Bullying!

Over the course of the past year or so we have been hearing regularly about one child or another committing suicide as a result of being bullied.  What is going wrong with our kids nowadays??  These cases of bullying have been because some kids feel it is okay to hate someone strictly due to their sexuality, or presumed sexuality.  The last case involved a young man named Jamey Rodemeyer.  Lady Gaga dedicated a song to him, as he was a big fan of hers and had tweeted her before taking his life (you gotta love someone who puts their money where their mouth is.  I love Lady Gaga for this reason, and so many others).  He was bullied because of his bi sexuality.  Again, what is happening to kids nowadays??

I truly feel that this behaviour comes straight from the parents, not like they are telling their kids to go bully fags, but they are teaching them in the home that homo's are evil and should be destroyed.  If you don't believe that, than you are naive.  There is so much hate taught to our kids, not in school, but at home.  It comes from an early age, and is breed into them.  It doesn't always come from what the parents have chosen to believe, but comes from the churches they affiliate with.  There are churches that teach that homosexuality is the ultimate sin, and all who partake in that act should be dammed.  One of the major reason's I no longer go to church, but that is another story, one I will save for another time.

I moved to Houston Texas in 2001.  I met Damie online and within months I moved to be with her.  When I first lived there we lived in a one room apartment in an area in Houston called the Heights.  It was what some would call, "an up and coming area" of Houston.  It was mostly run down, low income, and had some pretty shady characters inhabiting it.  It was a place where artist, musicians and thespians had started to move into, and make it unique and interesting.  But those who are not a musician, thespian or artist living there are mostly low income, low educated people.  The rents were cheap and the houses were plentiful. 

While living in our small apartment I experienced my very first homophobic act.  One night, shortly before Christmas, Damie and I were enjoying the cool of the evening on the front steps of the complex.  It was a nice night, and we were enjoying the reprieve from the heat.  There was a small girl across the street playing in her side yard.  She was about 10 or 11, she was minding her own business and we ours.  Suddenly, and without notice we had a Christmas light thrown at us and break into pieces close to us on the sidewalk leading up to the complex, then another, and another  all smashing into tiny pieces.  If you have never had one of those old fashion, big bulbs break on you, you will be surprised to know that when they hit the sidewalk the break like a small firecracker going off.  We were shocked and surprised, but what followed surprised us more.  Soon after a few where thrown, the girl across the street came out of the shadows and started throwing light bulbs and yelling, "stupid dykes".  Shortly after that she changed up what she was saying to "die dykes".  Damie and I were shocked, a little scared, but most of all we were surprised that this was coming from such an innocent child.  Where did she come up with such hate, how does this happen??  We moved to another apartment, where we thought it would be better, we were wrong.

We moved into a really nice new apartment in a different section of the Heights.   We were both excited, and hoped for a better living environment.  The apartment was in a one level home that had been divided into three apartments.  Our apartment was a one bedroom at the front of the house, there was a larger two bedroom in the middle and an even larger apartment in the back that had three bedrooms.  The middle apartment was occupied with two brothers who worked in construction, they seemed nice and friendly.  The back apartment was occupied by a small family, which consisted of a husband and wife and their teen aged daughter.  It was a very nice place to live at first.  We spoke to all of the people pretty regularly, but mostly to the middle guys who seemed to be a bit more friendly than the back family.  They were fun loving, party animals, but never got too out of hand.  After a few months one of the brothers had his girlfriend move in, and we really liked her.  She was nice and friendly and would often come over and chat when we were outside.  She seemed to mix in well with everyone, until one day we found out that she had split with the brother because he found out that she had once had a boyfriend who was black.  She was very upset, and just seemed to disappear.  A few months after that we started to have trouble with the family at the back.  One day I came across the mother going through our mailbox (they were traditional mail boxes at the end of the driveway, one for each apartment).  I asked her what she was doing and she said that they thought they were not getting all their mail, and that some of their mail was being put in our mailbox by accident.  I explained to her that if that were to ever happen we would make sure she got her mail, but not to go through ours any longer.  I thought she understood and that that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.  She continued to go through our mail and it got to the point where I had to say that we would be calling the police if she didn't stop going into our mailbox, which of course lead her to calling me a fat dyke, as well as a great deal of other things, and then it was bad from that day on.  We soon felt quite uncomfortable living there, and explained this to the landlord, who did nothing.  We moved once again.

These are the only real instances where I have felt bullied for my sexuality.  I know there have been people who have chosen not to be friends with me, and there have been people who have kept their distance from me, but nothing so obvious as these two instances.  Where does this attitude come from, where do they learn that it is okay to treat people who are different than them like this?  I have to wonder.  Maybe they are just ignorant, maybe they were raised to believe this, maybe they are just bullies that have always attracted the weaker, or the ones who are more vulnerable.  I don't know.

When I was a kid I can't say I was ever really bullied.  I was teased, or at least that's how I saw it.  There were things about me that kids would make fun of, sometimes they were the same kids, sometimes it was different kids.  There was always teasing to some extent or another with every kid.  Maybe you had a funny name, maybe you were a brain, maybe you had red hair, maybe you had different habits.  Whatever it was, whoever it was, we were all teased at one time or another.  I know there were kids in my school who might have been teased more, maybe they were weaker and didn't ever defend themselves, maybe they had personalities that made them not want to attack back. What ever the case, bullying happened and if happened often.  The difference is I don't remember anyone ever killing themselves over it.

There was one time in my life, when I was in my early teens where I came across a bully.  She treated me like a friend, and I bought it up hook line and sinker.  I wanted to be friends with her, she was popular, had lots of money, and did whatever her heart desired.  Everyone seemed to flock to her, and I was one of them.  When she gave me the time of day, I was there like a dirty shirt.  I felt accepted, wanted and in some small way popular finally.  This girl took that friendship, my innocence and my willingness to please and used it to her advantage.  She led me to believe we were friends, shared secrets with me, and I with her, just to take it all and turn it back on me.  She, and a group of friends that she had, let me in just to turn on me in a way no one had ever turned on me before, or since.   She made me feel small, meaningless, but most of all she made me feel embarrassed.  She was a true bully.

A few weeks ago this same girl, who is now all grown up with kids of her own, asked for my friendship on facebook.  I couldn't believe it. All those feeling from all those years ago came flooding back, and I felt worthless all over again.  I was right back to being a teenager.  Gosh that's an awful feeling.  I sat at my desk pondering, do I accept it or not.  Do I let her in, when I felt and remembered what she had done to me all those years ago. Do I give her the satisfaction of knowing me now, when she didn't really want to know me than?  I sat at my desk for a long time and thought about it.  I decided to ask Damie what she thought and her feeling was to not accept it as there is no need to have someone like that in your life in any capacity.  I decided to accept her friendship, mainly because I think we all do things we are not proud of when we are young and stupid, and because we all deserve a second chance.  I hope I made the right decision and that I don't live to regret it.  Time will tell.

While raising my son I have tried to teach him that you have to attempt to resolve conflicts with others.  We talk about the fact that others are different from him, and even though they maybe different those differences are what makes life interesting.  I have also tried to teach him boundaries, and that those boundaries are up to his discretion and only he can decide when someone has overstepped those boundaries.  I have also shown him, by example, how to deal with people who overstep boundaries and that it can be done without anyone getting hurt.  The thing about bullying, in my opinion, is that no one can bully you if you don't let them.  People can try to make you feel bad about who you are, but unless you believe them, their attempts don't work.  It is my feeling that we need to help our kids have strong self images, and that self esteem is so important.  Knowing what is happening to your kid, and talking about what's happening will help them feel empowered to stand up for themselves, and not let a bully get to them.  We need to help our kids work through all the crazy things that happen at school, and that if they know we are always going to be on their side they will share what is happening.  Bullying will never stop, which is a sad reality, but we can stop our kids from feeling that the only way out is to kill themselves.