It's difficult at times to not be bitter. Life has a sneaky way of doing that to you, if you let it. I have let it as of late, I don't know why, I have so much to not be bitter about, but yet I can be and have been.
Things that happen in life can, sometimes, make you hard, make you closed off, or bitter. I have experienced things that have changed me, unknowingly they have made me harder. I am just now realizing that...and I need to step back and re-evaluate things. I don't want to be this way, I was never like this before, ever, but now things about me have changed, life can be so hard sometimes.
I know, you should let people take away the good things about you, but sometimes that's harder than one would think. Things happen, things are said, and you start to question what are the good things about me. I had a friend once tell me that I did too much for her, that I was always there to help and that was too much (I brought her home made chicken soup when she was off work sick)....well, that's what I thought being a friend was, so after hearing how that was wrong I then start to guess what is friendship if it's not about being there. This same person told me that I was weak because I would cry, so I stopped crying when things made me sad.... ugh.
I am sad that these sorts of things can really change me, they do a real number on me. I know I shouldn't let it, but sometimes I can't help the feelings they create in me. Since ending that friendship I haven't been able to be a "real" friend with anyone, I keep my distance, I don't try too hard or let them get too close. I feel like it's better to have someone at a distance then someone too close that will eventually just change their mind and hurt me in the process. At the same time I feel this emptiness, but can't get myself to do what it takes to fill it. It takes a lot for me to ask you to do something with me, or to come to my house...you have to be someone really special to get that sort of invitation.
When I was young I had two really close friends. I could tell them anything, they appreciated me for who I was and didn't think there was anything wrong with me. They were my biggest supporters and were at my side through some of the most difficult times in my life. I had no idea that those would be the best "friend" years of my life. I really thought that these two friends would be with me forever....how things change. One of my friends died 22 yrs ago and the other sort of just drifted away over the last couple of years. I so wish the one who died was still here today. She struggled through so many of the same things my son is currently struggling through, I know the two of them would have helped each other. She knew what it was like to be left out, to be bullied, and to different than anyone else....my son sure could have learned so much from her.
I've been thinking about my friend a lot lately, what I wouldn't do to turn back time and try to do things differently so she could be here today. I have regrets in regards to that friendship, I could have done things differently, I could have talk to her more, or listened more. I could have put more on hold and been at her side more, maybe if I had done some of those things she would be here today with me. What I wouldn't give to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, I know she would not only listen to me but she would never spare my feelings to tell me the truth. She was the best at keeping me grounded and showing me where I was good rather than where I was bad (hard to find these days). I know she would have loved my son, and he would have loved her. I think she would have been here, not missing a thing... I wish she was here...but wishing doesn't do a body good now does it.
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