We hear all the time that "karma's a bitch", I have said it, and I have hoped for it. I think that it is true, for the most part, that what goes around comes around. It doesn't always happen in a timely manner, it may not happen in our life time, but somewhere down deep inside I know it will one day happen. So how do you feel when it finally does, and you get to witness it?
I have been guilty, on more than one occasion, of rejoicing in someone elses tragedy. Yes, I am not perfect! I can honestly say that for the most part I treat people the way I wish to be treated, but I am guilty from time to time of treating other's they way they have treated me. How about you?
There has been a situation that has been going on in my life that has made me realize just how much I need to realize that no matter how I wrap it up, there is no excuse for what I have said and done.
Just so that you understand what I am talking about I will tell you this much. There was a person in my life that a few years ago hurt me, more than I can express. I have had a difficult time with it, and moving past it. Yes, I have thought all along about karma and that she will get hers but it didn't make me feel better. I didn't care really about how she was hurt by what she did, I just cared that she hurt me, until karma did come a bite her in the ass and then my thinking changed. I found out that her perfect world, the one she talked endlessly about, the one that she destroyed our friendship over, was falling apart. She had something happen in her life that brought her pain, sorrow and shame and when I heard about it I was happy!! Yes, happier then I would have thought I would be. I thought, "that's great, now she has finally gotten hers". I wanted to celebrate, to shout it from the mountain tops that I had witnessed karma in action. I wanted to rejoice in the fact that she was experiencing pain. I took that and I told other's about what had happened to her, I talked to other people who knew her and knew how much what was happening was a total reflection on her. I talked to people who barely knew her, I was happy to walk around, feeling proud in some way that I was vindicated, that retribution was granted me, and because of that I could then go and tell everyone what happened to her. For some crazy reason I thought that because she had hurt me, talked to other's about me, and rarely had anything good to say gave me licence to do the same to her. The pain she had caused me meant there were no holds bared, nothing was off limits and I had every right to rejoice in her misfortune. Isn't that how it is supposed to work, aren't we supposed to feel freed from all of it when we see them get theirs? I always thought so.
After spending the last month or so celebrating her difficult life circumstances, I realized that I was so off the mark it wasn't funny. I had no right to feel happy about this, I had no reason to think it was okay that bad things were happening to this person. I was ashamed at myself. I gave myself all these excuses to justify my bad behaviour but all in all that is exactly what it is... bad behaviour.
Karma may exist, I don't really know. If you wait long enough eventually something bad will happen to all people, is it karma? I don't think so. What I do know for sure is that two wrongs don't make a right.
We teach our children this lesson, "just because he hit you does not make it right that you hit him back". I have said something like that to Zeb so many times I have lost count. We teach our kids that what we really want them to do is turn the other cheek. We want them to learn that revenge is not for them to take, that taking the high road leads to better things. We teach them that doing something bad back to someone else just stoops to their level and that they are better than that. I didn't do that. I didn't turn the other cheek, I wanted revenge, I wanted her to suffer the way I had suffered.
In getting my retribution I sunk to a level I am more ashamed of than anything I have ever done in my life. What I did was go around and hurt another human being for no real reason. Yes I was hurt, but that is not an excuse. I not only hurt her, but I hurt other's along the way. By sharing her tragedy I also shared information about an innocent party that didn't deserve my revenge. What I essentially did was exactly what had been done to me, and that makes me so very ashamed of myself.
I have learned so much about myself in this, and that I have serious area's of improvement when it comes to being human. I think that I am a good person, someone who does not go around hurting people for pleasure, someone who is not really interested in gossip or sharing people's secrets. I am a person who is honorable, however in this situation I was not at all honorable.
My hope now is that this lesson has been learned. That I have realized that I am not on this earth to get "paid back" for the wrongs that have been done to me. I have learned that no one is perfect. I will get hurt! I will feel like I don't deserve it, but that they don't either.
People are mostly good. They do the very best they know how to do in most circumstances. Humans are capable of incredible love, and incredible evil, and sometimes even really good honorable people do things that they should not do, even if they think they deserve it. We can come up with a thousand reasons for treating people badly, but there is only one reason for treating someone with kindness, forgiveness and understanding and that is that we are here on earth to bring love, not hate!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
*"Give praise to the bridge that carried you over." George Colman.*
There is a blog I like to read, and the other day she wrote one regarding bridges. It got me thinking and I wanted to write my blog about my bridges.
*"Give praise to the bridge that carried you over." George Colman.*
My Grandmother on my fathers side was the first one in my life that carried me over. She was the first person that I felt loved by and who treated me with complete understanding. It was through her that I first recognized the need to be of service, to others and to yourself. She tirelessly followed the calls of need in her life, making the lives of those around her smoother. By watching how she gave of herself freely, never asking for anything in return, but getting so much more, I realized that it is not what we ask, but what we give that has more purpose. Her life was surrounded by true friends, people who she depended on and who depended on her. She taught me how to be a kind person, and how to be a true friend. She loved me unconditionally, and was not ever afraid to show me that love. I knew she would always want the very best for me, knowing that I was deserving and worthy. She was the first person who told me to rely only on myself, do wait for someone else to take care of you. Her live was an true example of female strength. She was tough, as well as soft, and she never took no for an answer when it was something that meant something to her. Her life represents freedom of choice to me.
I failed the third grade, mainly because I was being sexually abused and couldn't concentrate at school. The school was oblivious to what was happening to me so they felt that I was just not paying enough attention. For most of that year I spent it in the cloak room, listening to lessons through a tape recorder and ear phones. I was alone, afraid, and felt so ashamed of myself. The second year of grade two I was placed in a class where the teacher would be leaving at Christmas to go have a baby and would be replaced by a sub. That sub's name was Mrs. Humphrey's. She made me feel special, and always made a point of telling me I could do it. It was during that four months with her that I realized I was not stupid, which at the time had become my name at home. From the day I failed until my brother moved out five years later, he only referred to me as stup (short for stupid). Mrs. Humphrey's would let me sit next to her at the side of the room while she marked papers and talk to me really quietly. She would point out mistakes other students were making, which made me feel less alone in my mistakes. Her guidance allowed me to feel more confident, more sure of myself. I gained back so much of what I had lost the previous year, and began to feel better about school all together. She was very kind, and certainly didn't have to be, she just knew it was the right thing to do. I am not sure I would have ever pulled myself up if it weren't for her perseverance and kindness. I will always be grateful to her for being my bridge out of the hell that school had become.
I had a friend in grades 6 thru 8 grade who would be the bridge to something I had never had before. A true friendship. My friends name was Bonnie and we were good friends, but it was like any other friendship to me. One day I headed over to her house to see if she was interested in hanging out, but she wasn't home. Her sister was home and she suggested I hang out with her until Bonnie came back. I decided that since I had nothing better to do I would. Her name was Karen and she would become one of the closes friends I would ever have. She was fun, entertaining and had a real sparkle about her. I was drawn to her first because of her laughter, but I stayed drawn because she showed me how to not let anything stand in my way. She was born with only her two fingers on her right hand, her thumb and baby finger. She also had some other deformities at birth, clubbed feet and some other fingers had what looked like tight bands around them. I have just recently discovered that she actually had ABS (Amniotic Band Syndrome). Just because she had only two fingers it never stopped her from using that hand to write with, play the piano, or even type in high school. She never let any of that slow her down, in fact she actually felt she was lucky to have such a uniqueness. She taught me perseverance, which has stayed with me to this day. I don't give up on anything or anyone, and have even found myself saying in my head from time to time "Karen could do this with one hand tied behind her back so buck it and and just do it". She also taught me that friendship is worth fighting for, and that you stay in it to win it. She never gave up on me, and I never gave up on her, even though I think it was hard for both of us at times. She also taught me that with the right attitude you could get through anything. I don't think I could have made it without her. She is no longer with us, and I miss her greatly. She was a bridge I will never forget.
Pathfinders and junior choir would also turn out to be a bridge. Pathfinders (a level of guiding for ages 12-16) would prove to be a tremendous bridge for me. I found a kinship with so many who I crossed paths with during those years. Some would become lifelong friends, some would be friends for the moment, but all would change me in a way that nothing else has. Pathfinders brought me to someone who would eventually become one of my biggest fans, my sounding board, and my second mom. Mrs. Elizabeth Pearson was the person and she was a bridge for me in so many ways. Being a teenager is not easy, no matter how smooth your life is. I had additional difficulties with being a teenager, and she helped me through all of those difficult times. She showed me how to believe in myself, and to trust the belief others had in me when I couldn't do it for myself. She showed me what true fellowship was really about, and how much our peers can bring to the enjoyment of your life. It was through her that I began a lifetime love of singing, as she was the first to see promise in me. Her love for camping, and music stays with me to this day. Her opened door policy to me allowed me a safe place to fall, a honest hear to listen, and a warm hug to follow all those tears. There was never a time when she turned me away, and became someone I could truly count on and knew had my best interests at heart. Pathfinders also lead me to a person who would become my closest friend, my sister, who to this day has always been there. My friend Sheri. Junior choir brought to me the love of music, devotion, and togetherness. I built friendships that kept me strong. When my world was crashing in, those Thursday night choir practices brought light to what would otherwise be very dark times. It gave me an understanding of what my God was, and who I was to him. Thought the choir I became a member of even a bigger family, one that knew their God and loved me because of him. For me, that family gave me the crutches to hold myself up, when I no longer had the strength to do it myself. These things bridged those years so that I could live beyond the darkness and make it to brighter days.
My best friend Sheri. She has been my bridge in so many different ways in my life. Though her love and understanding, I was able to face my fears, talk about my demons and move towards a brighter tomorrow. She stood by me in times that I am not sure I could have stood by me. She was my biggest champion, and always, above all else wanted me to be all that she knew I could be. There were times in my life where I would have walked away, closed the door, and never looked back, but she was there right beside me, helping me push back all the brush so that I could see clearly. She taught me how to love with all my heart. She showed me what family is really all about, and how much you can actually look to them for support. She took me, a beaten down, sad person, and through love, showed me just how important I was. It was her desire to make the world a better place that I realized that my world could be better, it was all up to me how I made it. Today she is the first person, after Damie and Zeb that I want to talk to about all the good things going on, and all the bad stuff too. She is the person I know will never go away no matter what I do that would otherwise make anyone else go. She was the bridge that brought me from childhood to adulthood and everything since.
Damie, well she is my bridge to the world. When I met her my world opened up to great possibilities, ones I would have never thought possible. She opened my eyes to what the world had to offer, and that I could take as much as I wanted. Through her I was able to be my authentic self, to be truly honest with me and with those around me in a way that I had never allowed myself to do before. With her love I was able to imagine having my own family, children, and all that goes along with it. Her love for me surpasses anything that I could have ever imagined. I never thought I would find someone who, even though I give her so many reasons, loves me without condition or control. She asks nothing of me, but gives me so much my cup overflows. I have learned how to be patient, understanding, and warm. Her example of parenting has opened my eyes to what a true loving parent can really be, and how warmth and affection can feel when you open yourself up completely to your child. I have learned to be a better human, parent, partner, and friend from her. I have learned that I am not as damaged as I once thought I was, and that with true love you can conquer anything. Her love for life, sense of humor and dramatic style brings sunshine into my existence, and because of that I am able to stay out of the darkness more. She understands me in a way no one else has ever, and never questions me in a way that makes me feel self concious. With her I know that I can tell her everything and she will love me more, not less. I know through her I can be all that I can be, and she is there to help me along the way in any manner I need. She does not need to be my everything, my whole live, and with that I have learned that jealousy is not love. She is pleased when I sore, even if it means she may become a bit smaller during those times. It is with her encouragement that I am able to be who I need to be and not some picture of me that she has in her head. She never tries to change me, mold me, or lower me. The bridge she has built in my life is strong, forever growing, forever changing and forever lasting.
There are people who have also built bridges for me, even if they were not big players in my life. They were there to build the bridge to get me to this spot so that the bigger players would be there on the other side, so for them I am also grateful, even if they were not always kind.
Some people come into your life for moments, months, or years, but all of them make you who you are today. There are people, like my sons first pre-school teacher, who would be a quick close friend, but who left my life as fast as she came in. The bridge she build was strong and allowed me to over come my fear of letting Zeb out of my site. She built that first bridge of trust, when it came to school, and that not all people will hurt you kid when you are not there. Though her I was able to move past that fear and accept the good things that come from Zeb living his own separate life from me and that it is all okay. So for that I am forever grateful Wanda. You will never be forgotten.
There were people like my family doctor, who would become my friend during my twenties when I first started seeking help regarding my sexual abuse when I was a kid, and would later need help making through the death of my friend Karen. She stepped up, showed me compassion, love and understanding. She opened her life and her home to me, and surrounded me with love. I was able to come out of the very deep darkness that took me over for such a long time, and made me whole again. She was not there forever, but while she was there she worked miracles on me, so thank you Miriam Greenberg for all that you did to put all the pieces of me back together.
I now have an new doctor, who is also helping me put more pieces back. With her help I hope to allow myself to trust the outside world, and to trust my child will be safe in it. Through her I hope to see myself in a new light, and accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and to know the difference.
All of the bridges have played such an important part in my life, and I am grateful that I am here to tell about it!
*"Give praise to the bridge that carried you over." George Colman.*
My Grandmother on my fathers side was the first one in my life that carried me over. She was the first person that I felt loved by and who treated me with complete understanding. It was through her that I first recognized the need to be of service, to others and to yourself. She tirelessly followed the calls of need in her life, making the lives of those around her smoother. By watching how she gave of herself freely, never asking for anything in return, but getting so much more, I realized that it is not what we ask, but what we give that has more purpose. Her life was surrounded by true friends, people who she depended on and who depended on her. She taught me how to be a kind person, and how to be a true friend. She loved me unconditionally, and was not ever afraid to show me that love. I knew she would always want the very best for me, knowing that I was deserving and worthy. She was the first person who told me to rely only on myself, do wait for someone else to take care of you. Her live was an true example of female strength. She was tough, as well as soft, and she never took no for an answer when it was something that meant something to her. Her life represents freedom of choice to me.
I failed the third grade, mainly because I was being sexually abused and couldn't concentrate at school. The school was oblivious to what was happening to me so they felt that I was just not paying enough attention. For most of that year I spent it in the cloak room, listening to lessons through a tape recorder and ear phones. I was alone, afraid, and felt so ashamed of myself. The second year of grade two I was placed in a class where the teacher would be leaving at Christmas to go have a baby and would be replaced by a sub. That sub's name was Mrs. Humphrey's. She made me feel special, and always made a point of telling me I could do it. It was during that four months with her that I realized I was not stupid, which at the time had become my name at home. From the day I failed until my brother moved out five years later, he only referred to me as stup (short for stupid). Mrs. Humphrey's would let me sit next to her at the side of the room while she marked papers and talk to me really quietly. She would point out mistakes other students were making, which made me feel less alone in my mistakes. Her guidance allowed me to feel more confident, more sure of myself. I gained back so much of what I had lost the previous year, and began to feel better about school all together. She was very kind, and certainly didn't have to be, she just knew it was the right thing to do. I am not sure I would have ever pulled myself up if it weren't for her perseverance and kindness. I will always be grateful to her for being my bridge out of the hell that school had become.
I had a friend in grades 6 thru 8 grade who would be the bridge to something I had never had before. A true friendship. My friends name was Bonnie and we were good friends, but it was like any other friendship to me. One day I headed over to her house to see if she was interested in hanging out, but she wasn't home. Her sister was home and she suggested I hang out with her until Bonnie came back. I decided that since I had nothing better to do I would. Her name was Karen and she would become one of the closes friends I would ever have. She was fun, entertaining and had a real sparkle about her. I was drawn to her first because of her laughter, but I stayed drawn because she showed me how to not let anything stand in my way. She was born with only her two fingers on her right hand, her thumb and baby finger. She also had some other deformities at birth, clubbed feet and some other fingers had what looked like tight bands around them. I have just recently discovered that she actually had ABS (Amniotic Band Syndrome). Just because she had only two fingers it never stopped her from using that hand to write with, play the piano, or even type in high school. She never let any of that slow her down, in fact she actually felt she was lucky to have such a uniqueness. She taught me perseverance, which has stayed with me to this day. I don't give up on anything or anyone, and have even found myself saying in my head from time to time "Karen could do this with one hand tied behind her back so buck it and and just do it". She also taught me that friendship is worth fighting for, and that you stay in it to win it. She never gave up on me, and I never gave up on her, even though I think it was hard for both of us at times. She also taught me that with the right attitude you could get through anything. I don't think I could have made it without her. She is no longer with us, and I miss her greatly. She was a bridge I will never forget.
Pathfinders and junior choir would also turn out to be a bridge. Pathfinders (a level of guiding for ages 12-16) would prove to be a tremendous bridge for me. I found a kinship with so many who I crossed paths with during those years. Some would become lifelong friends, some would be friends for the moment, but all would change me in a way that nothing else has. Pathfinders brought me to someone who would eventually become one of my biggest fans, my sounding board, and my second mom. Mrs. Elizabeth Pearson was the person and she was a bridge for me in so many ways. Being a teenager is not easy, no matter how smooth your life is. I had additional difficulties with being a teenager, and she helped me through all of those difficult times. She showed me how to believe in myself, and to trust the belief others had in me when I couldn't do it for myself. She showed me what true fellowship was really about, and how much our peers can bring to the enjoyment of your life. It was through her that I began a lifetime love of singing, as she was the first to see promise in me. Her love for camping, and music stays with me to this day. Her opened door policy to me allowed me a safe place to fall, a honest hear to listen, and a warm hug to follow all those tears. There was never a time when she turned me away, and became someone I could truly count on and knew had my best interests at heart. Pathfinders also lead me to a person who would become my closest friend, my sister, who to this day has always been there. My friend Sheri. Junior choir brought to me the love of music, devotion, and togetherness. I built friendships that kept me strong. When my world was crashing in, those Thursday night choir practices brought light to what would otherwise be very dark times. It gave me an understanding of what my God was, and who I was to him. Thought the choir I became a member of even a bigger family, one that knew their God and loved me because of him. For me, that family gave me the crutches to hold myself up, when I no longer had the strength to do it myself. These things bridged those years so that I could live beyond the darkness and make it to brighter days.
My best friend Sheri. She has been my bridge in so many different ways in my life. Though her love and understanding, I was able to face my fears, talk about my demons and move towards a brighter tomorrow. She stood by me in times that I am not sure I could have stood by me. She was my biggest champion, and always, above all else wanted me to be all that she knew I could be. There were times in my life where I would have walked away, closed the door, and never looked back, but she was there right beside me, helping me push back all the brush so that I could see clearly. She taught me how to love with all my heart. She showed me what family is really all about, and how much you can actually look to them for support. She took me, a beaten down, sad person, and through love, showed me just how important I was. It was her desire to make the world a better place that I realized that my world could be better, it was all up to me how I made it. Today she is the first person, after Damie and Zeb that I want to talk to about all the good things going on, and all the bad stuff too. She is the person I know will never go away no matter what I do that would otherwise make anyone else go. She was the bridge that brought me from childhood to adulthood and everything since.
Damie, well she is my bridge to the world. When I met her my world opened up to great possibilities, ones I would have never thought possible. She opened my eyes to what the world had to offer, and that I could take as much as I wanted. Through her I was able to be my authentic self, to be truly honest with me and with those around me in a way that I had never allowed myself to do before. With her love I was able to imagine having my own family, children, and all that goes along with it. Her love for me surpasses anything that I could have ever imagined. I never thought I would find someone who, even though I give her so many reasons, loves me without condition or control. She asks nothing of me, but gives me so much my cup overflows. I have learned how to be patient, understanding, and warm. Her example of parenting has opened my eyes to what a true loving parent can really be, and how warmth and affection can feel when you open yourself up completely to your child. I have learned to be a better human, parent, partner, and friend from her. I have learned that I am not as damaged as I once thought I was, and that with true love you can conquer anything. Her love for life, sense of humor and dramatic style brings sunshine into my existence, and because of that I am able to stay out of the darkness more. She understands me in a way no one else has ever, and never questions me in a way that makes me feel self concious. With her I know that I can tell her everything and she will love me more, not less. I know through her I can be all that I can be, and she is there to help me along the way in any manner I need. She does not need to be my everything, my whole live, and with that I have learned that jealousy is not love. She is pleased when I sore, even if it means she may become a bit smaller during those times. It is with her encouragement that I am able to be who I need to be and not some picture of me that she has in her head. She never tries to change me, mold me, or lower me. The bridge she has built in my life is strong, forever growing, forever changing and forever lasting.
There are people who have also built bridges for me, even if they were not big players in my life. They were there to build the bridge to get me to this spot so that the bigger players would be there on the other side, so for them I am also grateful, even if they were not always kind.
Some people come into your life for moments, months, or years, but all of them make you who you are today. There are people, like my sons first pre-school teacher, who would be a quick close friend, but who left my life as fast as she came in. The bridge she build was strong and allowed me to over come my fear of letting Zeb out of my site. She built that first bridge of trust, when it came to school, and that not all people will hurt you kid when you are not there. Though her I was able to move past that fear and accept the good things that come from Zeb living his own separate life from me and that it is all okay. So for that I am forever grateful Wanda. You will never be forgotten.
There were people like my family doctor, who would become my friend during my twenties when I first started seeking help regarding my sexual abuse when I was a kid, and would later need help making through the death of my friend Karen. She stepped up, showed me compassion, love and understanding. She opened her life and her home to me, and surrounded me with love. I was able to come out of the very deep darkness that took me over for such a long time, and made me whole again. She was not there forever, but while she was there she worked miracles on me, so thank you Miriam Greenberg for all that you did to put all the pieces of me back together.
I now have an new doctor, who is also helping me put more pieces back. With her help I hope to allow myself to trust the outside world, and to trust my child will be safe in it. Through her I hope to see myself in a new light, and accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and to know the difference.
All of the bridges have played such an important part in my life, and I am grateful that I am here to tell about it!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It's hard to say goodbye!
The spring before Zeb was born, Damie and I were in Sam's Club shopping one day. We were spending lots of time looking at all the stuff, I can spend an entire afternoon in that store and buy nothing. I love walking around, tasting all the little samples they give you, and looking at all the *things* I could buy. I was pregnant, in my first trimester and everything sounded good to me.
We eventually found ourselves in the clothing section. I am not really one to buy myself things but they had these sweat shirts on sale. It was the end of the season, and it was Texas so they were really marked to clear and I couldn't resist. I picked up two, one in a nice blue colour and the other was a dark pink/burgundy, for 10 bucks how could you go wrong?
The sweat shirts went into the closet and stayed there until we moved to Canada, five months after Zeb was born.
That first winter we were living in the Niagara region. It is such a beautiful area, but I was unaware of how much snow they got, or I was just out of practice having lived in Houston Texas for almost 5 yrs.
Those two sweat shirts got me though all those cold days, and wintry nights.. I loved them so much, the more I wore them the better they felt. There warmth was just right, enough to keep me warm but not too much that I felt hot inside. They molded to my body after a while, like a nice worked in pair of leather gloves. They fit me to a T.
These sweat shirts have walked my baby with me, opened presents on Christmas morning with me, been the soft place my baby rested his head against just before sleep. I haven't been without these two comfortable friends for six years. They are like a nice pair of jeans that you have worn almost out, but feel so good on and just fit you right in all the right places.
Last year the pinkish/burgundy one started to really show it's age, so much so that Damie thought it might be a good idea to throw it out. I said no, not yet, I can't replace this kind of sweat shirt so I will just live with all the frayed edges and wear marks. She would smile every time I came out the bedroom with it on, seeing how much I loved it, but how badly it looked, but she never mentioned throwing them out again.
This year they have got me though many a difficult moment. They have keep me warm through the sickness of my dad, the stresses of Damie's job loss, the difficult times with Zeb and his ADHD. These two faithful sweat shirts have keep me safe and warm, and they have done a good job.
It is now time to say goodbye to one, although I hate to separate the two, only one has seen the end. It's difficult to say goodbye to such a faithful friend, but yet is must be.
I will miss you, but your job is done. You have done all that you were intended to do, and then some, and for that I will eternally grateful. You must go my friend, but you will never be forgotten.
I sure do hope I can find another one like that one someday!
We eventually found ourselves in the clothing section. I am not really one to buy myself things but they had these sweat shirts on sale. It was the end of the season, and it was Texas so they were really marked to clear and I couldn't resist. I picked up two, one in a nice blue colour and the other was a dark pink/burgundy, for 10 bucks how could you go wrong?
The sweat shirts went into the closet and stayed there until we moved to Canada, five months after Zeb was born.
That first winter we were living in the Niagara region. It is such a beautiful area, but I was unaware of how much snow they got, or I was just out of practice having lived in Houston Texas for almost 5 yrs.
Those two sweat shirts got me though all those cold days, and wintry nights.. I loved them so much, the more I wore them the better they felt. There warmth was just right, enough to keep me warm but not too much that I felt hot inside. They molded to my body after a while, like a nice worked in pair of leather gloves. They fit me to a T.
These sweat shirts have walked my baby with me, opened presents on Christmas morning with me, been the soft place my baby rested his head against just before sleep. I haven't been without these two comfortable friends for six years. They are like a nice pair of jeans that you have worn almost out, but feel so good on and just fit you right in all the right places.
Last year the pinkish/burgundy one started to really show it's age, so much so that Damie thought it might be a good idea to throw it out. I said no, not yet, I can't replace this kind of sweat shirt so I will just live with all the frayed edges and wear marks. She would smile every time I came out the bedroom with it on, seeing how much I loved it, but how badly it looked, but she never mentioned throwing them out again.
This year they have got me though many a difficult moment. They have keep me warm through the sickness of my dad, the stresses of Damie's job loss, the difficult times with Zeb and his ADHD. These two faithful sweat shirts have keep me safe and warm, and they have done a good job.
It is now time to say goodbye to one, although I hate to separate the two, only one has seen the end. It's difficult to say goodbye to such a faithful friend, but yet is must be.
I will miss you, but your job is done. You have done all that you were intended to do, and then some, and for that I will eternally grateful. You must go my friend, but you will never be forgotten.
I sure do hope I can find another one like that one someday!
Friday, February 17, 2012
The Kid
Okay, so I have the most amazing wonderful awesome kid. Well at least I think so and quite frankly that's all the matters.
The other night he was talking about his girlfriend. We asked him why it is that he always needs to have a girlfriend. We told him that he will spend enough of his life with girls and that maybe right now, when he is still young, he should just have fun and not worry so much about the girls. His reply was "but they are so beautiful, I can't stand it!" I am a little worried about what life will be like for us when he reaches puberty, UGG!!
This morning he was sitting at the table and he started to talk about drugs. Now this kid is 7, so I wouldn't think he would know anything about drugs, so we have never actually had a conversation about them with him. He said that there are good drugs and bad drugs and that he is never going to take any bad drugs ever. I asked him how he knows what are bad drugs as apposed to good drugs and he said bad drugs don't come from you doctor. I then asked him what he is supposed to do with the drugs he gets from the doctor and he said, "well mom, your supposed to take them like he tells you too". Duh!!!! I told him he was absolutely right and then just as I was going to ask him another question he said "and do you want to know what else I'm never going to do?" "What?" "I am never going to smoke!! There is something in them that is very bad and it's called nicotine. Nicotine makes you really sick and I don't ever want to get really sick!" I said to him that that sounded like a plan. I then asked him where he got all this information, and he said "school". It's good to know they are talking to these babies so early, I hope it all sinks in.
While Zeb was finishing his breakfast I mentioned that it was a friends birthday today. He immediately said, "can I call her and sing her happy birthday?" So we handed him the phone, gave him the number and let him go. He was so cute, when the phone was answered it was answered by my friends daughter. Zeb said "hi (girl), it's me Zeb, is your mom there?" When my friend got on the phone he wished her happy birthday and then he sang it. What a sweet kid. It's times like this that I actually admit he's mine.
I love that he wants to do these things, it's like the whole world is a stage and he is just here to use it.
It is these things that make me so proud of him. I love who he is growing up to be, and I hope he always stays like this.
The other night he was talking about his girlfriend. We asked him why it is that he always needs to have a girlfriend. We told him that he will spend enough of his life with girls and that maybe right now, when he is still young, he should just have fun and not worry so much about the girls. His reply was "but they are so beautiful, I can't stand it!" I am a little worried about what life will be like for us when he reaches puberty, UGG!!
This morning he was sitting at the table and he started to talk about drugs. Now this kid is 7, so I wouldn't think he would know anything about drugs, so we have never actually had a conversation about them with him. He said that there are good drugs and bad drugs and that he is never going to take any bad drugs ever. I asked him how he knows what are bad drugs as apposed to good drugs and he said bad drugs don't come from you doctor. I then asked him what he is supposed to do with the drugs he gets from the doctor and he said, "well mom, your supposed to take them like he tells you too". Duh!!!! I told him he was absolutely right and then just as I was going to ask him another question he said "and do you want to know what else I'm never going to do?" "What?" "I am never going to smoke!! There is something in them that is very bad and it's called nicotine. Nicotine makes you really sick and I don't ever want to get really sick!" I said to him that that sounded like a plan. I then asked him where he got all this information, and he said "school". It's good to know they are talking to these babies so early, I hope it all sinks in.
While Zeb was finishing his breakfast I mentioned that it was a friends birthday today. He immediately said, "can I call her and sing her happy birthday?" So we handed him the phone, gave him the number and let him go. He was so cute, when the phone was answered it was answered by my friends daughter. Zeb said "hi (girl), it's me Zeb, is your mom there?" When my friend got on the phone he wished her happy birthday and then he sang it. What a sweet kid. It's times like this that I actually admit he's mine.
I love that he wants to do these things, it's like the whole world is a stage and he is just here to use it.
It is these things that make me so proud of him. I love who he is growing up to be, and I hope he always stays like this.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Day 38
Today is day 38 or a 39 day experiment.
I decided over the Christmas break that I wanted to take a break from facebook, extensive computer time (blogging and reading news only, and that was only once a day) and limiting my television watching time. Today is day 38 and this is what I have learned.
What have I learned from these 38 days.
One, turning out the noise makes it easier to think. I was spending so much time filling my head with noise there wasn't much room left for thought. I enjoy thinking, and have discovered it is much better than all the noise that was once there.
Two, I think I may be just a little too sensitive for facebook. I am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I don't always take things well, and sometimes even take thinks badly. Eg. When I see friends plan things on facebook and I am not included it hurts my feelings. I never knew I was unique in this, but apparently this is something most do not have a problem with. Also, I get very annoyed with people how use facebook to tease. It drives me crazy to have someone put some cryptic message on their status and then wait for those reading it to pull whatever it is they are talking about out of them. I have a real problem with that type of behaviour. I just find it to be a attention getting is such a negative way. I have concluded that I can go on facebook to check in with people, as there are many I enjoy hearing about and sharing things with, but I can't use is as "real". I have to take it all with a little grain of salt.
Three, that my kid is pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I have spent these days playing with him, really listening to him and what he has to say, and enjoying him in a way that all the noise prevented me from doing. I enjoy my time with him, and need to do it more.
I love blogging. I love that there are people all over the world reading what I write ever day, and I love writing. This has been a great way to spend the days without all the other stuff. I did not succeed at doing it daily, but when I had something to say I did. Even if no one read it, I would do it anyway, and will. I need to do it now, so it is something I am going to keep.
And finally I think the most important thing I have learned is that there is so much more time in the day to get things done when you don't fill it up with all this stuff. We (Damie and I ) have done alot of the painting we have been putting off. We cook really good meals, that take time to prepare but are so worth it in the healthy department. Damie has decided that we all need to give up everything in a package, we are not there yet, but I hope to one day be there.
I am learning so many things about myself, and doing this experiment has been very valuable. I also learned that when you take away the email and facebook interactions there isn't much left. We are moving in the wrong direction, and soon we will forget how it is to actually have real conversations with people. I have to wonder what the world will be like for our kids, knowing how much of our daily lives revolve around contacting others via Internet/text. Will they know how to have meaningful conversations? I don't know, but I sure hope not.
I decided over the Christmas break that I wanted to take a break from facebook, extensive computer time (blogging and reading news only, and that was only once a day) and limiting my television watching time. Today is day 38 and this is what I have learned.
What have I learned from these 38 days.
One, turning out the noise makes it easier to think. I was spending so much time filling my head with noise there wasn't much room left for thought. I enjoy thinking, and have discovered it is much better than all the noise that was once there.
Two, I think I may be just a little too sensitive for facebook. I am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I don't always take things well, and sometimes even take thinks badly. Eg. When I see friends plan things on facebook and I am not included it hurts my feelings. I never knew I was unique in this, but apparently this is something most do not have a problem with. Also, I get very annoyed with people how use facebook to tease. It drives me crazy to have someone put some cryptic message on their status and then wait for those reading it to pull whatever it is they are talking about out of them. I have a real problem with that type of behaviour. I just find it to be a attention getting is such a negative way. I have concluded that I can go on facebook to check in with people, as there are many I enjoy hearing about and sharing things with, but I can't use is as "real". I have to take it all with a little grain of salt.
Three, that my kid is pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I have spent these days playing with him, really listening to him and what he has to say, and enjoying him in a way that all the noise prevented me from doing. I enjoy my time with him, and need to do it more.
I love blogging. I love that there are people all over the world reading what I write ever day, and I love writing. This has been a great way to spend the days without all the other stuff. I did not succeed at doing it daily, but when I had something to say I did. Even if no one read it, I would do it anyway, and will. I need to do it now, so it is something I am going to keep.
And finally I think the most important thing I have learned is that there is so much more time in the day to get things done when you don't fill it up with all this stuff. We (Damie and I ) have done alot of the painting we have been putting off. We cook really good meals, that take time to prepare but are so worth it in the healthy department. Damie has decided that we all need to give up everything in a package, we are not there yet, but I hope to one day be there.
I am learning so many things about myself, and doing this experiment has been very valuable. I also learned that when you take away the email and facebook interactions there isn't much left. We are moving in the wrong direction, and soon we will forget how it is to actually have real conversations with people. I have to wonder what the world will be like for our kids, knowing how much of our daily lives revolve around contacting others via Internet/text. Will they know how to have meaningful conversations? I don't know, but I sure hope not.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Not another one!
I think for the past few days I have been in shock, and very sad.
I didn't know Whitney Houston, she was a famous person who sang songs, nothing more to me than that. She was a peer, in that we are very close in age and my young adulthood happened as she became a star, but nothing more than that. Her songs were magical to me, so much so that I sang one of hers at my high schools "spring fling" when I was in grade 12, but nothing more than that. Why is it, since she was nothing more than any other singer on the radio, do I feel such a loss.
Yesterday, I broke down. I had been holding in my sadness since the minute I read that she had died, and finally yesterday I allowed myself to actually feel it. I have no idea why I cried, I just did. I have never felt so badly about a famous persons death before. I have never shed a tear for anyone else famous, why her.
I have given this alot of thought over the last few days, and what I have come up with is this. Whitney Houston's death is a symbol of what is happening in our world today, and it needs to be fixed.
On Sunday night I heard all those people, through song and prayer, say they loved her. I felt the pain in that room, but yet I kept thinking there is something missing here. Where were you all when she was struggling? Where were you all when she needed your help, your hand, your shoulder, your acceptance. Seems to me they were all sitting back watching the train wreck. We did too. We sat and watched the entertainment shows talk endlessly about her bouts with this drug or that drug. We bought up all the papers that told us all about her marriage problems, drug hazes, and rehab stints. We lusted after all the bad news we could get of her, and snicker on the couch, while we thought "what a crazy bitch she is". You know you did it. You know we all did it.
So many times we watch the train wrecks in our own lives happen and just keep our positions as bystanders. We don't step in, that would be getting to involved. We don't put that much time in, not more than we have to. We are all so wrapped up in our day to day that we don't look, really look, at one another. We don't want to listen, that means I would have to be involved so don't tell me anything I don't really want to hear. We need light, no complications, as our lives are complicated enough.
I didn't know Whitney Houston, she was a famous person who sang songs, nothing more to me than that. She was a peer, in that we are very close in age and my young adulthood happened as she became a star, but nothing more than that. Her songs were magical to me, so much so that I sang one of hers at my high schools "spring fling" when I was in grade 12, but nothing more than that. Why is it, since she was nothing more than any other singer on the radio, do I feel such a loss.
Yesterday, I broke down. I had been holding in my sadness since the minute I read that she had died, and finally yesterday I allowed myself to actually feel it. I have no idea why I cried, I just did. I have never felt so badly about a famous persons death before. I have never shed a tear for anyone else famous, why her.
I have given this alot of thought over the last few days, and what I have come up with is this. Whitney Houston's death is a symbol of what is happening in our world today, and it needs to be fixed.
On Sunday night I heard all those people, through song and prayer, say they loved her. I felt the pain in that room, but yet I kept thinking there is something missing here. Where were you all when she was struggling? Where were you all when she needed your help, your hand, your shoulder, your acceptance. Seems to me they were all sitting back watching the train wreck. We did too. We sat and watched the entertainment shows talk endlessly about her bouts with this drug or that drug. We bought up all the papers that told us all about her marriage problems, drug hazes, and rehab stints. We lusted after all the bad news we could get of her, and snicker on the couch, while we thought "what a crazy bitch she is". You know you did it. You know we all did it.
So many times we watch the train wrecks in our own lives happen and just keep our positions as bystanders. We don't step in, that would be getting to involved. We don't put that much time in, not more than we have to. We are all so wrapped up in our day to day that we don't look, really look, at one another. We don't want to listen, that means I would have to be involved so don't tell me anything I don't really want to hear. We need light, no complications, as our lives are complicated enough.
You hear the word Xanax all the time. "Oh, I was heading out to the mall in the middle of the Christmas frenzy and I had to take a Xanax" like it is some sort of candy we just pop to raise our spirits. I can't cope with this in my life, but this pill, or that pill, or these pills help me get through it. I need something to just take the edge off, and this little white pill does the trick. You know you've heard it, I bet so much so that you don't even notice it anymore. It is something regularly said on the television, in interviews, in magazines stories. It's everywhere.
Why can't we cope today? Why is that we rely on so many different things to get by? I do it, you do it, we all do it. Just a little glass of wine when I get home from work, it helps me relax. I just need it to get by. Why?
I don't want to live with blinders on any more. I am worth more than that, and so are the ones in my life. I don't want to sit back passively and watch the train wreck as it roars down the track. We need to stop it before it crashes. I want to help before it goes up in flames. I need people in my life that won't just buy the rag magazine of my life to get the juicy details.
We failed her, all those people there on Sunday night failed her, Bobby Brown failed her, and most importantly she failed herself. I wish we could have heard just one person say, she is going down and someone needs to throw her a lifeline before she drowns. I wish people would stop it when they have someone on the phone who they can barely understand, instead of just keeping the recording. I wish someone would notice all those pill bottles before they are empty.
I wish we didn't lose people like Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Elvis, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, Judy Garland, and Marilyn Monroe. I wish we didn't lose all those who you have lost to these terrible addictions. Life is so short as it is, we need to find a way to hold onto them, and not let them fall. God gives you and gift, and your gift back to him is what you do with it!
I truly hope now she finds peace, and that now she can just sing!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
February 14th is such a commercialized day that it is almost shameful that we take part in it. I think, why do we do this, all we do is make some companies more money and really, why? Damie and I don't actually take part, never have. We have specially days, times and dinners all the time, no one needs to tell us that we need to do this or else we don't really love each other. I tell Damie in so many ways every single day how much she is loved, and she does the same for me. We believe love is a verb, so for the most part it is shown in our actions, but today I will share them in words.
I found my perfect match on June 19th, 2001. We meet in a small chat room located on MSM. It was a woman's only chat room, and I was in there bitching about something or other and she was watching what I was writing and was laughing at me. At some point during my rant she messaged me and introduced herself. Her chat room name was actorgirl22 (oh god I can't believe I remember that).
That night we had a long conversation about almost everything, and that conversation has not stopped yet. She was not exactly what I was looking for, 10 yrs younger than me, living in the US, a Texan, an actor, and the list goes on. I am sure I was not someone she went into that room to find, or happen on, but hey she messaged me right!
Aug. 2, 2001 I moved to the fine state of Texas, sight unseen. Having never met her before I was taking the biggest chance of my life. Yes I was afraid, yes she could have been a serial killer, no I didn't know what she really looked like other than the picture I had seen online, no I had absolutely no clue if she would actually be at the airport to meet me, YES I DID HAVE A RETURN TICKET!
She was there to meet me, and she has been there ever since.
She is my perfect match, my other half, but holds all of my heart. Yes, there are times when I wonder, why am I with her and what was I thinking, but those fly out of my head as fast as they come in. She is the first person to actually get me, to understand where I come from, how I tick. She doesn't care if I don't always make sense, or that I can be over sensitive at times. She doesn't care if I am a neat freak and freak on her head about being such a slob. She does most of the driving which I love, I enjoy riding down the road talking and not having to sit behind the wheel. She wakes up most mornings to make us all breakfast, letting me sleep until just before it's ready, even on the weekends. She holds her own in debates, and is always making me think. She never says she has had enough, even when I know she was at enough an hour ago. She likes my cooking, or at least doesn't complain. She is the best mom I have ever witnessed and teaches me something new everyday. She works hard to take care of us, and make sure we have a roof over our heads. She is happy living in my home country, and has made it hers without complaint. She thinks I am funny, and laughs at my jokes (I am not funny so this is an amazing feat). She is the person I can't wait to see walk in the door at night, and whom I never run out of things to talk about. She would never hold me back, make me small, or not want what I want. She is generous with her time, her talents, and especially with her heart. All of these things shows me how much she loves me, a card could never say it better.
I couldn't imagine my life without her.
I tell her this everyday, not always in words but in actions. I found her in a chat room when I wasn't even looking, and if that isn't enough to prove it was meant to be I don't know what is.
I found my perfect match on June 19th, 2001. We meet in a small chat room located on MSM. It was a woman's only chat room, and I was in there bitching about something or other and she was watching what I was writing and was laughing at me. At some point during my rant she messaged me and introduced herself. Her chat room name was actorgirl22 (oh god I can't believe I remember that).
That night we had a long conversation about almost everything, and that conversation has not stopped yet. She was not exactly what I was looking for, 10 yrs younger than me, living in the US, a Texan, an actor, and the list goes on. I am sure I was not someone she went into that room to find, or happen on, but hey she messaged me right!
Aug. 2, 2001 I moved to the fine state of Texas, sight unseen. Having never met her before I was taking the biggest chance of my life. Yes I was afraid, yes she could have been a serial killer, no I didn't know what she really looked like other than the picture I had seen online, no I had absolutely no clue if she would actually be at the airport to meet me, YES I DID HAVE A RETURN TICKET!
She was there to meet me, and she has been there ever since.
She is my perfect match, my other half, but holds all of my heart. Yes, there are times when I wonder, why am I with her and what was I thinking, but those fly out of my head as fast as they come in. She is the first person to actually get me, to understand where I come from, how I tick. She doesn't care if I don't always make sense, or that I can be over sensitive at times. She doesn't care if I am a neat freak and freak on her head about being such a slob. She does most of the driving which I love, I enjoy riding down the road talking and not having to sit behind the wheel. She wakes up most mornings to make us all breakfast, letting me sleep until just before it's ready, even on the weekends. She holds her own in debates, and is always making me think. She never says she has had enough, even when I know she was at enough an hour ago. She likes my cooking, or at least doesn't complain. She is the best mom I have ever witnessed and teaches me something new everyday. She works hard to take care of us, and make sure we have a roof over our heads. She is happy living in my home country, and has made it hers without complaint. She thinks I am funny, and laughs at my jokes (I am not funny so this is an amazing feat). She is the person I can't wait to see walk in the door at night, and whom I never run out of things to talk about. She would never hold me back, make me small, or not want what I want. She is generous with her time, her talents, and especially with her heart. All of these things shows me how much she loves me, a card could never say it better.
I couldn't imagine my life without her.
I tell her this everyday, not always in words but in actions. I found her in a chat room when I wasn't even looking, and if that isn't enough to prove it was meant to be I don't know what is.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
There is a new show on TLC (The Learning Channel) called my 600 lb life. Each week we watch the story of one of four people who start off being over 600 lbs, have gastric bypass surgery in the effort to achieve their goal weight. These are extremely high risk surgeries, and the long term success rate is very low. We follow each person from surgery to present day, which results in 7 years of their life.
So far there have been two episodes and I have watched them both.
The first episode involved a young woman named Melissa. She was well over 600 lbs, and lost just over 400 once it was all said and done. This lady not only had to go thought the original bypass surgery, but then had to endure several surgeries to remove excess skin. Each surgery lowered her weight, but put her back in danger of infection and other complications. She did have a major infection at one point and was hospitalized for a long time. She was able to almost meet her goal weight, but more importantly she lost enough weight that she was able to have a baby, which was what she wanted even more than losing the weight.
The second episode involved a young man named Donald. He was well over 600 lbs when he has surgery, and was doing fine until he came down with an illness that attacked his immune system. This put him in hospital for more than a year, until he was moved home when the insurance company threatened to move him to a nursing home. He went down to 200 lbs while in the hospital, but after returning home each year following he gained a 100 lbs. At the end of the episode he was back up to over 400 lbs, could not walk and was living with his parents.
This show is very powerful, especially for those who are like me and are considering gastric bypass. I think that these examples are extreme, but none the less they show exactly what to expect from this surgery and also what could happen.
After watching the two episodes I have discovered two very important things that I need to make sure are in place before I ever undergo this surgery.
The first thing is that you have to have the family you live with on board 100%. If this is not the case than they will not totally support you which inevitably make the process harder, or stop it all together. In both episodes there were family members who were not with them 100%. With Melissa, her husband did not change his eating habits, and ate things around her that she could not eat. Fighting a craving is one thing, but having that temptation right under your nose is another. He did not support it all 100% even though he kept saying he did over and over. In Donald's case, his mother started feeding Donald fast food while he was sick in the hospital. She kept saying that he just needed to get some weight on and he would be fine, hence the 100 lbs weight gain every year after. Also, after Donald came home he stopped trying to walk, and they did nothing to help he get motivated to do the work. It was quite evident that his family, well at least his mom, was not ready to give up the role in her sons life that she had had for most of it.
The second overwhelming message from these two episodes for me is to have some really good therapy in place before and after surgery. I mean someone who can listen and guide through the process, but also deal with the thoughts you have about yourself that came from long before you ever started gaining that weight. It was very obvious that neither Melissa or Donald had a good sense of who they were. Even after getting their weight under control they still fought with the self image problems, their self esteem, and most importantly they both felt being abused was normal. Donald's mother abused her son with food, and he didn't even see it. I don't think she even saw what she was doing, she was just doing what she had always done. Some people in your life have roles, and these roles fulfill things in their lives that is missing. They do not want to give up those roles, and will fight the process tooth and nail. In Melissa's case she just sat back and took it when her husband would contact other women ever single time she would go have another surgery to improve her process. She just came back for more, and more and more. She even had a child with the man that was cheating on her. I am sure her whole life she had been abused, and abuse had just become so normal for her she thinks that's all she deserves.
I think this show is a great example for those of us who are interested in getting down to our goal weight using the tool of gastric bypass. I think is shows you the process very well, but I think they did these people a disservice by not providing psychological care following the surgery. I don't care how much you weight, or how much you need to get off, there is a reason for you weight gain, and unless you work on why you got there, you will get there again. Sure there are those people who might have been thin all their life until they started to have kids and after each baby they gained another 40 or 50 lbs until they were out of control, but there is still a reason they started to abuse food. Having someone help you understand your relationship with food, as well as help you work on all the psychological changes that are going to happen during the weight loss process is imperative.
Over the course of the last few years I have met lots of people who are on track to have the surgery, or have had the surgery. I can tell you there are people I have met who should never be considered for this surgery, as they are not psychologically ready. There is this belief that this surgery will fix everything that is wrong with your life, but it is only going to get the weight off. There are so many example's of people after getting the surgery who then turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, and the list goes on to fill the whole the food has left, with therapy, that whole will be understood and taken care of without continuing to hurt yourself.
Knowing who you are and why you are the way you are is so important when it comes to altering your entire life. I know that threw my therapy I am learning why I do the things I do, why I think the way I do, why things hurt me they way they do, and what to do to make those things better. The process is long, and it takes a great deal of work, but I will be damned if I change my body forever and don't get a handle on why I was there to begin with. To think that getting to goal weight is going to fix you, you are so wrong.
This show tells one side of the story, but leaves the bigger problem there. I am glad this show is on the air, and I think that anyone watching it that maybe considering the surgery should watch it and really ask yourself, do I really have everything in the right place to be successful. Don't change yourself forever without real help, and that goes beyond a surgeon or a social worker.
So far there have been two episodes and I have watched them both.
The first episode involved a young woman named Melissa. She was well over 600 lbs, and lost just over 400 once it was all said and done. This lady not only had to go thought the original bypass surgery, but then had to endure several surgeries to remove excess skin. Each surgery lowered her weight, but put her back in danger of infection and other complications. She did have a major infection at one point and was hospitalized for a long time. She was able to almost meet her goal weight, but more importantly she lost enough weight that she was able to have a baby, which was what she wanted even more than losing the weight.
The second episode involved a young man named Donald. He was well over 600 lbs when he has surgery, and was doing fine until he came down with an illness that attacked his immune system. This put him in hospital for more than a year, until he was moved home when the insurance company threatened to move him to a nursing home. He went down to 200 lbs while in the hospital, but after returning home each year following he gained a 100 lbs. At the end of the episode he was back up to over 400 lbs, could not walk and was living with his parents.
This show is very powerful, especially for those who are like me and are considering gastric bypass. I think that these examples are extreme, but none the less they show exactly what to expect from this surgery and also what could happen.
After watching the two episodes I have discovered two very important things that I need to make sure are in place before I ever undergo this surgery.
The first thing is that you have to have the family you live with on board 100%. If this is not the case than they will not totally support you which inevitably make the process harder, or stop it all together. In both episodes there were family members who were not with them 100%. With Melissa, her husband did not change his eating habits, and ate things around her that she could not eat. Fighting a craving is one thing, but having that temptation right under your nose is another. He did not support it all 100% even though he kept saying he did over and over. In Donald's case, his mother started feeding Donald fast food while he was sick in the hospital. She kept saying that he just needed to get some weight on and he would be fine, hence the 100 lbs weight gain every year after. Also, after Donald came home he stopped trying to walk, and they did nothing to help he get motivated to do the work. It was quite evident that his family, well at least his mom, was not ready to give up the role in her sons life that she had had for most of it.
The second overwhelming message from these two episodes for me is to have some really good therapy in place before and after surgery. I mean someone who can listen and guide through the process, but also deal with the thoughts you have about yourself that came from long before you ever started gaining that weight. It was very obvious that neither Melissa or Donald had a good sense of who they were. Even after getting their weight under control they still fought with the self image problems, their self esteem, and most importantly they both felt being abused was normal. Donald's mother abused her son with food, and he didn't even see it. I don't think she even saw what she was doing, she was just doing what she had always done. Some people in your life have roles, and these roles fulfill things in their lives that is missing. They do not want to give up those roles, and will fight the process tooth and nail. In Melissa's case she just sat back and took it when her husband would contact other women ever single time she would go have another surgery to improve her process. She just came back for more, and more and more. She even had a child with the man that was cheating on her. I am sure her whole life she had been abused, and abuse had just become so normal for her she thinks that's all she deserves.
I think this show is a great example for those of us who are interested in getting down to our goal weight using the tool of gastric bypass. I think is shows you the process very well, but I think they did these people a disservice by not providing psychological care following the surgery. I don't care how much you weight, or how much you need to get off, there is a reason for you weight gain, and unless you work on why you got there, you will get there again. Sure there are those people who might have been thin all their life until they started to have kids and after each baby they gained another 40 or 50 lbs until they were out of control, but there is still a reason they started to abuse food. Having someone help you understand your relationship with food, as well as help you work on all the psychological changes that are going to happen during the weight loss process is imperative.
Over the course of the last few years I have met lots of people who are on track to have the surgery, or have had the surgery. I can tell you there are people I have met who should never be considered for this surgery, as they are not psychologically ready. There is this belief that this surgery will fix everything that is wrong with your life, but it is only going to get the weight off. There are so many example's of people after getting the surgery who then turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, and the list goes on to fill the whole the food has left, with therapy, that whole will be understood and taken care of without continuing to hurt yourself.
Knowing who you are and why you are the way you are is so important when it comes to altering your entire life. I know that threw my therapy I am learning why I do the things I do, why I think the way I do, why things hurt me they way they do, and what to do to make those things better. The process is long, and it takes a great deal of work, but I will be damned if I change my body forever and don't get a handle on why I was there to begin with. To think that getting to goal weight is going to fix you, you are so wrong.
This show tells one side of the story, but leaves the bigger problem there. I am glad this show is on the air, and I think that anyone watching it that maybe considering the surgery should watch it and really ask yourself, do I really have everything in the right place to be successful. Don't change yourself forever without real help, and that goes beyond a surgeon or a social worker.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Last night it was storming here. We haven't seen this much snow since sometime in February 2010, so it was kind of exciting. I had an appointment late in the day in the city and since it was a day off for Zeb we decided we would all go. The plan was to get to the appointment, hang around a bit and then have dinner and come home. The snow was just starting when we left but we didn't give it much thought. By the time we were heading home it was coming down pretty good. We live in the middle of no where. Well, we actually live in a very small hamlet on the shores of Lake Erie, and getting to our little community means taking various back roads. None of the roads we needed to travel had been touched by a plow or even salt for that matter, so the going was slow. I think I was driving Damie crazy with my passenger seat driving. She was nervous, I don't know why these people from Texas don't get how to drive in snow heehee! I know she was white knuckling it, because I know I was. Boy, I used to live in the snow belt where this amount of snow wasn't even noticed, but I have certainly got out of the habit. I can say that by the time we got home, neither Damie or I had any nails left!!
After getting Zeb to bed, which was no easy feat due to the fact that he had been rewarded with a new skylander for having such a wonderful week at school, Damie and I were getting ready to relax and enjoy a little TV. It was almost nine o'clock and I was looking around for something to watch when a movie caught my eye.
I am a chick flick, drama kind of girl. Sometimes if the cast is good I will watch a slap sticky movie, but for the most part it is chick flicks. Not tonight.
I have to start by saying that this is not the kind of film I would ever really choose, but this one sounded like it had a good cast and the story sounding compelling. Usually when I come across a movie I have never heard of, which happens often because we don't watch commercials here and never know what is out, coming out, or has been out, I go to the computer and read reviews. Not this time and am I kicking myself for it. I am totally scarred by this movie. All I can hope for at this point is that the images in my head go away someday! I can't remember being this scarred since seeing "The Strangers". The movie was called "The Killer Inside Me" and I have to say, don't do it if you haven't already!!
The cast was Casey Affleck, which I have to say I don't know much about so seeing something with him in it appealed to me. Kate Hudson, who is usually good in everything I have seen, and Jessica Alba.
This movie is extremely violent, and the violence against women is beyond anything that should ever be put on film. I actually can't believe any woman with any morals would ever agree to do such a film. I think that any man who would be interested in telling this story has to have a real problem with women, and anyone man who would choose to do such a film as the lead has to have a few screws loose. I guess that is why Casey Affleck is the lead. He doesn't have much of a name, none in fact if weren't for his older brother. I guess the thinking in all three cases is, I take the money and damn the message. Personally, I couldn't do anything like this and feel good about it. If my kids couldn't watch it, even when age appropriate, and no age is appropriate with this one, I just couldn't do it.
Honestly, it surprises me to no end that anyone would think for one minute that any group of people would be interested in supporting such a depiction of this story. There are just things that are better not seen. I really hope this is not the trend in violence, since we have become immune to the amount of violence we have been seeing in movies. This tops all that I have ever seen. I never ever want to become numb to this sort of violence, and would have a problem with anyone who could watch this film and not feel completely outraged.
I will say that the acting in this film was very good. Casey Affleck created a character that was true, and mesmerising. If it weren't for the brutality, this thing actually could have had some legs. It it so shocking and so disturbing it is impossible to watch. The story was intelligently written, and the beauty of the scenes were compelling, but the total abuse on women was more than I could stand.
It seemed very telling to me that the viewers were involved in all of the violence involving women, so much so that you have to look away or else you will become ill, however, for the most part, any involving men were left off screen. Even when it came to the final demise of the lead it was all left to our imagination. This tells me that the director of this film has a really big problem with women, and that is actually the story he wanted to tell.
Do you self a favor, and don't see this movie ever. You are not missing anything, in fact what you are missing is terrible images that you are going to have a hard time shaking if you do see it.
After getting Zeb to bed, which was no easy feat due to the fact that he had been rewarded with a new skylander for having such a wonderful week at school, Damie and I were getting ready to relax and enjoy a little TV. It was almost nine o'clock and I was looking around for something to watch when a movie caught my eye.
I am a chick flick, drama kind of girl. Sometimes if the cast is good I will watch a slap sticky movie, but for the most part it is chick flicks. Not tonight.
I have to start by saying that this is not the kind of film I would ever really choose, but this one sounded like it had a good cast and the story sounding compelling. Usually when I come across a movie I have never heard of, which happens often because we don't watch commercials here and never know what is out, coming out, or has been out, I go to the computer and read reviews. Not this time and am I kicking myself for it. I am totally scarred by this movie. All I can hope for at this point is that the images in my head go away someday! I can't remember being this scarred since seeing "The Strangers". The movie was called "The Killer Inside Me" and I have to say, don't do it if you haven't already!!
The cast was Casey Affleck, which I have to say I don't know much about so seeing something with him in it appealed to me. Kate Hudson, who is usually good in everything I have seen, and Jessica Alba.
This movie is extremely violent, and the violence against women is beyond anything that should ever be put on film. I actually can't believe any woman with any morals would ever agree to do such a film. I think that any man who would be interested in telling this story has to have a real problem with women, and anyone man who would choose to do such a film as the lead has to have a few screws loose. I guess that is why Casey Affleck is the lead. He doesn't have much of a name, none in fact if weren't for his older brother. I guess the thinking in all three cases is, I take the money and damn the message. Personally, I couldn't do anything like this and feel good about it. If my kids couldn't watch it, even when age appropriate, and no age is appropriate with this one, I just couldn't do it.
Honestly, it surprises me to no end that anyone would think for one minute that any group of people would be interested in supporting such a depiction of this story. There are just things that are better not seen. I really hope this is not the trend in violence, since we have become immune to the amount of violence we have been seeing in movies. This tops all that I have ever seen. I never ever want to become numb to this sort of violence, and would have a problem with anyone who could watch this film and not feel completely outraged.
I will say that the acting in this film was very good. Casey Affleck created a character that was true, and mesmerising. If it weren't for the brutality, this thing actually could have had some legs. It it so shocking and so disturbing it is impossible to watch. The story was intelligently written, and the beauty of the scenes were compelling, but the total abuse on women was more than I could stand.
It seemed very telling to me that the viewers were involved in all of the violence involving women, so much so that you have to look away or else you will become ill, however, for the most part, any involving men were left off screen. Even when it came to the final demise of the lead it was all left to our imagination. This tells me that the director of this film has a really big problem with women, and that is actually the story he wanted to tell.
Do you self a favor, and don't see this movie ever. You are not missing anything, in fact what you are missing is terrible images that you are going to have a hard time shaking if you do see it.
Friday, February 10, 2012
I need to remember to comb my hair in the morning!
After Zeb left for school yesterday, Damie and I were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying one more cup of tea. It's so quiet after he is off to school, the house seems deafening quiet. I am not complaining mind you, I love the quiet that follows the chaos.
Getting Zeb off to school is no small feet. If you are a parent I am sure you know all too well. Zeb is not exactly a great eater. Actually, if he could live on cookies he would be great. The medication he takes makes his appetite very small, if there is one at all, so we have to work really hard to get him to eat. This is made even more difficult in the mornings as he is not one of those people who really likes to eat when they first get up. Most mornings we have to resort to dragging him out of his bed, so that makes having a leisurely meal impossible. He usually has just enough time to get something in his mouth and then dressed and groomed, so no, he can't sit around for a half hour before he wants to start eating. When he does make it to the kitchen to eat his breakfast it is a non stop recording of, "come on Zeb eat" or "Zeb you are not eating, come on you are running out of time". That is on repeat for 20 minutes until he has to go get dressed and washed to head out to the bus stop. The whole time this is going on he is chatting up a storm, the dog is going crazy and we are trying to eat our breakfast. It's usually quite crazy and quite loud, but as soon as he puts that first foot on the bus our lives become very peaceful.
I had just got up from the table to get something when I noticed that there was a SUV parked on our street in kind of a strange way. I told Damie about it, and she got up to take a look as well. We just decided they must have been visiting the neighbour and went back to our tea and forgot about it. A few minutes later the door bell rang, and our peaceful morning was interrupted.
The dog hates the doorbell, she goes out of her skin in craze. We never had a doorbell until we moved here, so this thing that goes off is just beyond understanding for our less than intelligent Goldendoodle.
Damie gets up and starts towards the door, I sheepishly follow staying just out of view. It was at this point that I suddenly realized I had on yesterdays clothes with the big coffee stain on the front and I hadn't gotten around to even looking at the mirror let alone actually combing anything. She opens the door to discover two ladies on the other side. The dog is running in circles barking her crazy head off, so Damie moved outside so she could hear what these ladies wanted.
Damie came in a few minutes later and was kind of pissed. I was like "who was that, and what did they want?" Damie went and sat down and then started shaking her head and said " damn, things are different here in Canada, in Texas it's a couple of boys on bikes wearing red ties." And then I got it, they were Jehovah Witness's. I couldn't help but laugh out loud, thankful that I wasn't the one that answered the door. I said to Damie "so what did you say to them?" "The same thing I always tell them, that we are Jewish." This is particularly funny since we have not yet removed all of the Christmas decorations from the outside of our house and while she was saying that to them they were standing under our nicely hung lights. I asked her what they said when she told them that and she said they said they were there to discuss armageddon and that she just told them we weren't worried about that.
I have never had a problem with others belief's in their religion, in fact I have always found it all to be a great way to learn about others. I do however have a problem when they feel that they need to shove it down my throat. It is not because they come to my home, but it has to do more with the fact that they want me to take time away from my family to hear what they have to say, they want me to be open minded about what they are saying, but they do not care about anything I might have to say. I think that if you want me to listen and give you my precious time, they you need to give me the same respect.
We both went right back to our morning, enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling sorry for all our neighbours who were going to have their mornings interrupted.
Getting Zeb off to school is no small feet. If you are a parent I am sure you know all too well. Zeb is not exactly a great eater. Actually, if he could live on cookies he would be great. The medication he takes makes his appetite very small, if there is one at all, so we have to work really hard to get him to eat. This is made even more difficult in the mornings as he is not one of those people who really likes to eat when they first get up. Most mornings we have to resort to dragging him out of his bed, so that makes having a leisurely meal impossible. He usually has just enough time to get something in his mouth and then dressed and groomed, so no, he can't sit around for a half hour before he wants to start eating. When he does make it to the kitchen to eat his breakfast it is a non stop recording of, "come on Zeb eat" or "Zeb you are not eating, come on you are running out of time". That is on repeat for 20 minutes until he has to go get dressed and washed to head out to the bus stop. The whole time this is going on he is chatting up a storm, the dog is going crazy and we are trying to eat our breakfast. It's usually quite crazy and quite loud, but as soon as he puts that first foot on the bus our lives become very peaceful.
I had just got up from the table to get something when I noticed that there was a SUV parked on our street in kind of a strange way. I told Damie about it, and she got up to take a look as well. We just decided they must have been visiting the neighbour and went back to our tea and forgot about it. A few minutes later the door bell rang, and our peaceful morning was interrupted.
The dog hates the doorbell, she goes out of her skin in craze. We never had a doorbell until we moved here, so this thing that goes off is just beyond understanding for our less than intelligent Goldendoodle.
Damie gets up and starts towards the door, I sheepishly follow staying just out of view. It was at this point that I suddenly realized I had on yesterdays clothes with the big coffee stain on the front and I hadn't gotten around to even looking at the mirror let alone actually combing anything. She opens the door to discover two ladies on the other side. The dog is running in circles barking her crazy head off, so Damie moved outside so she could hear what these ladies wanted.
Damie came in a few minutes later and was kind of pissed. I was like "who was that, and what did they want?" Damie went and sat down and then started shaking her head and said " damn, things are different here in Canada, in Texas it's a couple of boys on bikes wearing red ties." And then I got it, they were Jehovah Witness's. I couldn't help but laugh out loud, thankful that I wasn't the one that answered the door. I said to Damie "so what did you say to them?" "The same thing I always tell them, that we are Jewish." This is particularly funny since we have not yet removed all of the Christmas decorations from the outside of our house and while she was saying that to them they were standing under our nicely hung lights. I asked her what they said when she told them that and she said they said they were there to discuss armageddon and that she just told them we weren't worried about that.
I have never had a problem with others belief's in their religion, in fact I have always found it all to be a great way to learn about others. I do however have a problem when they feel that they need to shove it down my throat. It is not because they come to my home, but it has to do more with the fact that they want me to take time away from my family to hear what they have to say, they want me to be open minded about what they are saying, but they do not care about anything I might have to say. I think that if you want me to listen and give you my precious time, they you need to give me the same respect.
We both went right back to our morning, enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling sorry for all our neighbours who were going to have their mornings interrupted.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Super WHAT??
Yesterday was the Superbowl. Well it may have been super somewhere but it was not super in my house. I guess I never realized that here in Canada CTV can hijack every channel showing the Superbowl for their own purposes. I pay money, lots of money for satellite television. Way too much in my opinion, which is the main reason we are currently researching Internet television. Anyway, I am off my point, I can't believe that when I am watching NBC, which I pay lots of money for I don't get the American commercials. This is outrageous, and in my opinion boarders on Communism. I pay for American programing. Every day I watch American commercials on those American channels, but when it comes to the Superbowl I am not permitted to watch those but instead CTV gets to put all their commercials on NBC. I realize that the CRTC has ruled that this is permissible, but really, is it fair? Not to me the viewer, and certainly not for the money I pay to see said American programs. If I want to watch the Superbowl on CTV I would, but I don't. I want to watch the Superbowl on NBC because I don't watch the football, I watch the half time show and the commercials!!!
As for the half time show. I think for a 53 yr old woman Madonna did an pretty good job. I think for the most part it was tasteful, except for the childish antics of M.I.A., which for me just means I will never pay a red cent to support her in any way. I think Madonna was a poor choice for this years Superbowl, there are more relevant stars that would have had more interest for me, but since I was not on the committee I have to accept what I was given, and that was a pretty good Madonna performance. I thought that Kelly Clarkson did a wonderful job at the anthem, as far as I am concerned if I were a star and someone asked me to since the national anthem I would have to think about it long and hard. Seems they want some to sing, and then all they want to do is bitch about how they sung it.
Now, to change subjects a little. I am so grateful Simon Cowel has now given me 500 million new reasons why I will not be watching his X factor. I feel like I have been slapped across the face 500 million times. Why on earth would anyone pay anyone such funds to judge on a TV show?? Where the hell is this world going, it is really starting to scare me. I can't believe in the same country were 1/3 of the population are out of jobs, have their homes in foreclosure and/or living in their cars, that there can be such obscene spending. I don't curse much but really WTF!!!! This is getting so out of hand it isn't even remotely funny anymore. These people are making way to much money, and we are allowing it!! If it weren't for the public they wouldn't have it. I for one am not going to buy into it any longer. I am not supporting that kind of insanity any longer. Imagine if a couple of those there famous people were to give 500 million dollars to their schools, maybe there would be books and actual learning going on. What can we expect though, more people vote for that sort of thing then national elections. People bitch about how much profit companies claim every year like CAT, but they sure as heck don't think about how much money we put into the hands of football stars and movie stars. I guess it's hard to realize that it all runs downhill. The more people watch, the higher the advertising price, the higher the advertising price, the higher the price of the product, the higher the price of the product the less we have in our pockets. I for one will not buy into that any more.
As for us, we spent Saturday at may parents house. My dad has now accepted that he is actually going to die from this and that there is no chance of a meaningful recovery. We had a talk about heroic measures and what I would like done if he should go into cardiac arrest, or stop breathing. It was a difficult discussion, one I know he was very anxious about having with me but I am glad he did. I was worried that he would stay in denial forever, and that because of that would go about saying the things he needed to say or doing the things he needed to do. I also think it is better for a person to go through the stages of death so that they are prepared to go when the time comes. I am glad he is heading in that direction. My constant concern is what toll this is taking on my mother, she is getting tired and seems a little overwhelmed at times. However, if I ask if she would like me to come and take over for a while she refuses my offers. My fear is that we will have two parents that we need to look after at one time, and that would be more than we could handle right now. It is so very hard to see your parent go through this, the pain he is in is incredible and I hate that he has to live this way. Those that go peacefully in their sleep are blessed, it may be harder for those who are left, but watching this is very very hard.
Zeb had a good day with his grandparents. My dad was having a good day, so Zeb could sit up with him on his bed and talk. He also did some stuff on the lap top and my dad helped. It was nice seeing them together. Zeb understands that his papa is sick, but we have not had the conversation with him yet about what is happening or what will happen. Kids just seem to know, Zeb is very gentle, calm and caring around his papa. I am glad that he was having a good day, we need the time to make some good memories.
Damie is looking for work, and has a lead on something that sounds promising. I do wish we could leave this area where there are so few jobs and go somewhere that had a bit more possibilities, but until things change with my dad I just can't imagine going. I have things I want to do, and I need to be here to do them, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish we could be in a different situation. Money doesn't make you happy, that is so true, but the lack of money impacts your life in such a devastating way.
Zeb got his report card tonight and once again, he did not get very good marks on things he can't control. I am sorry but a kid with ADHD is just not going to ever be good at organization, it just isn't possible. Maybe when he is older he will get a handle on it, but I think it is expecting far too much to expect that from him. I think maybe instead of making him in terms of the provincial standard maybe they could mark him on how well he is doing, or improving. I think, unless I medicate this kid so much that we lose Zeb all together you are never going to get the results that you would from the average kid. He did wonderfully in all the academics, but it's the behavioural area's he doesn't get good marks in. As parents we work with him on how to be organized, we teach him that certain things are his responsibility and only his responsibility, and we also teach him by example how we have to follow through with things from beginning to end. I know that eventually he will get better at it, but for now he will just have to keep trying. I am not worried about him in school, as far as how well he learns. I do worry about how well he gets along with his peers, and how well he controls his impulses, but I think that is getting better the older he gets. Zeb is definitely a work in process, and can be very challenging, but he is totally worth all the work. He is continually impressing me with his ability to learn, his love for things like geography, science and math. He sure has a love for learning, certainly in a way I never had. I am glad that he is motivated that way. I will definitely pay off in the end.
As for the half time show. I think for a 53 yr old woman Madonna did an pretty good job. I think for the most part it was tasteful, except for the childish antics of M.I.A., which for me just means I will never pay a red cent to support her in any way. I think Madonna was a poor choice for this years Superbowl, there are more relevant stars that would have had more interest for me, but since I was not on the committee I have to accept what I was given, and that was a pretty good Madonna performance. I thought that Kelly Clarkson did a wonderful job at the anthem, as far as I am concerned if I were a star and someone asked me to since the national anthem I would have to think about it long and hard. Seems they want some to sing, and then all they want to do is bitch about how they sung it.
Now, to change subjects a little. I am so grateful Simon Cowel has now given me 500 million new reasons why I will not be watching his X factor. I feel like I have been slapped across the face 500 million times. Why on earth would anyone pay anyone such funds to judge on a TV show?? Where the hell is this world going, it is really starting to scare me. I can't believe in the same country were 1/3 of the population are out of jobs, have their homes in foreclosure and/or living in their cars, that there can be such obscene spending. I don't curse much but really WTF!!!! This is getting so out of hand it isn't even remotely funny anymore. These people are making way to much money, and we are allowing it!! If it weren't for the public they wouldn't have it. I for one am not going to buy into it any longer. I am not supporting that kind of insanity any longer. Imagine if a couple of those there famous people were to give 500 million dollars to their schools, maybe there would be books and actual learning going on. What can we expect though, more people vote for that sort of thing then national elections. People bitch about how much profit companies claim every year like CAT, but they sure as heck don't think about how much money we put into the hands of football stars and movie stars. I guess it's hard to realize that it all runs downhill. The more people watch, the higher the advertising price, the higher the advertising price, the higher the price of the product, the higher the price of the product the less we have in our pockets. I for one will not buy into that any more.
As for us, we spent Saturday at may parents house. My dad has now accepted that he is actually going to die from this and that there is no chance of a meaningful recovery. We had a talk about heroic measures and what I would like done if he should go into cardiac arrest, or stop breathing. It was a difficult discussion, one I know he was very anxious about having with me but I am glad he did. I was worried that he would stay in denial forever, and that because of that would go about saying the things he needed to say or doing the things he needed to do. I also think it is better for a person to go through the stages of death so that they are prepared to go when the time comes. I am glad he is heading in that direction. My constant concern is what toll this is taking on my mother, she is getting tired and seems a little overwhelmed at times. However, if I ask if she would like me to come and take over for a while she refuses my offers. My fear is that we will have two parents that we need to look after at one time, and that would be more than we could handle right now. It is so very hard to see your parent go through this, the pain he is in is incredible and I hate that he has to live this way. Those that go peacefully in their sleep are blessed, it may be harder for those who are left, but watching this is very very hard.
Zeb had a good day with his grandparents. My dad was having a good day, so Zeb could sit up with him on his bed and talk. He also did some stuff on the lap top and my dad helped. It was nice seeing them together. Zeb understands that his papa is sick, but we have not had the conversation with him yet about what is happening or what will happen. Kids just seem to know, Zeb is very gentle, calm and caring around his papa. I am glad that he was having a good day, we need the time to make some good memories.
Damie is looking for work, and has a lead on something that sounds promising. I do wish we could leave this area where there are so few jobs and go somewhere that had a bit more possibilities, but until things change with my dad I just can't imagine going. I have things I want to do, and I need to be here to do them, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish we could be in a different situation. Money doesn't make you happy, that is so true, but the lack of money impacts your life in such a devastating way.
Zeb got his report card tonight and once again, he did not get very good marks on things he can't control. I am sorry but a kid with ADHD is just not going to ever be good at organization, it just isn't possible. Maybe when he is older he will get a handle on it, but I think it is expecting far too much to expect that from him. I think maybe instead of making him in terms of the provincial standard maybe they could mark him on how well he is doing, or improving. I think, unless I medicate this kid so much that we lose Zeb all together you are never going to get the results that you would from the average kid. He did wonderfully in all the academics, but it's the behavioural area's he doesn't get good marks in. As parents we work with him on how to be organized, we teach him that certain things are his responsibility and only his responsibility, and we also teach him by example how we have to follow through with things from beginning to end. I know that eventually he will get better at it, but for now he will just have to keep trying. I am not worried about him in school, as far as how well he learns. I do worry about how well he gets along with his peers, and how well he controls his impulses, but I think that is getting better the older he gets. Zeb is definitely a work in process, and can be very challenging, but he is totally worth all the work. He is continually impressing me with his ability to learn, his love for things like geography, science and math. He sure has a love for learning, certainly in a way I never had. I am glad that he is motivated that way. I will definitely pay off in the end.
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