Fall

Fall is the most beautiful season, at least I think so. I love it when the morning are crisp and cool, and the sun shines down on the gradually changing leaves. It makes me feel warm, and like I'm home.

When I lived in Houston Texas there were no really distinct colour changes or marks of season's changing. The temperature began to lower as the we went from October to November to December, but sometimes that wasn't even much of a change. I missed the leaves, and the snow. I missed having that romantic feeling when Halloween came around, of hearing the leaves blowing in the wind as you walked down the dark streets. I missed the smell of burning leaves on lazy Saturday afternoons, and I missed the gradual change into winter.

Fall brings about a feeling a melancholy to me as well, I don't know why. Maybe it's the end of summer, maybe its that you see so much fading away, maybe it just me. Whatever the cause it comes every year like an old friend. I have learned to embrace it, and let it lead me.

This year I am thinking a great deal about the people in my life that I have lost. Some by death, others by situations or moves, or just plan moving apart. I wonder sometimes did I touch these people as much as they touched me? Do they think of me with fondness, as I do them, or am I just a faded memory somewhere in the recess of their minds. All the people who have come into my life have come for a reason, I know that. I have changed with every one, and learned from each. They all make up who I am today, and what I have become. I am grateful for every one of them, and I hope their names stay on my lips for the rest of my life.

A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to make a friend with someone who became one of those special friends. You know the ones where when you get to know each other it's like you already know them, like you've met before. This friend was one of those. She was one of my son's pre-school teachers.

I was nervous about putting Zeb in pre-school, but I knew it was the right thing for him. He needed socialization, and structure and was not getting either at home. I fought it all along the way, but I followed my head instead of my heart. Damie and I toured the facility several weeks before finally putting Zeb in. While we were on the tour we met a woman who was one of the teachers there. She was sitting on the floor holding a child when we walked in, and there she stayed. The director explained that this room would be one of the two possible rooms that Zeb would be enrolled into, and showed us around. It was nice in the classroom, the children seemed entertained, and the staff seemed attentive. While we were standing there the teacher on the floor said, I want him in my room. I guess she liked what she saw in Zeb...and I felt like this was the place instantly. A few weeks later he started. As the weeks went on I felt more and more comfortable with him there, and with the staff. Everyday when we went to pick him up we would have a little conversation with his teacher, and see how his day went. Soon the conversation moved to more personal things, and less about the day. After a couple of months we were not only talking each day at the school, but emailing regularly. We always seemed to have things to talk about, and it was so interesting getting to know her. I feel like we had known each other for years, and that we were kindred spirits as Anne would say, from Anne Of Green Gables.

I hadn't had any close friends for years. There were lots of reasons for that, mostly because I moved to a country where I was not a citizen of, and also I had been wrapped up in the new relationship I was in. I had some friends that had followed with me over the years, but they had grown apart as some due to life changes. This new friendship was very exciting for me. I felt like I finally belonged. When I came out of the closet I lost friends, and thought I had to give up on having regular friendships. I thought my life would revolve around the gay world and only the gay world. While living in Houston I did live completely in the gay world, and I didn't like it much. The lifestyles were not like mine, and finding people like me was impossible. Then when we had Zeb, I thought how do I create a life for him without living completely in the gay world. I didn't think it was going to be possible. And than this friendship started and I felt that we could provide a world for Zeb where he could have the best of both worlds.

Not only was this friendship important to me, but my whole family. Zeb had formed this amazing bond with her, one that surprised me in some ways. Zeb always had a way of drawing people in, but the two of them interacted in a way that I just had never witnessed before. This also made being friends with her just that much more important to me. I wanted him to have her in his life forever. Damie liked her a great deal too, and enjoyed including her in our lives. We got to know her family, and grew close to her daughter, who would become our babysitter. I was so happy with how it all was working out. We were so thrilled with this new friendship we asked if we could take them to New York with us for 4 days, as we were going to spend a few days there before heading out on a cruise. They accepted and we were so happy. The trip to New York was wonderful, we all had such a great time. Those 4 days really pulled us all together, and they seemed more like family to us than just friends. I will never forget those days. As the months went on our friendship grew closer, and more comfortable and then it started to cause problems for her at home. We had gotten too close, taken up too much of her time and it was causing a strain. I didn't see the damage it was creating, I just was in my happy world at the time. Then there came a day when it all came crashing down. To this day I have no idea really what happened, but I do know it hurt me very deeply. If felt like I had lost a sister, and Zeb lost his third mom.

A couple of years have gone by now. We don't really talk or anything anymore. She seems to need me to stay away, and I don't want to be somewhere where I will cause her trouble. I miss her terribly, and think of her all the time.

This time of year is hard, as it reminds me of her. I hope someday I will make a friend like that again. I wonder if she thinks of me with fondness, or if I am just a reminder of a friendship gone bad? I hope that when she thinks of me she smiles, as that's what happens to me when I think of her.