There is a blog I like to read, and the other day she wrote one regarding bridges. It got me thinking and I wanted to write my blog about my bridges.
*"Give praise to the bridge that carried you over." George Colman.*
My Grandmother on my fathers side was the first one in my life that carried me over. She was the first person that I felt loved by and who treated me with complete understanding. It was through her that I first recognized the need to be of service, to others and to yourself. She tirelessly followed the calls of need in her life, making the lives of those around her smoother. By watching how she gave of herself freely, never asking for anything in return, but getting so much more, I realized that it is not what we ask, but what we give that has more purpose. Her life was surrounded by true friends, people who she depended on and who depended on her. She taught me how to be a kind person, and how to be a true friend. She loved me unconditionally, and was not ever afraid to show me that love. I knew she would always want the very best for me, knowing that I was deserving and worthy. She was the first person who told me to rely only on myself, do wait for someone else to take care of you. Her live was an true example of female strength. She was tough, as well as soft, and she never took no for an answer when it was something that meant something to her. Her life represents freedom of choice to me.
I failed the third grade, mainly because I was being sexually abused and couldn't concentrate at school. The school was oblivious to what was happening to me so they felt that I was just not paying enough attention. For most of that year I spent it in the cloak room, listening to lessons through a tape recorder and ear phones. I was alone, afraid, and felt so ashamed of myself. The second year of grade two I was placed in a class where the teacher would be leaving at Christmas to go have a baby and would be replaced by a sub. That sub's name was Mrs. Humphrey's. She made me feel special, and always made a point of telling me I could do it. It was during that four months with her that I realized I was not stupid, which at the time had become my name at home. From the day I failed until my brother moved out five years later, he only referred to me as stup (short for stupid). Mrs. Humphrey's would let me sit next to her at the side of the room while she marked papers and talk to me really quietly. She would point out mistakes other students were making, which made me feel less alone in my mistakes. Her guidance allowed me to feel more confident, more sure of myself. I gained back so much of what I had lost the previous year, and began to feel better about school all together. She was very kind, and certainly didn't have to be, she just knew it was the right thing to do. I am not sure I would have ever pulled myself up if it weren't for her perseverance and kindness. I will always be grateful to her for being my bridge out of the hell that school had become.
I had a friend in grades 6 thru 8 grade who would be the bridge to something I had never had before. A true friendship. My friends name was Bonnie and we were good friends, but it was like any other friendship to me. One day I headed over to her house to see if she was interested in hanging out, but she wasn't home. Her sister was home and she suggested I hang out with her until Bonnie came back. I decided that since I had nothing better to do I would. Her name was Karen and she would become one of the closes friends I would ever have. She was fun, entertaining and had a real sparkle about her. I was drawn to her first because of her laughter, but I stayed drawn because she showed me how to not let anything stand in my way. She was born with only her two fingers on her right hand, her thumb and baby finger. She also had some other deformities at birth, clubbed feet and some other fingers had what looked like tight bands around them. I have just recently discovered that she actually had ABS (Amniotic Band Syndrome). Just because she had only two fingers it never stopped her from using that hand to write with, play the piano, or even type in high school. She never let any of that slow her down, in fact she actually felt she was lucky to have such a uniqueness. She taught me perseverance, which has stayed with me to this day. I don't give up on anything or anyone, and have even found myself saying in my head from time to time "Karen could do this with one hand tied behind her back so buck it and and just do it". She also taught me that friendship is worth fighting for, and that you stay in it to win it. She never gave up on me, and I never gave up on her, even though I think it was hard for both of us at times. She also taught me that with the right attitude you could get through anything. I don't think I could have made it without her. She is no longer with us, and I miss her greatly. She was a bridge I will never forget.
Pathfinders and junior choir would also turn out to be a bridge. Pathfinders (a level of guiding for ages 12-16) would prove to be a tremendous bridge for me. I found a kinship with so many who I crossed paths with during those years. Some would become lifelong friends, some would be friends for the moment, but all would change me in a way that nothing else has. Pathfinders brought me to someone who would eventually become one of my biggest fans, my sounding board, and my second mom. Mrs. Elizabeth Pearson was the person and she was a bridge for me in so many ways. Being a teenager is not easy, no matter how smooth your life is. I had additional difficulties with being a teenager, and she helped me through all of those difficult times. She showed me how to believe in myself, and to trust the belief others had in me when I couldn't do it for myself. She showed me what true fellowship was really about, and how much our peers can bring to the enjoyment of your life. It was through her that I began a lifetime love of singing, as she was the first to see promise in me. Her love for camping, and music stays with me to this day. Her opened door policy to me allowed me a safe place to fall, a honest hear to listen, and a warm hug to follow all those tears. There was never a time when she turned me away, and became someone I could truly count on and knew had my best interests at heart. Pathfinders also lead me to a person who would become my closest friend, my sister, who to this day has always been there. My friend Sheri. Junior choir brought to me the love of music, devotion, and togetherness. I built friendships that kept me strong. When my world was crashing in, those Thursday night choir practices brought light to what would otherwise be very dark times. It gave me an understanding of what my God was, and who I was to him. Thought the choir I became a member of even a bigger family, one that knew their God and loved me because of him. For me, that family gave me the crutches to hold myself up, when I no longer had the strength to do it myself. These things bridged those years so that I could live beyond the darkness and make it to brighter days.
My best friend Sheri. She has been my bridge in so many different ways in my life. Though her love and understanding, I was able to face my fears, talk about my demons and move towards a brighter tomorrow. She stood by me in times that I am not sure I could have stood by me. She was my biggest champion, and always, above all else wanted me to be all that she knew I could be. There were times in my life where I would have walked away, closed the door, and never looked back, but she was there right beside me, helping me push back all the brush so that I could see clearly. She taught me how to love with all my heart. She showed me what family is really all about, and how much you can actually look to them for support. She took me, a beaten down, sad person, and through love, showed me just how important I was. It was her desire to make the world a better place that I realized that my world could be better, it was all up to me how I made it. Today she is the first person, after Damie and Zeb that I want to talk to about all the good things going on, and all the bad stuff too. She is the person I know will never go away no matter what I do that would otherwise make anyone else go. She was the bridge that brought me from childhood to adulthood and everything since.
Damie, well she is my bridge to the world. When I met her my world opened up to great possibilities, ones I would have never thought possible. She opened my eyes to what the world had to offer, and that I could take as much as I wanted. Through her I was able to be my authentic self, to be truly honest with me and with those around me in a way that I had never allowed myself to do before. With her love I was able to imagine having my own family, children, and all that goes along with it. Her love for me surpasses anything that I could have ever imagined. I never thought I would find someone who, even though I give her so many reasons, loves me without condition or control. She asks nothing of me, but gives me so much my cup overflows. I have learned how to be patient, understanding, and warm. Her example of parenting has opened my eyes to what a true loving parent can really be, and how warmth and affection can feel when you open yourself up completely to your child. I have learned to be a better human, parent, partner, and friend from her. I have learned that I am not as damaged as I once thought I was, and that with true love you can conquer anything. Her love for life, sense of humor and dramatic style brings sunshine into my existence, and because of that I am able to stay out of the darkness more. She understands me in a way no one else has ever, and never questions me in a way that makes me feel self concious. With her I know that I can tell her everything and she will love me more, not less. I know through her I can be all that I can be, and she is there to help me along the way in any manner I need. She does not need to be my everything, my whole live, and with that I have learned that jealousy is not love. She is pleased when I sore, even if it means she may become a bit smaller during those times. It is with her encouragement that I am able to be who I need to be and not some picture of me that she has in her head. She never tries to change me, mold me, or lower me. The bridge she has built in my life is strong, forever growing, forever changing and forever lasting.
There are people who have also built bridges for me, even if they were not big players in my life. They were there to build the bridge to get me to this spot so that the bigger players would be there on the other side, so for them I am also grateful, even if they were not always kind.
Some people come into your life for moments, months, or years, but all of them make you who you are today. There are people, like my sons first pre-school teacher, who would be a quick close friend, but who left my life as fast as she came in. The bridge she build was strong and allowed me to over come my fear of letting Zeb out of my site. She built that first bridge of trust, when it came to school, and that not all people will hurt you kid when you are not there. Though her I was able to move past that fear and accept the good things that come from Zeb living his own separate life from me and that it is all okay. So for that I am forever grateful Wanda. You will never be forgotten.
There were people like my family doctor, who would become my friend during my twenties when I first started seeking help regarding my sexual abuse when I was a kid, and would later need help making through the death of my friend Karen. She stepped up, showed me compassion, love and understanding. She opened her life and her home to me, and surrounded me with love. I was able to come out of the very deep darkness that took me over for such a long time, and made me whole again. She was not there forever, but while she was there she worked miracles on me, so thank you Miriam Greenberg for all that you did to put all the pieces of me back together.
I now have an new doctor, who is also helping me put more pieces back. With her help I hope to allow myself to trust the outside world, and to trust my child will be safe in it. Through her I hope to see myself in a new light, and accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and to know the difference.
All of the bridges have played such an important part in my life, and I am grateful that I am here to tell about it!
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