The People Who Change Us.

The people who change us.

There are people in our lives who change us, some for the better, some not so much.  They come in when they are needed and sometimes are only there for a very short time, but no matter the length they play  an important role in your development, and help drive your path through life.  I have had a few, and without them I don't know how things would have turned out.

When I was five years old I was being sexually assaulted (I used to use abused, but assaulted is the better term) by a family friend.  The assault took place on many occasions, and completely changed who I was.  I was too young to understand what was happening to me, all I know is I worked really hard to just survive.  I focused so much of my energy just trying to get  from one day to the next, and trying hard to make sure no one knew.  I needed to do that because he told me if anyone found out, I would be in a lot of trouble.  

During this time,  I started to defecate like a toddler again.  My mother took me to the Dr. because I would hold my #2's in until I couldn't anymore and then I would have an accident before I could make it to the bathroom.  I remember how frustrated my Mother was with this, it was beyond her understanding.  Why wouldn't it be, I was potty trained, I hadn't had any accidents in two to three years by this time, why would it all of a sudden start.  Well, she didn't know what was happening, so she thought it was my fault.  The Dr. put me on laxatives, thinking this would cause me to have to go and I wouldn't be able to hold it.  It didn't work.  This just made the situation worse.

During the first and second grade I fell asleep in class all the time. My teacher would put her sweater over my shoulders and let me sleep.  I guess I wasn't sleeping well at home, so this is where I felt safe.  My teacher, although not exactly the nicest of teachers, seemed to made adjustments for me.  

In the third grade my marks started to get bad.  They thought I wasn't trying hard enough, they thought I had a learning disability, they thought I just needed to focus.  The solution to this was to put me in the cloak room in the classroom (completely divided off from the rest of the class).  In the cloak room I used a tape recorder and headphones to do my work.  There were recorded lessons on the tapes, and I would have a booklet I would answer the questions in.  I was isolated, I was alone, and I was embarrassed.  Kids made fun of me, they stopped playing with me, and it made school rather challenging to go to.  The lessons on tape didn't work, I failed that year.

The following year, I refer to it as grade three number two, I was given a teacher who had to go on maternity leave at Christmas.  A substitute came in to take the class for the rest of the year.  She was my first Angel.  She didn't have children of her own at this time, but really enjoyed being around them.  She would sit at the side of the classroom marking papers, keeping an eye on the class and would often let me come over and sit next to her.  She and I would talk quietly sitting there.  She would explain things to me, she would help me, but most importantly she made me feel cared about. She would often touch my arm, or put her arm around my shoulders, she would tell me how smart I was, how nice I was.  She made sure that everyday we had a special moment together connecting.  I never told her what was happening in my life, but what that year did for me is it made me understand that there are people out there who were going to care.

When I was eleven years old a family member started to sexually assault me.  This changed me again.  This was beyond my understanding.  I was completely lost.  My grades were bad, I had no friends, I acted out in class, I acted out on the playground, I acted out at home.  For those looking in they must have thought I had no discipline.  I was often in the Principals office, or in detention.  I was often being told that so and so couldn't be my friend anymore.  I became aggressive, to the point where I would hurt other kids.  I was miserable, and everyone around me was miserable.  This went on for the next couple of years, until I met my second Angel.

I started going to Pathfinders (Senior Girl Guides).  My leader was a strong, supportive, kind woman, who formed a relationship with me.  She knew my Grandmother well, and had a great deal of respect for her, which in turn made her want to get to know me.  She opened her heart to me, she showed me affection, she showed me caring and concern.  She was a great listener (although I never told her what was happening to me).  I think she knew there was something about me, and I am so glad she was there.  We soon started spending time outside of those Monday night meetings together.  She would include me in some of her weekend plans, we would go see things that she loved, we would participate in things she wanted to do.  I enjoyed her company, and with her I felt safe.  Later, I would tell her everything, she would know it all.  She never changed her opinion of me, she wasn't hurt that I hadn't told her sooner, she just loved me.  If it weren't for her I am not at all sure I would have survived high school.

At about this time I met, who I didn't know at the time, but would become one of the closest friends I would ever have.  The two of us were inseparable.  We went everywhere together.  There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't talk.  She was the friend I had always hoped one day I would have.  We would have sleepovers, and during those night we would stay up late and talk and talk. Eventually there wasn't anything she didn't know about me.  I had felt free for the first time, free to show someone who I really was.  She changed me, she made me soft, she helped me see the good in me, she reminded me that I was worth it.  She was my third Angel.  And she would walk beside me through some of the darkest days of my life.

Later, after high school and college, the day came when I had to talk about what happened to me.  I knew I needed help, I knew I needed to get all of the demons out.  My first step was going to my family doctor.  He had known me since I was eight years old, and even though I was all grown up, he would still rub the top of my head each time he walked into the office.  I didn't feel comfortable talking to him because I was afraid he wouldn't see me the same way.  I started to, but stopped and asked him to refer me to someone.  He did.  The first person I went to wasn't any good.  She didn't seem to care. I couldn't tell her much, we didn't connect.  I then sort of just floundered for a while, trying hard to keep it all together.  I finally decided to go to a female doctor in my town. I had heard good things about her so I made an appointment.

The first time I walked into her office I knew we were kindred spirits.  She had kind eyes, a warm smile, a great laugh and a way of talking that made me feel like nothing I was going to do or say was going to upset her, or make her not like me.  We talked for a few minutes and then we decided we would start meeting weekly.  That became my life.  Every week I would go to her and tell her all the crap and she would listen, cry, hold me, and each week it all got a little bit better.  She got me into a group therapy session, and worked really hard to keep me moving from one day to the next to the next.  She helped me though so many things, all the time making sure that she was doing what was best for me, not for others.  I had a very close friend die in this time, and she held me up. She anticipated things I never would have thought of.  She made sure that I was taken care of 100% of the time.  She arranged for me to stay in the hospital at night and out through the day.  This allowed me to carry on a "normal" life but to also know that I was safe at night.  She opened her life to me, and her home.  She allowed me in.  I got to know and love her children, her husband, I became a part of her family.  She was my forth Angel.  I know that I would have never lived though those years without her.

Since then I have had many people who have been in and out of my life, each one has brought something, or taken something.  I have leaned, I have suffered, I have hurt and I have been loved.  But if it weren't for those four Angels I wouldn't know what life would be like today. 

I am lucky, I was one of the lucky ones.  Not everyone ends up that way, not everyone finds those Angels.  Today I have my own family, and dear friends who I can count on, who love me, and who let me love them.  This would never have ever been possible without those ones that came before.

My message with all of this is simple.  Be that person, play that role, pay attention, and be open.  You never know what you might do for another human.  I am sure lots of these people in my life had no idea what impact they made, or what difference they encouraged.  The smallest of things can save a life, laterally.  If you find yourself in position in life where you are around children, be willing to be open, you don't know what might be going on in their lives.  Don't push people away,  you don't know, they maybe looking for the rope to hold on to, and you just might be it.

All of the people who have helped me along the way will never know how truly grateful I am, how much they mean to me, or what could have happened without them.  I am who I am today because of all the good that came after all the bad.

Summertime lessons

It seems like just last week I was counting down the days to the last day of school for my son, and now I am at the last week of break...where does the time go?


This summer has been uneventful for the most part, we stayed pretty close to home mainly because we couldn't afford to go anywhere, and because my son wanted to just chill, no expectations, no "have to's" and I was good with that.  It's been simply, an easy summer for the both of us.  I have enjoyed not having to wash my hair for a week at times, knowing I wasn't going to see anyone, I have enjoyed that my son is happy and not upset about anything.  I have enjoyed the sunshine, and the time we have had to just hang out.  It's been an uneventful summer, but a really good one.


I have once again learned a few lessons this summer in regards to grown women.  It seems that there are just some people that never leave high school.  They continue to be catty, they try to continue the whole "popular" group thing, and they don't stop bullying.  I am kind of shocked to have been the recipient of an obvious bully at my age, but yet that's exactly what I experienced.  Can you imagine, there are still women out there in their forties that still feel the need to bully, but not alone, they still need the group to back their behavior up.  I am okay with it, completely okay with it because it taught me something about myself.  I learned that there are people that we allow in our life knowing that there is nothing good going to come of it, but yet we do it anyways.  With this situation this person brought out the worst in me, and yes, we all have not so good sides of ourselves.  I recognized that the only thing that this person and I had ever truly shared was sharing our judgmental side of ourselves.  I try not to judge, Lord knows I don't like to be judged, but I fail at it often.  I realized that this isn't the side of me that I should be putting time into, but rather trying to change.  I realized that this particular person was often acting like a high school girl during our friendship, as I watched the way she dealt with other people who displeased her, I watched her bully, belittle, attack etc...yet I just sat back and watched her....like I didn't think it would ever happen to me, yet it did~~surprise~~ LOL.  I regret only one thing about that friendship and that is that I shared with her things that I did because I thought I could trust her.  I regret letting her in that close.  Lesson learned, I now know that no one can be completely trusted, except maybe my partner.  I am good with that.  Trust takes years to make, and moments to lose....so from here on in I am going to be very particular with whom I share my private thoughts...and I am going to try daily to not be so judgmental, I am instead going to give of myself to others accepting them as they come and know that for the most part people do the very best they can most of the time.


I learned another lesson about friendship this summer.  I learned that far too many people out there are looking for someone to fix, rather than someone to just be there for.  I often have things happen in my life that someone who is a fixer would want to jump on and fix, but yet that's not at all what I need, instead all I need is knowing that you are there willing and able to walk beside me through it.  I leaned a long time ago that there are people in your life who are only interested in fixing things....and that's fine.  I have recognized in myself that with those people I go to them, get the quick fix and know that's all that I am going to get from them...however I have gotten to an age where those aren't the people I want or need in my life.  What I need and want are people who are more willing to give me a hug than give me things.  I have always been a person who didn't have any worldly goods to offer others, but I was always willing and able to offer time, encouragements, support, understanding, etc. etc.  and that's who I need in my life.  I really have found that at my age I'm just not interested in putting any more time on those that feel that if they don't get some sort of something from what they do in friendship that they will just pull back and leave it....I don't think friendship has anything to do with giving and expecting that it be received, I think friendship is all about being there, offering what you can, and knowing that you have done what you can even if nothing is taken or returned.  Friendship isn't about pay outs, it's not about expecting someone to take you up on ever offer you put out there, friendship in my eye is wanting to offer and knowing that the person to which you have made the offer to knows that it comes from the heart and in the true meaning of friendship, and whether the offer is accepted or not has nothing to do with how meaningful the friendship is, but what is behind that offer that makes that friendship strong and worth it. 


The world is becoming less and less about true connections, and I'm just not going to go down that path...I am not going to stop putting my hands on the ones I love, I am not going to allow myself to stop having face to face contact.  I am going to fight this social media movement, yes it's going to be hard because most do want the "real" stuff of life anymore, but I refuse to stop being "real" and turning into one of those people who just share the happy and good rather than the down and dirty real things.  Ugh, life is become way too complicated, and it could be so much simpler.  I am interested in making things as simple as possible, no more games, no more fakeness, no more high school crap.  From here on in I am going to move towards touch, hand to hand, cheek to cheek, face to face.  No, I won't get that with most of the people in my social media world, but it's time I get out there and make a new world where social media doesn't play a role.  I have a plan in place and hope that over the next two years I will change, my world and family will change and I won't have to worry so much about the crap and worry more about real, face to face folks.  Isn't that what life is supposed to be about?  I happen to think so.

When you are at the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on!

When my son was born he came out of his warm home of 9 months curious and happy.   There were no tears from him that day, I shed a few when I finally got to lay eyes on him, but he was more interested in taking it all in.  That little boy was looking around that room like he had seen it before, it was a little strange, but he hasn't changed much from that day, still being so very observant and interested in all that is around him. 


When he was about 2 months old he started to make this face, we described it as the monkey face.  Imagine when a money gets excited and pinches it lips together sort of like teenage girls do when they are taking a selfie in the bathroom mirror, well that's what my son would do.  He would pinch his lips together and the start to breath in air through his nose in a very noisy way.  It was funny, it was definitely odd, he was a bit of a quirky kid.


When my son was about 6 months old he added hand flapping to the monkey face.  If there was something that drew his attention, or excited him he would start flapping and puckering those lips.  He was definitely a little odd, a little quirky.  The thing about this little boy was he had his quirks, and yes, they sort of made us think there might be something up, but the kid was always happy.  He never slept, he was always "on".  Looking back to those early years I honestly can only remember one time when he cried for more than a minute or two.  He was my happy, quirky little boy.


We realized pretty early on that he was going to need some socialization with other kids.  We would take him to playgrounds and have play dates and he just really didn't play with the other kids the way others did.  He was controlling, obsessive, only interested in pleasing himself.  He had problems with hands on, he would anger quickly, and sometimes he would become aggressive.  When he was two and a half we made the decision to put him in day care to help him socially.  It was our thinking that having trained professionals work with him daily the social issues he was having would improve with real guidance.  We tried our best to help him on the play ground but unless you have understand and willing participates on the other side trying to guide your kid through difficult social issues with strangers really doesn't work.  We felt the only solution was full time day care for a while, so we started spending 8000.00/year to have someone with knowledge and education to help him.


While we had him in daycare we were able to get a specialist see him every other week, either at our home or at the daycare.  This specialist was from an outside non-profit organization in the community that helped children with things like socialization issues, mental delays, or children who had serious medical issues like autism.  We started working with this professional feeling like there was a possibility that our son was on that spectrum somewhere, and we felt the sooner we had someone confirm that the better it would be for him and for us.


He worked with the professionals at daycare and that specialist for two years.  Nothing changed for him socially at all.  There were a lot of idea's put out there on what the problem was, but nothing was concrete, he just didn't fit into any box they had.  We fought for over a year to get a psychological evaluation done, which eventually happened when he was 4 and a half.  I had held onto the hope that the evaluation would give us the answers we were looking for, I hoped that we would finally be given the direction in which to go down and improve our sons life.  When the results of that evaluation came back it was determined that he had ADHD.  We (both my partner and I) cried at the results.  We cried not because he had ADHD, but because we were disappointed that he didn't have something else, like Asperger's or was somewhere on the spectrum.  Now you may be asking yourself, why on earth would this woman want her son to have something like Asperger's or be somewhere on the spectrum.  Well, it's this simple.  When a child has ADHD it's so hard for any professional, teacher, or fellow student to believe that this is something that a child can't control.  When you are diagnosed on the spectrum, or even with learning disabilities or anything in a "box" with a medical condition behind it, well it is just understood that the child can't do anything about the cards they were dealt.  With ADHD it's the child's fault, and that is a direct result of how bad the parents are.  Honestly, people who hear ADHD think, it's a parenting issue, it's not the kids fault so much if it weren't for his parents he wouldn't be acting this way, they must just let him away with murder...that's why those kids are like that.  School administrators certainly don't get it, not for the most part...yes, if you are lucky enough to find a school administrator who has a child and that child has issues similar to those of your child you just might have some understanding there, but other than that they don't get it.


So, we were handed an evaluation of ADHD, sent on our way without any resources, facing the scariest of times we had ever faced, that of public school.  I was afraid for my son, I was afraid that he would be eaten up and spit out at public school...but what was I to do, I am not the type of person who could sit down with him at home and get him to learn, so public school was all we had.  We were lucky, the school he started in was great.  The principal got him, his teacher got him, and rather than make him and us feel bad about his social issues they worked with them to improve them.  His teacher had this wonderful way of explaining our son to the other students that made him feel special rather than different.  Many of the students began flapping their hands like our son did to be more like him...to which his teacher would say "no, that's not your thing, that's his thing, you need to find your own thing to do".  We loved that!  We loved that the kids didn't see him as odd, but as unique all because that's how his teacher presented him to the class.  Teachers can either be the savior in the class or they can be a catalyst to the bad behavior, it is really all in their control.  She was a wonderful teacher, who taught for all the right reasons and had many years of teaching under her belt.  We were grateful for this first experience with school.


We had to move the following year so we ended up in a school that was not at all similar to the one we were previously at.  My son had a really hard time making any friends, in fact, didn't make any at all that year.  He had a great teacher, who saw the good in him, but the children were closed off, only interested in sports (which my son does not excel at, or can really even hold his own at).  They were all from a small community, many of them related to one another and not interested in the "new" kid.  He struggled that year, we all struggled, so we decided we needed to move again so that he might have a better chance.


School number three started out good, he got a good teacher who seemed to care about my son and him having a successful year.  He has issues throughout the year with some outbursts, he had some inappropriate hands on, he sometimes yelled when he didn't get his way, he cried often so often that the EA on the playground informed other children who thought my son was being bullied to just let him be because he always cries.  Yes, this little boy who never cried was crying so much at school they didn't even notice it, and didn't care at all about it.  Sad for a mother to hear, sadder for a mother who can't do anything about it.


My son is different, he doesn't always have "normal" reactions to things, he doesn't understand body language, he doesn't talk about the things that kids his own age would talk about...he could go on for hours about the Titanic, knowing all sorts of facts that only he would be interested in.  He has impulse control problems....which have gotten better over the last year or so, but they still cause him problems.  Impulses that one would think, why can't you just stop yourself from doing, but he just can't.   He is not one to make others feel bad about themselves, he would never impulsively do something out of malice, he might touch another child but not to hurt them, maybe it might irritate them but he is not doing it to hurt anyone.  He doesn't always get that "no" means that.  He has a really hard time with winning and losing...he takes losing personally....very personally.  He is harder on himself than anyone else ever could be, and this has led to a self esteem problem.  He tries to be as good at things like sports as the other kids, but he is always going to be that kid that is last picked and wouldn't be picked at all if it weren't for the rule that all kids play.  He doesn't do well at recess or in gym, he tries, but I have found that in recent months he doesn't try much more at all.  He has above average intelligence, and understands concepts quickly and without issues.  His intelligence also makes him stand out, not in a good way.  My son has no idea what the listener is interested in, he is only interested in what he wants to talk about.  This has created difficulty in our home from time to time, but luckily at our house we try to accept him as he is. 


We have worked with him since a very early age how to win gracefully, and how to lose gracefully.  We have worked with professionals on how to help him with that, we have worked with professionals on how to help him with his impulsiveness, we have worked with professionals on how to get him to socialize in a way that is more effective.  There have been many visits to the school trying to find solutions to his unique issues, trying to find ways that will help him and help those around him.  We have paid attention to his strengths, like dance and music, and have gotten him active in out of school activities that help him develop those skills, with the hope that these will be the area's in his life where he will not only find other like minded people, but it will give him an opportunity to shine and build on his self esteem and value his strengths.  We have worked endlessly on ways to show him how to read body language, to see when people do this it means that, or when people turn away they are actually not interested anymore.  Some of these things have improved, some have not.  Now, instead of flapping his hands he has now moved to another hand thing that he does over his head.  He does it all the time, when he is watching TV, when he is watching others play on the playground, when he is excited, when he is nervous, when he is doing homework, when he is playing with the dog, when he is playing board games, when he is doing something on the iPad....he does it all the time.  I don't notice it anymore, it's just part of who he is, but I'm not sure that's the case with others.  I am not sure if the students in his class notice this, and that leads to some more problems or not.


I don't blame the other students in his class for finding him to be odd.  I don't think that would to difficult to understand.  I remember as a school age child noticing kids that were different, to some degree I was one of those kids.  I remember kids that did odd things, some slobbered all over the place, some placed their hand over their mouth and nose when they were sitting at their desk, some had strange clothes, some had strange behaviors some were just strange, but for the life of me I don't remember any of those kids not having at least one friend they could count on.  I don't expect that the kids aren't going to find my son a bit strange, but I certainly don't expect what he experiences.  When we moved here he made fast friends with the boy across the street, they were inseparable.  That whole first summer I had two kids in my basement or in the pool more often then I didn't.  When school started they played together whenever they were on the playground together, they played often after school they played on the weekends.  We had to start putting some restrictions on how much they were together because school, piano and dance had to take some of the time that he had spent with his friend.  Over time they spent less time together but he could always count on that friend to want to be with him.  Over the last school year that has changed, we don't know if it's the parents or the child stopped coming over, when my son would call and ask him to play he would say no, and on the playground he would not play with my son anymore, only playing with other friends.  The one child that my son could count on wasn't that friend anymore and that has been difficult for him.  He isn't the kind of kid that holds grudges, and doesn't stop playing with someone because they had a bad day or a bad moment.  He just thinks everyone is his friend, and he just wants to play.  This has been sad for all of us.


This weekend he broke down and told us how he is really feeling.  We don't get reports from school from him often.  He isn't the kid that walks home telling you all about his day, he is the kid that doesn't share much if anything at all.  He will talk your ear off, but nothing much about his day at school.  We have grown to accept this about him, and because of it have relied so heavily on the system to help us keep informed. Sometimes it works but more often it doesn't and we are left in the dark missing many important events and happenings in his daily classroom life. 


He has a very poor short term memory (ADHD) so telling us that he has to bring a toy in to school that is an example of a simple machine is one of those things he doesn't do....so when the day comes that he needed to bring that toy he misses out because he was unable to communicate it with us and if you don't bring a toy you don't get to participate in the class.  This is frustrating for a parent, and for the child, but it's pretty much par for the course. 


So this weekend he broke down and told us what's going on with him at school.  He started off by telling us he wanted to either get in a serious accident and get severely injured, or he wants to die.  This is something a parent never wants to hear, but yet here I am hearing this come out of my sons mouth.  Of course we immediately went to the "hurting yourself solves nothing, now tell us what is making you feel so desperate that you are thinking these thoughts"  he went on to tell us that during recess and gym he feels that way.  With some further explanation he tells us that during gym class the kids want nothing to do with him, if he sits on a bench where other kids are sitting they will move to the floor, if he sits on the floor they will move back to the bench.  He told us that when playing a game called wall burner outside during recess they change the rules when he plays, the rules change to if someone doesn't get to the wall in time after throwing the ball then the ball can be thrown at the person who doesn't get there in time...but the real rule is that they only throw the ball at my son, no one else gets that lovely treatment.  This is what makes him feel like he shouldn't live anymore. 


Obviously I am outraged, I am sad, but most importantly I am scared to death.  I can't be there on the play ground, I can't be in the gym, I can't get it into the heads of the other students that although you may not like someone, there is good in everyone and everyone has worth.  I am not able to fix the problem from home, it's not happening in my house, I am not able to fix the other children, I am not even able to talk to the other children, what I am left with is hoping that the administration will do something to safe guard my child.  What I can do as a parent is tell my son that no matter what others may think he does have worth, he is worthy of love, he is worthy of fair treatment, he is worthy of affection and that there are far more good things about him than not so good things.  I can reinforce that the problem with these other kids is that they have the problem, not him, that it's not a reflection of him that they act this way, it's a reflection of who they are that they act this way.  These are very hard concepts for a 9 yr old to understand, heavens knows many 40 somethings have a hard time understanding that it isn't their fault.  So, now we are off to the office once again Monday morning to address this continual isolation issue. 


We have decided it's time to get my son some therapy, and hope that it helps him not feel so alone, help him interact better with his peers...but you know that's going to be hard because now their minds are made up about him and it will take a great deal for them to change it.  It's too bad that those in charge of our children don't teach acceptance of all, how to look for the good, how to embrace those that have unique things to offer, how to just learn to play and be happy no matter who is playing in the group.  When I was a kid we played with whoever wanted to play, if the block was playing kick the can anyone who wanted to join just joined.  If you didn't let a kid play your parents had something to say about it.  Now a days that isn't the case, you are allowed to leave kids out, to say no, to not open your eyes and life up to others.  It's encouraged on the play ground and in the back yards.  Too many people are afraid of those that don't look, act or live the same as they do, they don't want anything to do with anyone who doesn't fit in their "box".  It's too bad that this is the direction we are heading in, I'm scared for my son's future, I'm scared for our world. 

Missing you my friend!

It's difficult at times to not be bitter.  Life has a sneaky way of doing that to you, if you let it.  I have let it as of late, I don't know why, I have so much to not be bitter about, but yet I can be and have been.


Things that happen in life can, sometimes, make you hard, make you closed off, or bitter.  I have experienced things that have changed me, unknowingly they have made me harder.  I am just now realizing that...and I need to step back and re-evaluate things.  I don't want to be this way, I was never like this before, ever, but now things about me have changed, life can be so hard sometimes.


I know, you should let people take away the good things about you, but sometimes that's harder than one would think.  Things happen, things are said, and you start to question what are the good things about me.  I had a friend once tell me that I did too much for her, that I was always there to help and that was too much (I brought her home made chicken soup when she was off work sick)....well, that's what I thought being a friend was, so after hearing how that was wrong I then start to guess what is friendship if it's not about being there.  This same person told me that I was weak because I would cry, so I stopped crying when things made me sad....  ugh.


I am sad that these sorts of things can really change me, they do a real number on me.  I know I shouldn't let it, but sometimes I can't help the feelings they create in me.  Since ending that friendship I haven't been able to be a "real" friend with anyone, I keep my distance, I don't try too hard or let them get too close.  I feel like it's better to have someone at a distance then someone too close that will eventually just change their mind and hurt me in the process.  At the same time I feel this emptiness, but can't get myself to do what it takes to fill it.  It takes a lot for me to ask you to do something with me, or to come to my house...you have to be someone really special to get that sort of invitation.


When I was young I had two really close friends.  I could tell them anything, they appreciated me for who I was and didn't think there was anything wrong with me.  They were my biggest supporters and were at my side through some of the most difficult times in my life.  I had no idea that those would be the best "friend" years of my life.  I really thought that these two friends would be with me forever....how things change.  One of my friends died 22 yrs ago and the other sort of just drifted away over the last couple of years.  I so wish the one who died was still here today.  She struggled through so many of the same things my son is currently struggling through, I know the two of them would have helped each other.  She knew what it was like to be left out, to be bullied, and to different than anyone else....my son sure could have learned so much from her.


I've been thinking about my friend a lot lately, what I wouldn't do to turn back time and try to do things differently so she could be here today.  I have regrets in regards to that friendship, I could have done things differently, I could have talk to her more, or listened more.  I could have put more on hold and been at her side more, maybe if I had done some of those things she would be here today with me.  What I wouldn't give to be able to pick up the phone and talk to her, I know she would not only listen to me but she would never spare my feelings to tell me the truth.  She was the best at keeping me grounded and showing me where I was good rather than where I was bad (hard to find these days).  I know she would have loved my son, and he would have loved her.  I think she would have been here, not missing a thing... I wish she was here...but wishing doesn't do a body good now does it.

Our Waterpark experiance.

Last week my son came home with a really great report card.  This has been a great year for him, no issues to mention, no problems, no calls from the Principal, very good year all around.  We don't reward for good grades, we reward for good behavior so we decided that we would give him a day all about him. 


Friends of ours called and asked if we would like to go to the new indoor waterpark here in town on Saturday.  We had already planned on taking our boy to see the new Lego movie that day, so we made it to the movie early and headed off to the park later that afternoon.  We decided to make the whole day secret only giving hints until arrivals...so he was surprised by everything.  I didn't go to the movies...I thought I'd get some stuff done around the house instead, so my partner took him.  He loved the movie, she thought it was kind of dumb.  Soon after they returned we left for the waterpark, and here is my opinion of that experience.


We arrived just before 4 pm and waited in a 25 minute line to pay.  No, waiting in line wasn't fun, but because it took so long the priced dropped after 4 so we lucked out there.  After getting fitted with our wrist bands we proceeded to the ladies change room to dump our winter coats, boots, and everything else we had into a locker and then get out there and enjoy the park.  Well, the ladies change room was tiny, very few lockers and none that we could find that were not already full of peoples stuff.  We wasted so much time looking for a locker.  You would think that when someone left they would leave the locker door open, but I guess that's just too much to ask.  The other odd thing about this was that almost no one had a lock on their locker....not a smart idea at all.  We couldn't find a locker in the ladies change room so off to the family change room we went.  Again, hunting for an empty locker.  Finally we found one that would work, but didn't quite fit everything we had, so we had to leave one pair of boots on the floor beside the locker.  We then went to the restroom so that we could all go before hitting the water.  The restroom was disgusting, hair everywhere, there was food on the floor, dirt in the sink and the toilet seat was up.  I was not impressed.  This was more than half way through the day, and obviously wasn't cleaned at all that day.  No, it was no Disneyland that's for sure.  Off to the waterpark we went. 


My very first impression of the place is it was a bit confusing.  It was unclear as to how to get to different things, and a bit chaotic.  We started off in the wave pool, mostly because that was the closest thing.  The water was cool in my opinion, however I am a bit more sensitive to cool than most.  I got up to my knees and felt rather cold, so I wanted to go and try out the 5 big water slides.  We figured out how to get over to where the slides were, and through some intelligent observation figured out how to get a tube in order to ride the slides.


Each ride has a different end point.  It is at the end point where you wait in a line until you get your own tube.  The Master Blaster has a large blue tube that seats two riders.  You can go alone, but if you do you have to sit up front.  All three of us were going to go, I was going to go with my son and my partner was going alone.  After waiting 20 minutes we got our tubes and off we went to go to the top of the ride.


They claim there is 5 large water slides.  The five consist of the Master Blaster, which is a rollercoaster type water slide. The Python, which is a ride for the whole family using one large tube, one that would fit 4-5 people.  The Wizard, which is three individual slides all starting at the same place using individual mats. I wouldn't say there were 5, I would say there are two unique rides and one ride that consists of three separate slide area's but I am just weird that way.


There is one large staircase that is 4 stories up.  All 5 rides come from this one staircase, so there are people carrying large blue double tubes, large family sized yellow tubes (which are difficult to carry alone, so make sure you are strong and can manage all 4 flights of stairs) and all the other people carrying their blue mats to go to the Wizard which is on the third level of the staircase.  It was chaotic to say the least, and I am surprised no one was injured trying to maneuver up those stairs carrying their loads.  The other interesting thing about this was that the staircase was solid cement, rather than the slatted footings I have seen at other water parks.  The solid cement didn't allow for the water to move off the steps, like the slatted ones do, so you would often walk into puddles and slippery spots.  Again, surprised more people haven't slipped on the stairs.


We finally make it to the top, after a great deal of work I might add.  At the top we wait our turn.  My son is excited, but not at all sure what to expect, I am a little nervous as I also don't know what to expect and I am also not feeling a lot of comfort in the whole thing at this point as it just feels really badly planned out to me. I am hoping upon hope that they have worked out all the kinks on this thing.  It's our turn and our tube is placed on the top of the ride.  You then get seated and wait for the countdown.  The ride itself propels you, so you just sit back and wait.  3. 2. 1. and we are off.  You go down a steep drop and are propelled quickly up a grade, where you enter and enclosed tube, slashing from side to side, then you drop again, only not nearly as steep this time and again go into a dark tunnel, twisting around a curb and then down again and back up, entering your last tunnel and down to the end of the ride.  We made it, and I have to say it was fun...both of us enjoyed it.  We got off the ride and waited at the bottom for my partner to come, waiting and waiting, then we see her exit the last drop and then something happens.  I see her at the top of the last upgrade and she is standing??  Then she disappears again and then nothing.  I start to get a bit worried as she has not come down.  Minutes pass, she is still not at the bottom.  At about this point I see a lifeguard remove the mesh rope that is surrounding the final drop and she starts walking up the ride.  A few minutes later I see the lifeguard come out of the tunnel followed by my partner, my partner is carrying her tube.  I am confused and worried, but grateful that I can finally see her.  As she walks down the decline she falls....and then I don't see her again until she is walking down a flight of spiral stairs.  We meet up with her and she tells us the tube flipped over and she fell out of the tube.  She finally got back onto the tube and then they turned the water off so she couldn't go.  She said it seemed to take forever for someone to come and tell her what to do, and then when she was doing what she was told she fell.  When the tube flipped over she hurt her wrist and elbow...but luckily there was no blood.  I was glad she was back on safe ground.


Now I am going to pause here to say a few things.  When the lifeguard first came to her she asked if she was okay, and she said she was but that she hurt her wrist.  The lifeguard never escorted her out, never carried the tube, never assisted her in anyway.  No one came to us and asked if she was okay, no one came to us to see what had happened, no one offered first aid or any sort of assistance. Like so many public places, the entire place was manned by teenagers, no real authority seemed to be present.  Obviously no one was equipped to help someone in a situation like this, it seemed like no one knew what the heck to do.  We walked over to the first aid center and no one was there.  Finally asking a lifeguard if there was anyone working in the first aid center someone came.  When she arrived she asked my partner if she wanted her to put some pressure on her wrist???? What?  Aren't first aid people trained in first aid??  Should they be assessing the injury before putting pressure on anything.  We realized very quickly that this was not at all going to help so we left.  My partner was hurt, our day had taken a turn for the bad and we were all feeling a bit like it was such a waste of time.  But this day was supposed to be about my son right, so we couldn't leave yet, we had barely gotten here.  We all went into the lazy river and settled down for a bit.


The lazy river was not lazy at all, too many kids racing, running, pushing, splashing, nothing lazy about this river.  It was much smaller than I had thought it would be, and very narrow.  The temperature was also cool and I couldn't stay in long.  The air was also cool so getting out was painful. 


While in the lazy river I tried to convince my son to go onto the other ride, the family ride.  At first he didn't want anything to do with is, as he had just watched his mom get hurt.  I didn't want this to scare him away from waterparks forever so I insisted that we go.  My partner stayed in the lazy river and off the two of us went to ride the other "big" ride in the place. 


We waited another 20 minutes or so to get our tube, and then started up the 4 flights of stairs.  I was carrying this thing alone, and I can tell you it was very heavy and difficult to maneuver through all the people on your own.  I actually ended up using my head to lift it high enough as to not drag it over the cement stairs.  At the top you put your tube into the water and wait for the green light to board the tube.  I sat with my back against the ride and my son sat across from me.  The ride was fun, it was a combination of sharp turns splashing us up high on the sides and then a very dark tunnel, where when you least expect it there is a drastic drop, all while being completely dark.  It was a bit of a rush.  We had fun.


We then went and did a couple of runs down the Wizard, which was fast by not at all scary or anything.  We all went down that, but my partner couldn't do more than one run as it hurt her wrist to hold the mat. 


I convinced my partner to go down the Python before we left.  She was very reluctant, but eventually gave in.  I have been with this person for almost 13 yrs and have never seen her afraid of anything that had to do with a ride, but I was fear in her eyes as we boarded our tube.  The ride went fine, however it was hindered by the fact that she was scared the thing would turn over the whole time we were on it. 


So, would I go back, not anytime soon.  I don't feel they have the right people working there and I don't feel they know what they are doing.  I think that with anything there is a learning curve.  I wish someone of authority would have come to us to get more detail as to what happened on that ride, in order to fix it or at the very least prepare their staff for things like this.  It was obvious that no one was prepared, no one knew how to take care of an emergency and no one cared enough to come and make sure we were all okay. 


Value for you dollar, well there is plenty to do, but be prepared to stand around and wait a lot.  Don't expect to find it clean, at least not after they have been open a few hours.  Don't expect to be comfortable, the air and water temperatures need to be raised.  Like anything else, it seems like it is not run well, and needs a great deal of improvement.  So no, it's not worth the money at this point.

Let's talk

I wrote this blog a few months ago, and in the light of the recent death of Robin Williams I thought I would repost it.  Depression hits all kinds, money doesn't fix it, people don't fix it, time doesn't fix it....can it be fixed?  I have found that learning coping strategies, knowing one's signals, and reaching out for the help you need before the darkness gets to dark is what can help, but none of it fixes it... Depression kills!  Calling one selfish for committing suicide is just ridiculous.....and would only come from someone who has really never been there.  No one exists but the pain when that point is reached..no one.  The world lost a very famous, very loved and admired person yesterday, but lets use this opportunity to open up the communications about this disorder.  Why don't we talk about mental illness like we talk about cancer?  Both can be treated, both can have successful outcomes, and both can be deadly.  Lets talk about it like it exists, like it's okay, instead of whispering about it, being shameful for it, and treating it like it's taboo.  Lets keep talking, lets share, lets remember every single day that someone you know or may come in contact with just might be going though the same thing as Mr. Williams did....and maybe something you can say, do, or even an understanding look just might pull them back in, even if it's only for a moment.  There are times that people with depression don't feel it will get any better, but ending one's life will certainly make that real...in time everything does get better, with time and a great deal of support and work.  Just keep moving, breathing, living and eventually it wont be such a chore, it will be what you live for.


I have suffered through depression, anxiety and at times agoraphobia.  This is all a result of being sexually abused as a child and although I can mostly control it now, it has taken it toll on me over the years, at one point I even tried to take my life. 


Mental health comes in so many forms, my son has ADHD which is also a mental health problem.  There isn't enough support out there for him, and so many like him.  Having a mental health issue can limit a life to the point of being unbearable, sometime to the point where there seems to be nothing worth fighting for any longer....it's hard, just getting out of bed is hard.  Not everyone is able to control it, not everyone has the opportunity to get the help they need as it costs a great deal of money and not everyone has that ability.  Raising funds helps, but raising awareness helps even more.


When you have a mental health issue people treat you differently.  They keep their distance, and in a lot of cases they keep their distance exactly when you need them the most.  I have had times in my life where I was hospitalized, and only a small group of people came to see me.  It scares people, yet having a mental health issue is nothing different than having any other medical issue.  You can't change the fact that it's in you, you can control it to some degree but even then you have to really work hard at it.  It's not something to be ashamed of, but yet so many make you feel ashamed....like it has something to do with strength.  Strength has nothing to do with mental health, it doesn't mean you are strong, weak or unable to cope, what it means is you have a health problem that you deal with daily and could use as much support as any cancer patient would need. 


Isolation is a common problem with mental health, you can isolate yourself to the point where you have no one, and also you can be isolated because no one wants to deal with it.  I think this is a prime reason why so many people keep their problems hidden, so people will not run away.  I know that I have felt isolated many times in my life, and maybe it was something I did to myself but nonetheless it's a real problem....


Mental health touches so many people, so many lives.  It's overwhelming how many people hide this and live with it daily, trying to cope trying to make it through the day.  It's something we need to support, something we need to understand and defenetly something we need to put funding into. 


I applaud this company for bring attention to this all so common issue, and hope that every year more and more understanding comes to those who don't understand it.

A December to remember!

December is always such a ridiculously busy time for us.  I know it is for many of you, but having your only child's birthday come at the beginning sure does make the beginning fly by and we are half way through the month before we know it.  This year has just been even more busy, because for his birthday we took him to Chicago to see Wicked.

I am often amazed by the things that change my child.  Musical theatre is one of those things.  From the very beginning we noticed the difference that musical theatre had on his behavior, on his attention, on his overall well being.  It wasn't hard for us to see the changes, that kid goes from a bouncing, chatterbox in line to a quiet, focused boy while watching any sort of musical theatre.  It's like his ADHD completely disappears.  I like it.

Chicago was just one of many stops for the 1st National Tour of Wicked, and that production is staring a friend of ours from years ago when we did musical theatre in Houston Texas.  We have known Alison since she was a little girl, playing Annie.  We knew back then that if this young lady tried she would make it, and now she has.  It's just the most incredible thing to see really.  The production was outstanding, we had seen it once before a couple of years ago in Detroit, but this was the first time seeing Alison in the staring role.  There is something about watching someone doing exactly what they should be, what they were put on the earth to do, that brings tears to your eyes.  I am awestruck by her talent, but more than that I am awestruck by how little she has changed.  She was beautiful inside and out all those years ago, and is just more so now.  I can't say I am proud of her, as I have nothing to do with her success, but I can say I am proud to know her, and that has nothing to do with her success.  The pride I have for her is more about who she is, how hard she has worked, and how brave she must be.  It isn't an easy thing to follow a dream, at least a dream like this one, however, she put trust in herself knowing that if she didn't try she would never succeed.  Such an inspiring person to have in my sons life.  What she does, more than anything, is makes it possible for so many others, my son included, to believe that it is possible.  She gives so many hope.  After the show was over she took us on a back stage tour....which was beyond amazing.  My son got to learn (and in some cases explain) all the magic.  He had the opportunity to wear the witches hat, and to see how things happen during the show.  He was so excited, and we were just blown away by how she was so generous with her time and attention.  It will stay with us forever, especially my son.  I can only hope that I raise his half as well as her parents raised her, they have truly raised an amazing woman.

After returning home from Chicago the birthday celebrations continued.  We took my son and 5 of his friends out to lunch to share in his birthday with him.  It was just going to be a simple get together, just friends sitting around a table for a couple of hours enjoying each other.  He was thrilled about the whole idea, and I was thrilled by the idea of not having anything to do for it except pay the bill.  While we were sitting there (the kids being a little noiser than most other patrons that day) a man came up to our table.  He said "I hear it's someone birthday today, who's birthday is it?"  My son then turned to him and said it was his, and that he was 9.  The man said happy birthday and Merry Christmas and went about his day.  We were just so taken aback by the fact that someone took time out of their day to come over and talk to him.  It's not everyday that people do that, we were more surprised by the fact that more people in the restaurant weren't upset about the noise...so when we had something so positive happen we were thrilled.  A few minutes after the man left the waitress came over to our table and said that the man had taken care of the bill.  Well, I can't tell you just how much this touched us, I can say that tears flowed quickly, and to this day I still can't believe the generosity he showed us.  You would think that having the bill paid by a complete stranger would be the only great thing that came out of this, but what really was the greatest thing that came out of this was the fact that all those children told their parents what had happened first off, before telling them anything else.  What he did made a big impression on those 6 young minds that day, they learned exactly how it feels to do for others.  I am sure not one of those kids went away that day and didn't think about how special that made them feel, and my hope is that they will always remember that.

December has started out better than I could have ever imagined, or ever planned.  My child is different from all the amazing people that have entered, and quite honestly a parent just can't pay enough for that sort of thing.  Nothing warms your heart more than having someone make your child feel special, for no other reason than because they just exist.  Human kindness is not lost, it's still out there.  It sure does give me immense hope for the year to come.

Christmas vs Happy Holidays??

Lately I have been seeing so many things on facebook regarding Christmas.  Ugh.  Honestly, it's becoming more than I can bare so I am going to address some of those things from my point of view.

First, I will address the whole "Keep Christ in Christmas" thing.  Well, how can Christ not be in Christmas isn't that what the whole "(Christ)mas word is....how can you take him out.  Oh, I know, there are people who celebrate the Holiday without acknowledging the whole meaning.  Gifts are where it's at...Santa Claus means more then the fact that baby Jesus was born that day.  Yes, you can take Christ out of Christmas, but really, if you want Christ in Christmas make it that way for you.  It isn't for you to judge whether someone else is doing the whole thing right, it's for you to make sure that the meaning isn't lost on your family, during your time, at the meal etc.  Keeping anything in your celebration is for you to control...not for you to control in others.  Judgment?  What does that have to do with Christ?  Yes, society is getting more and more commercialized, I have seen it with my own eyes, but honestly, if you do what you want to do, and you celebrate it the way you see fit....well isn't that all that really matters? 

Second, the whole "It's Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays".  This whole thing drives me a little around the bend.  For me, any pleasant greeting I get is better than what I could get...I am just grateful that people are willing to share glad tidings no matter what they say.  Isn't it better to be wished something than nothing at all....for goodness sakes, it's not just Christmas during this time of year, it's a lot of things so why not just be happy saying whatever you wish and hearing whatever someone else would like to give you.  Honestly, if I were to share how I absolutely feel about this whole thing it would be this.  To say that people must say "Merry Christmas" is so arrogant.  To think that your Holiday is more important than any other Holiday celebrated at this time of year is a bigoted way to think.  Yes, more people in your particular area of the world just might be celebrating Christmas than any other Holiday, but there are always those that do not.  Saying that one must wish people "Merry Christmas" is so single minded....I would much rather be inclusive than divided, I would much rather not take this time of year and use it to offend others, or even to maybe take the chance of offending.  This time of year, more than any other time, shouldn't we be thinking about our brothers and sisters who live in our neighborhood, city, county, province or Country?  Shouldn't we want all of us to come together, rather than make this about who's more important and who should shut up?  For as long as I can remember people wished each other "Happy Holidays"....in fact there is a song that goes something like this "Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, while the merry bells keep ringing, Happy Holidays to you".  That song was sung by Bing Crosby in the movie Holiday Inn and is from the 40's.  All of a sudden people are freaking out that they are being wished "Happy Holidays" get over it people.....if you are Christian, than act like it!  In my opinion, if you want to keep Christ in Christmas, so being so angry, start being more kind, and then you will keep Christ in Christmas, as isn't that what he brought to us all those years ago?

I think we are all getting far too serious.  Enjoy your time with your family, if you don't want it to do with anything other than Christ than don't, if you want to wish people Merry Christmas than do and stop worrying about all the other crap....it just fills up what should be a much more peaceful time of year.  I look forward to celebrating both Hanukkah and Christmas in our house, as we always do...with presents, and food, and Christmas trees, and Menorahs and all the lights outside and in.  We love it all!!

I know, it's so shocking!

This may come as a surprise, but I have to admit it anyways.  I am not perfect.  I know, I'm as shocked as you are to read this.....it's no laughing matter.  I know, most of us think we are perfect, we think we do no wrong, we think that our shit doesn't stink, but I am just now realizing I have a long way to go to reach perfection.

There are things I do that after I do then I wonder "why on earth did I do that" or "say that" or "act that way" or "react that way".  Yes, believe it or not but I have been known to talk about people behind their backs.  No, not to hurt necessarily, however I am sure if those people where to hear what I was saying they would be hurt.  I have always said that it's more about venting, rather than having ill intent.  I can't help it, I have tried to fix this, I have tried to stop, but the honest truth is some people just drive me nuts and if I don't share it with trusted people in my life I might explode.  Literally.  Yes, I am not perfect, not at all.

I have been known to put myself first, yes ahead of even my child at times.  I'm not talking about the ways we have to put ourselves ahead of or children, like when you need to put the oxygen mask on first before you can help you child, I mean in ways that have nothing to do with him.  There are times I ask him to go play so that I can enjoy my second cup of coffee on a Saturday morning.  There have been times where I have asked him to go watch tv just so that I can go to my room and read my book.  Yes, selfish I know, I am not perfect.

There have been times where I have sped up in a store in order to not be behind the elderly woman in line.  Yes, I have been known to speed pass, wind whipping that woman's hair just so that I can be first.  I am not perfect, I need to work on this....but the fact is this, there are just times I am not in the mood to stand behind someone slow, someone who takes the time to do a bit of socializing while they do their transactions.  There are times I just want to be first.  Yes, I admit it, I want to be first!  Ugh.  I know, I need to work on this.

I have been know to stick a particular finger out the window at other drivers.  Yes, I am not perfect.  There have been times where I am just not in the mood to almost get hit while driving down the road, or being cut off, or have someone steal the parking spot I have been patiently waiting for.  I know, I should turn the other cheek, but I can't for some reason at times.  I know I need to work on these things.  I know I do.

Not being perfect has hit me hard.  I don't know if I can handle the real truth, but I will have to try.  I mean, really.... I should feel too bad, I am human after all.  I can tell myself that there are lots of people worse than me, lots of people who don't ever do good, but the true fact of the matter is we are all human.  We all make mistakes, we all do things we shake our heads at after we have done them.  Does it excuse our behavior, no, but no one is perfect and that's the honest truth.  The thing I have to try to remember is this, every single day I get a brand new chance to start from scratch.  Yes, there will always be those people who will always focus on the wrongs you have done, but those people don't mean anything.  I can do it differently, every single day working on improvement.  Some day's I might make inroads, and some day's I may go back to the same routine.  The focus for me is just to keep trying, I mean isn't that all we can do, try??

Our fun filled evening in a small town ER.....I say that out the side of my mouth!

This past Saturday I loaded the family up and we headed to a family get together in my home town.  We were just going for the night, it's a bit of a drive for just one night but we decided to go and enjoy some family time. 

On the way there we decided to make a few stops to get a couple of things.  We haven't been to the city closes to my home town in a long time and decided to hit a few stops there that we never get to go to.  At our first stop my partner D went to just run in and out so my son and I stayed in the car to wait.  As she went to jump out of the car she put her foot down and twisted her ankle on an uneven sidewalk.  I didn't realize she had done this until she was on her way back to the car. 

At first we both thought she had just hurt it a bit, but not seriously so we continued on with our day, stopping at a couple of other places, her limping away as we went.  It wasn't until we arrived at my families place that we realized that it was more than just a little twisted ankle...it was twice it's normal size and there was obvious bruising starting to develop.  It was 4:20 in the afternoon.  My mom suggested we go to the ER in town, before it got to late, and have it looked at...so off we went.

Our small town ER experience left something to be desired....and here is the story.

When we pulled up at the entrance I dropped D off at the door so she wouldn't have to walk so far (I know, so uncharacteristically kind of me, but I guess I was having a nice day)...and then I went to park the car.  The front parking was full so I had to park at the back parking lot, quite a distance from the front door so the decision to drop her off was a good one.  By the time I arrived inside D had already had a bit of an ordeal.  When she went inside she walked to the unmanned front desk.  On the window it said "if by chance this desk is not manned please go to the ER desk to be helped".  She did that, limping all the way.  I would say that the ER desk is about 250 feet from the front entrance...not far for most, but a long way when you have an injury of this nature.  When she got to the ER desk a woman dressed in pink asked her why she was there and then told her to go back to the front desk and she would be there in a minute.  When I walked in D was sitting on a chair outside the front desk waiting for the lady in pink to return.  I stood there for a few minutes waiting with D and getting the full story up to then, and after waiting I walked over to the ER entrance and had a seat on the chairs outside...looking into the ER.  There were three people at the ER desk, the lady in pink whom had talked to D about returning in a minute, and older woman also dressed in scrubs (who we would later find out was the triage nurse) and a blond woman (who we would later find out was the Dr on call that afternoon).  They were all standing or sitting around the ER desk, eating and laughing.   When I sat down in the chairs the girl dressed in pink looked at me, and after realizing that they were doing nothing but making someone with an injury wait unnecessarily, I gave her a look....you know the kind, the ones that only mothers can make.  In seconds she was walking out of the ER to wait on D.  I was so happy that she could put the food and conversation aside long enough to help the patient....imagine that!   I have to add here that in that front entrance they have this picture (I think there are 5 woman in the picture) and over the picture it says something to the effect of "Our focus is on the patient, and the great care for those patients"  so far that wasn't something that was happening.....I don't think it's "great care" when you ask someone injured to walk at least 500 feet more than necessary, simply because you would rather socialize than do you damn job!!

Needless to say the woman in pink was not very amused that she had to actually do her job,  being very sharp and in some ways uncaring while she took all of D's information....D standing at the window the whole time....seems to me one would get her a chair to do this, but hey, care is their most important focus right!  After finishing with the woman in pink D was instructed to walk over to the ER entrance and wait there until they were ready for her.  The wait at those chairs was not long, thankfully. 

From the chairs she was taken by the triage nurse to do some injury history, as well as cover some medical history.  She was a bit nicer than the pink girl was, but still not overly thrilled to be doing her job.  I just have to add here that why does one pick health care careers when they are not interested in dealing with patients??? Or care for that matter??? it seems to me that overwhelmingly they are not happy, not caring and not interested, so why did they do it in the first place....health care isn't usually something you choose unless you are made up of the right stuff to work in that field?  You know, working in a factory or something alike is a field that sort of just comes your way, you just deal with it, but choosing a career, now that's a decision, you should be thrilled to be working in you chosen field shouldn't you??  It doesn't seem that way when it comes to the medical field.  I recognize that health care professionals in Canada can, and often are overworked, understaffed, etc. etc.  But that is NOT the case here in small town Ontario.  They are fairly staffed, not overworked, and work in a much better environment than that of the big city....stop hating on everyone!!!!!  End of rant!  for now!

From triage she was told to walk to room 4 and get on the bed.  It was now 5 pm. 

Room 4 consisted of 3 or 4 beds, each separated by those wonderful draw curtains.  No real privacy, but that's okay, can't expect much privacy in the ER now can you.  In the bed furthest from us was a mother, and her young son.  He was likely 3, and was a very busy little man.  They were talking, she mostly telling him detailed explanations for various things....like "what is Angelina Ballerina??"  "What does she like to do", "what is a ballerina"....and these question went on and on, and we heard each and everyone of them.  At about 5:30 the doctor finally came in to see them, and it was then that we found out that this boy was here because his mother suspected that he had impetigo, as he was diagnosed with it two weeks prior, and all the spots had come back.....and she had washed everything and had kept him home from daycare and gymnastics for over a week, how could this be???  The doctor looked at him, took a swab and then 15 minutes later was sending them out the door with a new antibiotic script. I was grateful they were out the door...not because he had a very contagious skin condition, but because the level at which they were talking was getting on my nerves...not sure why anyone wants everyone around them to hear ever single word they say, but yet there are those ones.  Bye little boy, I hope you pussy face clears up fast so your annoying mother doesn't drive you to drink hard liquor at the age of 3!  The doctor then headed back to the desk, eating, talking and laughing....for more than 10 minutes....I timed her!

I have to just say here that there were two other people ahead of us in this ER.  One being a teenage girl, the other being woman who seemed quite ill as they had her door closed. 

After 10 minutes the Dr made her way down to the teenagers room.  I think she must have had something stuck in her leg or something, as there was a bunch of loud painful sounds coming from the room....which was at the end of the ER...quite a distance from where we are.  Along with the painful moans, there was also the voice of the Dr saying "just look away, this isn't going to hurt so just stop moaning"....apparently they teenager was moaning over the injection of freezing that the Dr was administrating....not the actual removal of whatever it was in her leg.  After the Dr was done there she returned to the desk, eating some more of whatever it was that was there, and talking it up with the triage nurse and the girl in pink.  Boy, they sure seem over worked to me!

At 6 pm a nurse came into our room and asked D if she would like some Tylenol or Ibuprofen for the pain.  It took them more than an hour to suggest to this person, with an ankle twice the size of normal,  that she just might be in enough pain to warrant some Tylenol???  An hour??  I get it if they were run off their feet, as they are in a city ER, but really, these people are too busy eating and talking to actually follow that saying in their front lobby....that thing about patient care first. D thanked her for the suggestion and welcomed the chance to maybe take some of the edge off.  The nurse returned with 4 pills and a small glass of water....and then was out the door. 

At this point I am looking at the front desk and the blond Dr eating again and talking to a male dressed in scrubs.  I recognized the man in scrubs to be a young man I remembered from my childhood.  He was much younger than me, I don't think we were ever in school together, but I knew who he was.  He was the son of the veterinarian in town, and I remembered hearing that he grew up and became a human doctor, not following in his daddies footsteps of being a 4 legged doctor.  I had heard good things about this guy, so I was expecting to not see as much tom foolery and more medicine being practiced.  I would be disappointed.

After about 20 minutes the new, male doctor, walked into our room.  He looked at D's chart and then asked a few questions about the injury, how it happened, how long ago that sort of thing.  He then began an exam on the ankle and determined from that exam that she would likely need an x-ray to rule out a break.  Wow, we are there almost 2 hours and just now they are thinking maybe an x-ray might be needed....I don't know, I am not a nurse or a doctor, but one would think that any injury that makes ones joint be more than twice it's regular size is going to warrant an x-ray, well at least until doctors come equipped with x-ray vision....which I'm sure is just around the corner.  The doctor than explained they would have to call the technician in, and it would be about 20-30 minutes, but that he usually doesn't feel too bad about the wait with people who are used to larger centers where they wait for hours to be seen.  Off he went and a few minutes later the triage nurse came in carrying another set of pain pills (just like the ones the other nurse came in with) she went to tear them open when D told her another nurse had just came in before the doctor and she had already taken them.....so they were trying to now kill her....great small town care there...maybe if they weren't so interested in chatting, and more interested in referring to the chart (or better yet actually updating the chart) they wouldn't be trying offer lethal levels of pain relief....ugg!  It's a good thing I was there, and D was still sharp and not at all groggy, she would have just mindlessly taken the meds and then I think her ER stay just might have turned into a hospital stay!

At this point another mother, with her teenage son, came into the ER.  Again, the girl in pink was not manning her entrance desk, but rather was standing at the ER desk chatting it up.  The mother explained that her son is susceptible to bronchitis and has in the last few days formed a cough, so she wanted to be more pro-active and maybe get it under control before it turned into the more advanced condition of bronchitis.  The triage nurse sent her and her son to the bed that was just a half hour or so ago filled by the three year old with impetigo.....yes, and you guessed it...no one had changed the sheets or cleaned after that three year old was there...so now they were putting an out of province teenager, with a compromising medical condition sit in a bed that was just moments ago filled with a child with a very contagious skin disorder....hmmm???  does this sound like they are putting patient care first??  Not to me....it seems to me that once again putting chatting and eating first on the list....and then "oh, am I here to be a nurse, I thought I was here to socialize".  They put a mask on the teenager and then let him sit on the bed in those impetigo crusted sheets...that poor guy, I sure hope his junk isn't covered is pussy red blotches today....I should have said something but honestly, I would rather write a witty blog about the whole thing than get involved in this.....next time I will say something...as I will be less interested in the witty blog...you can only write so many witty blogs about the failing score of health care these days.  The triage nurse asked the mother of the teenager to come to the desk, where they then talked for more than 20 minutes about BC....as that was where the mother was from, and the triage nurse's son and newest grandchild was from.....they had something in common, and they bonded....nothing wrong with that, as there were no new cases of anything coming in, and it made the mother feel a connection.  I honestly didn't see a problem with it, but really, most people don't have 20 minutes at their over paid job to just sit and shoot the shit...most people have to actually work to make their living, to keep their job, to finished all the work they need to do.  I wonder if a factory worker were to stop and talk to the newest stranger for 20 minutes and just not do what he was supposed to do on the line for that period how that would effect the rest of the line???  Hmm...but then again, most people don't choose factory work, it is sort of the thing you just resort to, health care is more of a chosen field.

The x-ray technician arrived, wheeled D off to shoot her ankle.  Finally things were moving in the right direction.  A few minutes later she was being wheeled back into the room, and there she sat for 35 more minutes....until the doctor remembered that he needed to actually look at the x-rays that he had ordered.  I know they were ready long before that as the technician had joined the group at the desk at least 15 minutes before that to join the conversations.....meanwhile, the doctor had gone in to see the mother and her teenage son.  He listened to his lungs, told her everything seemed really clear.  He didn't suggest anything at this point, she suggested that he write a script for an inhaler for, just in case, as they were from out of province and this would save them another visit to the ER.  The doctor agreed to write the script, and then sent them on their way.  I think they were there for no more than 45 minutes maybe.....but their short stay was filled with infectious sheets so they can't feel too lucky now can they! 

When the doctor returned to D's room he said that he hadn't detected any break on the x-ray, that he felt it was soft tissue, but after I said something like "you don't detect any obvious break" he then replied with, "well I have looked at 1000's of x-rays, but yes, I am not a radiologist and until a radiologist reviews the shots we can't be absolutely sure there isn't a break somewhere, but we will call you if he does see anything on Tuesday".   He told her to put some frozen pea's on it and take Tylenol....but no other sort of pain med was going to be prescribed....and we were finally on our way.

We were there 3.25 hours, and really weren't much better off after than we were before.  So, now I would like to add my suggestions to improve here.

1st, I'm going to state the obvious.  If there is someone being paid to sit in the front desk, they better be there unless they are on a break or there is an emergency somewhere in the hospital.  I think as a tax payer I would appreciate my tax dollars going to people who are interested in doing their job, not socializing.

2nd, why is it that triage nurses in this country are not nurse practitioners??  We under use these professionals in this country, when using them would cut time and cost.  If that triage nurse had been a nurse practitioner she could have evaluated the ankle, ordered the x-ray and had D all ready when the Doctor was ready to come and look at her....he would have had all the information, and the time in the ER would have been a fraction of what it was.  This can be said for so much, that little boy with the impetigo could have been seen and sent on his way in minutes, that boy with the possible bronchitis could have been seen and sent on his way right after triage.....the time and money that could have been saved is just insurmountable, yes a nurse practitioner would be more expensive than a regular nurse, but the Dr wouldn't have had to come in for 4 out of 5 of those cases in the ER....and yes, that would save a lot of money.

3rd.  Cleanliness needs to be a focus in a medial facility....this is a no brainer.  Why anyone would think its okay to just herd patients into rooms without cleaning in between is just beyond my understanding.  This is not good for the patient, and it's not good for the cost of health care.  Simple cleaning would lead to less cross contamination which leads to less illnesses which leads to less ER and doctor office visits.  Stop throwing our money away!!  I am sick of the high costs of medical care in this country, and these are just a few of the reasons why they are so high.

It's time we spend less on Doctors and more on nurse practitioners.  It's time we have less ER's and more urgent care facilities.  Lower the cost, increase the service, make citizens happier folks.  And for heavens sake, stop eating and starting working!!! 

In August I went to the ER here in Windsor.  I waited 5 hours to be seen, I was offered Tylenol 3 when I finally made it to a bed, and then I was sent home with a script for Tylenol 3's.  An e-ray was taken quickly and the results were read within minutes.  No, waiting 5 hours is not good, but you have to keep in mind that there were between 35-45 people ahead of me.  When we arrived at the small town ER there were 3 people ahead of us....we stayed 3.25 hours and were not offered any continuous pain relief solutions.  What that means is in the city 7 people per hours are being seen....in small town ER 1.5 patients were being seen per hour.  Who is doing it more efficiently???  You tell me!!  So no Doctor "young boy I remember from childhood", small town ER's are not better in any way than city ER's, you just don't have the volume so you get to play more!!

I just want to finish this by saying that I am in no way bashing the Doctors here.  I think small town Doctors work hard, are better in many way than city Doctors.  In my sons earlier years I often took him to seem my family doctor in my home town, as I trusted him more than the doctor we had in the city.  He knew his patients better, he took his job seriously, and he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty....if he could fix it he did, he didn't just send off the problem to a specialist like we get with our city doctor.  There is room for improvement in both places, this experience was  just shocking to me.  This particular ER has been fighting to stay open...the citizens of this small town and fought to keep it open, along with the small hospital....but when you go there and this is what you experience you don't have to ask why.....you have to wonder why not....these people don't want it opened, obviously, what they want is to no longer have their cushy job, but to go and work in ER's that are non stop....they want to actually work for that pay, I guess!

Why I had weight loss surgery!

When I was a kid I was never the skinny one.  No one ever told me I was skinny.  I think, for the most part, I was average.  Having a larger frame, there was no way I was ever going to be considered skinny, and I was good with that.  My mother was disappointed by my size, I think if she had her way I would have been skin and bones with perfectly curly hair, but she got neither.

I developed young, well it seemed like I was young.  This didn't help much with the size issue.  No, I was not fat, but there was more than my share on my chest so I looked more on the heavy side than not.  This wasn't helped by my refusal to wear a bra when I should have been.  I wasn't that girl who was real feminine, and sure didn't want to be the first in my class to have to wear a bra.  I had enough difficulties in grade school, I didn't need one more, so no bra for me.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, I have not kept it a secret that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I had various abusers, at various times in my childhood.  The thing about being abused is, as I child, you think the reason this is happening to you is because of something you did, or it had something to do with how you looked.  I remember grown ups telling me how pretty I was, and I remember how uncomfortable that made me.  Hearing that was never a good thing as far as I was concerned.  I was always feeling like the abuse had to do with the way I looked, and subconsciously, I guess, I decided to change things to keep people away from me.  This began a life long job of gaining weight and making sure people kept their distance, and it worked.

When I graduated from grade 8 I weighed 150 lbs.  I reached my forever height in the 4th grade, 5"2 1/2.  This was a lot of weight to carry on that frame, but I wouldn't have said I was crazy overweight.  Towards the end of the 9th grade my gym teacher (a very creepy female teacher whom I was very intimidated by) ran into me in the hall and asked me to come to her office for a little chat.  Her office was at a very isolated area, which made me very uncomfortable.  She had me come in, closed the door, and had me sit down.  She stared off with some small talk, asking me how things were going in grade nine, that sort of thing.  Then she told me how pretty I was, and wanted me to think about losing some weight so that I would be more attractive.  This coming from a very overweight, not attractive woman who was not ageing well for a woman her age.  I remember squirming in my chair, looking at the clock on her desk hoping this all ended fast and I could go home.  I never took gym again, and led to more weight gain and image issues.  By the time I entered the 12th grade I had tipped the scale at 205.  At this point my mother insisted that I start seeing our family doctor to get on a weight loss program.   I did start seeing him, and by the time I had graduated high school I had lost 37 lbs.

Off to college I went.  I was scared, and intimidate by the mere size of the city I went to.  I was from a small town, that consisted of about 5000 people, all of the same colour, all of which I either knew or knew of.  Going off to Toronto was as scary as it could get for me.  I was there about 3 months when at the bus stop one morning a guy noticed me and decided he was going to chat with me all the way to school.  He didn't go to my school, but was on the bus the whole trip anyway.  Over the course of the next few weeks he was at the bus stop more than he wasn't, each time staying on for as long as I was, always trying to communicate with me.  On valentines day he was sitting at the bus stop holding a rose, and a card.  This was all I could take, and from that time on I either took the college bus, which picked us up at the residence but much earlier than I would have like to head out, or I missed that class all together in order to avoid seeing him.  By the time I had finished college I had put all of those 37lbs back on, and then some.

As the years went on I stayed at about the same size.  Maybe there was a variance of a few pounds, but for the most part I stayed pretty constant. 

When I conceived my son I was very healthy.  I didn't have any real issues, other than I was very overweight.  I was lucky, I had a uneventful pregnancy, I actually even lost 13 lbs during that 9 months.  I never felt bad, I actually felt great.

After my son was born I just seemed to gain weight faster than one could imagine.  The fact that I put myself in a bit of a cocoon for the first year didn't help.  Life was getting more complicated, and I was beginning to feel less and less healthy.  Finally I decided to diet, and see if I could shake some of this additional weight.  I was able to lose 60 lbs and felt pretty good.  As with any of my attempts of losing weight it never stayed off....somehow it always found me again, and before I knew it I had gained back those 60 lbs and more.

It wasn't long before my Dr told me that I was diabetic.  I was going to have to start taking meds every day for the rest of my life.  I couldn't stand the idea of doing that, I hated taking meds of any sort and knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain that.  I knew that things either had to change or I was going to die.  Somewhere along the way I also found out that I had sleep apnea. Like taking meds daily wasn't enough, but now I had to wear a mask to bed every night so that I wouldn't stop breathing.  My life was getting way to far out of control, so I decided to pursue weight loss surgery.

At the time you had to have medical issues along with being over 100 lbs over weight.  I sent my application in, and 3 months later I started the program.  It took me more than a year and a half to actually get to my surgery day, but nonetheless when that day came I was ready to bid farewell to all of my medical issues and with any luck be able to become more active with my son.

I was lucky, I was able to toss the meds away, along with the cpap machine and for the last year have been able to shed a great deal of weight and am able to be a larger participator in my sons life.  It has been a life saver for me. 

I never did this to become skinny, in fact the idea of being skinny scares the hell out of me.  There are times I run into people who haven't seen me in a while and will say "hey there skinny" and this sends shivers down my spine.  I have not shaken those feeling from childhood, but I am able to handle it differently.  Now that I am all grown up I know that I can keep myself safe, I know that no one will be able to abuse me again, and I know that I am in a much better place.  It doesn't take away the fear, but I am working on it.

The truth of the matter is this, I didn't have this surgery to become skinny or anything near it.  I did this so that I could live a healthier life.  I wanted to be there for my family, to be an active member of it, and to not have all these things that were taking days and years away from me.  This is why I had weight loss surgery, and the only reason.

Now the government has changed the requirements for the surgery.  Now you don't have to have a long list of medical problems, all you need to have is at least 100 lbs to lose, and even that isn't written in stone.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  I know that there are people who have this surgery just simply to take the fast track to getting skinny.  What they look like is the most, if not the only reason, they have this.  This sort of scares me, as I think there should be more that just body imagine involved when it comes to altering your body for life.  To me I think it would be beneficial for some people to be given alternatives.  I think if the government were willing to help people lose the weight without having to resort to surgery.  Sometimes things just get out of control, and sometimes just having the resources to help you daily at losing that weight is all you really need.  Sometimes I wonder who this surgery is going to benefit.  I am afraid that when it comes to doing this simply because of the way you will look, well what happens when it becomes work and you no longer can sustain that weight loss.  I know that this surgery had done exactly what I had hoped it would do.  Most importantly I am healthier, and that makes me happier.  No, I am not skinny, I am not any where near skinny, but as long as I never have to go back on medications I feel this has been a successful surgery for me.