Control

Control.  That word can sound negative, as in "she has to control everything" or it can be a positive, as in "I have taken control of my health".  I have found that having some measure of total control in area's in my life lifesavers.

There has been times in my life that I have felt I had no control.  I have felt pushed into things, and situations that have not made me happy, but more importantly have made me feel badly about myself and others.  There was a time when I felt that I couldn't even so much as control my feelings, that things forced me to feel a certain way and that was it.  Not anymore, now I realize that I have control over how I react and feel in most circumstances. 

I'm sure you have heard the saying, "You can control your happiness, you can either choose to be happy, or not".  This was a foreign concept for me for a very long time.  It was my feeling that things controlled how I felt.  If someone was mean to me or took advantage of me I felt angry, mad even, now I have learned that what others do to you say more about them than you, so you can choose to hold it, or let it go.  I choose letting it go, where before I would hold it...for far too long.

Over the past couple of years I have also learned that I don't have to control everything, but what I do need to do is have boundary's.  Boundary's have kept me whole, have allowed me to keep me and not lose me to something or someone else.  This has been a hard concept for me, I have been a real all or nothing girl.  Either you are around me all the time, or you are around me none of the time.  Silly right.  For a long time I thought friendship had to do with the time you spent with someone, rather than the connection you had with that person.  I thought if you didn't choose to be with me all the time, then you weren't really my friend.  So not true as I have found out.  I now realize that having boundary's and keeping to those boundary's is a healthy thing.  I have learned that lesson in many ways now, both in therapy and in my friendships. 

I have a very dear friend, I barely see her, well I actually hardly ever see her.  She is a very busy woman, raising three very busy kids, running a business, working hard every single day.  I questioned our friendship over the years, wondering if we were really friends, but you know what I learned...I learned that she is a very dear friend, and even if she isn't there, she is always there.  She is the person that will offer help when she sees the need, she's the first one on my doorstep in times of crisis, and she often sends sweet thoughtful cards out of no where.  I don't question the friendship anymore, I know she is my friend no matter how often I see her, and I will always return that friendship forever.

This is a very hard lesson to teach an 8 year old like my son.  He wants to play with his friends all the time, and for a while there I thought it was a good thing...but like so many things, too much of a good thing is just that, too much.  I have been trying to teach him the lessons I have learned, that friendship is about connection not about time.  It's very hard for him, but I hope that through me he will learn the lesson when he's young and not have that to struggle through as I have.

Now I can see the difference, and I actually find myself distancing myself from people who do not know the difference between having healthy boundary's and having none at all.  It's a strange concept for me, recognizing people who are like what I once was.  But it's true, if they are always in need of my attention, of my time, I move away.  I guess it is just one of those healthy boundary's I have learned.  I am interested in making life long friends at this point in my life, and in my opinion, to do that it takes getting to know someone over a long period of time rather than jumping in full throttle and hoping it sticks.  I feel good about this change, and I can tell you it was a hard lesson to learn.

Controlling how I live has made my life a much happier place to be.  I don't take "being in control" as a negative, but rather having a healthy balance.