Smell

I am constantly reading little sayings on facebook.  Some of them I really find inspirational, some I find annoying, but the ones that have to do with not living in the past make me question what they really mean.  Do they mean, don't live in the past, meaning don't only think of the past, or do they mean forget the past and just live in the day to day.  For some of us forgetting the past is more difficult than one would think, sometimes the past come back to haunt you when you least expect it.

For any of you who read my blog regularly know by now that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I was abused by many different people in my childhood.  The son of a family friend started abusing me when I was 5, and continued until I was 9, another family friend abused me when I was 10 and a family member abused me when I was 12.  Yes, it's very true that those of us who were abused have this sign on our forehead that only abusers can see, hence the multiple times by various people.  But really, once a child is abused it is easier for abusers to find those children as they have an ability to get to them easier.  Once you have been abused you just think that that's all that you are worth and it continues.  It's a breaking of innocence, it destroys who you were intended to be, and it forever changes you.

I don't live in the past for the most part.  What happened to me as a child has been discussed, worked through, analyzed and broken down, and has also been laid to rest...for the most part.  Yes, there are lingering things that come up from time to time, things I deal with especially when dealing with my own child.  I can honestly say that there isn't much that I allow my son to do without thinking about his safety and who is around.  I don't trust people, I don't let people into our lives easily, and certainly don't want to ever put my own child into the same situations I found myself in all those years ago.  I think before doing anything, and I question when maybe most wouldn't, these are just some of the lasting effects of being abused.  These are the struggles I encounter on a daily basis, but I certainly don't let it stop me from living my life.

There are things that will bring you right back to the abuse, things you don't think about, you don't look out for, things you can't control.  Smell is a big trigger for me.  I will smell certain things and I am right back there....right back to being a little girl enduring the most disgusting things all over again.  When I smell peanut butter I am there, when I smell the all too familiar smell of a regular teenage boys room, I am there.  When I come across the smell of a certain perfume, the one I used to cover up the disgusting smell in the bathroom of a family friends home after enduring the unspeakable just moments before.  The smell of exhaust coming from a snow mobile will bring me back to a certain incident, or the smell of cigarette smoke on someone's breath.  These are all triggers for me, they are bring back the past without me willing it up.

Talking about living in the present is a wonderful notion for some, but for me I am constantly fighting what once was in today.  There have been times raising my son where I have been pulled back.  When he was 5, I was constantly reminded just how much my life changed at that age.  He being 5 reminded me of who I was then, how much I was like him, and how much the abuse took all of what made me, me, away.  It is just one more life long consequence of being a survivor.

Living for today is really important.  I try desperately not to live at any other moment in my life, but what was once has made me who I am today and I have to acknowledge  that and accept it.  I am someone I am proud of, despite my many flaws, but it is what it is and I am okay with it all.