4th Day!

I didn't blog yesterday because the time just got ahead of me.  Our family entered, what many of you parents will understand, the world of Skylanders.  Yes, we caved and gave in!!  Now we are officially giving our kid the kid form of crack.  This game is crazy, and addictive, and expensive and I have to admit a whole lot of fun. For those of you out there that may not know what the game is, well the easiest way for me to explain it is to say, you play a game like Mario galaxy but it's a futuristic village that floats in the middle of the sky.  The land has been taken over by these mean awful creatures and you, along with all your skylander friends help win it all back.  You have various Skylanders figures (all of which do different things in the game, eg. some are magical, some are for water etc.  hence the financial investment as they all cost around 10 bucks, and yes you do have to give into your kid and buy them all....well at least get him started) and you go through the game using different figures to defeat the evil doers!!  So, because of the new skylanders game, and the fact that I got a new book I just ran out of time to blog.

Other than the new game and the new book yesterday was really uneventful.  My therapist's appointment was cancelled due to illness so I pretty much had the day free.  I went shopping a bit (I guess you kind of guessed when I mentioned the new game and book).  I did a crap load of laundry, since the washing machine is finally fixed and I had laundry piling up since Friday.  And I got some cleaning done since the dog is still in heat and dropping tiny droplets of blood everywhere.  It is just so gross, and Zeb does not get it at all.  He just doesn't understand why we can't take her to the vet or at the very least put a bandage on it.  Of course we have tried to explain what "heat" means, but I don't think he is quite there yet to really grasp the concept.  Oh well, it will all be over soon.

I heard a really interesting quote yesterday, and it really spoke to me.  The quote was "you can accept or reject the way you're treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, work, cigarettes, sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life."—Iyanla Vanzant.  This spoke to me for so many reasons. 

Over the course of the last few years I have read, seen and heard people say things like;  the past is the past, let it go, tomorrow is your future and today is your present, forget the past, don't worry about tomorrow, live for today etc.etc.  Blah blah blah.  This is such shit I can't contain myself.  I as so sick of hearing the idea of forgetting about the past just makes it go away, well it doesn't.  IT DOESN'T.  What happens if you don't deal with the things that happened in your past is you push it down, try to forget it, but eventually it destroys every good thing about you.  Iyanla Vanzant has it right, finally someone who actually gets it. 

For me, all the things that were done to me in my childhood and even early adulthood effects me in so many ways.  It comes into play with every relationship I have, whether it be with Zeb or Damie or friends or extended family or sometimes even with the teachers and administration at Zeb's school.  I never really realized just how much impact it was having on my relationships until a couple of years ago when I lost a good friend and I started to look at why I was the way I was.  It was then that I realized, I don't trust people, I think I have to buy them to keep them, I think that if I am not everything to everyone no one will be moved to be around me.  I have thought that people just are out to hurt you, and it's just a matter of time for them to do it, and don't believe them when they tell you they care, because they really don't they just like all the things you can do for them.  These are all thoughts and feeling that I have that come straight out of the things that happened to me as a kid.  Do I need to dwell on those things, no, but I do have to understand why those things still impact me so enormously now.  I need to change the way I feel about myself and others. and I certainly need to change the way I trust, and deal with others. 



A good friend of mine went through a very bad time when I was in my twenties, and through her I found the courage and the strength to seek help with my feeling from my childhood.  I started out by talking to my family Dr. who had me to see a psychologist, who I have to say did nothing for me.  I ended up finding another family Dr. who really got it, and found me a social worker who helped me through the discovery phase.  That is what I refer to my therapy in my twenties, the discovery phase.  It was a time that I told my story to everyone, I told my parents, I told my friends and I worked thought the shame and guilt.  What I didn't do was work thorough my feelings.  I didn't express my feeling about it, or how it felt to be who I was, I just pushed it all down.  Now I have entered the light phase, this is where I want to shed the light on all those feelings and get them out.  I want to move thorough all the pain from my childhood and then maybe if I am really lucky I will come out the other side better.  And this is where I am.

I look forward to all that I have to discover, and turning off all the noise is sure helping!

Cheers!

2nd day and I am still alive!!

I can't believe how much more time I have when I am not on the computer all day, or watching TV. It's really quite astonishing.


I have to start off with a bit of a rant! Last night we had to drop my car off at the repair shop in LaSalle. This shop is wonderful, it is run by two semi-retired men who just enjoy the work and not ripping off their customers. I can't tell you how many times we have taken the vehicles in and they have done this or that at no charge. Sweet men!! As long as they are doing what they are doing I will be going there even if it is a bit out of my way. Anyway, back to my rant. Since Damie drives past this place every night on her way home from work she said to me "why don't you meet me there around 6:30" and I agreed as long as the washing machine guy was gone in time for me to get there, otherwise I said if I am not there I couldn't make it at 6:30 so just come home. Well we were lucky and the guy finished with lots of time to get there by 6:30 so off Zeb and I went. We arrived at 6:25 and there was no sign of Damie so we got comfortable (comfortable means I let Zeb climb up into the front seat and snuggle with me). 5 mins pass, no Damie. 10 mins pass, no Damie. 10 more minutes pass and here comes Damie from the wrong direction. She gets out the van and I get out of the car and I say "where were you coming from?' and she replies "from home" I could feel the heat enter my neck and travel up to my mouth and then I couldn't stop myself and I said very loudly "Why the hell are you coming from home, Zeb and I have been here since 6:25 and the deal was 6:30". Her reply was "was I went by at 6:18 and thought I would see you on the road and head back." OH NOW I AM REALLY ANGRY!!! Why does she do these things??? She didn't want to wait 7 mins to see if I showed, NO, she would rather I wait with a hungry 7 yr old for 25 mins. Things like this drive me bonkers!!! Okay, so I am done with the rant, I forgave her and made her swear she would never do anything like that again!!


We all started the day off the same, only it was alot harder to get Zeb up. He did not want to get out of bed, and even after Damie carried him to the kitchen table he still put his head down and kept asking to go back to bed. I was a little worried about sending my sleepy boy off to school, but we did.


Breakfast was one scrambled egg, yogurt with some Ezekiel cereal and blueberries mixed in. I have to tell you that is a great way to eat yogurt and I like yogurt. I had pineapple chamomile tea, along with my vitamins and today Damie and I shared a serving of the wheat grass. Yesterday we both had explosions and decided maybe we better ease into the wheat grass. I hate to admit it, but I got it down a little easier today than yesterday. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I could down it in two drinks.

I waited patiently for the washing machine repair man to show up all day just to have him call at 5 and say he wouldn't be there till 6:30. What repair man shows up at 6:30??? What a waste of a day. My car was in the shop anyway, so I couldn't have gone anywhere, but I couldn't even go for a walk. AS for the car, now when it rains it pours. 205.00 on the washing machine and now some sort of important sensor has gone on the car and that will be another 200 dollars more. It would have been more like 300 dollars but Damie found the part in the states for 50 dollars less and then when you lower the tax as well the part is much cheaper and I love cheaper!!! So much for getting a message next week with the baby bonus!! Ownership can really suck sometimes.


I had a lovely shrimp quesadilla today. Damie read someplace yesterday that if you add tomato's and olive oil to your stir fry the nutrients are absorbed into the body better. So today, I cooked my veggies in a little olive oil and cut up some cherry tomato's and put them in too. It was soooo good I think I will have it again tomorrow.


Tonight we had a lovely 13 bean soup, and some cut up dragon fruit. It was all every yummy. If you haven't tried dragon fruit you should, it is quite refreshing and very satisfying.

As for the me time, and getting things done for me. Well I guess I am not exactly on that band wagon yet. I still meander around the house doing chores, and not really focusing on me. I think Thursday will be better, mostly because I will have the whole day to myself. Tomorrow I have my first therapist appointment of the New Year and that sort of breaks the day up, but Thursday I have the whole day to myself with no repairmen coming, and no cars to be fixed. I will keep you posted on how that goes.


Now for the TV. Last night we watched the premiere of Shameless, and wow do I love that show. I think it is the first show in years where I can't wait for the next week. If you haven't seen it you really should give it a try, it is quite shameless, and a little raunchy from time to time, but the acting is outstanding and the storyline is so unique. It is refreshing to see a family on TV who don't live in million dollar houses and have wonderful pay cheques and cars. Finally back to real life, makes me miss the Rosanne show. Tonight's TV will be Parenthood, another good show, but a bit to much over talk. I do love it though. I can tell you, I am not missing TV much at all!!


Peace out!!

1st day of 39

Today was the first day of my "Change my life in 2012" commitment! Yeah, well sort of I suppose!

I am totally glad that we are actually giving it a try, but I am hurting a little. 

This morning we all woke up, well Damie woke up first to make our breakfasts, but we all woke up at 6:20 a.m. and started our morning.  The table was set, and all our Dixie cups were beside our places ready for us to start our new routine.  Those Dixie cups contain all the new pills, and chewables we are now going to have every morning.  Two capsules of fish oil, which by the way I burped up for at least an hour, two chewable multi vitamins, and two capsules of green tea extract.  Zeb's also included his ADHD meds, but other than that his was the same as ours.  I have to say, those frigging fish pills have to go, who the hell wants to burp fish when you haven't even eaten fish, and don't like the taste of to start with.  I like some fish, but I never chose the fishy tasting fish.....I think it comes from way too much time spent on lake Huron as a child and the smell of dead fish every few feet, GROSS!

Breakfast consisted of 3/4 cups of steel cut oats, which we all love.  I love red river cereal, which I will have from time to time, but steel cut oats is a very close second.  Along with our oats we had 1/3rd of a banana and 1/3rd of an orange.  Zeb is not at all fond of citrus, nor am I but I downed my vitamin D laced orange pieces, but we had to convince Zeb he wouldn't die trying it.  He bit it in half and took one taste and then swallowed that piece whole....down the hatch just like the fish pill!! He didn't choke, but man I was surprised he didn't.  No convincing from us could get the second half of the orange anywhere near his mouth....nope that sucker got thrown into the garbage.  To drink Damie and I had an nice herbal tea, mine was a pineapple chamomile, and I am not sure what hers was.  Along with the tea we had another drink sitting at our plates.....it was a new cup, filled with brownish green stuff.  Damie told me it was a nice new healthy juice, but I didn't believe it was an sort of juice...more of a potion maybe.  It did not look like anything I really wanted to drink.  I smelled it first.  It sort of smelled like cut grass a couple of day after you have cut it, but there was something else there, I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. 

Now I have to say, I am not a picky eater in any way.  Damie does not eat anything green unless it is an avocado or celery.  She will not eat fish, unless I can convince her that it does not taste fishy.  She is one of those people who put their food on their plate in separate area's an nothing shall mix....unless it is roast and gravy with mashed potatoes and then all of a sudden all of that can mix.  Anything else must keep to their area's and each will be eaten one at a time, no putting a piece of meat in to chew followed by some corn, followed by some potato, nope nothing doing as far as she is concerned.  I, on the other hand love my food mixing, I enjoy dipping my mashed potatoes into my corn and sticking it all in my mouth.  I am not at all picky, but who wants to drink something that tastes like two day old grass I ask you???

So I knew I had to do it, so I start by drinking as much as I can without stopping cause I know once you stop then you really get the taste and you may never get yourself back to it so you better get as much down as humanly possible before your gage reflex steps in and stops the party!!  Well, it wasn't so bad.  It did have that day or two old grass cut taste, not that I have actually tasted two day old grass but it is what I think it would taste like, but not only did it have that taste, there was something else in there.  I didn't really get the taste right off, but there was something lingering in the back of my mouth that I just couldn't  make out.  Well onto the second drink, doing the same as before, getting as much down as I could get in one drink.  And there it was, just as I was going to go for a breath I know what it was.  Not only did the stuff taste like two day old grass, but it tasted like a dead fish had been rolling into that two day old grass.....I couldn't reach for my tea fast enough.....just in time!!!  I know my face puckered, I know I looked green around the gills, but I hid it.  I couldn't let on like it was terrible or else Damie would know and then I wouldn't have the pleasure of watching Miss picky give it a whirl.  I waited, and waited and then there it was, Damie's first sip.  She swallows, and smiles and says "boy that stuff isn't bad, not bad at all".  Damn, I am stuck now.  If Damie didn't gag we will have to have it every day now.  boohoo!!!

Well it wasn't long until Damie and Zeb were off to work sand school and I was home alone with the dog. I allowed myself some talk radio while I cleaned up the kitchen and cleaned the laundry room but other than that and a sending a few emails off to Damie during the day that was the limit to my electronic use.  I enjoyed my day for the most part, but boy was I tired.  That is how my body reacts to not having any caffeine, but other than that I have felt pretty good.  I did a little journaling, some puzzles and I even started a new book.  The only down part of today was waiting to have the appliance Dr come and look at my dead washing machine and the fact that my 13 month old goldendoodle is in heat and bleeding all over my floor.  I can't tell you how many times I have mopped today, and I am sure the same will be said for tomorrow.  Tomorrow I plan on actually getting some work done around the place, but today I just wanted a day where I didn't have to do anything.   Tomorrow looks like it is going to be similar as the Dr is back to fix the washing machine, and the dog will still be dripping, but having quiet is a very nice thing!

I think this 39 day should prove to be quite interesting!!

New Years Eve 2011

A few years ago, my family and I started a new tradition on New Years Eve.  We all sit down and write down what we think will happen in the next year, and the next five years on a piece of paper.  We then put those pieces of paper into an envelope to only be opened on their corresponding years. On New Years Day we open the predictions and in most cases, we laugh alot cause what we thought would happen ends up being so far from what actually happened.  It's a lot of fun, and I think will become more interesting once Zeb is really old enough to take full advantage of his predictions.

2011 brought about some real changes in our lives. Some good, some not so good, some we thought would be good but turned out not to be as good as we hoped.  We moved from the only home Zeb had ever known to a different home.  He started school in his old school but moved to a new one a month later.  Damie started a new job, well, she started doing what she has always been doing just for another company.  As for me, I have tried to keep up with the changes, spending most of my time this year getting ready for a move, and then settling after the move. 

At the end of 2010 I was not speaking to my parents.  They were not in Canada over Christmas or New Years so I was able to spend that time with my family and found that it created a great deal less stress in our lives and we had a more relaxed holiday!  Now we are at the end of 2011 and both my parents have been diagnosed with cancer, one with terminal and the other with the worst kind of melanoma that you can get, we are currently waiting on the results from the biopsy to see if it has travelled to her lymph nodes.  We know that 2012 will bring loss to us, but at this point we are just not sure how much.  We are keeping our fingers crossed!

2011 has brought me some of the darkest moments in my life, but nothing I can't recover from.  I have returned to therapy, with a wonderful therapist I just happened to stumble on.  With her help I hope to rid myself of some of the demons that still lie inside me, and maybe even work out a way to accept myself, flaws and all.  I hope that with her help I can become a better mother to Zeb, learning to be kinder, softer, more present in his life.  I hope that with her help I can become a stronger, more capable woman.

I turned 44 in 2011!  Everyone says (okay, maybe not everyone but Oprah says) that you discover things about yourself in your 40's that change your perspective of who you are, who you want to be, and how you see your world.  I think that is exactly what I have been going through. I need a new perspective, cause the one I have right now is a bit more darker than I would like.  I have a hard time looking at the future as being something good, but rather one of instability and fear. I also need to forgive myself for things that I have held in my heart, but shouldn't have ever felt guilt about.  And I need to shut off all the noise.

What I have found over the course of the last couple of years is all the noise that enters my head every day.  From facebook to news, to gaming machines to having the TV on every waking moment!  I have stopped thinking deeply at all, instead I divert my attention to something else.  The noise distracts me from the things I really need to focus on, I use it so that I don't have to go to the places I need to work on.  I think we all do to some extent.  I have to figure out what it's like to just be in my own feelings, and thoughts.  I have to figure out what it's like to not have constant stimulation....that drowns me!!!

Because of this noise issue, I have decided to turn it all off.  I am going to allow myself one hour of television a day, no computer time except blogging daily, and no other sources of media.  I am going to try to live my daily life doing the have too's (like laundry, cleaning etc.) in the A.M. and in the P.M. doing only things I love to do, things I never seem to get too because I get so wrapped up in the have too's that I never do any like too's.  I am going to concentrate on doing things like walking the dog twice a day, and then also walking for myself three or four times a week (by for myself I mean with walking sticks and going at my own pace and not having to deal with a barking, sniffing, pooping dog)  I am going to try to clear my mind through meditation, and work on shutting it all off.  I know it's going to be hard, but I need to find balance.  I am going to make sure every single piece of food going into my mouth serves a purpose, instead of only serving pleasure.  I need to re look at food, and see it as something I need to live, not something I live for.  I am going to treat it like medication, instead of as entertainment.  Instead of sitting down at eight o'clock to zone out and watch TV, I am going to enjoy kid free time with my partner.  I am going to sit down with her and talk, instead of just mindlessly going through the evening. I am looking forward to all of this.

I am determined to make 2012 different.  I want to succeed at this, as finishing a project lately has become very difficult for me.  I want to make me different, and then maybe we will all become a little different.  I think sometimes we kind of fall into the same old dull routine, and I really need to shake that routine up a bit.  It has become abundantly obvious that  life really is so short.  I need to maximize my time here, to live every moment like it's my last, and above all make sure I fill Zeb with memories that stay with him forever. 

My wish for all of you in 2012 is that you two will find peace, fulfillment, and joy!! I hope all of you can discover that person inside you that is so eager to come out but up to this point you just haven't had the time to open the cage.  I hope you all are happy most of all, and that in that happiness you change your world. If we all were just happier, gosh would the world be a much better place to wake up to??

Here's to 2011, you were good to me, but I am sooo done with you Cheers!!

2012, I hope you are a more gentle year, bring me more peace, happiness and love!

It's funny how things work!

It's funny how things work.  We grow up, move out, start a career, get married, start a family, all the while getting older, but never really noticing how our parents are aging.  For some reason I have just always seen my parents as this age, and to be quite honest have never really thought they wouldn't just keep on doing what they are doing forever.  We take it all for granted, never really thinking about how limited they are until something happens and your realize you parents really aren't going to be here forever.  This realization has happened for me and my family over the course of the last couple of months.

In September my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  It is in his lungs, spine and blood, and because he has had a very compromised heart for the last 20 yrs,  they are not offering any treatment.  The plan is to make sure he is as comfortable as they can make him, and hope that the doesn't suffer more than necessary.

In the last two months I have watched him go from the dad I have always known, to this frail, weak, defeated man.  He is in pain more than he isn't, he now has to use a walker to make it to the bathroom, and he sleeps more of the day away than he is awake.  Because the drugs make him not hungry he doesn't eat more than 400 calories a day, and is wasting away.  The man I once thought of as superman as a child is now a tiny little man.  I look at him and I see the fear in his eyes, and I can see him trembling as he sits and tries to make like he is okay. I see that he knows this is the end, but has not quite got there with the acceptance part.  Somewhere deep inside he knows there aren't many more sunsets in his future, but for us, those that he feels he needs to be strong for, he lets on like he will be fine in no time.  He is putting on a brave front, and all I want him to do is sit and cry and get all those feelings out.  But he just isn't there yet.  I can't imagine how it must feel to know you really are going to go.  I think there comes a day when you welcome that exit, but until that day, it must be really scary.

No matter what the relationship has been over the years, watching this happen to someone who you love is beyond imaginable, but what is even harder to watch is my mother.  She is trying to do it all, to make sure he is looked after well at the end, because that is exactly what that 53 yrs has all been about, making it to death.  I look at her and I feel like I should be doing more, but time and distance makes doing more impossible.  My concern is that this will age her, but what can I do, she will not hear of putting him in the hospital or in hospice so that some of the load can be taken off.  She will do it, and that is all there is to it.

Because he had a very serious heart attack in 1986 and then a triple bi-pass in 1996 I really thought that we would lose him suddenly, in his sleep or as a result of a fatal heart attack but instead, we have been given this time, which gives us the chance to maybe not heal wounds but to acknowledge them and move past them.  At the end of ones life, is it really important to rehash things that you couldn't seem to have the time or energy to fix before, is it really the time to list off all the things you feel they failed at, is it really the time to blame them.  I don't think so.  I think it's a time to ready yourself for the unknown, in my dads case, and for me to morn the things we were unable to fix.  I think that it will take me time and effort to move beyond the things that happened between us, but right now I just feel the need for him to know that no matter what I love him, and always will.

I have lost many people in my life.  Grandparents, friends, co-workers and family members.  Many  people whom I have loved very much and who were great influences on my life, but losing a parent feels so different.  The thoughts of losing him is in so many ways very scary to me.  No matter how well or how poor you got along with them, they are your blood, your history.  They knew you before anyone else did.  Losing him makes me think that one day I will be without parents on this earth.  That is very scary.  I fear going threw this again with my mother, knowing that she is the last one and we will be on our own after she is gone.  It scares me to think that I will not have that reference, the person to ask when I have questions about raising my son, or the changes I will go through in my life.  I am scared to be all on my own, in a way that you never really are until they are gone.

I have a family of my own now, and I know that they are my future, but that does not change the fact that he is my daddy!  He is the only one I have ever had, and I am apart of him and he me, and when he goes he will take a piece of my heart with him.



To those of you who have taken the time to read this, will you do me a favor.  If there is someone in your life that you have things undone with, or words that need to be said, please take the time this Christmas to say those things.  Hug the ones you love like there is no tomorrow, and forget about all the crap that seems to build walls around us. Tell the people dear to you how you really feel about them, and slow down enough to enjoy it!!!

Bullying!

Over the course of the past year or so we have been hearing regularly about one child or another committing suicide as a result of being bullied.  What is going wrong with our kids nowadays??  These cases of bullying have been because some kids feel it is okay to hate someone strictly due to their sexuality, or presumed sexuality.  The last case involved a young man named Jamey Rodemeyer.  Lady Gaga dedicated a song to him, as he was a big fan of hers and had tweeted her before taking his life (you gotta love someone who puts their money where their mouth is.  I love Lady Gaga for this reason, and so many others).  He was bullied because of his bi sexuality.  Again, what is happening to kids nowadays??

I truly feel that this behaviour comes straight from the parents, not like they are telling their kids to go bully fags, but they are teaching them in the home that homo's are evil and should be destroyed.  If you don't believe that, than you are naive.  There is so much hate taught to our kids, not in school, but at home.  It comes from an early age, and is breed into them.  It doesn't always come from what the parents have chosen to believe, but comes from the churches they affiliate with.  There are churches that teach that homosexuality is the ultimate sin, and all who partake in that act should be dammed.  One of the major reason's I no longer go to church, but that is another story, one I will save for another time.

I moved to Houston Texas in 2001.  I met Damie online and within months I moved to be with her.  When I first lived there we lived in a one room apartment in an area in Houston called the Heights.  It was what some would call, "an up and coming area" of Houston.  It was mostly run down, low income, and had some pretty shady characters inhabiting it.  It was a place where artist, musicians and thespians had started to move into, and make it unique and interesting.  But those who are not a musician, thespian or artist living there are mostly low income, low educated people.  The rents were cheap and the houses were plentiful. 

While living in our small apartment I experienced my very first homophobic act.  One night, shortly before Christmas, Damie and I were enjoying the cool of the evening on the front steps of the complex.  It was a nice night, and we were enjoying the reprieve from the heat.  There was a small girl across the street playing in her side yard.  She was about 10 or 11, she was minding her own business and we ours.  Suddenly, and without notice we had a Christmas light thrown at us and break into pieces close to us on the sidewalk leading up to the complex, then another, and another  all smashing into tiny pieces.  If you have never had one of those old fashion, big bulbs break on you, you will be surprised to know that when they hit the sidewalk the break like a small firecracker going off.  We were shocked and surprised, but what followed surprised us more.  Soon after a few where thrown, the girl across the street came out of the shadows and started throwing light bulbs and yelling, "stupid dykes".  Shortly after that she changed up what she was saying to "die dykes".  Damie and I were shocked, a little scared, but most of all we were surprised that this was coming from such an innocent child.  Where did she come up with such hate, how does this happen??  We moved to another apartment, where we thought it would be better, we were wrong.

We moved into a really nice new apartment in a different section of the Heights.   We were both excited, and hoped for a better living environment.  The apartment was in a one level home that had been divided into three apartments.  Our apartment was a one bedroom at the front of the house, there was a larger two bedroom in the middle and an even larger apartment in the back that had three bedrooms.  The middle apartment was occupied with two brothers who worked in construction, they seemed nice and friendly.  The back apartment was occupied by a small family, which consisted of a husband and wife and their teen aged daughter.  It was a very nice place to live at first.  We spoke to all of the people pretty regularly, but mostly to the middle guys who seemed to be a bit more friendly than the back family.  They were fun loving, party animals, but never got too out of hand.  After a few months one of the brothers had his girlfriend move in, and we really liked her.  She was nice and friendly and would often come over and chat when we were outside.  She seemed to mix in well with everyone, until one day we found out that she had split with the brother because he found out that she had once had a boyfriend who was black.  She was very upset, and just seemed to disappear.  A few months after that we started to have trouble with the family at the back.  One day I came across the mother going through our mailbox (they were traditional mail boxes at the end of the driveway, one for each apartment).  I asked her what she was doing and she said that they thought they were not getting all their mail, and that some of their mail was being put in our mailbox by accident.  I explained to her that if that were to ever happen we would make sure she got her mail, but not to go through ours any longer.  I thought she understood and that that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.  She continued to go through our mail and it got to the point where I had to say that we would be calling the police if she didn't stop going into our mailbox, which of course lead her to calling me a fat dyke, as well as a great deal of other things, and then it was bad from that day on.  We soon felt quite uncomfortable living there, and explained this to the landlord, who did nothing.  We moved once again.

These are the only real instances where I have felt bullied for my sexuality.  I know there have been people who have chosen not to be friends with me, and there have been people who have kept their distance from me, but nothing so obvious as these two instances.  Where does this attitude come from, where do they learn that it is okay to treat people who are different than them like this?  I have to wonder.  Maybe they are just ignorant, maybe they were raised to believe this, maybe they are just bullies that have always attracted the weaker, or the ones who are more vulnerable.  I don't know.

When I was a kid I can't say I was ever really bullied.  I was teased, or at least that's how I saw it.  There were things about me that kids would make fun of, sometimes they were the same kids, sometimes it was different kids.  There was always teasing to some extent or another with every kid.  Maybe you had a funny name, maybe you were a brain, maybe you had red hair, maybe you had different habits.  Whatever it was, whoever it was, we were all teased at one time or another.  I know there were kids in my school who might have been teased more, maybe they were weaker and didn't ever defend themselves, maybe they had personalities that made them not want to attack back. What ever the case, bullying happened and if happened often.  The difference is I don't remember anyone ever killing themselves over it.

There was one time in my life, when I was in my early teens where I came across a bully.  She treated me like a friend, and I bought it up hook line and sinker.  I wanted to be friends with her, she was popular, had lots of money, and did whatever her heart desired.  Everyone seemed to flock to her, and I was one of them.  When she gave me the time of day, I was there like a dirty shirt.  I felt accepted, wanted and in some small way popular finally.  This girl took that friendship, my innocence and my willingness to please and used it to her advantage.  She led me to believe we were friends, shared secrets with me, and I with her, just to take it all and turn it back on me.  She, and a group of friends that she had, let me in just to turn on me in a way no one had ever turned on me before, or since.   She made me feel small, meaningless, but most of all she made me feel embarrassed.  She was a true bully.

A few weeks ago this same girl, who is now all grown up with kids of her own, asked for my friendship on facebook.  I couldn't believe it. All those feeling from all those years ago came flooding back, and I felt worthless all over again.  I was right back to being a teenager.  Gosh that's an awful feeling.  I sat at my desk pondering, do I accept it or not.  Do I let her in, when I felt and remembered what she had done to me all those years ago. Do I give her the satisfaction of knowing me now, when she didn't really want to know me than?  I sat at my desk for a long time and thought about it.  I decided to ask Damie what she thought and her feeling was to not accept it as there is no need to have someone like that in your life in any capacity.  I decided to accept her friendship, mainly because I think we all do things we are not proud of when we are young and stupid, and because we all deserve a second chance.  I hope I made the right decision and that I don't live to regret it.  Time will tell.

While raising my son I have tried to teach him that you have to attempt to resolve conflicts with others.  We talk about the fact that others are different from him, and even though they maybe different those differences are what makes life interesting.  I have also tried to teach him boundaries, and that those boundaries are up to his discretion and only he can decide when someone has overstepped those boundaries.  I have also shown him, by example, how to deal with people who overstep boundaries and that it can be done without anyone getting hurt.  The thing about bullying, in my opinion, is that no one can bully you if you don't let them.  People can try to make you feel bad about who you are, but unless you believe them, their attempts don't work.  It is my feeling that we need to help our kids have strong self images, and that self esteem is so important.  Knowing what is happening to your kid, and talking about what's happening will help them feel empowered to stand up for themselves, and not let a bully get to them.  We need to help our kids work through all the crazy things that happen at school, and that if they know we are always going to be on their side they will share what is happening.  Bullying will never stop, which is a sad reality, but we can stop our kids from feeling that the only way out is to kill themselves. 

The summer of 2011 will go down in history....and thank God it's history!

We have had a crazy summer here in the Fulcher house.

July was the hottest on record....so we spent it in the pool in the backyard.  Along with trying to keep Zeb busy, and getting a break from the heat, this made the month fly by and also very enjoyable.  There was the few days we spent trying to fight our landlord to fix our basement, fighting both face to face as well as in court.  I would say that the final outcome was not a win for either.  We agreed to move, as he decided it was in his best interest to just demolish the home, and I guess you could say he lost as he ended up having to pay us to go, and as far as I'm concerned lost very good tenants. 

We spent so much of our summer looking for a new place to live, fighting with our lawyers to get our landlord to follow the order that was put in place by the tribunal (which by the way he has yet to do, and short of taking him to small claims court and going through all that, we don't have a leg to stand on.....landlords have all the power in this province) , and realizing how little so many landlords in this area care about the product they have out there.  After seeing, I can't tell you how many houses, we realized that there are just so few  places around here that are actually places anyone decent would live it.  Seems to me, and just me by the way, that if you want tenants that don't destroy your home, maybe you should show you are proud of it.  I would think that if you are interested in making owning rental property's an income for you, you would take care of said property.  I can tell you, not many do.  There was one house we went into that had three bedrooms, and linen closet, and several other closets throughout that had not one closet door on any.  At the end the owner asked us if we thought he was charging a good price.  He explained that this was his only rental property and was unsure if he had set his price right.  I said to him, "I personally would never rent this home, as I personally feel that I should have doors on my closets".  His reply was that a couple of years ago he had a tenant who he thought was on "social assistance" that totally destroyed the property.  He ended up spending 15,000. on the place to fix it and just had to stop when the money ran out.  I replied to him that the only tenant he would attract to his home were those that would not care about it.  I said that anyone interested in living in a home without any doors on anything is never going to care about the upkeep of your home.  His reply was, "well, for the right person I would put on new doors".  I walked away thinking, I guess he didn't feel anyone coming to see this house would be the right person to fix what needed to be fixed.  What I have learned about this whole experience is, first, don't do anything to a rental home that you wish to be reimbursed for without there being a written agreement.  Second, if you make any sort of agreement with your landlord there has to be terms included in that agreement. Eg. If you want to use the repairs and updates you have make to a property to be used in lieu of rent, than you need to have it in writing how much those repairs and updates are worth, and for how long you can go without paying rent that would equal those updates.  Third, no matter who it is your rent from, don't trust anything they say.  If there is anything that is done that goes against your original lease, there needs to be compensation.  And lastly, if you can at any time in your life, become a landlord.  This area could use some upstanding people who want to give a good quality home at a good price.  I feel that this is one area that needs more regulation.  I didn't realize how little landlords have to do to rent people property.  There are no licences, or fee's.  There is no safety requirements, there is no class they have to take.  I can't think of anyone who has any sort of business ( and yes, rental property is in fact a business even if you only have one rental unit) where there are no licences, or required skills, or training involved.  Any Tom Dick, or Harry can pawn off their falling down, fire trap to anyone willing to pay the rent.  This has to stop.  I try not to think about how many safety violations are surrounding me in my rental home, but I do know there are plenty.  And I should be afraid.  Now, after having to do so much research this summer, I know my rights as a tenant, and I will never allow myself to be put into this position ever again.

The summer was a good one despite all the stress we were under.  I am always happy to have Zeb home with me all summer.  It gives us a time to bond, talk, and do things together and have fun.  The great part was that Damie was home for the whole summer too.  She has been between jobs, as she is waiting to start training with Allstate.  The process is alot longer than one would think, and so since it has taken until the end of Sept. to actually start she was here with us this summer.  All three of us had a good time together.  We didn't go anywhere, except to Toronto for a night ( which, if you ask Zeb, was the most amazingly wonderful trip), but other than that, we spent a few days here and there but nothing special.  We sure miss going on family trips like we did when Zeb was smaller, and we do hope we will be in that position again, however it has taught us how little our child expects from us to have fun.  I think we all get a little caught up in giving our kids things like trips to Disney, or taking them on cruises etc.  but what we have learned over the past couple of years is, all he really needs from us is us.  I like that, I like that we can have fun and feel like we really lived it up on a shoe string budget.  I think, and this is just how I feel, but I think sometimes we feel pressured into doing more than we should.  I think there was a day when no one took their kids anywhere, and they still became well rounded, balanced and interesting people.  I don't think my father went anywhere in his life, except when his mother moved him to Toronto Island for a year so she could work during war time.  Other than that I don't think he left his small town life.  I know my mother never went anywhere with her family when she was growing up.  The only place she remembers going was to the Detroit Zoo, and to see The Henry Ford Museum on a class trip.  This was the norm than, no one did much (unless you had family that you got shipped away to, or your family was rich and you were able to go on a vacation).  When I was a kid I had my mom's parents who owned 9 cottages in the Bruce Peninsula at Stokes Bay.  They rented out those cottages every year and spent the whole summer up there taking care of the renters.  I would go up there for a few weeks every summer.  It was amazing.   Each cottage was rented to a different family every week (lots of the same families came back every summer, and there was one family that came for the whole summer ever year).  I always had someone to play with, whether it be a girl or a boy it didn't much matter to me.  We would spend hours swimming in the frigid lake, playing along the shoreline, going canoeing or walking in the bush.  There was a small hamlet with a general store one mile from where we were and sometimes my grandmother would give me a quarter to walk down to the store with a friend and buy an ice cream, or black licorice.  I loved ever minute of it.  I love the nightly campfires, singing songs, or listening to scary stories, or just sitting around starring at the fire.  I love the night sounds, the quite one only knows when they are in the middle of no where.  I loved listening to the lake hitting the shore as I fell asleep.  I loved having to put on a sweatshirt and pants in the evening and feeling that warmth around me.  I loved feeling tired and sleeping soundly, in a way only a child can do.  Those summers stick in my mind, and I hope one day to give Zeb, even a little taste of what that was like. 

Summer is coming to a close, Zeb has started the first grade, and we are leaving the house we have lived in since Zeb was one.  It is all a little melancholy, a little sad.  I know we will all be just fine in our new home, but it's hard to walk away from the only home Zeb has ever known.  He will make new friends, maybe some in the neighbourhood, which will be a nice change as right now we do not have a neighbourhood.  He will do fine in his 300 student school.  And Damie and I will stay strong, and optimistic about our future.  I hope it all goes as planned, and this is the new beginning we have been looking for.