Thank you light man for finding the strength to keep the tradition alive, even when you just didn't feel it. I hope by doing it, you start to mend.
We spent 8 months there. Zeb was just a baby, and although we didn't do much we really loved our time there and have often thought we would love to move back to that area one day. This past week we made a trip back there, and it was loads of fun reliving our lives during those months. So much of it looked the same, yet different in some way. The feeling I had then came flooding back like I was right back there, it was a magical time for us. We were as poor as church mice but Zeb was learning to crawl, and then to walk three weeks later and those are the things we remember.
We made the move to Windsor, well actually LaSalle ON, to be closer to people we knew and be on the boarder so Damie could work. We missed having friends, and my best high school friend and her family lived here so we thought why not be closer to someone we know. We also felt that the opportunities for Damie to find a good job would be better in the greater Detroit area, than it was in the greater Buffalo area, and at first it was, until the economy took a giant nose dive (thanks President Bush, as it was 2007/8 when Damie lost her job and we sunk into the biggest whole you could imagine, Obama hadn't yet been elected. Not to get political, but people forget that fact for some reason). I regress, sorry.
Our lives, for the most part, were better than not in LaSalle. We started developing our lives, making traditions, becoming a stronger and stronger bonded family there. I have truly loved how we have grown together.
One of our traditions started 5 or 6 years ago. I was reading the local paper one day and I read a story about a man in LaSalle that had decided to do a Halloween light show to music at his house. The story told how he got the idea one day, researched the whole thing and had decided to give it a try. He was going to put off the show nightly, on the hour every night until Halloween. Well I decided to go, and take the family too.
We went on a Friday night, around 7:00. It was dark, but not too late for Zeb. We arrived to the house and found a sign outside telling us what FM station to tune our radio to, so we did. On the radio was a nice friendly voice welcoming us to the show and then telling us that it would start in a moment. It did start shortly after we arrived, and was Zeb hooked. I don't think he moved the whole 20 minutes the show went on. Damie and I were thrilled, it was fun and exciting and we all had such a wonderful time.
We went back a month or so later to see his Christmas show.
We have been every year since, for both the Halloween and Christmas shows, sometimes there has been rain, sometimes there has been snow on the ground, sometimes we can see well, sometimes we can't, but every single time we have all felt that it was the tradition that we enjoyed the most.
A couple of weeks ago we went by his house to watch the Halloween show. When we arrived there was no sign on the front lawn, no lights on the house or the trees, nothing!! Damie and I first thought maybe he had moved and we don't know where he went. I thought maybe he wasn't doing it anymore, which made us both sad....but then we decided that maybe he just wasn't doing it for the whole month of Oct, and that we should come back later in the month and look again. That's what we did.
This past Saturday we drove by the house on our way to picking up some pumpkins. It was during the day, but we thought we would drive by the house to see if the lights were up and the sign was on the front lawn. When we arrived there were lights, but Christmas ones, and no sign, however he was working outside so we parked the car and Damie went to talk to him.
We, of course, had never met the man who had built our family tradition, we certainly appreciated him from afar, but never actually laid eyes on the man. A couple of time we saw family members coming home from this or that while we were parked outside their house enjoying the show, but we never actually spoke to any of them. This was the very first time.
Damie came back to the car after a few minutes to tell me that he is not doing the Halloween show, and wasn't going to do the Christmas one but has just recently decided to do it. It seems that he lost his wife to pancreatic cancer in Feb and was not going to do the shows anymore.
Of course this broke my heart. I couldn't believe what Damie was telling me. I hurt for him, for his young children whom we have seen come home with great big hockey bags over their backs from time to time. How sad that has to be for all of them, and no, I don't think I could bring myself to go on with such a joyous Holiday offering. But he was going to do it.
Damie expressed her sympathy to him, told him how sad she was, and also how much these shows had meant to our family. She told him how much joy he has brought to us all of these years, and how much we look forward to his offerings every season. She suggested an offering cup, can or box to help with whatever cancer organization he preferred, but he didn't want to deal with money. He did ask that if we felt the need that donating to the hospital would make him happy, so there you have it. We can finally give back for all the years of being entertained, in his memory.
This is heartbreaking, why do such bad things happen to such good people. I know, we don't ask why good things happen, so we should not ask why bad does. I would ask that in his wife's memory that all who read this give of themselves, either with thought, work, or fortune. No matter what good is happening around us, there is always someone going through the worst life has to offer, and in small ways we can help, sometimes just with our thoughts.
Thank you light man for finding the strength to keep the tradition alive, even when you just didn't feel it. I hope by doing it, you start to mend.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
New York state of mind!!
When Zeb was three Damie and I made our very first trip together to New York City. Damie had been before, actually she lived there for a short time, but it was my first ever trip. We were going for 3 days and I was over the moon about it. New York was one of my many dream cities to visit, and it was finally happening.
Those three days were blissful, to say the least. It rained one whole day but it didn't put a damper on my spirits, we had a great time despite the rain. We stayed at the Westin Hotel, right in the middle of time square, and on that rainy day they gave us free umbrella's. Cool right!!
It was an amazing trip, but there is one thing I remember well and that was a pair of shorts I had bought for the trip. They were very nice, but when I arrived in New York I discovered that they were a bit snugger than I had remembered when I tried them on a few weeks before. How could this be, well easy, I had gained weight once again and then had to endure two days in them, even if they were tight and uncomfortable. I did it, and after returning home the shorts went into the "too tight" tote and there they lived until two days ago.
I pulled out those "too tight' shorts a couple of days ago, and they were big. They have a two places on the waist that tighten and even with both tightened as far as they go I still have room. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.
Weight loss is a strange and wonderful thing. I try not to look at the scale, at least I don't look at it more than once a week, but it is much more powerful to discover something that never quite fit, fits so well it's like it was custom made for you. This has such a wonderful effect on the image you have of yourself. It just makes waking up so much more worth it.
For more years than not I have either gone to sleep or woke up or both with the same thoughts. How am I going to lose weight. This was something that took a hold of me and never let me go, until now. I can't tell you how many night, especially Sunday nights, falling asleep thinking about the new start that I was planning for the next day. I would tell myself, "tomorrow I am going to stick to these many calories, and this time I am going to do it until I have lost all the weight". This Sunday thinking has happened for most of my life, and even more so since Zeb was born.
Along with the nighttime thoughts come the morning thoughts. No matter how amazing your dream was the night before, there is this sinking feeling that takes over your mind moments after opening your eyes, when you remember you are fat and you still have not done anything about it. It grabs you like a bad case of food poising....not letting you go until it's had it's way with you. That dreadful feeling, in most cases filled my morning, and lots of times afternoons, until it was all I thought about. I couldn't rid myself of it, until now.
Now I don't think much about weight loss, it's happening. All I have to do now is stick to what they say, eat what I am supposed to eat and the rest will take care of itself. It is such a freeing feeling, it's a miracle.
Anyone who doesn't think losing weight via weight loss surgery is hard, well you should come live with me for a few days and just see how hard it is. It is no easy way out I can tell you that, I would have much rather done this without surgery, but that was just not possible for me, so there you have it. I have this miracle tool now that allows me to make the right choices and see the results quickly....which leads to doing the right thing over and over.....because you like how it all feels and how well you are doing.
I am so glad my New York shorts fit for now, and look forward to the day when I pass them on to someone else who needs them. It makes it all worth while.
Those three days were blissful, to say the least. It rained one whole day but it didn't put a damper on my spirits, we had a great time despite the rain. We stayed at the Westin Hotel, right in the middle of time square, and on that rainy day they gave us free umbrella's. Cool right!!
It was an amazing trip, but there is one thing I remember well and that was a pair of shorts I had bought for the trip. They were very nice, but when I arrived in New York I discovered that they were a bit snugger than I had remembered when I tried them on a few weeks before. How could this be, well easy, I had gained weight once again and then had to endure two days in them, even if they were tight and uncomfortable. I did it, and after returning home the shorts went into the "too tight" tote and there they lived until two days ago.
I pulled out those "too tight' shorts a couple of days ago, and they were big. They have a two places on the waist that tighten and even with both tightened as far as they go I still have room. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.
Weight loss is a strange and wonderful thing. I try not to look at the scale, at least I don't look at it more than once a week, but it is much more powerful to discover something that never quite fit, fits so well it's like it was custom made for you. This has such a wonderful effect on the image you have of yourself. It just makes waking up so much more worth it.
For more years than not I have either gone to sleep or woke up or both with the same thoughts. How am I going to lose weight. This was something that took a hold of me and never let me go, until now. I can't tell you how many night, especially Sunday nights, falling asleep thinking about the new start that I was planning for the next day. I would tell myself, "tomorrow I am going to stick to these many calories, and this time I am going to do it until I have lost all the weight". This Sunday thinking has happened for most of my life, and even more so since Zeb was born.
Along with the nighttime thoughts come the morning thoughts. No matter how amazing your dream was the night before, there is this sinking feeling that takes over your mind moments after opening your eyes, when you remember you are fat and you still have not done anything about it. It grabs you like a bad case of food poising....not letting you go until it's had it's way with you. That dreadful feeling, in most cases filled my morning, and lots of times afternoons, until it was all I thought about. I couldn't rid myself of it, until now.
Now I don't think much about weight loss, it's happening. All I have to do now is stick to what they say, eat what I am supposed to eat and the rest will take care of itself. It is such a freeing feeling, it's a miracle.
Anyone who doesn't think losing weight via weight loss surgery is hard, well you should come live with me for a few days and just see how hard it is. It is no easy way out I can tell you that, I would have much rather done this without surgery, but that was just not possible for me, so there you have it. I have this miracle tool now that allows me to make the right choices and see the results quickly....which leads to doing the right thing over and over.....because you like how it all feels and how well you are doing.
I am so glad my New York shorts fit for now, and look forward to the day when I pass them on to someone else who needs them. It makes it all worth while.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Respect your elders!
Some would look at me as their elder, my son, my son's friends, my cousins children, some neighbourhood kids, the kids at my son's school, and maybe even some grown people with children of their own. I am 45, middle aged for sure, and in a really real way and elder. Do I feel like an elder, NO! I feel like I am still in my 20's and just have this 7 yr old living in my house. I still have fun, I don't take too many things too seriously, and I don't think I am overly boring, but that I am sure would be up for debate in some circles. The fact remains, one must respect their elders, right?? This is something I heard all the time growing up, does anyone use that phrase today? Not to sure but the sentiment should still be in practice don't you think?
I don't use that with Zeb, I know I probably should but I mostly talk to him about showing respect to all people regardless of the age. I don't know, maybe elders should be on a higher plain or something, but I just feel we all are due respect as long as we have not done something to not be shown respect, but even then we treat people as we would like to be treated. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
These words echo in my head from time to time when I am thinking or dealing with some very difficult people in my life....and it's no surprise that most of the very difficult people are related to me. I try very hard to think about the fact that I need to respect my elders, but the fact is I just find it incredibly hard when they show me no respect in return, in fact they respect me so little that they feel it is okay to hurt me over and over with no apology.
Last night I received a call from someone who would fall in that respect my elders category. I did respect her, by hearing what she had to say, accepting her apology (which I only go because I stopped contact with her in Aug.) and asking that changes happen so as to fix the problem instead of just walking over the problem and walking down the same road until it happens again. I am tired of doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am tired.
She spent a whole 1.5 minutes asking about me, pretending to care, and then the next 20 on herself. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does matter. I respect her situation in life, and try to think of solutions to her problems, but it would be nice just once in a while to have some thought put into me, some real concern, but that is asking way to much from this narcissistic person. Their minds are on themselves and how they want things to be, and that's it. I have to accept it, but that is very difficult for me as I am the polar opposite from that. I want to hear about other's, I want to help where I can, I want to listen and be a support, not a drag on other's. It is hard for me to accept someone who has no idea how to really care, to really listen, to really support. To her support mean money, and that's it. It's very sad.
She wants me in her life, yet when I am there I am abused by her, and by those around her who feel like they can because she gives them permission. I want to respect her position in my life, and do what so many have said and that is "to respect my elders", but it's so hard when it comes at such a high cost to me. I am tired of being the scapegoat, I am tired of being accused of being the problem, I am tired of being thrown into the lions den every single chance she gets.
I am at a loss. I know that I should be there for her, I should be helping her, but I am afraid to do it. I have been pulled in so many times, just to be punched literally and figuratively over and over. I am at a total loss. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes knowing what the right thing is is very difficult!!
I don't use that with Zeb, I know I probably should but I mostly talk to him about showing respect to all people regardless of the age. I don't know, maybe elders should be on a higher plain or something, but I just feel we all are due respect as long as we have not done something to not be shown respect, but even then we treat people as we would like to be treated. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
These words echo in my head from time to time when I am thinking or dealing with some very difficult people in my life....and it's no surprise that most of the very difficult people are related to me. I try very hard to think about the fact that I need to respect my elders, but the fact is I just find it incredibly hard when they show me no respect in return, in fact they respect me so little that they feel it is okay to hurt me over and over with no apology.
Last night I received a call from someone who would fall in that respect my elders category. I did respect her, by hearing what she had to say, accepting her apology (which I only go because I stopped contact with her in Aug.) and asking that changes happen so as to fix the problem instead of just walking over the problem and walking down the same road until it happens again. I am tired of doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am tired.
She spent a whole 1.5 minutes asking about me, pretending to care, and then the next 20 on herself. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does matter. I respect her situation in life, and try to think of solutions to her problems, but it would be nice just once in a while to have some thought put into me, some real concern, but that is asking way to much from this narcissistic person. Their minds are on themselves and how they want things to be, and that's it. I have to accept it, but that is very difficult for me as I am the polar opposite from that. I want to hear about other's, I want to help where I can, I want to listen and be a support, not a drag on other's. It is hard for me to accept someone who has no idea how to really care, to really listen, to really support. To her support mean money, and that's it. It's very sad.
She wants me in her life, yet when I am there I am abused by her, and by those around her who feel like they can because she gives them permission. I want to respect her position in my life, and do what so many have said and that is "to respect my elders", but it's so hard when it comes at such a high cost to me. I am tired of being the scapegoat, I am tired of being accused of being the problem, I am tired of being thrown into the lions den every single chance she gets.
I am at a loss. I know that I should be there for her, I should be helping her, but I am afraid to do it. I have been pulled in so many times, just to be punched literally and figuratively over and over. I am at a total loss. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes knowing what the right thing is is very difficult!!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Day 21
Today is day 21 since my surgery. It's a beautiful Holiday Monday here, as it's Thanksgiving here in Canada. Today reminds me of the morning I had surgery, with the sun rising into a beautiful day!
Things have changed since surgery, things I am surprised about and things I am not surprised about.
The scale hasn't moved much since surgery, which surprises me. I am eating between 400 and 550 calories a day, and that is about it. I drink water, tea, a little juice, but I am not getting enough water in daily, but my energy levels are high and I am feeling really good.
I got it into my mind this week to ride my bike to my therapist appointment so I had to make the trip twice. The first time to see if I would have time to drop the kid off at school and then make the ride to the office, the second time to actually go to the appointment. It felt great to make the almost 12 km round trip. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't even out of surgery 3 weeks and doing so well.
It's a funny thing. For the past two years or so I couldn't do much. I could ride my bike, but it was hard. I couldn't go very far or very fast, and I was always out of breath. Now I can go almost 12 km and have more than enough energy to walk another 5 km that day....outstanding!!
I love walking, I have always done it. Years ago I used to walk with a group of wonderfully interesting women every morning. We talked about current events in both the world and our lives, sometimes we would laugh, sometimes we would cry, but it was always an hour of my life that I looked forward to. Most of those women are gone now, either by death or by moving far away, but I think about those years with great happiness. I continued to walk, but mostly at night after that. I missed not being able to walk these last few years, so now that I can do it again I just don't want to stop. I now know what a caged animal feels like. After being caged in my body that wouldn't function right for a few years, it is such a great escape to have my freedom back. I feel so good.
The scale may not have moved much as of yet, but I have lost 10.5 inches, and that is amazing to me. It feels good to be able to move easier. You can't know how amazing it feels to be able to wash yourself in the shower in a much easier way than you used to be able to do it, or the fact that I can get my arms behind my back to undo my bra without having to twist the bra around to undo it. The little things makes this all worth while.
The scale moved this morning, so I am hopeful that I will again start to lose the weight, but all I am going to do from here on is just pay close mindful attention to what I can do now, as compared to what I couldn't do before and rejoice in it.
When I was pregnant with Zeb for the 9 months my life was beyond happy. Nothing brought me down, nothing seemed to faze me one bit. I don't remember ever disagreeing with Damie once, or having a hard time with anything really. It was 9 of the most happiest months I have ever had. It feels just like that now. Nothing is negative, nothing makes me upset. I am loving every single minute of it, I just can't imagine being happier. Life really is good, and I am going to make sure I enjoy every single minute. No more wasting it!! Having this surgery was the best decision I ever made, for me it was a total life changer!!
Things have changed since surgery, things I am surprised about and things I am not surprised about.
The scale hasn't moved much since surgery, which surprises me. I am eating between 400 and 550 calories a day, and that is about it. I drink water, tea, a little juice, but I am not getting enough water in daily, but my energy levels are high and I am feeling really good.
I got it into my mind this week to ride my bike to my therapist appointment so I had to make the trip twice. The first time to see if I would have time to drop the kid off at school and then make the ride to the office, the second time to actually go to the appointment. It felt great to make the almost 12 km round trip. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't even out of surgery 3 weeks and doing so well.
It's a funny thing. For the past two years or so I couldn't do much. I could ride my bike, but it was hard. I couldn't go very far or very fast, and I was always out of breath. Now I can go almost 12 km and have more than enough energy to walk another 5 km that day....outstanding!!
I love walking, I have always done it. Years ago I used to walk with a group of wonderfully interesting women every morning. We talked about current events in both the world and our lives, sometimes we would laugh, sometimes we would cry, but it was always an hour of my life that I looked forward to. Most of those women are gone now, either by death or by moving far away, but I think about those years with great happiness. I continued to walk, but mostly at night after that. I missed not being able to walk these last few years, so now that I can do it again I just don't want to stop. I now know what a caged animal feels like. After being caged in my body that wouldn't function right for a few years, it is such a great escape to have my freedom back. I feel so good.
The scale may not have moved much as of yet, but I have lost 10.5 inches, and that is amazing to me. It feels good to be able to move easier. You can't know how amazing it feels to be able to wash yourself in the shower in a much easier way than you used to be able to do it, or the fact that I can get my arms behind my back to undo my bra without having to twist the bra around to undo it. The little things makes this all worth while.
The scale moved this morning, so I am hopeful that I will again start to lose the weight, but all I am going to do from here on is just pay close mindful attention to what I can do now, as compared to what I couldn't do before and rejoice in it.
When I was pregnant with Zeb for the 9 months my life was beyond happy. Nothing brought me down, nothing seemed to faze me one bit. I don't remember ever disagreeing with Damie once, or having a hard time with anything really. It was 9 of the most happiest months I have ever had. It feels just like that now. Nothing is negative, nothing makes me upset. I am loving every single minute of it, I just can't imagine being happier. Life really is good, and I am going to make sure I enjoy every single minute. No more wasting it!! Having this surgery was the best decision I ever made, for me it was a total life changer!!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sept. 17th
I'm back.
Okay, so I have been away from the blog for a while, but I promise that I had a pretty good reason.
This past Monday, like as in Sept. 17th I had gastric bypass surgery done. Yes, I know I didn't mention that I was having it, I sort of didn't really want to think about it. I had a really hard time with the whole concept of "I could do this to improve my health and outlook on life, but I could also die on the table". So, because of those thoughts and because it was summer and I didn't want to waste it worrying about surgery I sort of just put the whole thing out of my mind and rarely spoke of it to anyone, well except my therapist and Damie. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong, but it worked for me and for the most part I think it helped with prolonging the fear.
Two weeks before surgery you have to start what is called the optifast stage. This is a protein drink, that is used to shrink the liver. The liver, in laparoscopy surgery, is in between the view and the stomach for the surgeon so it is important to shrink it so it can easily be moved out of the way. The shakes are in two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I love chocolate, always have so I really thought that would be my favorite but it wasn't. I enjoyed the vanilla mainly because I could add so many different flavors to it daily it never got boring. You had to have 4 shakes a day, and the colder the better, otherwise they tasted disgusting. I would use an entire tray of ice cubes in the blender with each shake, so it really was like a thick shake you get from McDonald's. By the end of the two weeks I had had enough of them and was eager to get onto surgery so that I could at least have jello after it.
I had my surgery in Guelph Ontario. It's about 3.5 hrs away from here. My surgery was at 8 A.M Monday morning, which meant that we had to be at the hospital at 6:15 A.M, so we decided to go up the day before, enjoy the hotel pool, and then be at the hospital on time in the morning.
I was fine on the way up, not really nervous, I would describe it more like being a bit on edge. I was happy for the most part, but I would catch myself being a little short, especially when it came to Damie's driving, but hey I am always a little short with that.
When we arrived we settled into the hotel, got on our bathing suits and went to the pool. It was a salt water pool and hot tub, which was nice. All three of us enjoyed it, even though by the time we arrived at Guelph Zeb was feeling under the weather.
We noticed on the way there that he was running a bit of a fever. This scared me a little, as I didn't want to be in contact with some virus or something right before going under the knife. The poor little guys nose just kept running, and you could tell by the colour of his cheeks that he was not well. This kid, I might add, doesn't ever really let anything get him down, he wanted to go swimming and had a great time down at the pool.
When we were done swimming we all had showers and then Damie went to go get dinner. I was on shakes so that was going to be my dinner, but I was going to treat myself to a bit of chicken broth from Timmie's too. She came back with food for them, and my broth and we all settled down for dinner.
The clock was ticking, soon it was going to be bedtime and then I was going to be at the hospital. I was starting to get nervous. It's really a scary prospect having surgery, I don't care what kind you have, it's a bit nerve wracking.
I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and a calm came over me. I could feel it fill every fiber of by being. It was both a wonderful, and interesting feeling. One I have never had before. I fell back to sleep easily and didn't wake until two minutes before the alarm was to go off.
We arrived on time, all of us a bit tired but the adrenaline was keeping our eyes wide open. They had me go into a small curtained off area and undress, then Damie and Zeb joined me. The nurse came and took my vitals, talked to Damie about being in the waiting room and how they would contact her after the surgery was over, and then she gave me this shot in my arm. She told us they were running a bit late, so they weren't quite ready for me, so we all sat and waited.
It was my turn to go. Someone came down to wheel me to the OR. I said goodbye to Damie and Zeb and off I went. The woman who was pushing me had a mask over her face, but I could see a pair of very kind eyes paring out at me. She maneuvered that gurney like a pro, to which I said, "I think you have done this before". She laughed and responded with "I have done it for more than 20 years, I retired 6 years ago, but they can't seem to be able to live without me". I laughed and so did she, and by that time I was in the hall they wanted me in and she left me pushed against a large window.
A few people walked up and down the hall as I laid there watching the sun come up, but to tell you the truth I didn't notice much. I felt calm, happy and the sunrise was pretty amazing. There was warmth surrounding me, and it was then that I knew there were people there keeping me safe. I may have not been able to see them, but I sure could feel them. My surgeon finally came by, picked up my file, looked it over, and then said "you have the exact same birthday as I do, even the year! I have never operated on someone with the exact birthday as me before". We both found that interesting and then he walked away saying he would be ready for me in a few minutes.
You know another very strange thing happened regarding birthdays and my surgery date. When I called his office to book my surgery date, his secretary told me that the day I was having surgery was her daughters birthday, so she felt it would be a very good day. Isn't that amazing!!
Finally a nurse came to wheel me down to the OR but couldn't figure out how to move the gurney so she asked me if I would mind walking. I didn't, so off we went. When I entered the room there were two or three nurses milling about, and my anaesthesiologist was also there. He was busy when I entered, but soon after I layed down on the board he said hello and came over to me. He then explained what he was going to do, and asked if I had any questions, then they asked me to say my full name and then say what I was here to have done. He then froze my hand to insert my IV and that's all I remember until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was to be 3 hours, but they had told Damie that they are usually more like 2 so that was when she planned on coming back to the hospital. When her and Zeb got there I was not out of surgery yet so they just warmed a sit. An hour went by and Damie expected the surgeon to come by at any moment, but no, he didn't. Another half hour went by and Damie started to worry. Finally he came out and told her that it was more difficult that they had expected. Apparently I have a larger liver than most so because of that it limited his field of view, which meant that it took him longer. She was grateful it was over and then took Zeb back to the hotel until I came out of recovery.
She was in my room within minutes of be arriving. I was still a bit sleepy, but loved the idea of seeing them so I fought the sleep. Finally they entered and we greeted each other with big smiles, and hello's. I looked at Zeb and realized that he was scared (I had a nasal cannula like my dad did when he was in hospital this past Feb. and I could tell by the look on Zeb's face that he was thinking I was going to be just like my dad). I quickly said, "hey buddy, I'm just fine" and with that he settled down.
I don't remember much, mostly a nurse doing this and that, me in and out of sleep. Zeb and Damie had gone back to the hotel to let me rest. The only thing that I do remember is my mouth was so dry, and I couldn't have anything for 5 hours, and that my back killed. After about 3 hours I said to the nurses, "when can I get out of this thing" and she replied with "right now if that's what you want"!! I got up out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went for a walk down the hall. FREEDOM!!!
From that moment on I was pretty much on my own. I walked all the time, I waited until 5 hours was up so I could get a very small liquid med cup full of ice, which I was going to be allowed to have one an hour every hour until morning, when I would be given my first meal.
The first meal was this; 1/2 sugar free jello, 3/4 cup tea, 1/2 cup apple juice which I had to dilute with the same amount of water. It took me almost 1.5 hours but I ate it all. I drank water all the time, and I walked. I wasn't going to get a blood clot if my life depended on it.
By day two they had decided I was ready to go home, but I needed to wait until after dinner to do so. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock came. I wanted out of there. And just like clock work the meal came and so did the nurse to release me. FREEDOM!!
Since coming home I have felt great. I am hungry, which everyone told me I wouldn't be, but I am. I eat the same at home as I did in the hospital, and I drink water all day. I have been on clear fluids since coming home, and will be until next Monday when I get to move to full fluids. YEAH!!
I am realizing what hunger feels like, I haven't felt hungry for years now so this is interesting. I also feel full which is another great sensation. All the wonderful things I will learn now. I have 5 new scares on my stomach, where the laparoscopic tools went in, and my stomach is the size of an egg. Life sure can change in a week.
I have stuck to the walking, I have walked almost 5 km since coming home daily, except today because I had a lot of running around to do and I had to catch up on the ironing. But tomorrow for sure. Things are going great. I can already see a difference when I look in the mirror, and that makes it all the better. I tell you the very best thing about all of this is I haven't had to take any medication form diabetes since I started optifast....amazing!! That is really what all this is about for me, I don't care if I get skinny (but believe me that is a bonus for sure) what I care about is being healthy enough to see my son grow up graduate from University, get married and have my grandchildren....that's why I did this.
Okay, so I have been away from the blog for a while, but I promise that I had a pretty good reason.
This past Monday, like as in Sept. 17th I had gastric bypass surgery done. Yes, I know I didn't mention that I was having it, I sort of didn't really want to think about it. I had a really hard time with the whole concept of "I could do this to improve my health and outlook on life, but I could also die on the table". So, because of those thoughts and because it was summer and I didn't want to waste it worrying about surgery I sort of just put the whole thing out of my mind and rarely spoke of it to anyone, well except my therapist and Damie. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong, but it worked for me and for the most part I think it helped with prolonging the fear.
Two weeks before surgery you have to start what is called the optifast stage. This is a protein drink, that is used to shrink the liver. The liver, in laparoscopy surgery, is in between the view and the stomach for the surgeon so it is important to shrink it so it can easily be moved out of the way. The shakes are in two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I love chocolate, always have so I really thought that would be my favorite but it wasn't. I enjoyed the vanilla mainly because I could add so many different flavors to it daily it never got boring. You had to have 4 shakes a day, and the colder the better, otherwise they tasted disgusting. I would use an entire tray of ice cubes in the blender with each shake, so it really was like a thick shake you get from McDonald's. By the end of the two weeks I had had enough of them and was eager to get onto surgery so that I could at least have jello after it.
I had my surgery in Guelph Ontario. It's about 3.5 hrs away from here. My surgery was at 8 A.M Monday morning, which meant that we had to be at the hospital at 6:15 A.M, so we decided to go up the day before, enjoy the hotel pool, and then be at the hospital on time in the morning.
I was fine on the way up, not really nervous, I would describe it more like being a bit on edge. I was happy for the most part, but I would catch myself being a little short, especially when it came to Damie's driving, but hey I am always a little short with that.
When we arrived we settled into the hotel, got on our bathing suits and went to the pool. It was a salt water pool and hot tub, which was nice. All three of us enjoyed it, even though by the time we arrived at Guelph Zeb was feeling under the weather.
We noticed on the way there that he was running a bit of a fever. This scared me a little, as I didn't want to be in contact with some virus or something right before going under the knife. The poor little guys nose just kept running, and you could tell by the colour of his cheeks that he was not well. This kid, I might add, doesn't ever really let anything get him down, he wanted to go swimming and had a great time down at the pool.
When we were done swimming we all had showers and then Damie went to go get dinner. I was on shakes so that was going to be my dinner, but I was going to treat myself to a bit of chicken broth from Timmie's too. She came back with food for them, and my broth and we all settled down for dinner.
The clock was ticking, soon it was going to be bedtime and then I was going to be at the hospital. I was starting to get nervous. It's really a scary prospect having surgery, I don't care what kind you have, it's a bit nerve wracking.
I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and a calm came over me. I could feel it fill every fiber of by being. It was both a wonderful, and interesting feeling. One I have never had before. I fell back to sleep easily and didn't wake until two minutes before the alarm was to go off.
We arrived on time, all of us a bit tired but the adrenaline was keeping our eyes wide open. They had me go into a small curtained off area and undress, then Damie and Zeb joined me. The nurse came and took my vitals, talked to Damie about being in the waiting room and how they would contact her after the surgery was over, and then she gave me this shot in my arm. She told us they were running a bit late, so they weren't quite ready for me, so we all sat and waited.
It was my turn to go. Someone came down to wheel me to the OR. I said goodbye to Damie and Zeb and off I went. The woman who was pushing me had a mask over her face, but I could see a pair of very kind eyes paring out at me. She maneuvered that gurney like a pro, to which I said, "I think you have done this before". She laughed and responded with "I have done it for more than 20 years, I retired 6 years ago, but they can't seem to be able to live without me". I laughed and so did she, and by that time I was in the hall they wanted me in and she left me pushed against a large window.
A few people walked up and down the hall as I laid there watching the sun come up, but to tell you the truth I didn't notice much. I felt calm, happy and the sunrise was pretty amazing. There was warmth surrounding me, and it was then that I knew there were people there keeping me safe. I may have not been able to see them, but I sure could feel them. My surgeon finally came by, picked up my file, looked it over, and then said "you have the exact same birthday as I do, even the year! I have never operated on someone with the exact birthday as me before". We both found that interesting and then he walked away saying he would be ready for me in a few minutes.
You know another very strange thing happened regarding birthdays and my surgery date. When I called his office to book my surgery date, his secretary told me that the day I was having surgery was her daughters birthday, so she felt it would be a very good day. Isn't that amazing!!
Finally a nurse came to wheel me down to the OR but couldn't figure out how to move the gurney so she asked me if I would mind walking. I didn't, so off we went. When I entered the room there were two or three nurses milling about, and my anaesthesiologist was also there. He was busy when I entered, but soon after I layed down on the board he said hello and came over to me. He then explained what he was going to do, and asked if I had any questions, then they asked me to say my full name and then say what I was here to have done. He then froze my hand to insert my IV and that's all I remember until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was to be 3 hours, but they had told Damie that they are usually more like 2 so that was when she planned on coming back to the hospital. When her and Zeb got there I was not out of surgery yet so they just warmed a sit. An hour went by and Damie expected the surgeon to come by at any moment, but no, he didn't. Another half hour went by and Damie started to worry. Finally he came out and told her that it was more difficult that they had expected. Apparently I have a larger liver than most so because of that it limited his field of view, which meant that it took him longer. She was grateful it was over and then took Zeb back to the hotel until I came out of recovery.
She was in my room within minutes of be arriving. I was still a bit sleepy, but loved the idea of seeing them so I fought the sleep. Finally they entered and we greeted each other with big smiles, and hello's. I looked at Zeb and realized that he was scared (I had a nasal cannula like my dad did when he was in hospital this past Feb. and I could tell by the look on Zeb's face that he was thinking I was going to be just like my dad). I quickly said, "hey buddy, I'm just fine" and with that he settled down.
I don't remember much, mostly a nurse doing this and that, me in and out of sleep. Zeb and Damie had gone back to the hotel to let me rest. The only thing that I do remember is my mouth was so dry, and I couldn't have anything for 5 hours, and that my back killed. After about 3 hours I said to the nurses, "when can I get out of this thing" and she replied with "right now if that's what you want"!! I got up out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went for a walk down the hall. FREEDOM!!!
From that moment on I was pretty much on my own. I walked all the time, I waited until 5 hours was up so I could get a very small liquid med cup full of ice, which I was going to be allowed to have one an hour every hour until morning, when I would be given my first meal.
The first meal was this; 1/2 sugar free jello, 3/4 cup tea, 1/2 cup apple juice which I had to dilute with the same amount of water. It took me almost 1.5 hours but I ate it all. I drank water all the time, and I walked. I wasn't going to get a blood clot if my life depended on it.
By day two they had decided I was ready to go home, but I needed to wait until after dinner to do so. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock came. I wanted out of there. And just like clock work the meal came and so did the nurse to release me. FREEDOM!!
Since coming home I have felt great. I am hungry, which everyone told me I wouldn't be, but I am. I eat the same at home as I did in the hospital, and I drink water all day. I have been on clear fluids since coming home, and will be until next Monday when I get to move to full fluids. YEAH!!
I am realizing what hunger feels like, I haven't felt hungry for years now so this is interesting. I also feel full which is another great sensation. All the wonderful things I will learn now. I have 5 new scares on my stomach, where the laparoscopic tools went in, and my stomach is the size of an egg. Life sure can change in a week.
I have stuck to the walking, I have walked almost 5 km since coming home daily, except today because I had a lot of running around to do and I had to catch up on the ironing. But tomorrow for sure. Things are going great. I can already see a difference when I look in the mirror, and that makes it all the better. I tell you the very best thing about all of this is I haven't had to take any medication form diabetes since I started optifast....amazing!! That is really what all this is about for me, I don't care if I get skinny (but believe me that is a bonus for sure) what I care about is being healthy enough to see my son grow up graduate from University, get married and have my grandchildren....that's why I did this.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
"The Man"
When I was 12 my parents took me to Toronto for a few days before going to Montreal for a week. We stayed at my cousins apartment on Youge St, and let me tell you, I was like a kid in a candy store.
I had been to Toronto many times before this particular trip, I just think being 12, and knowing what all that brings, I was beyond excited about being in the big smoke.
We went to different things, Kensington Market, St. Lawrence Market, out to dinner at a couple of cool places like the Organ Grinder. But what I wanted to do was walk down Yonge Street all by myself and go to the most exciting store ever...."Sam The Record Man".
I left my parents at my cousins place one afternoon, went down the elevator, and onto Yonge Street all by myself. Boy was that exciting!! Down the street I walked, looking at the bum's sitting on the corners with their cups collecting money, hearing the noises of the traffic, it was so very exciting.
Soon I arrived at the big record store, it's store face resembling a record turning on a turn table. This was iconic, something I had only ever seen on TV. I was a little intimidated by the mere size of the store, but soon I became very comfortable.
The rows went on forever, there was a section for every single music type and I was amazed. I was in no hurry, so I went from one section to another, looking at this and that. The choices were so vast it was hard to decide what to take home, but finally after an hour or so I had settled on the album I was taking home. Okay, so my choice was that of a 12 yr old, but that should not take away from the sophistication of this iconic store.
With my album under my arm, I went out the front door and walk up the road to my cousins place, grinning from ear to ear.
Today, kids don't get to experience that excitement, that emotional feeling of walking into the biggest record store in the country and feeling like you are part of the "it" crowd. "Sam the Record Man" was one of those stores that shouted "Toronto" to anyone and everyone. Once you've been there, you were somewhere.
Sam "the Record Man" Sniderman passed away this past weekend. He will always be remembered by my generation as the "Man" when it comes to amazing record stores. I am glad I got to experience that when I was 12, I'm glad that he had a great vision and brought that, along with so many other things to the music industry here in Canada. He was one very cool cat!! Thanks Sam, you alone made this girl popular for a couple of hours when she was 12 and I thank you for that!!
I had been to Toronto many times before this particular trip, I just think being 12, and knowing what all that brings, I was beyond excited about being in the big smoke.
We went to different things, Kensington Market, St. Lawrence Market, out to dinner at a couple of cool places like the Organ Grinder. But what I wanted to do was walk down Yonge Street all by myself and go to the most exciting store ever...."Sam The Record Man".
I left my parents at my cousins place one afternoon, went down the elevator, and onto Yonge Street all by myself. Boy was that exciting!! Down the street I walked, looking at the bum's sitting on the corners with their cups collecting money, hearing the noises of the traffic, it was so very exciting.
Soon I arrived at the big record store, it's store face resembling a record turning on a turn table. This was iconic, something I had only ever seen on TV. I was a little intimidated by the mere size of the store, but soon I became very comfortable.
The rows went on forever, there was a section for every single music type and I was amazed. I was in no hurry, so I went from one section to another, looking at this and that. The choices were so vast it was hard to decide what to take home, but finally after an hour or so I had settled on the album I was taking home. Okay, so my choice was that of a 12 yr old, but that should not take away from the sophistication of this iconic store.
With my album under my arm, I went out the front door and walk up the road to my cousins place, grinning from ear to ear.
Today, kids don't get to experience that excitement, that emotional feeling of walking into the biggest record store in the country and feeling like you are part of the "it" crowd. "Sam the Record Man" was one of those stores that shouted "Toronto" to anyone and everyone. Once you've been there, you were somewhere.
Sam "the Record Man" Sniderman passed away this past weekend. He will always be remembered by my generation as the "Man" when it comes to amazing record stores. I am glad I got to experience that when I was 12, I'm glad that he had a great vision and brought that, along with so many other things to the music industry here in Canada. He was one very cool cat!! Thanks Sam, you alone made this girl popular for a couple of hours when she was 12 and I thank you for that!!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sunday!
There was a time in my life when all I saw was black, there was nothing that I felt was worth living for. To be in that kind of hole is very difficult to describe to one who has never been there. Some say feeling that way is selfish, that you should think of other's and how they would feel if you should end your life. Some think you should just be able to pick yourself up and move forward. And still some think that nothing is that bad. Unless you have been there, well, I just don't think you could ever understand. The whole thing is that you feel no one would miss you, so you really aren't thinking of other's. You think that what is happening will continue to happen and nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to change it or make it better. Picking yourself up is just not an option anymore, as there is not even the slightest glimmer of hope left to open your eyes to in the morning. There are things that bad, believe me.
When I was feeling this way, and I have to say it stayed a really long time, I gave myself deadlines. If this happens by this time I will put off offing myself for another week, or month, or two months. It was a game I played with myself, just to get to the next day, week, month, vacation, holiday, Friday! For some reason it worked out, and I never got to the point where I successfully offed myself, and what I have to say now is only by the Grace of God do I live and breath today, and I am forever grateful.
If I had offed myself, well I would never have met Damie. Life without her just wouldn't be the same, she is the other half of me, the part I missed for so many years before I ever laied eyes on her.
I would never have had Zeb, and boy that would have been unimaginable. Zeb has brought so many things to my life. More than I could have ever imagined before having him. Everyone says a child changes you, but I had no idea how much he would change me on the inside. Things that I thought would be broken forever were mended by his smile, his touch. I never thought I could be giving, and kind, and thoughtful, but he allowed me to be without question or criticism. I have learned through him that life is worth all the ups and downs, it's worth all the tears and hurts, it's worth it all. He has taught me that people really do love with their whole heart, and do it willingly. I will never be the same since knowing him, and for that I am truly grateful.
Life has it's ups and downs, it twists and turns, it's laughter's and it's tears. It is all worth it. I don't ever want it to end, but if it should I know I was loved, and I loved! What more is there?
When I was feeling this way, and I have to say it stayed a really long time, I gave myself deadlines. If this happens by this time I will put off offing myself for another week, or month, or two months. It was a game I played with myself, just to get to the next day, week, month, vacation, holiday, Friday! For some reason it worked out, and I never got to the point where I successfully offed myself, and what I have to say now is only by the Grace of God do I live and breath today, and I am forever grateful.
If I had offed myself, well I would never have met Damie. Life without her just wouldn't be the same, she is the other half of me, the part I missed for so many years before I ever laied eyes on her.
I would never have had Zeb, and boy that would have been unimaginable. Zeb has brought so many things to my life. More than I could have ever imagined before having him. Everyone says a child changes you, but I had no idea how much he would change me on the inside. Things that I thought would be broken forever were mended by his smile, his touch. I never thought I could be giving, and kind, and thoughtful, but he allowed me to be without question or criticism. I have learned through him that life is worth all the ups and downs, it's worth all the tears and hurts, it's worth it all. He has taught me that people really do love with their whole heart, and do it willingly. I will never be the same since knowing him, and for that I am truly grateful.
Life has it's ups and downs, it twists and turns, it's laughter's and it's tears. It is all worth it. I don't ever want it to end, but if it should I know I was loved, and I loved! What more is there?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Nightmares
Today was a boring rainy day here at my house. I didn't have much to do, other than the regular stuff like make meals and clean up after those meals and iron etc. but other than that it was pretty hum drum. Don't get me wrong those types of days are nice every once in a while, but today I just wanted to laugh and it just wasn't one of those days. This need to laugh lead me to thinking about some funny things I have been thinking about lately. One of those things was the time that Damie and I tried to get through the scariest haunted house I have ever been in.
In Niagara Falls there is this place called Nightmares fear factory. This place is beyond your wildest imagination when it comes to haunted houses. I have been in some really good ones in my time but this one freaked me out the moment I walked into the reception area.
When you walk in there is a place to buy your tickets. When we went there were two people working in there, and no one else in sight. Every so often we could hear people screaming in the distance and other noises, which as you can imagine scared us a bit. When you walk up to the booth to pay there is a big sign telling you who shouldn't go through this haunted house. People who have bad hearts, are pregnant or wish to one day become pregnant, people who have problems standing, sitting, kneeling, running, screaming, people who have a hard time catching their breath, people who one day want to see their grandchildren, people who have problems in close spaces, open spaces that are dark, very dark places, people who can't walk on unlevel ground, people who colour their hair, people who do not like to be scared, and people who think haunted houses are a good place to kill people!! Well maybe not all that, but it was still a bit alarming.
Damie is a scardy cat from way back. She hates all things scary, scary movies, scary stories, scary houses etc. The girl cries at the smallest of scary stuff. I have known her to cry just watching a commercial for a scary movie. So obviously getting her to buy a ticket and actually enter the factory was going to take some convincing.
It's not like I wasn't scared, I was, but I like that feeling. I am not one to do really dangerous things, and even less so since Zeb was born, but getting my pants scared off has always had this sadistic pleasing effect on me. Sure I scream and jump out of my skin, but the laughing fit that quickly follows is what I am addicted to. It's sort of like getting a tattoo, while you are getting it you are asking yourself why on earth, but that adrenaline rush after it's all done is what makes you want more. Scary stuff is my adrenaline rush.
I finally convince her that nothing will happen to her and that I will go first and hold her arm the whole time. She agrees, which completely shocked me. So off we went.
Just before going through the doors to the factory they explain to you that if you want to stop at any time all you have to do is yell nightmares as loud as you can and someone will come and let you out. I looked at Damie at this point and said, "please don't yell nightmares, it would be so embarrassing to have someone come and let us out". She agreed. We enter.
At first it's okay, you walk down a lit hallway to a case in the wall. Nothing much scary about that right. Well just as you are feeling like you can do this, what was all the hype about, the case crashes and the lights go out and you are completely in the dark. You then hear someone whisper, in what you think is your ear and they are apparently right beside you yet you feel around and no one is there, to follow the light. Yes there is this small light, more like a pin spot in the air that is obviously at the end of the room. We, me holding onto Damie's arm, we move slowly towards that light. I want to make sure that my footing is right before actually stepping down, just in case the floor should drop out or something. Damie's is terrified, whimpering as we slowly move forward. All I can think is I have to be strong or that girl is going to start screaming nightmares like her arm has just been amputated. Finally we make it to the end of the room and we see the next light.
This time the room is louder than the last, there seems to be people in it, but you can not only not see them but no matter how you feel around you can't touch them either. Every once in a while someone or something brushes your cheek or rubs your hair, but then it's gone as quick as it came. Every time this happens, Damie whimpers a little louder, but using stronger language every time. It starts out low, and then it begins to grow. I am scared crazy, but I can't let her know, otherwise that girl is going to scream nightmares and out we will go. I stand strong, move forward and whisper to her that everything is okay, "I'm right here and nothing is going to happen to us". It was my little mantra as we slowly moved towards the pin light. All of a sudden the floor creaks and bang, we drop a couple inches...well I don't have to tell you how loud we both screamed, I didn't know I could scream like that, but apparently when faced with incredible fear you do become a 7 yr old girl once again and you can scream in a way that it just makes you skin tighten.
We get to the end of the room and start across the next, only this time we make a turn and have to walk down stairs. Damie is having none of it. She starts to resist like a calf on a rope. No matter how much I push the more she plants her heals...and here we are, in the darkness and not moving an inch.
Now I have no idea what makes her think this is a good thing to do at this moment. All I can do is think about getting through this thing and going to get something to drink, my throat is as dry as sand. I ask her to please move forward, she doesn't say a thing, but I can't budge her. I try everything, until it occurs to me that she will move if she thinks moving is safer than staying...so I tell her "Damie, there is someone behind you" well that makes her move!!
We get down the stairs and around the corner and then you won't believe whats there. A small crawl space and the sound of a very loud, very close chain saw.
What these people wanted us to do was get down on our hands and knees and crawl through a small opening with a very angry chainsaw somewhere in the area. Can you believe that.
Well Damie was having none of it and before I could say a world that girl was screaming "Nightmares" like it was time for dinner. Before I knew it a door opened, we went out, and we were done.
Around the corner we went to the ticket area, we told them we did not make it, and they happily gave us our "Chicken out card" redeemable anytime.
We have not gone back to try it again, I will never get Damie to ever do it again. To this day if you even bring it up she starts to get that look of fear in her eyes and tells you in no uncertain terms that she will "NEVER DO THAT AWFUL THING AGAIN".
But did I laugh after we left and every time I think about it, or tell the story....and that's what it's all about!
This is another thing that makes me laugh out loud every single time I watch it!! Enjoy :)
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