Obstacles

There are always going to be obstacles in our way, I described a really big one yesterday in my N post.  With any sort of obstacle we can either let us stop us, which I have done countless times, or we can walk around it and keep on going.  I am learning to do the latter.

Being gay was a major obstacle for me, in more ways than I can ever describe in a simple entry blog,  however I can explain some of the bigger challenges "obstacles" I have encountered.

Just being gay is an obstacle in life.  You are torn between doing and living your "real" life and that of the life you think is more accepted.  There isn't anyone in your life, no matter how liberal your friends or family are, who want you to be gay.  No one is ever praising the heavens that there daughter turned out to be gay.  Yes, people can accept, but it isn't something they are ever thrilled about.  This makes it hard to life "real".  You want people to be happy with you, you don't want to rock the boat, and you don't want to take the chance that people whom you really care about are going to walk away.  Sure, if they walk they aren't worth anything right, but that is easier said than actually lived.  I lost people who I thought would be in my life forever, and yes, now I know I am better without them, but it took some time.

There is also the obstacle of wanting a family, when every single thing you read says that "gays" can't raise children.  You know in your heart you will never be truly whole without that family you have dreamt of,  but you also don't want to bring a child into a world where there is more written about how selfish your parents are than how great they are doing.  If you do decide to fulfill your dream, then from the minute that little human is out into the real world you feel this need to be perfect.  Everyone who has ever raised a child knows that you aren't going to be perfect, but yet when you do it under these circumstances you feel the need to try harder than everyone else.  I feared that one day I would hear, "well of course he has issues, look who is parents are", but luckily I haven't heard that.  That doesn't take away from the fact that I feel I have to do better than the breeders.  I feel like all eyes are watching and I have to live up to the mustard or else we will be blamed for everything simply because we are gay....certainly not because we are making mistakes just like everyone else.  It's a very heavy weight to hold on my shoulders I can tell you.

You also face the obstacles of family.  Some will accept, some will not.  Unlike friends you can just walk away from, family stays in your life in ways that you can't help.  We faced a real obstacle when it came to Damie's parents.  At the beginning of our relationship they both said that they would accept that I was her "friend" we weren't to touch in front of them, we weren't to let on we were a couple at all.  For a while I felt like it was okay, at least they weren't turning away from her.  When I got pregnant her mom seemed happy, but during the time of the pregnancy she seemed to change.  She never seemed upset about the baby coming, she just seemed to be always upset with me.  Later, after Zeb came into the world Damie's dad refused to call him Zeb, and did not ever want Zeb calling him anything other than his first name.  This was a big obstacle, as it created a situation that we just didn't know how we were going to handle later when he was old enough to know what was happening.  Damie's mom became more and more difficult, and now plays no role in our life at all.  I don't know what really happened, I can only guess, but my best guess is that she realized at some point during that pregnancy that this was not a faze her daughter was going through, it in fact was a life long situation and her dream for a straight daughter was gone for good.  I don't know if she blamed me for it, maybe she did, maybe it was easier to blame than to accept.  I do know it was a big obstacle in our family.

I have learned that there really isn't much that you can let stand in your way, no matter what you are moving towards.  You can let others try, you can let money try, you can even let your fears try, but if you are really going to live your "real" life, the one God expects from you, then you have to move past those obstacles.  I really think they are put there for a reason, I think they are great tests.  I think that those tests teach you better than anything else can, just how strong you are, how resilient you are, and just how much you are willing to do to reach your happiness.  Like they say, nothing worth anything comes easy, so dig deep and move on by!!