Sunday!

There was a time in my life when all I saw was black, there was nothing that I felt was worth living for.  To be in that kind of hole is very difficult to describe to one who has never been there.  Some say feeling that way is selfish, that you should think of other's and how they would feel if you should end your life.  Some think you should just be able to pick yourself up and move forward.  And still some think that nothing is that bad.  Unless you have been there, well, I just don't think you could ever understand.  The whole thing is that you feel no one would miss you, so you really aren't thinking of other's.  You think that what is happening will continue to happen and nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to change it or make it better.  Picking yourself up is just not an option anymore, as there is not even the slightest glimmer of hope left to open your eyes to in the morning.  There are things that bad, believe me. 

When I was feeling this way, and I have to say it stayed a really long time, I gave myself deadlines.  If this happens by this time I will put off offing myself for another week, or month, or two months.  It was a game I played with myself, just to get to the next day, week, month, vacation, holiday, Friday!  For some reason it worked out, and I never got to the point where I successfully offed myself, and what I have to say now is only by the Grace of God do I live and breath today, and I am forever grateful.

If I had offed myself, well I would never have met Damie.  Life without her just wouldn't be the same, she is the other half of me, the part I missed for so many years before I ever laied eyes on her. 

I would never have had Zeb, and boy that would have been unimaginable.  Zeb has brought so many things to my life.  More than I could have ever imagined before having him.  Everyone says a child changes you, but I had no idea how much he would change me on the inside.  Things that I thought would be broken forever were mended by his smile, his touch.  I never thought I could be giving, and kind, and thoughtful, but he allowed me to be without question or criticism.  I have learned through him that life is worth all the ups and downs, it's worth all the tears and hurts, it's worth it all.  He has taught me that people really do love with their whole heart, and do it willingly.  I will never be the same since knowing him, and for that I am truly grateful.

Life has it's ups and downs, it twists and turns, it's laughter's and it's tears.  It is all worth it.  I don't ever want it to end, but if it should I know I was loved, and I loved!  What more is there?