Happiness is, wrapping my little boy up in blankets straight out of the dryer and hearing him say, "awe this is the life".
Happiness is, watching my little boy ride down a hill in an inflattable sled on a sunny winters day, and seeing the smile on his face after he hits the ramp and fly's through the air.
Happiness is, laying on Zeb's bed and hearing him sing "Defining gravity" with everything he's got.
Happiness is, listening to Damie and Zeb talk about where babies come from while Damie is making dinner.
Happiness is, having Zeb crawl into bed with me on a cold winter's morning asking to snuggle closer and closer.
Happiness is, watching Zeb play with Brooklyn in the snow and hearing his laugh echo in my ears.
Happiness is, knowing Damie will be home any minute and not being able to stop glancing out the window for her to pull in.
Happiness is, giving Zeb a back massage every night and having him fall asleep in the middle of it.
Happiness is, eating right all day and feeling good about it, and myself.
Happiness is, hearing the phone ring and it being someone I was just thinking about.
Happiness is, crawling into bed on a cold night and finding my spot warmed up before I got there.
Happiness is, knowing my family is happy and safe.
Happiness is, having the whole house clean at the same time.
What makes you happy??
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 6
Well, it's been a crazy couple of days around the house. And no, I haven't blogged the last couple of day and I can assure you it has had nothing to do with have the new video game in the house heehee!!
I applied to a job last week, and let me start off by telling you about the application process. What you don't have to do these days to get an interview. Well, I saw this job on the job bank that caught my eye. Seemed like it was right up my ally, a little bit customer service, a little bit driving, a little bit warehouse work...all of things I know a lot about. Well, I go to their web site and I click that I would in deed like to apply for their advertised position. Well, right off the bat I knew I was in a bit of trouble when they said the "TEST" would take about an hour of your time and you had to keep going or else your answers would not be counted. In other words, turn the phones off and do it when the kid is not around or else you will FAIL FAIL FAIL!! I picked a good time of day to do it, and I began the test. Well, let me tell you I have no idea how I did cause I didn't finish the thing. They gave you 10 minutes to do 20 questions and I ran out of time after question 7. This went on and on, and I never did finish anything they timed me at. Then there was the 300 questions to determine you personality...you know the test. They ask the same five questions over and over just in a different way so that they can decide if you are a serial killer of something. I find the whole thing monotonous. I wish you could go somewhere, maybe a government facility and have the test taken, sort of like a passport, and then when someone asks you to do these tests you can just hand them your "official" personality test so that you don't have to keep doing these over and over. Well, I finished their 1 hr and 20 min test and sent off my results to their head office and I forgot all about it. Well if they didn't call me Thursday to set up an interview on Friday. I love that so much!! I hate it when companies call on Monday and say, "oh we are setting up interviews next week on Monday, Thursday and Friday and we would like to have you in, we have an opening on Friday at 4:15 would that work for you?" I can't stand that for two reasons. First I have to worry about the thing for more than a week and they are interviewing for three days and obviously I am so far down in the pile that I barely made it in before the final second of interviewing. I just felt so good about, can you come in a 3 tomorrow. You bet ya I will be there at three, and I was. I felt really good before the interview, not nervous at all. I wanted to feel good so that I would win them over with my pleasing personality :) heehee! The interview went well. You always know when it's going well when there is more than one person interviewing you and they are talking over each other to ask you questions. I love the idea of this job, it's only a few hours a week at first, but will in fact move to full time it is just the way they hire. Also, they are a global company and the idea of growing with them into new countries sounds wonderful to me. Damie and I would love to experience different countries with Zeb and working all over sure would be interesting. Anyway, they called before I could get home and did not leave a message so I am hoping on Monday I have good news!!!
Damie and I have been watching what we are eating for a while now, and we have decided to stop dieting. I am so sick of dieting. I have dieted my whole life and you wouldn't think I have dieted a day. Sad to say, but it is oh so true. What we have decided to do with our nutrition is to watch what is going into our mouths and make sure we are getting the biggest bang for our buck. To do that we have done some research and chosen our 15 super food foods. This list is:
1. Low fat or fat free yogurt or another dairy option like skim milk. This gives us lots of calcium and protein, as well as potassium.
2. Eggs - they have 12 vitamins
3. Nuts - one oz a day of any sort expect peanut.
4. Kiwi's
5. Quinoa
6. Beans - lentils
7. Salmon and any other fish with low mercury levels
8. Broccoli
9. Sweet potatoes
10. Berries of all sorts and colours
11. Green or black tea
12. Wheat grass
13. Tomatoes
14. Oats
15. Turkey
What we are doing is making sure we have at least 4 super foods a day, if not more, but also we do not limit our daily food intake to only super foods. There are more meats than turkey that we eat, but all in moderation and all organic. We are also eating a certain amount of calories daily (and this total is calculated by taking our total weight, then we determine our resting calorie use daily, which means how many calories do we use daily just to exist based on our weight, and then we reduce that number and that is what we eat.) Gone is the idea that all you can eat is 1200 calories a day if you are female, because that is not the number for all. That is a great number if you only have 20 lbs to lose, but Lord that is not me!!
A couple of years ago I decided that what I wanted was to have gastric by-pass surgery to fix my weight issues. I went to the Dr and got put on a waiting list for 6 months and then got called in to start the process, that was a year ago. I have spent the last year working the process which includes meeting with a dietitian, and social worker, a doctor, having loads of tests done and waiting your turn. I have done all that and still am not where I should be in my mind. I want to fix my weight issues, but to tell you the truth, ever since I put my name on that list for that surgery I have gained 30 lbs. I am beginning to think, it's not at all about how you do it, but rather than that you do do it!
This is just the beginning of a very long journey, but I will get there!
I applied to a job last week, and let me start off by telling you about the application process. What you don't have to do these days to get an interview. Well, I saw this job on the job bank that caught my eye. Seemed like it was right up my ally, a little bit customer service, a little bit driving, a little bit warehouse work...all of things I know a lot about. Well, I go to their web site and I click that I would in deed like to apply for their advertised position. Well, right off the bat I knew I was in a bit of trouble when they said the "TEST" would take about an hour of your time and you had to keep going or else your answers would not be counted. In other words, turn the phones off and do it when the kid is not around or else you will FAIL FAIL FAIL!! I picked a good time of day to do it, and I began the test. Well, let me tell you I have no idea how I did cause I didn't finish the thing. They gave you 10 minutes to do 20 questions and I ran out of time after question 7. This went on and on, and I never did finish anything they timed me at. Then there was the 300 questions to determine you personality...you know the test. They ask the same five questions over and over just in a different way so that they can decide if you are a serial killer of something. I find the whole thing monotonous. I wish you could go somewhere, maybe a government facility and have the test taken, sort of like a passport, and then when someone asks you to do these tests you can just hand them your "official" personality test so that you don't have to keep doing these over and over. Well, I finished their 1 hr and 20 min test and sent off my results to their head office and I forgot all about it. Well if they didn't call me Thursday to set up an interview on Friday. I love that so much!! I hate it when companies call on Monday and say, "oh we are setting up interviews next week on Monday, Thursday and Friday and we would like to have you in, we have an opening on Friday at 4:15 would that work for you?" I can't stand that for two reasons. First I have to worry about the thing for more than a week and they are interviewing for three days and obviously I am so far down in the pile that I barely made it in before the final second of interviewing. I just felt so good about, can you come in a 3 tomorrow. You bet ya I will be there at three, and I was. I felt really good before the interview, not nervous at all. I wanted to feel good so that I would win them over with my pleasing personality :) heehee! The interview went well. You always know when it's going well when there is more than one person interviewing you and they are talking over each other to ask you questions. I love the idea of this job, it's only a few hours a week at first, but will in fact move to full time it is just the way they hire. Also, they are a global company and the idea of growing with them into new countries sounds wonderful to me. Damie and I would love to experience different countries with Zeb and working all over sure would be interesting. Anyway, they called before I could get home and did not leave a message so I am hoping on Monday I have good news!!!
Damie and I have been watching what we are eating for a while now, and we have decided to stop dieting. I am so sick of dieting. I have dieted my whole life and you wouldn't think I have dieted a day. Sad to say, but it is oh so true. What we have decided to do with our nutrition is to watch what is going into our mouths and make sure we are getting the biggest bang for our buck. To do that we have done some research and chosen our 15 super food foods. This list is:
1. Low fat or fat free yogurt or another dairy option like skim milk. This gives us lots of calcium and protein, as well as potassium.
2. Eggs - they have 12 vitamins
3. Nuts - one oz a day of any sort expect peanut.
4. Kiwi's
5. Quinoa
6. Beans - lentils
7. Salmon and any other fish with low mercury levels
8. Broccoli
9. Sweet potatoes
10. Berries of all sorts and colours
11. Green or black tea
12. Wheat grass
13. Tomatoes
14. Oats
15. Turkey
What we are doing is making sure we have at least 4 super foods a day, if not more, but also we do not limit our daily food intake to only super foods. There are more meats than turkey that we eat, but all in moderation and all organic. We are also eating a certain amount of calories daily (and this total is calculated by taking our total weight, then we determine our resting calorie use daily, which means how many calories do we use daily just to exist based on our weight, and then we reduce that number and that is what we eat.) Gone is the idea that all you can eat is 1200 calories a day if you are female, because that is not the number for all. That is a great number if you only have 20 lbs to lose, but Lord that is not me!!
A couple of years ago I decided that what I wanted was to have gastric by-pass surgery to fix my weight issues. I went to the Dr and got put on a waiting list for 6 months and then got called in to start the process, that was a year ago. I have spent the last year working the process which includes meeting with a dietitian, and social worker, a doctor, having loads of tests done and waiting your turn. I have done all that and still am not where I should be in my mind. I want to fix my weight issues, but to tell you the truth, ever since I put my name on that list for that surgery I have gained 30 lbs. I am beginning to think, it's not at all about how you do it, but rather than that you do do it!
This is just the beginning of a very long journey, but I will get there!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
4th Day!
I didn't blog yesterday because the time just got ahead of me. Our family entered, what many of you parents will understand, the world of Skylanders. Yes, we caved and gave in!! Now we are officially giving our kid the kid form of crack. This game is crazy, and addictive, and expensive and I have to admit a whole lot of fun. For those of you out there that may not know what the game is, well the easiest way for me to explain it is to say, you play a game like Mario galaxy but it's a futuristic village that floats in the middle of the sky. The land has been taken over by these mean awful creatures and you, along with all your skylander friends help win it all back. You have various Skylanders figures (all of which do different things in the game, eg. some are magical, some are for water etc. hence the financial investment as they all cost around 10 bucks, and yes you do have to give into your kid and buy them all....well at least get him started) and you go through the game using different figures to defeat the evil doers!! So, because of the new skylanders game, and the fact that I got a new book I just ran out of time to blog.
Other than the new game and the new book yesterday was really uneventful. My therapist's appointment was cancelled due to illness so I pretty much had the day free. I went shopping a bit (I guess you kind of guessed when I mentioned the new game and book). I did a crap load of laundry, since the washing machine is finally fixed and I had laundry piling up since Friday. And I got some cleaning done since the dog is still in heat and dropping tiny droplets of blood everywhere. It is just so gross, and Zeb does not get it at all. He just doesn't understand why we can't take her to the vet or at the very least put a bandage on it. Of course we have tried to explain what "heat" means, but I don't think he is quite there yet to really grasp the concept. Oh well, it will all be over soon.
I heard a really interesting quote yesterday, and it really spoke to me. The quote was "you can accept or reject the way you're treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, work, cigarettes, sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life."—Iyanla Vanzant. This spoke to me for so many reasons.
Over the course of the last few years I have read, seen and heard people say things like; the past is the past, let it go, tomorrow is your future and today is your present, forget the past, don't worry about tomorrow, live for today etc.etc. Blah blah blah. This is such shit I can't contain myself. I as so sick of hearing the idea of forgetting about the past just makes it go away, well it doesn't. IT DOESN'T. What happens if you don't deal with the things that happened in your past is you push it down, try to forget it, but eventually it destroys every good thing about you. Iyanla Vanzant has it right, finally someone who actually gets it.
For me, all the things that were done to me in my childhood and even early adulthood effects me in so many ways. It comes into play with every relationship I have, whether it be with Zeb or Damie or friends or extended family or sometimes even with the teachers and administration at Zeb's school. I never really realized just how much impact it was having on my relationships until a couple of years ago when I lost a good friend and I started to look at why I was the way I was. It was then that I realized, I don't trust people, I think I have to buy them to keep them, I think that if I am not everything to everyone no one will be moved to be around me. I have thought that people just are out to hurt you, and it's just a matter of time for them to do it, and don't believe them when they tell you they care, because they really don't they just like all the things you can do for them. These are all thoughts and feeling that I have that come straight out of the things that happened to me as a kid. Do I need to dwell on those things, no, but I do have to understand why those things still impact me so enormously now. I need to change the way I feel about myself and others. and I certainly need to change the way I trust, and deal with others.
A good friend of mine went through a very bad time when I was in my twenties, and through her I found the courage and the strength to seek help with my feeling from my childhood. I started out by talking to my family Dr. who had me to see a psychologist, who I have to say did nothing for me. I ended up finding another family Dr. who really got it, and found me a social worker who helped me through the discovery phase. That is what I refer to my therapy in my twenties, the discovery phase. It was a time that I told my story to everyone, I told my parents, I told my friends and I worked thought the shame and guilt. What I didn't do was work thorough my feelings. I didn't express my feeling about it, or how it felt to be who I was, I just pushed it all down. Now I have entered the light phase, this is where I want to shed the light on all those feelings and get them out. I want to move thorough all the pain from my childhood and then maybe if I am really lucky I will come out the other side better. And this is where I am.
I look forward to all that I have to discover, and turning off all the noise is sure helping!
Cheers!
Other than the new game and the new book yesterday was really uneventful. My therapist's appointment was cancelled due to illness so I pretty much had the day free. I went shopping a bit (I guess you kind of guessed when I mentioned the new game and book). I did a crap load of laundry, since the washing machine is finally fixed and I had laundry piling up since Friday. And I got some cleaning done since the dog is still in heat and dropping tiny droplets of blood everywhere. It is just so gross, and Zeb does not get it at all. He just doesn't understand why we can't take her to the vet or at the very least put a bandage on it. Of course we have tried to explain what "heat" means, but I don't think he is quite there yet to really grasp the concept. Oh well, it will all be over soon.
I heard a really interesting quote yesterday, and it really spoke to me. The quote was "you can accept or reject the way you're treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, work, cigarettes, sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life."—Iyanla Vanzant. This spoke to me for so many reasons.
Over the course of the last few years I have read, seen and heard people say things like; the past is the past, let it go, tomorrow is your future and today is your present, forget the past, don't worry about tomorrow, live for today etc.etc. Blah blah blah. This is such shit I can't contain myself. I as so sick of hearing the idea of forgetting about the past just makes it go away, well it doesn't. IT DOESN'T. What happens if you don't deal with the things that happened in your past is you push it down, try to forget it, but eventually it destroys every good thing about you. Iyanla Vanzant has it right, finally someone who actually gets it.
For me, all the things that were done to me in my childhood and even early adulthood effects me in so many ways. It comes into play with every relationship I have, whether it be with Zeb or Damie or friends or extended family or sometimes even with the teachers and administration at Zeb's school. I never really realized just how much impact it was having on my relationships until a couple of years ago when I lost a good friend and I started to look at why I was the way I was. It was then that I realized, I don't trust people, I think I have to buy them to keep them, I think that if I am not everything to everyone no one will be moved to be around me. I have thought that people just are out to hurt you, and it's just a matter of time for them to do it, and don't believe them when they tell you they care, because they really don't they just like all the things you can do for them. These are all thoughts and feeling that I have that come straight out of the things that happened to me as a kid. Do I need to dwell on those things, no, but I do have to understand why those things still impact me so enormously now. I need to change the way I feel about myself and others. and I certainly need to change the way I trust, and deal with others.
A good friend of mine went through a very bad time when I was in my twenties, and through her I found the courage and the strength to seek help with my feeling from my childhood. I started out by talking to my family Dr. who had me to see a psychologist, who I have to say did nothing for me. I ended up finding another family Dr. who really got it, and found me a social worker who helped me through the discovery phase. That is what I refer to my therapy in my twenties, the discovery phase. It was a time that I told my story to everyone, I told my parents, I told my friends and I worked thought the shame and guilt. What I didn't do was work thorough my feelings. I didn't express my feeling about it, or how it felt to be who I was, I just pushed it all down. Now I have entered the light phase, this is where I want to shed the light on all those feelings and get them out. I want to move thorough all the pain from my childhood and then maybe if I am really lucky I will come out the other side better. And this is where I am.
I look forward to all that I have to discover, and turning off all the noise is sure helping!
Cheers!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
2nd day and I am still alive!!
I can't believe how much more time I have when I am not on the computer all day, or watching TV. It's really quite astonishing.
I have to start off with a bit of a rant! Last night we had to drop my car off at the repair shop in LaSalle. This shop is wonderful, it is run by two semi-retired men who just enjoy the work and not ripping off their customers. I can't tell you how many times we have taken the vehicles in and they have done this or that at no charge. Sweet men!! As long as they are doing what they are doing I will be going there even if it is a bit out of my way. Anyway, back to my rant. Since Damie drives past this place every night on her way home from work she said to me "why don't you meet me there around 6:30" and I agreed as long as the washing machine guy was gone in time for me to get there, otherwise I said if I am not there I couldn't make it at 6:30 so just come home. Well we were lucky and the guy finished with lots of time to get there by 6:30 so off Zeb and I went. We arrived at 6:25 and there was no sign of Damie so we got comfortable (comfortable means I let Zeb climb up into the front seat and snuggle with me). 5 mins pass, no Damie. 10 mins pass, no Damie. 10 more minutes pass and here comes Damie from the wrong direction. She gets out the van and I get out of the car and I say "where were you coming from?' and she replies "from home" I could feel the heat enter my neck and travel up to my mouth and then I couldn't stop myself and I said very loudly "Why the hell are you coming from home, Zeb and I have been here since 6:25 and the deal was 6:30". Her reply was "was I went by at 6:18 and thought I would see you on the road and head back." OH NOW I AM REALLY ANGRY!!! Why does she do these things??? She didn't want to wait 7 mins to see if I showed, NO, she would rather I wait with a hungry 7 yr old for 25 mins. Things like this drive me bonkers!!! Okay, so I am done with the rant, I forgave her and made her swear she would never do anything like that again!!
We all started the day off the same, only it was alot harder to get Zeb up. He did not want to get out of bed, and even after Damie carried him to the kitchen table he still put his head down and kept asking to go back to bed. I was a little worried about sending my sleepy boy off to school, but we did.
Breakfast was one scrambled egg, yogurt with some Ezekiel cereal and blueberries mixed in. I have to tell you that is a great way to eat yogurt and I like yogurt. I had pineapple chamomile tea, along with my vitamins and today Damie and I shared a serving of the wheat grass. Yesterday we both had explosions and decided maybe we better ease into the wheat grass. I hate to admit it, but I got it down a little easier today than yesterday. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I could down it in two drinks.
I waited patiently for the washing machine repair man to show up all day just to have him call at 5 and say he wouldn't be there till 6:30. What repair man shows up at 6:30??? What a waste of a day. My car was in the shop anyway, so I couldn't have gone anywhere, but I couldn't even go for a walk. AS for the car, now when it rains it pours. 205.00 on the washing machine and now some sort of important sensor has gone on the car and that will be another 200 dollars more. It would have been more like 300 dollars but Damie found the part in the states for 50 dollars less and then when you lower the tax as well the part is much cheaper and I love cheaper!!! So much for getting a message next week with the baby bonus!! Ownership can really suck sometimes.
I had a lovely shrimp quesadilla today. Damie read someplace yesterday that if you add tomato's and olive oil to your stir fry the nutrients are absorbed into the body better. So today, I cooked my veggies in a little olive oil and cut up some cherry tomato's and put them in too. It was soooo good I think I will have it again tomorrow.
Tonight we had a lovely 13 bean soup, and some cut up dragon fruit. It was all every yummy. If you haven't tried dragon fruit you should, it is quite refreshing and very satisfying.
As for the me time, and getting things done for me. Well I guess I am not exactly on that band wagon yet. I still meander around the house doing chores, and not really focusing on me. I think Thursday will be better, mostly because I will have the whole day to myself. Tomorrow I have my first therapist appointment of the New Year and that sort of breaks the day up, but Thursday I have the whole day to myself with no repairmen coming, and no cars to be fixed. I will keep you posted on how that goes.
Now for the TV. Last night we watched the premiere of Shameless, and wow do I love that show. I think it is the first show in years where I can't wait for the next week. If you haven't seen it you really should give it a try, it is quite shameless, and a little raunchy from time to time, but the acting is outstanding and the storyline is so unique. It is refreshing to see a family on TV who don't live in million dollar houses and have wonderful pay cheques and cars. Finally back to real life, makes me miss the Rosanne show. Tonight's TV will be Parenthood, another good show, but a bit to much over talk. I do love it though. I can tell you, I am not missing TV much at all!!
Peace out!!
I have to start off with a bit of a rant! Last night we had to drop my car off at the repair shop in LaSalle. This shop is wonderful, it is run by two semi-retired men who just enjoy the work and not ripping off their customers. I can't tell you how many times we have taken the vehicles in and they have done this or that at no charge. Sweet men!! As long as they are doing what they are doing I will be going there even if it is a bit out of my way. Anyway, back to my rant. Since Damie drives past this place every night on her way home from work she said to me "why don't you meet me there around 6:30" and I agreed as long as the washing machine guy was gone in time for me to get there, otherwise I said if I am not there I couldn't make it at 6:30 so just come home. Well we were lucky and the guy finished with lots of time to get there by 6:30 so off Zeb and I went. We arrived at 6:25 and there was no sign of Damie so we got comfortable (comfortable means I let Zeb climb up into the front seat and snuggle with me). 5 mins pass, no Damie. 10 mins pass, no Damie. 10 more minutes pass and here comes Damie from the wrong direction. She gets out the van and I get out of the car and I say "where were you coming from?' and she replies "from home" I could feel the heat enter my neck and travel up to my mouth and then I couldn't stop myself and I said very loudly "Why the hell are you coming from home, Zeb and I have been here since 6:25 and the deal was 6:30". Her reply was "was I went by at 6:18 and thought I would see you on the road and head back." OH NOW I AM REALLY ANGRY!!! Why does she do these things??? She didn't want to wait 7 mins to see if I showed, NO, she would rather I wait with a hungry 7 yr old for 25 mins. Things like this drive me bonkers!!! Okay, so I am done with the rant, I forgave her and made her swear she would never do anything like that again!!
We all started the day off the same, only it was alot harder to get Zeb up. He did not want to get out of bed, and even after Damie carried him to the kitchen table he still put his head down and kept asking to go back to bed. I was a little worried about sending my sleepy boy off to school, but we did.
Breakfast was one scrambled egg, yogurt with some Ezekiel cereal and blueberries mixed in. I have to tell you that is a great way to eat yogurt and I like yogurt. I had pineapple chamomile tea, along with my vitamins and today Damie and I shared a serving of the wheat grass. Yesterday we both had explosions and decided maybe we better ease into the wheat grass. I hate to admit it, but I got it down a little easier today than yesterday. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I could down it in two drinks.
I waited patiently for the washing machine repair man to show up all day just to have him call at 5 and say he wouldn't be there till 6:30. What repair man shows up at 6:30??? What a waste of a day. My car was in the shop anyway, so I couldn't have gone anywhere, but I couldn't even go for a walk. AS for the car, now when it rains it pours. 205.00 on the washing machine and now some sort of important sensor has gone on the car and that will be another 200 dollars more. It would have been more like 300 dollars but Damie found the part in the states for 50 dollars less and then when you lower the tax as well the part is much cheaper and I love cheaper!!! So much for getting a message next week with the baby bonus!! Ownership can really suck sometimes.
I had a lovely shrimp quesadilla today. Damie read someplace yesterday that if you add tomato's and olive oil to your stir fry the nutrients are absorbed into the body better. So today, I cooked my veggies in a little olive oil and cut up some cherry tomato's and put them in too. It was soooo good I think I will have it again tomorrow.
Tonight we had a lovely 13 bean soup, and some cut up dragon fruit. It was all every yummy. If you haven't tried dragon fruit you should, it is quite refreshing and very satisfying.
As for the me time, and getting things done for me. Well I guess I am not exactly on that band wagon yet. I still meander around the house doing chores, and not really focusing on me. I think Thursday will be better, mostly because I will have the whole day to myself. Tomorrow I have my first therapist appointment of the New Year and that sort of breaks the day up, but Thursday I have the whole day to myself with no repairmen coming, and no cars to be fixed. I will keep you posted on how that goes.
Now for the TV. Last night we watched the premiere of Shameless, and wow do I love that show. I think it is the first show in years where I can't wait for the next week. If you haven't seen it you really should give it a try, it is quite shameless, and a little raunchy from time to time, but the acting is outstanding and the storyline is so unique. It is refreshing to see a family on TV who don't live in million dollar houses and have wonderful pay cheques and cars. Finally back to real life, makes me miss the Rosanne show. Tonight's TV will be Parenthood, another good show, but a bit to much over talk. I do love it though. I can tell you, I am not missing TV much at all!!
Peace out!!
Monday, January 9, 2012
1st day of 39
Today was the first day of my "Change my life in 2012" commitment! Yeah, well sort of I suppose!
I am totally glad that we are actually giving it a try, but I am hurting a little.
This morning we all woke up, well Damie woke up first to make our breakfasts, but we all woke up at 6:20 a.m. and started our morning. The table was set, and all our Dixie cups were beside our places ready for us to start our new routine. Those Dixie cups contain all the new pills, and chewables we are now going to have every morning. Two capsules of fish oil, which by the way I burped up for at least an hour, two chewable multi vitamins, and two capsules of green tea extract. Zeb's also included his ADHD meds, but other than that his was the same as ours. I have to say, those frigging fish pills have to go, who the hell wants to burp fish when you haven't even eaten fish, and don't like the taste of to start with. I like some fish, but I never chose the fishy tasting fish.....I think it comes from way too much time spent on lake Huron as a child and the smell of dead fish every few feet, GROSS!
Breakfast consisted of 3/4 cups of steel cut oats, which we all love. I love red river cereal, which I will have from time to time, but steel cut oats is a very close second. Along with our oats we had 1/3rd of a banana and 1/3rd of an orange. Zeb is not at all fond of citrus, nor am I but I downed my vitamin D laced orange pieces, but we had to convince Zeb he wouldn't die trying it. He bit it in half and took one taste and then swallowed that piece whole....down the hatch just like the fish pill!! He didn't choke, but man I was surprised he didn't. No convincing from us could get the second half of the orange anywhere near his mouth....nope that sucker got thrown into the garbage. To drink Damie and I had an nice herbal tea, mine was a pineapple chamomile, and I am not sure what hers was. Along with the tea we had another drink sitting at our plates.....it was a new cup, filled with brownish green stuff. Damie told me it was a nice new healthy juice, but I didn't believe it was an sort of juice...more of a potion maybe. It did not look like anything I really wanted to drink. I smelled it first. It sort of smelled like cut grass a couple of day after you have cut it, but there was something else there, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was.
Now I have to say, I am not a picky eater in any way. Damie does not eat anything green unless it is an avocado or celery. She will not eat fish, unless I can convince her that it does not taste fishy. She is one of those people who put their food on their plate in separate area's an nothing shall mix....unless it is roast and gravy with mashed potatoes and then all of a sudden all of that can mix. Anything else must keep to their area's and each will be eaten one at a time, no putting a piece of meat in to chew followed by some corn, followed by some potato, nope nothing doing as far as she is concerned. I, on the other hand love my food mixing, I enjoy dipping my mashed potatoes into my corn and sticking it all in my mouth. I am not at all picky, but who wants to drink something that tastes like two day old grass I ask you???
So I knew I had to do it, so I start by drinking as much as I can without stopping cause I know once you stop then you really get the taste and you may never get yourself back to it so you better get as much down as humanly possible before your gage reflex steps in and stops the party!! Well, it wasn't so bad. It did have that day or two old grass cut taste, not that I have actually tasted two day old grass but it is what I think it would taste like, but not only did it have that taste, there was something else in there. I didn't really get the taste right off, but there was something lingering in the back of my mouth that I just couldn't make out. Well onto the second drink, doing the same as before, getting as much down as I could get in one drink. And there it was, just as I was going to go for a breath I know what it was. Not only did the stuff taste like two day old grass, but it tasted like a dead fish had been rolling into that two day old grass.....I couldn't reach for my tea fast enough.....just in time!!! I know my face puckered, I know I looked green around the gills, but I hid it. I couldn't let on like it was terrible or else Damie would know and then I wouldn't have the pleasure of watching Miss picky give it a whirl. I waited, and waited and then there it was, Damie's first sip. She swallows, and smiles and says "boy that stuff isn't bad, not bad at all". Damn, I am stuck now. If Damie didn't gag we will have to have it every day now. boohoo!!!
Well it wasn't long until Damie and Zeb were off to work sand school and I was home alone with the dog. I allowed myself some talk radio while I cleaned up the kitchen and cleaned the laundry room but other than that and a sending a few emails off to Damie during the day that was the limit to my electronic use. I enjoyed my day for the most part, but boy was I tired. That is how my body reacts to not having any caffeine, but other than that I have felt pretty good. I did a little journaling, some puzzles and I even started a new book. The only down part of today was waiting to have the appliance Dr come and look at my dead washing machine and the fact that my 13 month old goldendoodle is in heat and bleeding all over my floor. I can't tell you how many times I have mopped today, and I am sure the same will be said for tomorrow. Tomorrow I plan on actually getting some work done around the place, but today I just wanted a day where I didn't have to do anything. Tomorrow looks like it is going to be similar as the Dr is back to fix the washing machine, and the dog will still be dripping, but having quiet is a very nice thing!
I think this 39 day should prove to be quite interesting!!
I am totally glad that we are actually giving it a try, but I am hurting a little.
This morning we all woke up, well Damie woke up first to make our breakfasts, but we all woke up at 6:20 a.m. and started our morning. The table was set, and all our Dixie cups were beside our places ready for us to start our new routine. Those Dixie cups contain all the new pills, and chewables we are now going to have every morning. Two capsules of fish oil, which by the way I burped up for at least an hour, two chewable multi vitamins, and two capsules of green tea extract. Zeb's also included his ADHD meds, but other than that his was the same as ours. I have to say, those frigging fish pills have to go, who the hell wants to burp fish when you haven't even eaten fish, and don't like the taste of to start with. I like some fish, but I never chose the fishy tasting fish.....I think it comes from way too much time spent on lake Huron as a child and the smell of dead fish every few feet, GROSS!
Breakfast consisted of 3/4 cups of steel cut oats, which we all love. I love red river cereal, which I will have from time to time, but steel cut oats is a very close second. Along with our oats we had 1/3rd of a banana and 1/3rd of an orange. Zeb is not at all fond of citrus, nor am I but I downed my vitamin D laced orange pieces, but we had to convince Zeb he wouldn't die trying it. He bit it in half and took one taste and then swallowed that piece whole....down the hatch just like the fish pill!! He didn't choke, but man I was surprised he didn't. No convincing from us could get the second half of the orange anywhere near his mouth....nope that sucker got thrown into the garbage. To drink Damie and I had an nice herbal tea, mine was a pineapple chamomile, and I am not sure what hers was. Along with the tea we had another drink sitting at our plates.....it was a new cup, filled with brownish green stuff. Damie told me it was a nice new healthy juice, but I didn't believe it was an sort of juice...more of a potion maybe. It did not look like anything I really wanted to drink. I smelled it first. It sort of smelled like cut grass a couple of day after you have cut it, but there was something else there, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was.
Now I have to say, I am not a picky eater in any way. Damie does not eat anything green unless it is an avocado or celery. She will not eat fish, unless I can convince her that it does not taste fishy. She is one of those people who put their food on their plate in separate area's an nothing shall mix....unless it is roast and gravy with mashed potatoes and then all of a sudden all of that can mix. Anything else must keep to their area's and each will be eaten one at a time, no putting a piece of meat in to chew followed by some corn, followed by some potato, nope nothing doing as far as she is concerned. I, on the other hand love my food mixing, I enjoy dipping my mashed potatoes into my corn and sticking it all in my mouth. I am not at all picky, but who wants to drink something that tastes like two day old grass I ask you???
So I knew I had to do it, so I start by drinking as much as I can without stopping cause I know once you stop then you really get the taste and you may never get yourself back to it so you better get as much down as humanly possible before your gage reflex steps in and stops the party!! Well, it wasn't so bad. It did have that day or two old grass cut taste, not that I have actually tasted two day old grass but it is what I think it would taste like, but not only did it have that taste, there was something else in there. I didn't really get the taste right off, but there was something lingering in the back of my mouth that I just couldn't make out. Well onto the second drink, doing the same as before, getting as much down as I could get in one drink. And there it was, just as I was going to go for a breath I know what it was. Not only did the stuff taste like two day old grass, but it tasted like a dead fish had been rolling into that two day old grass.....I couldn't reach for my tea fast enough.....just in time!!! I know my face puckered, I know I looked green around the gills, but I hid it. I couldn't let on like it was terrible or else Damie would know and then I wouldn't have the pleasure of watching Miss picky give it a whirl. I waited, and waited and then there it was, Damie's first sip. She swallows, and smiles and says "boy that stuff isn't bad, not bad at all". Damn, I am stuck now. If Damie didn't gag we will have to have it every day now. boohoo!!!
Well it wasn't long until Damie and Zeb were off to work sand school and I was home alone with the dog. I allowed myself some talk radio while I cleaned up the kitchen and cleaned the laundry room but other than that and a sending a few emails off to Damie during the day that was the limit to my electronic use. I enjoyed my day for the most part, but boy was I tired. That is how my body reacts to not having any caffeine, but other than that I have felt pretty good. I did a little journaling, some puzzles and I even started a new book. The only down part of today was waiting to have the appliance Dr come and look at my dead washing machine and the fact that my 13 month old goldendoodle is in heat and bleeding all over my floor. I can't tell you how many times I have mopped today, and I am sure the same will be said for tomorrow. Tomorrow I plan on actually getting some work done around the place, but today I just wanted a day where I didn't have to do anything. Tomorrow looks like it is going to be similar as the Dr is back to fix the washing machine, and the dog will still be dripping, but having quiet is a very nice thing!
I think this 39 day should prove to be quite interesting!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Years Eve 2011
A few years ago, my family and I started a new tradition on New Years Eve. We all sit down and write down what we think will happen in the next year, and the next five years on a piece of paper. We then put those pieces of paper into an envelope to only be opened on their corresponding years. On New Years Day we open the predictions and in most cases, we laugh alot cause what we thought would happen ends up being so far from what actually happened. It's a lot of fun, and I think will become more interesting once Zeb is really old enough to take full advantage of his predictions.
2011 brought about some real changes in our lives. Some good, some not so good, some we thought would be good but turned out not to be as good as we hoped. We moved from the only home Zeb had ever known to a different home. He started school in his old school but moved to a new one a month later. Damie started a new job, well, she started doing what she has always been doing just for another company. As for me, I have tried to keep up with the changes, spending most of my time this year getting ready for a move, and then settling after the move.
At the end of 2010 I was not speaking to my parents. They were not in Canada over Christmas or New Years so I was able to spend that time with my family and found that it created a great deal less stress in our lives and we had a more relaxed holiday! Now we are at the end of 2011 and both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer, one with terminal and the other with the worst kind of melanoma that you can get, we are currently waiting on the results from the biopsy to see if it has travelled to her lymph nodes. We know that 2012 will bring loss to us, but at this point we are just not sure how much. We are keeping our fingers crossed!
2011 has brought me some of the darkest moments in my life, but nothing I can't recover from. I have returned to therapy, with a wonderful therapist I just happened to stumble on. With her help I hope to rid myself of some of the demons that still lie inside me, and maybe even work out a way to accept myself, flaws and all. I hope that with her help I can become a better mother to Zeb, learning to be kinder, softer, more present in his life. I hope that with her help I can become a stronger, more capable woman.
I turned 44 in 2011! Everyone says (okay, maybe not everyone but Oprah says) that you discover things about yourself in your 40's that change your perspective of who you are, who you want to be, and how you see your world. I think that is exactly what I have been going through. I need a new perspective, cause the one I have right now is a bit more darker than I would like. I have a hard time looking at the future as being something good, but rather one of instability and fear. I also need to forgive myself for things that I have held in my heart, but shouldn't have ever felt guilt about. And I need to shut off all the noise.
What I have found over the course of the last couple of years is all the noise that enters my head every day. From facebook to news, to gaming machines to having the TV on every waking moment! I have stopped thinking deeply at all, instead I divert my attention to something else. The noise distracts me from the things I really need to focus on, I use it so that I don't have to go to the places I need to work on. I think we all do to some extent. I have to figure out what it's like to just be in my own feelings, and thoughts. I have to figure out what it's like to not have constant stimulation....that drowns me!!!
Because of this noise issue, I have decided to turn it all off. I am going to allow myself one hour of television a day, no computer time except blogging daily, and no other sources of media. I am going to try to live my daily life doing the have too's (like laundry, cleaning etc.) in the A.M. and in the P.M. doing only things I love to do, things I never seem to get too because I get so wrapped up in the have too's that I never do any like too's. I am going to concentrate on doing things like walking the dog twice a day, and then also walking for myself three or four times a week (by for myself I mean with walking sticks and going at my own pace and not having to deal with a barking, sniffing, pooping dog) I am going to try to clear my mind through meditation, and work on shutting it all off. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to find balance. I am going to make sure every single piece of food going into my mouth serves a purpose, instead of only serving pleasure. I need to re look at food, and see it as something I need to live, not something I live for. I am going to treat it like medication, instead of as entertainment. Instead of sitting down at eight o'clock to zone out and watch TV, I am going to enjoy kid free time with my partner. I am going to sit down with her and talk, instead of just mindlessly going through the evening. I am looking forward to all of this.
I am determined to make 2012 different. I want to succeed at this, as finishing a project lately has become very difficult for me. I want to make me different, and then maybe we will all become a little different. I think sometimes we kind of fall into the same old dull routine, and I really need to shake that routine up a bit. It has become abundantly obvious that life really is so short. I need to maximize my time here, to live every moment like it's my last, and above all make sure I fill Zeb with memories that stay with him forever.
My wish for all of you in 2012 is that you two will find peace, fulfillment, and joy!! I hope all of you can discover that person inside you that is so eager to come out but up to this point you just haven't had the time to open the cage. I hope you all are happy most of all, and that in that happiness you change your world. If we all were just happier, gosh would the world be a much better place to wake up to??
Here's to 2011, you were good to me, but I am sooo done with you Cheers!!
2012, I hope you are a more gentle year, bring me more peace, happiness and love!
2011 brought about some real changes in our lives. Some good, some not so good, some we thought would be good but turned out not to be as good as we hoped. We moved from the only home Zeb had ever known to a different home. He started school in his old school but moved to a new one a month later. Damie started a new job, well, she started doing what she has always been doing just for another company. As for me, I have tried to keep up with the changes, spending most of my time this year getting ready for a move, and then settling after the move.
At the end of 2010 I was not speaking to my parents. They were not in Canada over Christmas or New Years so I was able to spend that time with my family and found that it created a great deal less stress in our lives and we had a more relaxed holiday! Now we are at the end of 2011 and both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer, one with terminal and the other with the worst kind of melanoma that you can get, we are currently waiting on the results from the biopsy to see if it has travelled to her lymph nodes. We know that 2012 will bring loss to us, but at this point we are just not sure how much. We are keeping our fingers crossed!
2011 has brought me some of the darkest moments in my life, but nothing I can't recover from. I have returned to therapy, with a wonderful therapist I just happened to stumble on. With her help I hope to rid myself of some of the demons that still lie inside me, and maybe even work out a way to accept myself, flaws and all. I hope that with her help I can become a better mother to Zeb, learning to be kinder, softer, more present in his life. I hope that with her help I can become a stronger, more capable woman.
I turned 44 in 2011! Everyone says (okay, maybe not everyone but Oprah says) that you discover things about yourself in your 40's that change your perspective of who you are, who you want to be, and how you see your world. I think that is exactly what I have been going through. I need a new perspective, cause the one I have right now is a bit more darker than I would like. I have a hard time looking at the future as being something good, but rather one of instability and fear. I also need to forgive myself for things that I have held in my heart, but shouldn't have ever felt guilt about. And I need to shut off all the noise.
What I have found over the course of the last couple of years is all the noise that enters my head every day. From facebook to news, to gaming machines to having the TV on every waking moment! I have stopped thinking deeply at all, instead I divert my attention to something else. The noise distracts me from the things I really need to focus on, I use it so that I don't have to go to the places I need to work on. I think we all do to some extent. I have to figure out what it's like to just be in my own feelings, and thoughts. I have to figure out what it's like to not have constant stimulation....that drowns me!!!
Because of this noise issue, I have decided to turn it all off. I am going to allow myself one hour of television a day, no computer time except blogging daily, and no other sources of media. I am going to try to live my daily life doing the have too's (like laundry, cleaning etc.) in the A.M. and in the P.M. doing only things I love to do, things I never seem to get too because I get so wrapped up in the have too's that I never do any like too's. I am going to concentrate on doing things like walking the dog twice a day, and then also walking for myself three or four times a week (by for myself I mean with walking sticks and going at my own pace and not having to deal with a barking, sniffing, pooping dog) I am going to try to clear my mind through meditation, and work on shutting it all off. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to find balance. I am going to make sure every single piece of food going into my mouth serves a purpose, instead of only serving pleasure. I need to re look at food, and see it as something I need to live, not something I live for. I am going to treat it like medication, instead of as entertainment. Instead of sitting down at eight o'clock to zone out and watch TV, I am going to enjoy kid free time with my partner. I am going to sit down with her and talk, instead of just mindlessly going through the evening. I am looking forward to all of this.
I am determined to make 2012 different. I want to succeed at this, as finishing a project lately has become very difficult for me. I want to make me different, and then maybe we will all become a little different. I think sometimes we kind of fall into the same old dull routine, and I really need to shake that routine up a bit. It has become abundantly obvious that life really is so short. I need to maximize my time here, to live every moment like it's my last, and above all make sure I fill Zeb with memories that stay with him forever.
My wish for all of you in 2012 is that you two will find peace, fulfillment, and joy!! I hope all of you can discover that person inside you that is so eager to come out but up to this point you just haven't had the time to open the cage. I hope you all are happy most of all, and that in that happiness you change your world. If we all were just happier, gosh would the world be a much better place to wake up to??
Here's to 2011, you were good to me, but I am sooo done with you Cheers!!
2012, I hope you are a more gentle year, bring me more peace, happiness and love!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It's funny how things work!
It's funny how things work. We grow up, move out, start a career, get married, start a family, all the while getting older, but never really noticing how our parents are aging. For some reason I have just always seen my parents as this age, and to be quite honest have never really thought they wouldn't just keep on doing what they are doing forever. We take it all for granted, never really thinking about how limited they are until something happens and your realize you parents really aren't going to be here forever. This realization has happened for me and my family over the course of the last couple of months.
In September my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It is in his lungs, spine and blood, and because he has had a very compromised heart for the last 20 yrs, they are not offering any treatment. The plan is to make sure he is as comfortable as they can make him, and hope that the doesn't suffer more than necessary.
In the last two months I have watched him go from the dad I have always known, to this frail, weak, defeated man. He is in pain more than he isn't, he now has to use a walker to make it to the bathroom, and he sleeps more of the day away than he is awake. Because the drugs make him not hungry he doesn't eat more than 400 calories a day, and is wasting away. The man I once thought of as superman as a child is now a tiny little man. I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes, and I can see him trembling as he sits and tries to make like he is okay. I see that he knows this is the end, but has not quite got there with the acceptance part. Somewhere deep inside he knows there aren't many more sunsets in his future, but for us, those that he feels he needs to be strong for, he lets on like he will be fine in no time. He is putting on a brave front, and all I want him to do is sit and cry and get all those feelings out. But he just isn't there yet. I can't imagine how it must feel to know you really are going to go. I think there comes a day when you welcome that exit, but until that day, it must be really scary.
No matter what the relationship has been over the years, watching this happen to someone who you love is beyond imaginable, but what is even harder to watch is my mother. She is trying to do it all, to make sure he is looked after well at the end, because that is exactly what that 53 yrs has all been about, making it to death. I look at her and I feel like I should be doing more, but time and distance makes doing more impossible. My concern is that this will age her, but what can I do, she will not hear of putting him in the hospital or in hospice so that some of the load can be taken off. She will do it, and that is all there is to it.
Because he had a very serious heart attack in 1986 and then a triple bi-pass in 1996 I really thought that we would lose him suddenly, in his sleep or as a result of a fatal heart attack but instead, we have been given this time, which gives us the chance to maybe not heal wounds but to acknowledge them and move past them. At the end of ones life, is it really important to rehash things that you couldn't seem to have the time or energy to fix before, is it really the time to list off all the things you feel they failed at, is it really the time to blame them. I don't think so. I think it's a time to ready yourself for the unknown, in my dads case, and for me to morn the things we were unable to fix. I think that it will take me time and effort to move beyond the things that happened between us, but right now I just feel the need for him to know that no matter what I love him, and always will.
I have lost many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, co-workers and family members. Many people whom I have loved very much and who were great influences on my life, but losing a parent feels so different. The thoughts of losing him is in so many ways very scary to me. No matter how well or how poor you got along with them, they are your blood, your history. They knew you before anyone else did. Losing him makes me think that one day I will be without parents on this earth. That is very scary. I fear going threw this again with my mother, knowing that she is the last one and we will be on our own after she is gone. It scares me to think that I will not have that reference, the person to ask when I have questions about raising my son, or the changes I will go through in my life. I am scared to be all on my own, in a way that you never really are until they are gone.
I have a family of my own now, and I know that they are my future, but that does not change the fact that he is my daddy! He is the only one I have ever had, and I am apart of him and he me, and when he goes he will take a piece of my heart with him.
To those of you who have taken the time to read this, will you do me a favor. If there is someone in your life that you have things undone with, or words that need to be said, please take the time this Christmas to say those things. Hug the ones you love like there is no tomorrow, and forget about all the crap that seems to build walls around us. Tell the people dear to you how you really feel about them, and slow down enough to enjoy it!!!
In September my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It is in his lungs, spine and blood, and because he has had a very compromised heart for the last 20 yrs, they are not offering any treatment. The plan is to make sure he is as comfortable as they can make him, and hope that the doesn't suffer more than necessary.
In the last two months I have watched him go from the dad I have always known, to this frail, weak, defeated man. He is in pain more than he isn't, he now has to use a walker to make it to the bathroom, and he sleeps more of the day away than he is awake. Because the drugs make him not hungry he doesn't eat more than 400 calories a day, and is wasting away. The man I once thought of as superman as a child is now a tiny little man. I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes, and I can see him trembling as he sits and tries to make like he is okay. I see that he knows this is the end, but has not quite got there with the acceptance part. Somewhere deep inside he knows there aren't many more sunsets in his future, but for us, those that he feels he needs to be strong for, he lets on like he will be fine in no time. He is putting on a brave front, and all I want him to do is sit and cry and get all those feelings out. But he just isn't there yet. I can't imagine how it must feel to know you really are going to go. I think there comes a day when you welcome that exit, but until that day, it must be really scary.
No matter what the relationship has been over the years, watching this happen to someone who you love is beyond imaginable, but what is even harder to watch is my mother. She is trying to do it all, to make sure he is looked after well at the end, because that is exactly what that 53 yrs has all been about, making it to death. I look at her and I feel like I should be doing more, but time and distance makes doing more impossible. My concern is that this will age her, but what can I do, she will not hear of putting him in the hospital or in hospice so that some of the load can be taken off. She will do it, and that is all there is to it.
Because he had a very serious heart attack in 1986 and then a triple bi-pass in 1996 I really thought that we would lose him suddenly, in his sleep or as a result of a fatal heart attack but instead, we have been given this time, which gives us the chance to maybe not heal wounds but to acknowledge them and move past them. At the end of ones life, is it really important to rehash things that you couldn't seem to have the time or energy to fix before, is it really the time to list off all the things you feel they failed at, is it really the time to blame them. I don't think so. I think it's a time to ready yourself for the unknown, in my dads case, and for me to morn the things we were unable to fix. I think that it will take me time and effort to move beyond the things that happened between us, but right now I just feel the need for him to know that no matter what I love him, and always will.
I have lost many people in my life. Grandparents, friends, co-workers and family members. Many people whom I have loved very much and who were great influences on my life, but losing a parent feels so different. The thoughts of losing him is in so many ways very scary to me. No matter how well or how poor you got along with them, they are your blood, your history. They knew you before anyone else did. Losing him makes me think that one day I will be without parents on this earth. That is very scary. I fear going threw this again with my mother, knowing that she is the last one and we will be on our own after she is gone. It scares me to think that I will not have that reference, the person to ask when I have questions about raising my son, or the changes I will go through in my life. I am scared to be all on my own, in a way that you never really are until they are gone.
I have a family of my own now, and I know that they are my future, but that does not change the fact that he is my daddy! He is the only one I have ever had, and I am apart of him and he me, and when he goes he will take a piece of my heart with him.
To those of you who have taken the time to read this, will you do me a favor. If there is someone in your life that you have things undone with, or words that need to be said, please take the time this Christmas to say those things. Hug the ones you love like there is no tomorrow, and forget about all the crap that seems to build walls around us. Tell the people dear to you how you really feel about them, and slow down enough to enjoy it!!!
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