Meet Joe Black

Gosh, it's been forever it seems since I have sat down and wrote a blog.  I don't know why, sometimes you just have to be in the mood and I haven't been lately.  I think it's time to get back to it.

For some reason I decided to watch "Meet Joe Black" the other day.  I have seen it before, back when if first came out, and surprisingly I had pretty much forgotten the whole story.  It's fun when you can watch an old movie and it seems all new again.  Maybe I'm showing my age a bit, the whole memory going thing, but still there you have it.

While watching it I thought, now wouldn't it be great if we all had a Joe Black in our lives.  You know, when the time comes some good looking hunk walks into our life, makes us comfortable with the idea of leaving the earth and having the opportunity to ready ourselves in all aspects of our life.  I know we can live our life in a way that if we were taken on the way home from work, all of the things have been said, all of the arrangements have been made and we have no regrets.  But is that really realistic?  I know that I try to live in the moment for the most part, but I know there is always loose ties in my life at any given moment.  There is always things that I could fix, try harder at, work out, or even just forgive, but for some reason I choose to put it off for another day. 

I know if Joe walked into my life I would spend a great deal of time making sure everyone else is going to be okay.  I'm sure there are things I would want people to know, things I know I have said but I would just want to be reassured that they truly understand me.  I would also do all that I can in the time left to ensure that those I loved were going to be okay with going on without me.  No, I am not so egotistical to think that people can't live without me, I know life will go on with or without me.  My hope would be that they not just go on, but excel at life knowing that I want them to be happy most of all.

I wish my dad had a Joe Black in his life..at the end.  I wish that he had acknowledged that he was nearing the end of his life, rapidly, and with that knowledge he used his time to finish up loose ends.  There were things I know he would have said and done if only he had accepted he was dying.  For me I wished for that final conversation, the one that you can have that may not fix everything, but acknowledge things and admit to what we could have done differently.  I hoped for that final goodbye that would make me finally realize that he did actually love me, that he was actually proud of me, and that he wasn't going to leave the earth without saying those things to me.  That conversation never happened.  I hoped for it, I prayed for it, but alas it wasn't to be. 

I would say to my mom, I hope he accepts what is to happen, I hope he hears what the minister is trying to say to him.  I wanted that for him, but more for me.  I know, selfish right, maybe, but nonetheless I still wanted it.

Life isn't a Hollywood movie...I know...even though I wish it was.  If only it were, gosh, it would be so much simpler.  Just think, if life were like a movie, everything would work out in the end.  The girl would always get the guy, and everyone would be happy.  But then life would be too predictable, too normal, too boring. 

I wish my dad had sat me down and had that talk I so wanted, but he didn't.  Nothing I can do about it now, or ever.  I do know this for sure, his presence has been in our life this year in so many recognizable ways.  I know he is looking out for me, for my family, and we acknowledge it on a fairly regular basis.  For me, and this is just how I feel, I think that what was left unsaid in those weeks and months leading up to his death have all been said now, not in words but in spirit.  I feel him, he guides us, he helps us, and he is there all the time.  That is worth more to me than that talk, than any words he could have said in his dying breath.  Knowing that he is now on my team is a great feeling, one I have never felt before.