It’s Christmas! Or at least it will be in a couple of days.
This year my family will be starting what we hope will become a new tradition. Instead of spending it with a lot of extended family, we are going to enjoy Christmas with just the three of us. I was afraid of this at first. I thought we will be all alone, with no family. I thought we will be so sad. But something amazing happened. Instead of crying, I felt this amazing weight lift from my shoulders. I felt for the first time in my life that I was going to be alright. I realized that I am excited about this. Having a stress free Christmas is what is should be all about. I love the idea of the three of us sitting around playing with Zeb’s new toys, staying in our PJ’s for days and bonding. I love the idea of not fighting with anyone, or feeling that you have everyone else to please, and never really satisfying anyone. I love the idea that I only have two people to worry about, and they are so easily pleased. I hope in time we will be able to add some more to this tradition, maybe including others that might be without family during this time of year. I hope that we can raise Zeb with the idea that this is a warm, loving time of year. I hope that Zeb will grow up with only happy thoughts about his Christmas celebrations.
So much has changed, and so quickly. Once again I am faced with family that can’t recognize how they hurt others, and would rather die than admit to what they do to others. Why is saying you’re sorry is so hard.
I remember reading in the “Final Lecture” that there are three stages to saying you are sorry. Imagine that, it is never as simple as just saying you are sorry!! The first is to say you are sorry “I am sorry I pushed your child out of anger”. The second is to take responsibly, “I am sorry I pushed your child in anger, I was tired and needed to go to bed and he didn’t deserve that from me”. Third, try to make up to the injured party, “What can I do to make this up to you? What can I do so that you feel safe with me around your child again”? This three step procedure can be used with any action that you may need to apologize for. We all do things we are sorry for, that should not have happened, or that we wish we could take back. I know I have many times, but you know what. I am the first to say I have done wrong. I couldn’t sleep if I had hurt someone and did not make a sincere apology to them. I am blessed to have the people in my life, and I would never want to lose them over a mistake.
I did not get an apology for what happened to Zeb, or for what happened to me after I yelled at the person who hurt Zeb. What I got was the responsible party telling me it didn’t happen. I was told that I did not actually see this adult (my father) push my son so hard that he landed 3 to 4 feet away from where he was. I was told that Zeb was not telling the truth, and that the fact of the matter is that Zeb slipped on his socks and fell. I was also told that I owed my father an apology for writing what I did in my blog, as it was not true and that I only remember the bad. I am not saying anymore about this, as I know any reasonable person will understand that I do not need to.
What I have realized during all of this is that I need to stop going back to those who do things like this. I am way too old to deal with abusive people, and I for one am not interested in supporting the abuser by overlooking it. My whole life the abuser has been defended, and the victim left out to dry. Why is that? Seems our society needs to find fault with those who complain or want to shake the boat. That boat was built and driven by abusers, and we need to just shut up and take it, or get off the boat! I have heard more than one story recently about people who have done good things and been rewarded for that with bad behaviour!
Oprah makes a great point about childhood sexual assault. She says that society can’t decide if it’s wrong or right. Seems as a society it is wrong, as long as it happens to your child by a stranger......hang him!! If it is between your daughter and your husband, well slap his wrist cause I need him to bring home the bacon. If it happened 30 yrs ago, and you never mentioned it until you were an adult, well let’s just forget about it, because it’s been too long. Oh and if it happens between a brother and a sister, well I can’t choose one child over the other, so let’s forget it even happened, and if she can’t be in the same room as him, well she can just stay at home. This is why Oprah says we can’t decide if it’s wrong or right (or at least not as bad as the victim makes it sound). For me, someone who has been abused since I was a little girl, in so many ways, it’s all wrong. There is no grey area, and anyone who hurts someone else should be punished. Simple!! I didn’t do that for myself over the past 20 yrs. I keep going back for more, out of obligation, out of guilt. Seeing it happen to your child changes everything. You realize just how sick it is, and how none of it can be tolerated.
I am 43 yrs old. I have tried for 18 yrs to try to fix me, and my family. I have tried to get those who say they love me to actually put that word into action. I have tried to bring us closer by acknowledging our problems, and work together to fix them. I did not succeed. My brother won. He wanted my parents to himself since he was 5 yrs old (when I was born) and now he has it his way. I don’t want to fix it anymore. There is too much to fix. What I want to do is fix me, to do the work to move past all the garbage and be happy. I live with two people who love me, and put that word into action daily. I am lucky as so many people like me go out of the frying pan and into the fire. I was able to go from the frying pan into loving arms.
I am happy to stay here! I am happy, soon to be healthy and for the first time in my life I feel a weight off my shoulders. Everything happens for a reason, and although it was painful for Zeb to get pushed across the room, we are so much better off, and I am not sure I would have realized it if that didn’t happen. Thank you!!
Merry Christmas all!! May your days be merry and bright, and may the love in your life surround you like a blanket and keep you warm and safe!! Squeeze those you love, and don't let go!
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