When I was a kid I was never the skinny one. No one ever told me I was skinny. I think, for the most part, I was average. Having a larger frame, there was no way I was ever going to be considered skinny, and I was good with that. My mother was disappointed by my size, I think if she had her way I would have been skin and bones with perfectly curly hair, but she got neither.
I developed young, well it seemed like I was young. This didn't help much with the size issue. No, I was not fat, but there was more than my share on my chest so I looked more on the heavy side than not. This wasn't helped by my refusal to wear a bra when I should have been. I wasn't that girl who was real feminine, and sure didn't want to be the first in my class to have to wear a bra. I had enough difficulties in grade school, I didn't need one more, so no bra for me.
For those of you who read my blog regularly, I have not kept it a secret that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I had various abusers, at various times in my childhood. The thing about being abused is, as I child, you think the reason this is happening to you is because of something you did, or it had something to do with how you looked. I remember grown ups telling me how pretty I was, and I remember how uncomfortable that made me. Hearing that was never a good thing as far as I was concerned. I was always feeling like the abuse had to do with the way I looked, and subconsciously, I guess, I decided to change things to keep people away from me. This began a life long job of gaining weight and making sure people kept their distance, and it worked.
When I graduated from grade 8 I weighed 150 lbs. I reached my forever height in the 4th grade, 5"2 1/2. This was a lot of weight to carry on that frame, but I wouldn't have said I was crazy overweight. Towards the end of the 9th grade my gym teacher (a very creepy female teacher whom I was very intimidated by) ran into me in the hall and asked me to come to her office for a little chat. Her office was at a very isolated area, which made me very uncomfortable. She had me come in, closed the door, and had me sit down. She stared off with some small talk, asking me how things were going in grade nine, that sort of thing. Then she told me how pretty I was, and wanted me to think about losing some weight so that I would be more attractive. This coming from a very overweight, not attractive woman who was not ageing well for a woman her age. I remember squirming in my chair, looking at the clock on her desk hoping this all ended fast and I could go home. I never took gym again, and led to more weight gain and image issues. By the time I entered the 12th grade I had tipped the scale at 205. At this point my mother insisted that I start seeing our family doctor to get on a weight loss program. I did start seeing him, and by the time I had graduated high school I had lost 37 lbs.
Off to college I went. I was scared, and intimidate by the mere size of the city I went to. I was from a small town, that consisted of about 5000 people, all of the same colour, all of which I either knew or knew of. Going off to Toronto was as scary as it could get for me. I was there about 3 months when at the bus stop one morning a guy noticed me and decided he was going to chat with me all the way to school. He didn't go to my school, but was on the bus the whole trip anyway. Over the course of the next few weeks he was at the bus stop more than he wasn't, each time staying on for as long as I was, always trying to communicate with me. On valentines day he was sitting at the bus stop holding a rose, and a card. This was all I could take, and from that time on I either took the college bus, which picked us up at the residence but much earlier than I would have like to head out, or I missed that class all together in order to avoid seeing him. By the time I had finished college I had put all of those 37lbs back on, and then some.
As the years went on I stayed at about the same size. Maybe there was a variance of a few pounds, but for the most part I stayed pretty constant.
When I conceived my son I was very healthy. I didn't have any real issues, other than I was very overweight. I was lucky, I had a uneventful pregnancy, I actually even lost 13 lbs during that 9 months. I never felt bad, I actually felt great.
After my son was born I just seemed to gain weight faster than one could imagine. The fact that I put myself in a bit of a cocoon for the first year didn't help. Life was getting more complicated, and I was beginning to feel less and less healthy. Finally I decided to diet, and see if I could shake some of this additional weight. I was able to lose 60 lbs and felt pretty good. As with any of my attempts of losing weight it never stayed off....somehow it always found me again, and before I knew it I had gained back those 60 lbs and more.
It wasn't long before my Dr told me that I was diabetic. I was going to have to start taking meds every day for the rest of my life. I couldn't stand the idea of doing that, I hated taking meds of any sort and knew that I wouldn't be able to sustain that. I knew that things either had to change or I was going to die. Somewhere along the way I also found out that I had sleep apnea. Like taking meds daily wasn't enough, but now I had to wear a mask to bed every night so that I wouldn't stop breathing. My life was getting way to far out of control, so I decided to pursue weight loss surgery.
At the time you had to have medical issues along with being over 100 lbs over weight. I sent my application in, and 3 months later I started the program. It took me more than a year and a half to actually get to my surgery day, but nonetheless when that day came I was ready to bid farewell to all of my medical issues and with any luck be able to become more active with my son.
I was lucky, I was able to toss the meds away, along with the cpap machine and for the last year have been able to shed a great deal of weight and am able to be a larger participator in my sons life. It has been a life saver for me.
I never did this to become skinny, in fact the idea of being skinny scares the hell out of me. There are times I run into people who haven't seen me in a while and will say "hey there skinny" and this sends shivers down my spine. I have not shaken those feeling from childhood, but I am able to handle it differently. Now that I am all grown up I know that I can keep myself safe, I know that no one will be able to abuse me again, and I know that I am in a much better place. It doesn't take away the fear, but I am working on it.
The truth of the matter is this, I didn't have this surgery to become skinny or anything near it. I did this so that I could live a healthier life. I wanted to be there for my family, to be an active member of it, and to not have all these things that were taking days and years away from me. This is why I had weight loss surgery, and the only reason.
Now the government has changed the requirements for the surgery. Now you don't have to have a long list of medical problems, all you need to have is at least 100 lbs to lose, and even that isn't written in stone. I am not sure how I feel about that. I know that there are people who have this surgery just simply to take the fast track to getting skinny. What they look like is the most, if not the only reason, they have this. This sort of scares me, as I think there should be more that just body imagine involved when it comes to altering your body for life. To me I think it would be beneficial for some people to be given alternatives. I think if the government were willing to help people lose the weight without having to resort to surgery. Sometimes things just get out of control, and sometimes just having the resources to help you daily at losing that weight is all you really need. Sometimes I wonder who this surgery is going to benefit. I am afraid that when it comes to doing this simply because of the way you will look, well what happens when it becomes work and you no longer can sustain that weight loss. I know that this surgery had done exactly what I had hoped it would do. Most importantly I am healthier, and that makes me happier. No, I am not skinny, I am not any where near skinny, but as long as I never have to go back on medications I feel this has been a successful surgery for me.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Stop stressing!!
I struggle, with so many things but one big one is how much or how little to do for my child.
I don't work. From long before we conceived our son we had made the decision that someone should be home with him before he went to school and after he came home. We really were thinking that one parent would stay home until he started full time school, and then look at both of us working, but then when we discovered that he had ADHD and needed so much more than a kid without ADHD we decided that maybe it would be best to have someone home until he was able to manage better. That day hasn't come yet, however I struggle with so many things because of it.
I know as parents we want to give our kids so much more than we ever had. To me that always meant more time, more interest, more attention. But as time has gone by, and with the invention of facebook I am realizing that I am not giving nearly what others give their children and I struggle with that.
We don't have a lot of money, it isn't easy surviving on one income these days, the world has built itself on two incomes, but we manage to make ends meet and not depend on anyone else. Sure, we go with out a great deal. We don't get the opportunity to go on big family trips, we don't get to buy the car or home of our dreams, and we certainly don't buy all the newest gadgets. There are times that I feel really bad, he doesn't get all of the "things" that his peers get, but then I remind myself of the sacrifice we have made for him. I would love to go and work away from the house, it would be a nice change for me, and I would be able to buy him things that we could only dream of buying him now. I would make friends of my own, and have somewhere to go every day. I would really like that, and know so many who wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they didn't go out to work everyday. Then there are those that never see their kids but they can buy them all the ipods, ipads, and iphones that any one 8 yr old can handle. Yes, they can fill their lives with plenty of "things" that I could never buy, but really is it getting those kids anywhere.
When I am feeling bad about the lack of things and places to visit in my sons life, I remind myself that he will grow up and be able to say that his mom was there for him for all the important things in his life. I will never miss a dance recital, an event at school, a heartbreaking conversation with the girl who will break his heart for the first time. I will be there for all of the moments, maybe he won't be able to call me on his iphone, but he will be able to walk into the kitchen and sit down and talk to me. No, he may never have an ipad, but really, does he really need one? I grew up without one, and somehow I managed.
I give working mothers a great deal of credit. I can't imagine doing all the things I do a day and work a full time job on top of that. I think good for you if you can do it. I know that if I tried I would not do a good job at anything...and I want to be good at one thing, raising my child.
I think we really should sit down and think about what is really important in life, in our child's life. All the gadgets, all the vacations, all the stuff isn't going to improve their existence, but being there, really being present is what will. I don't think any mother, or father for that matter should feel bad about working full time. I think that it's just as important as staying home with your kids. What I am saying is don't stress about all the stuff. Don't think that you have to fill their lives with all kinds of things, all they ever really want is you. Yes, maybe they will ask for all that stuff, but really, if it means you work two jobs and never see them in order to get all that, don't. They will thank you for it later, believe me!
I don't work. From long before we conceived our son we had made the decision that someone should be home with him before he went to school and after he came home. We really were thinking that one parent would stay home until he started full time school, and then look at both of us working, but then when we discovered that he had ADHD and needed so much more than a kid without ADHD we decided that maybe it would be best to have someone home until he was able to manage better. That day hasn't come yet, however I struggle with so many things because of it.
I know as parents we want to give our kids so much more than we ever had. To me that always meant more time, more interest, more attention. But as time has gone by, and with the invention of facebook I am realizing that I am not giving nearly what others give their children and I struggle with that.
We don't have a lot of money, it isn't easy surviving on one income these days, the world has built itself on two incomes, but we manage to make ends meet and not depend on anyone else. Sure, we go with out a great deal. We don't get the opportunity to go on big family trips, we don't get to buy the car or home of our dreams, and we certainly don't buy all the newest gadgets. There are times that I feel really bad, he doesn't get all of the "things" that his peers get, but then I remind myself of the sacrifice we have made for him. I would love to go and work away from the house, it would be a nice change for me, and I would be able to buy him things that we could only dream of buying him now. I would make friends of my own, and have somewhere to go every day. I would really like that, and know so many who wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they didn't go out to work everyday. Then there are those that never see their kids but they can buy them all the ipods, ipads, and iphones that any one 8 yr old can handle. Yes, they can fill their lives with plenty of "things" that I could never buy, but really is it getting those kids anywhere.
When I am feeling bad about the lack of things and places to visit in my sons life, I remind myself that he will grow up and be able to say that his mom was there for him for all the important things in his life. I will never miss a dance recital, an event at school, a heartbreaking conversation with the girl who will break his heart for the first time. I will be there for all of the moments, maybe he won't be able to call me on his iphone, but he will be able to walk into the kitchen and sit down and talk to me. No, he may never have an ipad, but really, does he really need one? I grew up without one, and somehow I managed.
I give working mothers a great deal of credit. I can't imagine doing all the things I do a day and work a full time job on top of that. I think good for you if you can do it. I know that if I tried I would not do a good job at anything...and I want to be good at one thing, raising my child.
I think we really should sit down and think about what is really important in life, in our child's life. All the gadgets, all the vacations, all the stuff isn't going to improve their existence, but being there, really being present is what will. I don't think any mother, or father for that matter should feel bad about working full time. I think that it's just as important as staying home with your kids. What I am saying is don't stress about all the stuff. Don't think that you have to fill their lives with all kinds of things, all they ever really want is you. Yes, maybe they will ask for all that stuff, but really, if it means you work two jobs and never see them in order to get all that, don't. They will thank you for it later, believe me!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
One down, three more to go!
I finally finished a project I started almost a year ago. I have to admit, when I started I never thought it would take as long as it did, and I didn't know that I would learn this much about myself during the process.
Late last summer, while trolling kijiji (Canada's version of Craig's list) I came across this old work bench that someone was trying to give away. Yes, give it away, first come first serve, no money required. The thing looked in pretty bad shape, but I could see it had potential...if I was willing to give it some elbow grease. I called the owner immediately and was told that someone else had said they wanted it, but had not yet come to pick it up. I jumped on that, called my partner at work and arranged for her to pick it up on the way home from work. With all the arrangements made, I sat and waiting to see what it was I had just got myself into.
When the van finally pulled into the driveway I practically ran down the driveway, I couldn't wait to see what it was that I had gotten myself into. I ran to the back and flew open the back door and there it was, bigger than I had imagined, and in worse shape than it had appeared online, but still really beautiful. I knew in my head that it was going to be hard, but in my heart I knew I could make it beautiful. We unloaded it and put it in the garage, where it would sit for several weeks before I even really took a good look at it.
One Saturday afternoon, after hearing for the hundredth time or so "when are you going to start working on the bench" I decided it was time to start. Over to the garage I went, pulling it outside, getting a really good look at what it was and what it needed. There was a really good table under all the 2x4's on top, but I wondered if there would be anything work salvaging once I removed all that needed removing. It was worth the look I decided.
With crowbar in hand and some hammers we made our way to the bench. We both worked up a sweat trying to remove the wood, which by the way were nailed in so hard I have to wonder what anyone was thinking when they did such a thing to such a beauty. Finally, after a good hour of pulling and grunting we had the top layer off. Finally, all that was left was this beautiful tiger maple table top, just waiting for someone to love it. The day was done, all the time we had that day was spent, and back into the garage it went, where it sat for more than a month, almost two.
It was mid fall before I decided to get back to work on the project. My office was in a terrible mess and I needed a good desk with drawers, so I really needed to get this thing done. It was my Achilles heel, just sitting there reminding me on a daily bases how I needed to get it together and actually finish the project.
I had become a bit of a procrastinator. Not exactly a personal trait of mine, but something that had happened over the course of the last few years. I had all these great ideas, but for one reason or another I just couldn't seem to finished anything. I was stuck, and I needed to get unstuck. My fear was that this table was just going to sit there in the garage and become just one more reminder to me of how out of control my life had become, and how little effort I had been putting into moving forward. I was determined not to let this happen this time.
The day came when I decided I must start. I went to the store and bought a heat gun, to help remove the silver paint (yes the whole thing was painted in metallic silver, poor thing). I went to work at it that day, even though it was pretty chilly out and I would need to work hard at keeping warm, and getting the paint off. I work for a few hours that day, and then again a couple days later, and then a week or so later I again gave it some effort. Not much was happening. I had removed some of the silver paint, but discovered there was at least one layer of white below that, and under the paint there was a finish, maybe shellac or something. This was going to take an investment in time, a big one.
The weather quickly went from cool to cold, dry to wet, possible to impossible. Soon the desk was alone again in the garage, where it would sit for the winter months without being touched. Again, working as a daily reminder of what I was not doing...
This spring was a cold one, for the most part, so I didn't get out there until May, but went out with determination to get it done. I gave up on trying to melt the paint away with a heat gun, I decided to turn to chemicals. After more than 20 hours, and many chemical burns later the thing was finally stripped. Yes, I was finally past the part I thought I would never finish....this was a great step in the right direction. Next was the stain. We picked up two wonderful dark colours, ones we thought would bring it back to what should have been it's original glory. We were right. It worked beautifully, if I do say so myself. The only remaining obstacle facing me at this point was the top. It was riddled with holes, and although I tried many different ways in which to fill them, I couldn't find anything that did it justice in my mind....yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to things like this. I thought about it for days, sometimes falling asleep at night trying to work out the problem.
This is where I leaned the biggest lesson. This is the part that sets me off, puts be in a place where I have to accept that doing something is better than not doing anything at all. This is when I have to remind myself that it's better to finish something, even if it's not perfect, rather than let it just sit there.
An idea came to me, one I felt really good about, and I knew I would be able to live with. I decided that maybe what I could do is add some leather across the top, covering all the obvious holes. Then that idea grew to one of maybe I could go even further than that, maybe I could find some old belts and make them the leather straps that would do the trick. So off to the thrift stores I went. I had it in my mind that I wanted to find the roughest, worn out belts I could find. Seems simple don't you think, well it's not. Seems thrift stores don't put out bad looking belts....but I found two that I thought would work and came home and gave them a look. Yes, they were going to work out great.
I finally finished it, and made it beautiful in my mind. I am proud that I didn't let this project take over me, or win. I'm glad that I could persevere and achieve a finished project I could be proud of. Too many times, when the going gets rough, I have just walked away and thrown in the towel in defeat. I am glad I didn't do that this time, it reminds me that if I actually put my mind to something, nothing can stand in my way. And, I have a great looking desk to prove it daily to myself.
Late last summer, while trolling kijiji (Canada's version of Craig's list) I came across this old work bench that someone was trying to give away. Yes, give it away, first come first serve, no money required. The thing looked in pretty bad shape, but I could see it had potential...if I was willing to give it some elbow grease. I called the owner immediately and was told that someone else had said they wanted it, but had not yet come to pick it up. I jumped on that, called my partner at work and arranged for her to pick it up on the way home from work. With all the arrangements made, I sat and waiting to see what it was I had just got myself into.
When the van finally pulled into the driveway I practically ran down the driveway, I couldn't wait to see what it was that I had gotten myself into. I ran to the back and flew open the back door and there it was, bigger than I had imagined, and in worse shape than it had appeared online, but still really beautiful. I knew in my head that it was going to be hard, but in my heart I knew I could make it beautiful. We unloaded it and put it in the garage, where it would sit for several weeks before I even really took a good look at it.
One Saturday afternoon, after hearing for the hundredth time or so "when are you going to start working on the bench" I decided it was time to start. Over to the garage I went, pulling it outside, getting a really good look at what it was and what it needed. There was a really good table under all the 2x4's on top, but I wondered if there would be anything work salvaging once I removed all that needed removing. It was worth the look I decided.
With crowbar in hand and some hammers we made our way to the bench. We both worked up a sweat trying to remove the wood, which by the way were nailed in so hard I have to wonder what anyone was thinking when they did such a thing to such a beauty. Finally, after a good hour of pulling and grunting we had the top layer off. Finally, all that was left was this beautiful tiger maple table top, just waiting for someone to love it. The day was done, all the time we had that day was spent, and back into the garage it went, where it sat for more than a month, almost two.
It was mid fall before I decided to get back to work on the project. My office was in a terrible mess and I needed a good desk with drawers, so I really needed to get this thing done. It was my Achilles heel, just sitting there reminding me on a daily bases how I needed to get it together and actually finish the project.
I had become a bit of a procrastinator. Not exactly a personal trait of mine, but something that had happened over the course of the last few years. I had all these great ideas, but for one reason or another I just couldn't seem to finished anything. I was stuck, and I needed to get unstuck. My fear was that this table was just going to sit there in the garage and become just one more reminder to me of how out of control my life had become, and how little effort I had been putting into moving forward. I was determined not to let this happen this time.
The day came when I decided I must start. I went to the store and bought a heat gun, to help remove the silver paint (yes the whole thing was painted in metallic silver, poor thing). I went to work at it that day, even though it was pretty chilly out and I would need to work hard at keeping warm, and getting the paint off. I work for a few hours that day, and then again a couple days later, and then a week or so later I again gave it some effort. Not much was happening. I had removed some of the silver paint, but discovered there was at least one layer of white below that, and under the paint there was a finish, maybe shellac or something. This was going to take an investment in time, a big one.
The weather quickly went from cool to cold, dry to wet, possible to impossible. Soon the desk was alone again in the garage, where it would sit for the winter months without being touched. Again, working as a daily reminder of what I was not doing...
This spring was a cold one, for the most part, so I didn't get out there until May, but went out with determination to get it done. I gave up on trying to melt the paint away with a heat gun, I decided to turn to chemicals. After more than 20 hours, and many chemical burns later the thing was finally stripped. Yes, I was finally past the part I thought I would never finish....this was a great step in the right direction. Next was the stain. We picked up two wonderful dark colours, ones we thought would bring it back to what should have been it's original glory. We were right. It worked beautifully, if I do say so myself. The only remaining obstacle facing me at this point was the top. It was riddled with holes, and although I tried many different ways in which to fill them, I couldn't find anything that did it justice in my mind....yes I can be a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to things like this. I thought about it for days, sometimes falling asleep at night trying to work out the problem.
This is where I leaned the biggest lesson. This is the part that sets me off, puts be in a place where I have to accept that doing something is better than not doing anything at all. This is when I have to remind myself that it's better to finish something, even if it's not perfect, rather than let it just sit there.
An idea came to me, one I felt really good about, and I knew I would be able to live with. I decided that maybe what I could do is add some leather across the top, covering all the obvious holes. Then that idea grew to one of maybe I could go even further than that, maybe I could find some old belts and make them the leather straps that would do the trick. So off to the thrift stores I went. I had it in my mind that I wanted to find the roughest, worn out belts I could find. Seems simple don't you think, well it's not. Seems thrift stores don't put out bad looking belts....but I found two that I thought would work and came home and gave them a look. Yes, they were going to work out great.
I finally finished it, and made it beautiful in my mind. I am proud that I didn't let this project take over me, or win. I'm glad that I could persevere and achieve a finished project I could be proud of. Too many times, when the going gets rough, I have just walked away and thrown in the towel in defeat. I am glad I didn't do that this time, it reminds me that if I actually put my mind to something, nothing can stand in my way. And, I have a great looking desk to prove it daily to myself.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Have the phone surgically attached to your head, it might save you some time!
Sometime ago I decided that I wanted to watch ever movie Amy Adams ever made. Obviously this is a very unattainable goal, as there are many movies she is in that I know in my heart I couldn't sit and watch. The Muppets is just one that comes to mind. I don't know why, maybe I have a little crush on her, or maybe it's just because I love the roles she picks and I think that there must be a little piece of her in ever one of those roles. If that's the case, then I think she just might be someone I would like to know, but in all reality I would never want to meet.
Watching people, either in the movies, or in real life we sometimes think we know who they are, when in reality we have no real idea at all. We make up this idea of who they are in our minds, and we like that idea, we go with it. Sometimes, those images of people are shattered when we do get to know them, or have an opportunity to meet them, as the reality is they are nothing like what we imagined.
I remember years ago Rosie O'Donnell wanted to have Barbra Streisand on her show (back in the day of the Rosie show). I remember for months she had this campaign going on, daily she would plead with Ms. Streisand to come and sit in the chair. It became kind of a running joke, no one ever thought for a minute she would actually ever oblige her. Until one day when a phone call was pushed onto the set for Rosie and on the other end was Barbra, telling her how honored she was that Rosie wanted her there so badly, but also questioned if she did, in fact, actually want that dream to become a reality. You see, Ms. Streisand was afraid that her idea of her would change after she actually met her. That Rosie had this made up idea of who Barbra Streisand was, and by meeting her that idea, that dream would be shattered by the reality of who she really is. I can understand that, especially in this case, as Rosie identified Barbra Streisand with her dead mother, the connection between the two, and who would ever want to take that away from someone.
I have had that sort of thing happen in my life. I have gotten to know, or at least have gotten the feeling about someone, but when I actually take the time to get to know them the idea was so off...way off. I have felt disappointed, in so many ways, and sure would have like to have gone back to my imagined idea of who they were.
There is someone in my life right now that I have gotten the chance to get to know, who I once had an idea of that is completely different than what has turned out to be the reality. Yes, I feel disappointed, but it's not their fault. I didn't know who they were when I conjured up this fantasy, it's not their fault that they didn't live up to it, it's all in my head. I know that it's a let down, a loss of an ideal that I wish I hadn't had, but yet I have. It's not that this person is bad, or not someone I would like, they just aren't what I thought they were.
You don't really know anyone, do you, until you actually get to know them. I think we all make up these imaginary idea's of who the people are in our lives, and then for some reason are shocked when we discover they are not at all that way. It take a long time to really get to know someone, a long time, and a great deal of effort from both sides. I have learned that truly good friends happen over time, not over night. It's mostly because you give yourself a chance to really get to know them.
I enjoy the process of getting to know a person, what makes them tick and all that. I am truly interested in the inner workings of people, but honestly, that has become more and more difficult to do as of late. It's overwhelmingly turning into a surface world. One where we only touch the surface of people, without ever taking the time to dig a little deeper. Life has just gotten too complicated for out own good, I think. I think we have all these instruments in our daily life that are supposed to simplify our lives, but in reality they consume us. We don't have time anymore for real relationships, nothing more than a 149 digit explanation of what is happening, nothing more than a status update from time to time. All of our time goes to punching in keys and leaving the thoughts on the page.
I miss the time when we actually connected, and wanted to. I want those days back!
Watching people, either in the movies, or in real life we sometimes think we know who they are, when in reality we have no real idea at all. We make up this idea of who they are in our minds, and we like that idea, we go with it. Sometimes, those images of people are shattered when we do get to know them, or have an opportunity to meet them, as the reality is they are nothing like what we imagined.
I remember years ago Rosie O'Donnell wanted to have Barbra Streisand on her show (back in the day of the Rosie show). I remember for months she had this campaign going on, daily she would plead with Ms. Streisand to come and sit in the chair. It became kind of a running joke, no one ever thought for a minute she would actually ever oblige her. Until one day when a phone call was pushed onto the set for Rosie and on the other end was Barbra, telling her how honored she was that Rosie wanted her there so badly, but also questioned if she did, in fact, actually want that dream to become a reality. You see, Ms. Streisand was afraid that her idea of her would change after she actually met her. That Rosie had this made up idea of who Barbra Streisand was, and by meeting her that idea, that dream would be shattered by the reality of who she really is. I can understand that, especially in this case, as Rosie identified Barbra Streisand with her dead mother, the connection between the two, and who would ever want to take that away from someone.
I have had that sort of thing happen in my life. I have gotten to know, or at least have gotten the feeling about someone, but when I actually take the time to get to know them the idea was so off...way off. I have felt disappointed, in so many ways, and sure would have like to have gone back to my imagined idea of who they were.
There is someone in my life right now that I have gotten the chance to get to know, who I once had an idea of that is completely different than what has turned out to be the reality. Yes, I feel disappointed, but it's not their fault. I didn't know who they were when I conjured up this fantasy, it's not their fault that they didn't live up to it, it's all in my head. I know that it's a let down, a loss of an ideal that I wish I hadn't had, but yet I have. It's not that this person is bad, or not someone I would like, they just aren't what I thought they were.
You don't really know anyone, do you, until you actually get to know them. I think we all make up these imaginary idea's of who the people are in our lives, and then for some reason are shocked when we discover they are not at all that way. It take a long time to really get to know someone, a long time, and a great deal of effort from both sides. I have learned that truly good friends happen over time, not over night. It's mostly because you give yourself a chance to really get to know them.
I enjoy the process of getting to know a person, what makes them tick and all that. I am truly interested in the inner workings of people, but honestly, that has become more and more difficult to do as of late. It's overwhelmingly turning into a surface world. One where we only touch the surface of people, without ever taking the time to dig a little deeper. Life has just gotten too complicated for out own good, I think. I think we have all these instruments in our daily life that are supposed to simplify our lives, but in reality they consume us. We don't have time anymore for real relationships, nothing more than a 149 digit explanation of what is happening, nothing more than a status update from time to time. All of our time goes to punching in keys and leaving the thoughts on the page.
I miss the time when we actually connected, and wanted to. I want those days back!
Friday, May 17, 2013
This week.
This week has been an interesting one to say the least. My life has been a bit busier than normal, we have been puppy sitting. She is the sweetest little thing, and so loving...it hasn't been difficult really, just busier since you have to take her out hourly and also hug her, and squeeze her, and play with her, and cuddle with her, and bath her after she pooped in her cage while I was at the gym and walked all over it. It's been lots of fun and she will be missed for sure.
This week we, the public, found out what happened to a man who had gone missing a week or so before. He was selling his truck on the Internet (kijiji, Canada's equivalent to Craig's list). Two men came to take it for a test drive and they never came back. This week we were told that he was found, dead, leaving a wife and a young child behind.
This case has just brought out so many emotions in so many people. It's hard to believe something like this can happen in such an innocent act. It's hard to believe that someone could kill another for no other reason than to just do it...they didn't need to kill him if it was just about the truck. I think we all held our children tighter after hearing the news, I think we all started to question our regular actions and wonder how on earth we can safeguard ourselves against being a victim of such a heinous crime.
We are left with many questions, some I'm sure will never be answered. We are left wondering what's next, things just seem to be getting worse and worse out there. But most importantly, I know I am left with the question of, do we do enough to people in this country who commit such incredible acts of evil. I am wondering if we do. I am wondering if we should go further, maybe even reconsider the death penalty. I have never really thought it was right to take a life for a life, two wrongs don't make a right and all that, but I have to wonder what else can we do with someone who is obviously so gone that this type of act makes sense to them. It is something I think is worth looking at, debating and finding out if it makes sense. Raw emotions are ramped right now, so I am not sure this is the right time to have that debate, but I do think it's time to weigh it out.
My thoughts are with Tim Bosma's family, with his broken wife, with his fatherless daughter, who will only know her father through the stories his family and friends will share with her over the course of his life. My thoughts are also with the family and friends of Dellen Millard, who has been charged with the first degree murder of Tim. His family will have a very long road ahead, questioning what they did wrong, how they could have helped him, why. It's a very sad situation all the way around.
This week we also heard about Angelina Jolie, and the incredible decision she made when she decided to have a total mastectomy, due to the fact that she tested positive to the gene that gave her a better than 70% chance of getting breast cancer. This is never an easy decision, but if you have kids the decision is made easier. I think any woman who decides to have this done is brave, but more importantly values her life and those of her children. For me, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have to think about it long. Being here for my son means more to me than having the breasts I was born with. I made a decision to have gastric bypass surgery, not to become skinny, but to be here to watch and participate in my sons growing up years. I need to see him graduate, go to college, get married, have kids....I just need that, so making a decision to do whatever it takes to help ensure that happening is an easy thing to do. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but that is not in my control...what I can control I will. Bravo Angelina, not just for putting your children first, but for sharing this with the public. It will help with the decisions of so many women I'm sure.
Finally, this week we increased my sons ADHD meds. He had been having difficulty at school...mostly with impulse control, so we talked to our Dr. and he agreed that he might just need an adjustment. We have seen an improvement, and I think the school has to. It's a hard balance, one I'm not sure I will ever get the hang of. We try to give him just enough that it helps, but not too much that we lose our little boy. Having trouble at school has so many ramifications, it's just surprising until you really sit down and think about it. He can't control his impulses, so if he doesn't like something you have said to him, well he might walk by you brushing up against you hard enough to make you hit your elbow on a door frame. He might get it in his mind that he wants to touch that new toy you brought to school, even though you don't want him to, but before you know it he has and your are upset with him. These sorts of actions make it hard to make and keep friends. Over the course of the last month or so he has been sharing with us that the kids at school leave him out of play. As a mother this breaks my heart, but logically I know that it's tough for 3rd graders to understand, let alone, accommodate a child who acts up and does things that really bug you. I recognize that my boy doesn't mean to do the things he does, but I also recognize that those around him have a two choices, they can let him in and maybe get hurt, or they can leave him out and not have to worry about who gets hurt. I feel bad for my little boy, and hope that the change in meds, and maybe a summer break might make the difference when it comes to friends. It's hard being in the 3rd grade, no matter what, but it's so much harder when you just can't seem to control your actions. The stress of motherhood.
It's been a very eventful week for everyone....lets hope next week is a little more boring than this one was.
This week we, the public, found out what happened to a man who had gone missing a week or so before. He was selling his truck on the Internet (kijiji, Canada's equivalent to Craig's list). Two men came to take it for a test drive and they never came back. This week we were told that he was found, dead, leaving a wife and a young child behind.
This case has just brought out so many emotions in so many people. It's hard to believe something like this can happen in such an innocent act. It's hard to believe that someone could kill another for no other reason than to just do it...they didn't need to kill him if it was just about the truck. I think we all held our children tighter after hearing the news, I think we all started to question our regular actions and wonder how on earth we can safeguard ourselves against being a victim of such a heinous crime.
We are left with many questions, some I'm sure will never be answered. We are left wondering what's next, things just seem to be getting worse and worse out there. But most importantly, I know I am left with the question of, do we do enough to people in this country who commit such incredible acts of evil. I am wondering if we do. I am wondering if we should go further, maybe even reconsider the death penalty. I have never really thought it was right to take a life for a life, two wrongs don't make a right and all that, but I have to wonder what else can we do with someone who is obviously so gone that this type of act makes sense to them. It is something I think is worth looking at, debating and finding out if it makes sense. Raw emotions are ramped right now, so I am not sure this is the right time to have that debate, but I do think it's time to weigh it out.
My thoughts are with Tim Bosma's family, with his broken wife, with his fatherless daughter, who will only know her father through the stories his family and friends will share with her over the course of his life. My thoughts are also with the family and friends of Dellen Millard, who has been charged with the first degree murder of Tim. His family will have a very long road ahead, questioning what they did wrong, how they could have helped him, why. It's a very sad situation all the way around.
This week we also heard about Angelina Jolie, and the incredible decision she made when she decided to have a total mastectomy, due to the fact that she tested positive to the gene that gave her a better than 70% chance of getting breast cancer. This is never an easy decision, but if you have kids the decision is made easier. I think any woman who decides to have this done is brave, but more importantly values her life and those of her children. For me, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have to think about it long. Being here for my son means more to me than having the breasts I was born with. I made a decision to have gastric bypass surgery, not to become skinny, but to be here to watch and participate in my sons growing up years. I need to see him graduate, go to college, get married, have kids....I just need that, so making a decision to do whatever it takes to help ensure that happening is an easy thing to do. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, but that is not in my control...what I can control I will. Bravo Angelina, not just for putting your children first, but for sharing this with the public. It will help with the decisions of so many women I'm sure.
Finally, this week we increased my sons ADHD meds. He had been having difficulty at school...mostly with impulse control, so we talked to our Dr. and he agreed that he might just need an adjustment. We have seen an improvement, and I think the school has to. It's a hard balance, one I'm not sure I will ever get the hang of. We try to give him just enough that it helps, but not too much that we lose our little boy. Having trouble at school has so many ramifications, it's just surprising until you really sit down and think about it. He can't control his impulses, so if he doesn't like something you have said to him, well he might walk by you brushing up against you hard enough to make you hit your elbow on a door frame. He might get it in his mind that he wants to touch that new toy you brought to school, even though you don't want him to, but before you know it he has and your are upset with him. These sorts of actions make it hard to make and keep friends. Over the course of the last month or so he has been sharing with us that the kids at school leave him out of play. As a mother this breaks my heart, but logically I know that it's tough for 3rd graders to understand, let alone, accommodate a child who acts up and does things that really bug you. I recognize that my boy doesn't mean to do the things he does, but I also recognize that those around him have a two choices, they can let him in and maybe get hurt, or they can leave him out and not have to worry about who gets hurt. I feel bad for my little boy, and hope that the change in meds, and maybe a summer break might make the difference when it comes to friends. It's hard being in the 3rd grade, no matter what, but it's so much harder when you just can't seem to control your actions. The stress of motherhood.
It's been a very eventful week for everyone....lets hope next week is a little more boring than this one was.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Z
It's finally over....the end is here, I am glad I did it, but I'm glad to be done.
This is my second A-Z challenge and I have to say this year was more difficult than last year. I enjoyed it this year, but I found it more difficult to find the time to sit down and actually write something that anyone would want to read.....sometimes I didn't even feel like reading what I wrote so I apologize for some of the lame posts. It's surprisingly difficult to come up with interesting things to say in regards to a certain letter.
Writing everyday has made me realize how much I enjoy it, but I do like writing about what I feel like more than a certain thing...like a letter. I like to feel it, feel the need to share it, and sometimes that just didn't happen this year. Last year I had more to say, more time to say it, and it seemed to come easier. This year my life is busy...not that I am complaining at all...just is. I am grateful for the busyness of my life, I enjoy having places to go, people to talk to and not just sitting idle. I am truly loving life.
Today is my birthday....and no, you don't need to know how old I am, but I am old enough to know that life just gets better if you give it a chance. I can honestly remember times in my life where I truly believed there was no end to the misery, no end to the darkness, no end to the sadness that surrounded me like a warm blanket. I lived through those days, somehow, just putting my feet on the floor every morning, breathing in and out all day, and closing my eyes at night. There were plenty of nights I prayed the pain would stop, and woke up in the morning with it hitting me like a brick wall. I remember all of those times, and now I can truly appreciate how much has changed. For anyone who is going through difficult times, please take my word for it, it gets better. You just have to put your feet on the floor every morning, breath in and out all day long, and cuddle into the belief every night that things will eventually get better. You just have to believe, you just have to have faith. Life is definitely a roller coaster ride, sometime the ups and downs can be fun, sometimes they are more like a nightmare, but all of it makes us who we are.
I wouldn't trade one of those miserable nights for anything. I wouldn't want to not have lived through what I have had to live through to get to today, I needed every single moment of it to be where I am today, and where I am today is heaven on earth to me. It isn't perfect, it isn't always easy, but it's a whole lot better than it was. I look forward to the morning now, to the craziness, to the smiles I see as I walk into the kitchen. I love walking my son to school, watching him play on the school yard, having small chats with the other mother's as we watch. These woman have become so important to me, just those few minutes of connecting have become such sweet moments in my life now. I am blessed.
When things get bad, just hold on. Hold onto whatever and whoever you can....it's through that strength that you will make it, it's possible.
Thanks for reading my posts, and I hope you will stay tuned to what is to come...whatever that might be~
This is my second A-Z challenge and I have to say this year was more difficult than last year. I enjoyed it this year, but I found it more difficult to find the time to sit down and actually write something that anyone would want to read.....sometimes I didn't even feel like reading what I wrote so I apologize for some of the lame posts. It's surprisingly difficult to come up with interesting things to say in regards to a certain letter.
Writing everyday has made me realize how much I enjoy it, but I do like writing about what I feel like more than a certain thing...like a letter. I like to feel it, feel the need to share it, and sometimes that just didn't happen this year. Last year I had more to say, more time to say it, and it seemed to come easier. This year my life is busy...not that I am complaining at all...just is. I am grateful for the busyness of my life, I enjoy having places to go, people to talk to and not just sitting idle. I am truly loving life.
Today is my birthday....and no, you don't need to know how old I am, but I am old enough to know that life just gets better if you give it a chance. I can honestly remember times in my life where I truly believed there was no end to the misery, no end to the darkness, no end to the sadness that surrounded me like a warm blanket. I lived through those days, somehow, just putting my feet on the floor every morning, breathing in and out all day, and closing my eyes at night. There were plenty of nights I prayed the pain would stop, and woke up in the morning with it hitting me like a brick wall. I remember all of those times, and now I can truly appreciate how much has changed. For anyone who is going through difficult times, please take my word for it, it gets better. You just have to put your feet on the floor every morning, breath in and out all day long, and cuddle into the belief every night that things will eventually get better. You just have to believe, you just have to have faith. Life is definitely a roller coaster ride, sometime the ups and downs can be fun, sometimes they are more like a nightmare, but all of it makes us who we are.
I wouldn't trade one of those miserable nights for anything. I wouldn't want to not have lived through what I have had to live through to get to today, I needed every single moment of it to be where I am today, and where I am today is heaven on earth to me. It isn't perfect, it isn't always easy, but it's a whole lot better than it was. I look forward to the morning now, to the craziness, to the smiles I see as I walk into the kitchen. I love walking my son to school, watching him play on the school yard, having small chats with the other mother's as we watch. These woman have become so important to me, just those few minutes of connecting have become such sweet moments in my life now. I am blessed.
When things get bad, just hold on. Hold onto whatever and whoever you can....it's through that strength that you will make it, it's possible.
Thanks for reading my posts, and I hope you will stay tuned to what is to come...whatever that might be~
Years
When I was a kid, one of the things I heard all the time was "enjoy your childhood, it's the best years of your life". I didn't get that then, but now that I have reached middle age I understand it a bit more.
The years fly by. When faced with a long term contract, like a mortgage or car loan you think, "wow, 5 yrs until this car is paid off is such a long time". The fact of the matter is, the older you get the faster it goes. School years just fly, sometimes I wonder where the time goes. My little boy is growing up so fast, it's really quite amazing.
Do I think the childhood years are the best of your life. Well, if you are talking about the fact that you get to have a great deal less stress, your worries are less, your fun is way more. However, I wouldn't trade this time of my life for anything.
Being middle age has it's advantages, and it's disadvantages. Yes, I have to think about things like, bills, dentists, clothes, school, raising a child right. But I also get to have total control over my life, I get to enjoy raising my child, I get to eat what I want, go where I want, sleep when I want, play when I want. As a child I remember someone else calling all of those shots and more. I always felt out of control, I felt like nothing was in my power. I love life now.
It's so important to live everyday like it's your last, not just because you might not get a tomorrow, but because time goes so fast. Tomorrow never comes, yesterday is just a memory, today is where it's at. Don't sweat the small things, and live for today!
The years fly by. When faced with a long term contract, like a mortgage or car loan you think, "wow, 5 yrs until this car is paid off is such a long time". The fact of the matter is, the older you get the faster it goes. School years just fly, sometimes I wonder where the time goes. My little boy is growing up so fast, it's really quite amazing.
Do I think the childhood years are the best of your life. Well, if you are talking about the fact that you get to have a great deal less stress, your worries are less, your fun is way more. However, I wouldn't trade this time of my life for anything.
Being middle age has it's advantages, and it's disadvantages. Yes, I have to think about things like, bills, dentists, clothes, school, raising a child right. But I also get to have total control over my life, I get to enjoy raising my child, I get to eat what I want, go where I want, sleep when I want, play when I want. As a child I remember someone else calling all of those shots and more. I always felt out of control, I felt like nothing was in my power. I love life now.
It's so important to live everyday like it's your last, not just because you might not get a tomorrow, but because time goes so fast. Tomorrow never comes, yesterday is just a memory, today is where it's at. Don't sweat the small things, and live for today!
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