When Damie and I first moved to Canada we lived to a small town on the boarder of Ontario and New York. It was a nice place to live, and Damie worked in Buffalo....she shuffled down daily....well really she drove across the bridge but still shuffled down sounds like more fun doesn't it.
We spent 8 months there. Zeb was just a baby, and although we didn't do much we really loved our time there and have often thought we would love to move back to that area one day. This past week we made a trip back there, and it was loads of fun reliving our lives during those months. So much of it looked the same, yet different in some way. The feeling I had then came flooding back like I was right back there, it was a magical time for us. We were as poor as church mice but Zeb was learning to crawl, and then to walk three weeks later and those are the things we remember.
We made the move to Windsor, well actually LaSalle ON, to be closer to people we knew and be on the boarder so Damie could work. We missed having friends, and my best high school friend and her family lived here so we thought why not be closer to someone we know. We also felt that the opportunities for Damie to find a good job would be better in the greater Detroit area, than it was in the greater Buffalo area, and at first it was, until the economy took a giant nose dive (thanks President Bush, as it was 2007/8 when Damie lost her job and we sunk into the biggest whole you could imagine, Obama hadn't yet been elected. Not to get political, but people forget that fact for some reason). I regress, sorry.
Our lives, for the most part, were better than not in LaSalle. We started developing our lives, making traditions, becoming a stronger and stronger bonded family there. I have truly loved how we have grown together.
One of our traditions started 5 or 6 years ago. I was reading the local paper one day and I read a story about a man in LaSalle that had decided to do a Halloween light show to music at his house. The story told how he got the idea one day, researched the whole thing and had decided to give it a try. He was going to put off the show nightly, on the hour every night until Halloween. Well I decided to go, and take the family too.
We went on a Friday night, around 7:00. It was dark, but not too late for Zeb. We arrived to the house and found a sign outside telling us what FM station to tune our radio to, so we did. On the radio was a nice friendly voice welcoming us to the show and then telling us that it would start in a moment. It did start shortly after we arrived, and was Zeb hooked. I don't think he moved the whole 20 minutes the show went on. Damie and I were thrilled, it was fun and exciting and we all had such a wonderful time.
We went back a month or so later to see his Christmas show.
We have been every year since, for both the Halloween and Christmas shows, sometimes there has been rain, sometimes there has been snow on the ground, sometimes we can see well, sometimes we can't, but every single time we have all felt that it was the tradition that we enjoyed the most.
A couple of weeks ago we went by his house to watch the Halloween show. When we arrived there was no sign on the front lawn, no lights on the house or the trees, nothing!! Damie and I first thought maybe he had moved and we don't know where he went. I thought maybe he wasn't doing it anymore, which made us both sad....but then we decided that maybe he just wasn't doing it for the whole month of Oct, and that we should come back later in the month and look again. That's what we did.
This past Saturday we drove by the house on our way to picking up some pumpkins. It was during the day, but we thought we would drive by the house to see if the lights were up and the sign was on the front lawn. When we arrived there were lights, but Christmas ones, and no sign, however he was working outside so we parked the car and Damie went to talk to him.
We, of course, had never met the man who had built our family tradition, we certainly appreciated him from afar, but never actually laid eyes on the man. A couple of time we saw family members coming home from this or that while we were parked outside their house enjoying the show, but we never actually spoke to any of them. This was the very first time.
Damie came back to the car after a few minutes to tell me that he is not doing the Halloween show, and wasn't going to do the Christmas one but has just recently decided to do it. It seems that he lost his wife to pancreatic cancer in Feb and was not going to do the shows anymore.
Of course this broke my heart. I couldn't believe what Damie was telling me. I hurt for him, for his young children whom we have seen come home with great big hockey bags over their backs from time to time. How sad that has to be for all of them, and no, I don't think I could bring myself to go on with such a joyous Holiday offering. But he was going to do it.
Damie expressed her sympathy to him, told him how sad she was, and also how much these shows had meant to our family. She told him how much joy he has brought to us all of these years, and how much we look forward to his offerings every season. She suggested an offering cup, can or box to help with whatever cancer organization he preferred, but he didn't want to deal with money. He did ask that if we felt the need that donating to the hospital would make him happy, so there you have it. We can finally give back for all the years of being entertained, in his memory.
This is heartbreaking, why do such bad things happen to such good people. I know, we don't ask why good things happen, so we should not ask why bad does. I would ask that in his wife's memory that all who read this give of themselves, either with thought, work, or fortune. No matter what good is happening around us, there is always someone going through the worst life has to offer, and in small ways we can help, sometimes just with our thoughts.
Thank you light man for finding the strength to keep the tradition alive, even when you just didn't feel it. I hope by doing it, you start to mend.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
New York state of mind!!
When Zeb was three Damie and I made our very first trip together to New York City. Damie had been before, actually she lived there for a short time, but it was my first ever trip. We were going for 3 days and I was over the moon about it. New York was one of my many dream cities to visit, and it was finally happening.
Those three days were blissful, to say the least. It rained one whole day but it didn't put a damper on my spirits, we had a great time despite the rain. We stayed at the Westin Hotel, right in the middle of time square, and on that rainy day they gave us free umbrella's. Cool right!!
It was an amazing trip, but there is one thing I remember well and that was a pair of shorts I had bought for the trip. They were very nice, but when I arrived in New York I discovered that they were a bit snugger than I had remembered when I tried them on a few weeks before. How could this be, well easy, I had gained weight once again and then had to endure two days in them, even if they were tight and uncomfortable. I did it, and after returning home the shorts went into the "too tight" tote and there they lived until two days ago.
I pulled out those "too tight' shorts a couple of days ago, and they were big. They have a two places on the waist that tighten and even with both tightened as far as they go I still have room. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.
Weight loss is a strange and wonderful thing. I try not to look at the scale, at least I don't look at it more than once a week, but it is much more powerful to discover something that never quite fit, fits so well it's like it was custom made for you. This has such a wonderful effect on the image you have of yourself. It just makes waking up so much more worth it.
For more years than not I have either gone to sleep or woke up or both with the same thoughts. How am I going to lose weight. This was something that took a hold of me and never let me go, until now. I can't tell you how many night, especially Sunday nights, falling asleep thinking about the new start that I was planning for the next day. I would tell myself, "tomorrow I am going to stick to these many calories, and this time I am going to do it until I have lost all the weight". This Sunday thinking has happened for most of my life, and even more so since Zeb was born.
Along with the nighttime thoughts come the morning thoughts. No matter how amazing your dream was the night before, there is this sinking feeling that takes over your mind moments after opening your eyes, when you remember you are fat and you still have not done anything about it. It grabs you like a bad case of food poising....not letting you go until it's had it's way with you. That dreadful feeling, in most cases filled my morning, and lots of times afternoons, until it was all I thought about. I couldn't rid myself of it, until now.
Now I don't think much about weight loss, it's happening. All I have to do now is stick to what they say, eat what I am supposed to eat and the rest will take care of itself. It is such a freeing feeling, it's a miracle.
Anyone who doesn't think losing weight via weight loss surgery is hard, well you should come live with me for a few days and just see how hard it is. It is no easy way out I can tell you that, I would have much rather done this without surgery, but that was just not possible for me, so there you have it. I have this miracle tool now that allows me to make the right choices and see the results quickly....which leads to doing the right thing over and over.....because you like how it all feels and how well you are doing.
I am so glad my New York shorts fit for now, and look forward to the day when I pass them on to someone else who needs them. It makes it all worth while.
Those three days were blissful, to say the least. It rained one whole day but it didn't put a damper on my spirits, we had a great time despite the rain. We stayed at the Westin Hotel, right in the middle of time square, and on that rainy day they gave us free umbrella's. Cool right!!
It was an amazing trip, but there is one thing I remember well and that was a pair of shorts I had bought for the trip. They were very nice, but when I arrived in New York I discovered that they were a bit snugger than I had remembered when I tried them on a few weeks before. How could this be, well easy, I had gained weight once again and then had to endure two days in them, even if they were tight and uncomfortable. I did it, and after returning home the shorts went into the "too tight" tote and there they lived until two days ago.
I pulled out those "too tight' shorts a couple of days ago, and they were big. They have a two places on the waist that tighten and even with both tightened as far as they go I still have room. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel.
Weight loss is a strange and wonderful thing. I try not to look at the scale, at least I don't look at it more than once a week, but it is much more powerful to discover something that never quite fit, fits so well it's like it was custom made for you. This has such a wonderful effect on the image you have of yourself. It just makes waking up so much more worth it.
For more years than not I have either gone to sleep or woke up or both with the same thoughts. How am I going to lose weight. This was something that took a hold of me and never let me go, until now. I can't tell you how many night, especially Sunday nights, falling asleep thinking about the new start that I was planning for the next day. I would tell myself, "tomorrow I am going to stick to these many calories, and this time I am going to do it until I have lost all the weight". This Sunday thinking has happened for most of my life, and even more so since Zeb was born.
Along with the nighttime thoughts come the morning thoughts. No matter how amazing your dream was the night before, there is this sinking feeling that takes over your mind moments after opening your eyes, when you remember you are fat and you still have not done anything about it. It grabs you like a bad case of food poising....not letting you go until it's had it's way with you. That dreadful feeling, in most cases filled my morning, and lots of times afternoons, until it was all I thought about. I couldn't rid myself of it, until now.
Now I don't think much about weight loss, it's happening. All I have to do now is stick to what they say, eat what I am supposed to eat and the rest will take care of itself. It is such a freeing feeling, it's a miracle.
Anyone who doesn't think losing weight via weight loss surgery is hard, well you should come live with me for a few days and just see how hard it is. It is no easy way out I can tell you that, I would have much rather done this without surgery, but that was just not possible for me, so there you have it. I have this miracle tool now that allows me to make the right choices and see the results quickly....which leads to doing the right thing over and over.....because you like how it all feels and how well you are doing.
I am so glad my New York shorts fit for now, and look forward to the day when I pass them on to someone else who needs them. It makes it all worth while.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Respect your elders!
Some would look at me as their elder, my son, my son's friends, my cousins children, some neighbourhood kids, the kids at my son's school, and maybe even some grown people with children of their own. I am 45, middle aged for sure, and in a really real way and elder. Do I feel like an elder, NO! I feel like I am still in my 20's and just have this 7 yr old living in my house. I still have fun, I don't take too many things too seriously, and I don't think I am overly boring, but that I am sure would be up for debate in some circles. The fact remains, one must respect their elders, right?? This is something I heard all the time growing up, does anyone use that phrase today? Not to sure but the sentiment should still be in practice don't you think?
I don't use that with Zeb, I know I probably should but I mostly talk to him about showing respect to all people regardless of the age. I don't know, maybe elders should be on a higher plain or something, but I just feel we all are due respect as long as we have not done something to not be shown respect, but even then we treat people as we would like to be treated. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
These words echo in my head from time to time when I am thinking or dealing with some very difficult people in my life....and it's no surprise that most of the very difficult people are related to me. I try very hard to think about the fact that I need to respect my elders, but the fact is I just find it incredibly hard when they show me no respect in return, in fact they respect me so little that they feel it is okay to hurt me over and over with no apology.
Last night I received a call from someone who would fall in that respect my elders category. I did respect her, by hearing what she had to say, accepting her apology (which I only go because I stopped contact with her in Aug.) and asking that changes happen so as to fix the problem instead of just walking over the problem and walking down the same road until it happens again. I am tired of doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am tired.
She spent a whole 1.5 minutes asking about me, pretending to care, and then the next 20 on herself. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does matter. I respect her situation in life, and try to think of solutions to her problems, but it would be nice just once in a while to have some thought put into me, some real concern, but that is asking way to much from this narcissistic person. Their minds are on themselves and how they want things to be, and that's it. I have to accept it, but that is very difficult for me as I am the polar opposite from that. I want to hear about other's, I want to help where I can, I want to listen and be a support, not a drag on other's. It is hard for me to accept someone who has no idea how to really care, to really listen, to really support. To her support mean money, and that's it. It's very sad.
She wants me in her life, yet when I am there I am abused by her, and by those around her who feel like they can because she gives them permission. I want to respect her position in my life, and do what so many have said and that is "to respect my elders", but it's so hard when it comes at such a high cost to me. I am tired of being the scapegoat, I am tired of being accused of being the problem, I am tired of being thrown into the lions den every single chance she gets.
I am at a loss. I know that I should be there for her, I should be helping her, but I am afraid to do it. I have been pulled in so many times, just to be punched literally and figuratively over and over. I am at a total loss. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes knowing what the right thing is is very difficult!!
I don't use that with Zeb, I know I probably should but I mostly talk to him about showing respect to all people regardless of the age. I don't know, maybe elders should be on a higher plain or something, but I just feel we all are due respect as long as we have not done something to not be shown respect, but even then we treat people as we would like to be treated. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
These words echo in my head from time to time when I am thinking or dealing with some very difficult people in my life....and it's no surprise that most of the very difficult people are related to me. I try very hard to think about the fact that I need to respect my elders, but the fact is I just find it incredibly hard when they show me no respect in return, in fact they respect me so little that they feel it is okay to hurt me over and over with no apology.
Last night I received a call from someone who would fall in that respect my elders category. I did respect her, by hearing what she had to say, accepting her apology (which I only go because I stopped contact with her in Aug.) and asking that changes happen so as to fix the problem instead of just walking over the problem and walking down the same road until it happens again. I am tired of doing the same thing and expecting different results. I am tired.
She spent a whole 1.5 minutes asking about me, pretending to care, and then the next 20 on herself. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does matter. I respect her situation in life, and try to think of solutions to her problems, but it would be nice just once in a while to have some thought put into me, some real concern, but that is asking way to much from this narcissistic person. Their minds are on themselves and how they want things to be, and that's it. I have to accept it, but that is very difficult for me as I am the polar opposite from that. I want to hear about other's, I want to help where I can, I want to listen and be a support, not a drag on other's. It is hard for me to accept someone who has no idea how to really care, to really listen, to really support. To her support mean money, and that's it. It's very sad.
She wants me in her life, yet when I am there I am abused by her, and by those around her who feel like they can because she gives them permission. I want to respect her position in my life, and do what so many have said and that is "to respect my elders", but it's so hard when it comes at such a high cost to me. I am tired of being the scapegoat, I am tired of being accused of being the problem, I am tired of being thrown into the lions den every single chance she gets.
I am at a loss. I know that I should be there for her, I should be helping her, but I am afraid to do it. I have been pulled in so many times, just to be punched literally and figuratively over and over. I am at a total loss. I want to do the right thing, but sometimes knowing what the right thing is is very difficult!!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Day 21
Today is day 21 since my surgery. It's a beautiful Holiday Monday here, as it's Thanksgiving here in Canada. Today reminds me of the morning I had surgery, with the sun rising into a beautiful day!
Things have changed since surgery, things I am surprised about and things I am not surprised about.
The scale hasn't moved much since surgery, which surprises me. I am eating between 400 and 550 calories a day, and that is about it. I drink water, tea, a little juice, but I am not getting enough water in daily, but my energy levels are high and I am feeling really good.
I got it into my mind this week to ride my bike to my therapist appointment so I had to make the trip twice. The first time to see if I would have time to drop the kid off at school and then make the ride to the office, the second time to actually go to the appointment. It felt great to make the almost 12 km round trip. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't even out of surgery 3 weeks and doing so well.
It's a funny thing. For the past two years or so I couldn't do much. I could ride my bike, but it was hard. I couldn't go very far or very fast, and I was always out of breath. Now I can go almost 12 km and have more than enough energy to walk another 5 km that day....outstanding!!
I love walking, I have always done it. Years ago I used to walk with a group of wonderfully interesting women every morning. We talked about current events in both the world and our lives, sometimes we would laugh, sometimes we would cry, but it was always an hour of my life that I looked forward to. Most of those women are gone now, either by death or by moving far away, but I think about those years with great happiness. I continued to walk, but mostly at night after that. I missed not being able to walk these last few years, so now that I can do it again I just don't want to stop. I now know what a caged animal feels like. After being caged in my body that wouldn't function right for a few years, it is such a great escape to have my freedom back. I feel so good.
The scale may not have moved much as of yet, but I have lost 10.5 inches, and that is amazing to me. It feels good to be able to move easier. You can't know how amazing it feels to be able to wash yourself in the shower in a much easier way than you used to be able to do it, or the fact that I can get my arms behind my back to undo my bra without having to twist the bra around to undo it. The little things makes this all worth while.
The scale moved this morning, so I am hopeful that I will again start to lose the weight, but all I am going to do from here on is just pay close mindful attention to what I can do now, as compared to what I couldn't do before and rejoice in it.
When I was pregnant with Zeb for the 9 months my life was beyond happy. Nothing brought me down, nothing seemed to faze me one bit. I don't remember ever disagreeing with Damie once, or having a hard time with anything really. It was 9 of the most happiest months I have ever had. It feels just like that now. Nothing is negative, nothing makes me upset. I am loving every single minute of it, I just can't imagine being happier. Life really is good, and I am going to make sure I enjoy every single minute. No more wasting it!! Having this surgery was the best decision I ever made, for me it was a total life changer!!
Things have changed since surgery, things I am surprised about and things I am not surprised about.
The scale hasn't moved much since surgery, which surprises me. I am eating between 400 and 550 calories a day, and that is about it. I drink water, tea, a little juice, but I am not getting enough water in daily, but my energy levels are high and I am feeling really good.
I got it into my mind this week to ride my bike to my therapist appointment so I had to make the trip twice. The first time to see if I would have time to drop the kid off at school and then make the ride to the office, the second time to actually go to the appointment. It felt great to make the almost 12 km round trip. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't even out of surgery 3 weeks and doing so well.
It's a funny thing. For the past two years or so I couldn't do much. I could ride my bike, but it was hard. I couldn't go very far or very fast, and I was always out of breath. Now I can go almost 12 km and have more than enough energy to walk another 5 km that day....outstanding!!
I love walking, I have always done it. Years ago I used to walk with a group of wonderfully interesting women every morning. We talked about current events in both the world and our lives, sometimes we would laugh, sometimes we would cry, but it was always an hour of my life that I looked forward to. Most of those women are gone now, either by death or by moving far away, but I think about those years with great happiness. I continued to walk, but mostly at night after that. I missed not being able to walk these last few years, so now that I can do it again I just don't want to stop. I now know what a caged animal feels like. After being caged in my body that wouldn't function right for a few years, it is such a great escape to have my freedom back. I feel so good.
The scale may not have moved much as of yet, but I have lost 10.5 inches, and that is amazing to me. It feels good to be able to move easier. You can't know how amazing it feels to be able to wash yourself in the shower in a much easier way than you used to be able to do it, or the fact that I can get my arms behind my back to undo my bra without having to twist the bra around to undo it. The little things makes this all worth while.
The scale moved this morning, so I am hopeful that I will again start to lose the weight, but all I am going to do from here on is just pay close mindful attention to what I can do now, as compared to what I couldn't do before and rejoice in it.
When I was pregnant with Zeb for the 9 months my life was beyond happy. Nothing brought me down, nothing seemed to faze me one bit. I don't remember ever disagreeing with Damie once, or having a hard time with anything really. It was 9 of the most happiest months I have ever had. It feels just like that now. Nothing is negative, nothing makes me upset. I am loving every single minute of it, I just can't imagine being happier. Life really is good, and I am going to make sure I enjoy every single minute. No more wasting it!! Having this surgery was the best decision I ever made, for me it was a total life changer!!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sept. 17th
I'm back.
Okay, so I have been away from the blog for a while, but I promise that I had a pretty good reason.
This past Monday, like as in Sept. 17th I had gastric bypass surgery done. Yes, I know I didn't mention that I was having it, I sort of didn't really want to think about it. I had a really hard time with the whole concept of "I could do this to improve my health and outlook on life, but I could also die on the table". So, because of those thoughts and because it was summer and I didn't want to waste it worrying about surgery I sort of just put the whole thing out of my mind and rarely spoke of it to anyone, well except my therapist and Damie. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong, but it worked for me and for the most part I think it helped with prolonging the fear.
Two weeks before surgery you have to start what is called the optifast stage. This is a protein drink, that is used to shrink the liver. The liver, in laparoscopy surgery, is in between the view and the stomach for the surgeon so it is important to shrink it so it can easily be moved out of the way. The shakes are in two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I love chocolate, always have so I really thought that would be my favorite but it wasn't. I enjoyed the vanilla mainly because I could add so many different flavors to it daily it never got boring. You had to have 4 shakes a day, and the colder the better, otherwise they tasted disgusting. I would use an entire tray of ice cubes in the blender with each shake, so it really was like a thick shake you get from McDonald's. By the end of the two weeks I had had enough of them and was eager to get onto surgery so that I could at least have jello after it.
I had my surgery in Guelph Ontario. It's about 3.5 hrs away from here. My surgery was at 8 A.M Monday morning, which meant that we had to be at the hospital at 6:15 A.M, so we decided to go up the day before, enjoy the hotel pool, and then be at the hospital on time in the morning.
I was fine on the way up, not really nervous, I would describe it more like being a bit on edge. I was happy for the most part, but I would catch myself being a little short, especially when it came to Damie's driving, but hey I am always a little short with that.
When we arrived we settled into the hotel, got on our bathing suits and went to the pool. It was a salt water pool and hot tub, which was nice. All three of us enjoyed it, even though by the time we arrived at Guelph Zeb was feeling under the weather.
We noticed on the way there that he was running a bit of a fever. This scared me a little, as I didn't want to be in contact with some virus or something right before going under the knife. The poor little guys nose just kept running, and you could tell by the colour of his cheeks that he was not well. This kid, I might add, doesn't ever really let anything get him down, he wanted to go swimming and had a great time down at the pool.
When we were done swimming we all had showers and then Damie went to go get dinner. I was on shakes so that was going to be my dinner, but I was going to treat myself to a bit of chicken broth from Timmie's too. She came back with food for them, and my broth and we all settled down for dinner.
The clock was ticking, soon it was going to be bedtime and then I was going to be at the hospital. I was starting to get nervous. It's really a scary prospect having surgery, I don't care what kind you have, it's a bit nerve wracking.
I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and a calm came over me. I could feel it fill every fiber of by being. It was both a wonderful, and interesting feeling. One I have never had before. I fell back to sleep easily and didn't wake until two minutes before the alarm was to go off.
We arrived on time, all of us a bit tired but the adrenaline was keeping our eyes wide open. They had me go into a small curtained off area and undress, then Damie and Zeb joined me. The nurse came and took my vitals, talked to Damie about being in the waiting room and how they would contact her after the surgery was over, and then she gave me this shot in my arm. She told us they were running a bit late, so they weren't quite ready for me, so we all sat and waited.
It was my turn to go. Someone came down to wheel me to the OR. I said goodbye to Damie and Zeb and off I went. The woman who was pushing me had a mask over her face, but I could see a pair of very kind eyes paring out at me. She maneuvered that gurney like a pro, to which I said, "I think you have done this before". She laughed and responded with "I have done it for more than 20 years, I retired 6 years ago, but they can't seem to be able to live without me". I laughed and so did she, and by that time I was in the hall they wanted me in and she left me pushed against a large window.
A few people walked up and down the hall as I laid there watching the sun come up, but to tell you the truth I didn't notice much. I felt calm, happy and the sunrise was pretty amazing. There was warmth surrounding me, and it was then that I knew there were people there keeping me safe. I may have not been able to see them, but I sure could feel them. My surgeon finally came by, picked up my file, looked it over, and then said "you have the exact same birthday as I do, even the year! I have never operated on someone with the exact birthday as me before". We both found that interesting and then he walked away saying he would be ready for me in a few minutes.
You know another very strange thing happened regarding birthdays and my surgery date. When I called his office to book my surgery date, his secretary told me that the day I was having surgery was her daughters birthday, so she felt it would be a very good day. Isn't that amazing!!
Finally a nurse came to wheel me down to the OR but couldn't figure out how to move the gurney so she asked me if I would mind walking. I didn't, so off we went. When I entered the room there were two or three nurses milling about, and my anaesthesiologist was also there. He was busy when I entered, but soon after I layed down on the board he said hello and came over to me. He then explained what he was going to do, and asked if I had any questions, then they asked me to say my full name and then say what I was here to have done. He then froze my hand to insert my IV and that's all I remember until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was to be 3 hours, but they had told Damie that they are usually more like 2 so that was when she planned on coming back to the hospital. When her and Zeb got there I was not out of surgery yet so they just warmed a sit. An hour went by and Damie expected the surgeon to come by at any moment, but no, he didn't. Another half hour went by and Damie started to worry. Finally he came out and told her that it was more difficult that they had expected. Apparently I have a larger liver than most so because of that it limited his field of view, which meant that it took him longer. She was grateful it was over and then took Zeb back to the hotel until I came out of recovery.
She was in my room within minutes of be arriving. I was still a bit sleepy, but loved the idea of seeing them so I fought the sleep. Finally they entered and we greeted each other with big smiles, and hello's. I looked at Zeb and realized that he was scared (I had a nasal cannula like my dad did when he was in hospital this past Feb. and I could tell by the look on Zeb's face that he was thinking I was going to be just like my dad). I quickly said, "hey buddy, I'm just fine" and with that he settled down.
I don't remember much, mostly a nurse doing this and that, me in and out of sleep. Zeb and Damie had gone back to the hotel to let me rest. The only thing that I do remember is my mouth was so dry, and I couldn't have anything for 5 hours, and that my back killed. After about 3 hours I said to the nurses, "when can I get out of this thing" and she replied with "right now if that's what you want"!! I got up out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went for a walk down the hall. FREEDOM!!!
From that moment on I was pretty much on my own. I walked all the time, I waited until 5 hours was up so I could get a very small liquid med cup full of ice, which I was going to be allowed to have one an hour every hour until morning, when I would be given my first meal.
The first meal was this; 1/2 sugar free jello, 3/4 cup tea, 1/2 cup apple juice which I had to dilute with the same amount of water. It took me almost 1.5 hours but I ate it all. I drank water all the time, and I walked. I wasn't going to get a blood clot if my life depended on it.
By day two they had decided I was ready to go home, but I needed to wait until after dinner to do so. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock came. I wanted out of there. And just like clock work the meal came and so did the nurse to release me. FREEDOM!!
Since coming home I have felt great. I am hungry, which everyone told me I wouldn't be, but I am. I eat the same at home as I did in the hospital, and I drink water all day. I have been on clear fluids since coming home, and will be until next Monday when I get to move to full fluids. YEAH!!
I am realizing what hunger feels like, I haven't felt hungry for years now so this is interesting. I also feel full which is another great sensation. All the wonderful things I will learn now. I have 5 new scares on my stomach, where the laparoscopic tools went in, and my stomach is the size of an egg. Life sure can change in a week.
I have stuck to the walking, I have walked almost 5 km since coming home daily, except today because I had a lot of running around to do and I had to catch up on the ironing. But tomorrow for sure. Things are going great. I can already see a difference when I look in the mirror, and that makes it all the better. I tell you the very best thing about all of this is I haven't had to take any medication form diabetes since I started optifast....amazing!! That is really what all this is about for me, I don't care if I get skinny (but believe me that is a bonus for sure) what I care about is being healthy enough to see my son grow up graduate from University, get married and have my grandchildren....that's why I did this.
Okay, so I have been away from the blog for a while, but I promise that I had a pretty good reason.
This past Monday, like as in Sept. 17th I had gastric bypass surgery done. Yes, I know I didn't mention that I was having it, I sort of didn't really want to think about it. I had a really hard time with the whole concept of "I could do this to improve my health and outlook on life, but I could also die on the table". So, because of those thoughts and because it was summer and I didn't want to waste it worrying about surgery I sort of just put the whole thing out of my mind and rarely spoke of it to anyone, well except my therapist and Damie. I don't know if what I did was right or wrong, but it worked for me and for the most part I think it helped with prolonging the fear.
Two weeks before surgery you have to start what is called the optifast stage. This is a protein drink, that is used to shrink the liver. The liver, in laparoscopy surgery, is in between the view and the stomach for the surgeon so it is important to shrink it so it can easily be moved out of the way. The shakes are in two flavors, vanilla and chocolate. I love chocolate, always have so I really thought that would be my favorite but it wasn't. I enjoyed the vanilla mainly because I could add so many different flavors to it daily it never got boring. You had to have 4 shakes a day, and the colder the better, otherwise they tasted disgusting. I would use an entire tray of ice cubes in the blender with each shake, so it really was like a thick shake you get from McDonald's. By the end of the two weeks I had had enough of them and was eager to get onto surgery so that I could at least have jello after it.
I had my surgery in Guelph Ontario. It's about 3.5 hrs away from here. My surgery was at 8 A.M Monday morning, which meant that we had to be at the hospital at 6:15 A.M, so we decided to go up the day before, enjoy the hotel pool, and then be at the hospital on time in the morning.
I was fine on the way up, not really nervous, I would describe it more like being a bit on edge. I was happy for the most part, but I would catch myself being a little short, especially when it came to Damie's driving, but hey I am always a little short with that.
When we arrived we settled into the hotel, got on our bathing suits and went to the pool. It was a salt water pool and hot tub, which was nice. All three of us enjoyed it, even though by the time we arrived at Guelph Zeb was feeling under the weather.
We noticed on the way there that he was running a bit of a fever. This scared me a little, as I didn't want to be in contact with some virus or something right before going under the knife. The poor little guys nose just kept running, and you could tell by the colour of his cheeks that he was not well. This kid, I might add, doesn't ever really let anything get him down, he wanted to go swimming and had a great time down at the pool.
When we were done swimming we all had showers and then Damie went to go get dinner. I was on shakes so that was going to be my dinner, but I was going to treat myself to a bit of chicken broth from Timmie's too. She came back with food for them, and my broth and we all settled down for dinner.
The clock was ticking, soon it was going to be bedtime and then I was going to be at the hospital. I was starting to get nervous. It's really a scary prospect having surgery, I don't care what kind you have, it's a bit nerve wracking.
I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and a calm came over me. I could feel it fill every fiber of by being. It was both a wonderful, and interesting feeling. One I have never had before. I fell back to sleep easily and didn't wake until two minutes before the alarm was to go off.
We arrived on time, all of us a bit tired but the adrenaline was keeping our eyes wide open. They had me go into a small curtained off area and undress, then Damie and Zeb joined me. The nurse came and took my vitals, talked to Damie about being in the waiting room and how they would contact her after the surgery was over, and then she gave me this shot in my arm. She told us they were running a bit late, so they weren't quite ready for me, so we all sat and waited.
It was my turn to go. Someone came down to wheel me to the OR. I said goodbye to Damie and Zeb and off I went. The woman who was pushing me had a mask over her face, but I could see a pair of very kind eyes paring out at me. She maneuvered that gurney like a pro, to which I said, "I think you have done this before". She laughed and responded with "I have done it for more than 20 years, I retired 6 years ago, but they can't seem to be able to live without me". I laughed and so did she, and by that time I was in the hall they wanted me in and she left me pushed against a large window.
A few people walked up and down the hall as I laid there watching the sun come up, but to tell you the truth I didn't notice much. I felt calm, happy and the sunrise was pretty amazing. There was warmth surrounding me, and it was then that I knew there were people there keeping me safe. I may have not been able to see them, but I sure could feel them. My surgeon finally came by, picked up my file, looked it over, and then said "you have the exact same birthday as I do, even the year! I have never operated on someone with the exact birthday as me before". We both found that interesting and then he walked away saying he would be ready for me in a few minutes.
You know another very strange thing happened regarding birthdays and my surgery date. When I called his office to book my surgery date, his secretary told me that the day I was having surgery was her daughters birthday, so she felt it would be a very good day. Isn't that amazing!!
Finally a nurse came to wheel me down to the OR but couldn't figure out how to move the gurney so she asked me if I would mind walking. I didn't, so off we went. When I entered the room there were two or three nurses milling about, and my anaesthesiologist was also there. He was busy when I entered, but soon after I layed down on the board he said hello and came over to me. He then explained what he was going to do, and asked if I had any questions, then they asked me to say my full name and then say what I was here to have done. He then froze my hand to insert my IV and that's all I remember until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was to be 3 hours, but they had told Damie that they are usually more like 2 so that was when she planned on coming back to the hospital. When her and Zeb got there I was not out of surgery yet so they just warmed a sit. An hour went by and Damie expected the surgeon to come by at any moment, but no, he didn't. Another half hour went by and Damie started to worry. Finally he came out and told her that it was more difficult that they had expected. Apparently I have a larger liver than most so because of that it limited his field of view, which meant that it took him longer. She was grateful it was over and then took Zeb back to the hotel until I came out of recovery.
She was in my room within minutes of be arriving. I was still a bit sleepy, but loved the idea of seeing them so I fought the sleep. Finally they entered and we greeted each other with big smiles, and hello's. I looked at Zeb and realized that he was scared (I had a nasal cannula like my dad did when he was in hospital this past Feb. and I could tell by the look on Zeb's face that he was thinking I was going to be just like my dad). I quickly said, "hey buddy, I'm just fine" and with that he settled down.
I don't remember much, mostly a nurse doing this and that, me in and out of sleep. Zeb and Damie had gone back to the hotel to let me rest. The only thing that I do remember is my mouth was so dry, and I couldn't have anything for 5 hours, and that my back killed. After about 3 hours I said to the nurses, "when can I get out of this thing" and she replied with "right now if that's what you want"!! I got up out of bed, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went for a walk down the hall. FREEDOM!!!
From that moment on I was pretty much on my own. I walked all the time, I waited until 5 hours was up so I could get a very small liquid med cup full of ice, which I was going to be allowed to have one an hour every hour until morning, when I would be given my first meal.
The first meal was this; 1/2 sugar free jello, 3/4 cup tea, 1/2 cup apple juice which I had to dilute with the same amount of water. It took me almost 1.5 hours but I ate it all. I drank water all the time, and I walked. I wasn't going to get a blood clot if my life depended on it.
By day two they had decided I was ready to go home, but I needed to wait until after dinner to do so. I couldn't wait until 5 o'clock came. I wanted out of there. And just like clock work the meal came and so did the nurse to release me. FREEDOM!!
Since coming home I have felt great. I am hungry, which everyone told me I wouldn't be, but I am. I eat the same at home as I did in the hospital, and I drink water all day. I have been on clear fluids since coming home, and will be until next Monday when I get to move to full fluids. YEAH!!
I am realizing what hunger feels like, I haven't felt hungry for years now so this is interesting. I also feel full which is another great sensation. All the wonderful things I will learn now. I have 5 new scares on my stomach, where the laparoscopic tools went in, and my stomach is the size of an egg. Life sure can change in a week.
I have stuck to the walking, I have walked almost 5 km since coming home daily, except today because I had a lot of running around to do and I had to catch up on the ironing. But tomorrow for sure. Things are going great. I can already see a difference when I look in the mirror, and that makes it all the better. I tell you the very best thing about all of this is I haven't had to take any medication form diabetes since I started optifast....amazing!! That is really what all this is about for me, I don't care if I get skinny (but believe me that is a bonus for sure) what I care about is being healthy enough to see my son grow up graduate from University, get married and have my grandchildren....that's why I did this.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
"The Man"
When I was 12 my parents took me to Toronto for a few days before going to Montreal for a week. We stayed at my cousins apartment on Youge St, and let me tell you, I was like a kid in a candy store.
I had been to Toronto many times before this particular trip, I just think being 12, and knowing what all that brings, I was beyond excited about being in the big smoke.
We went to different things, Kensington Market, St. Lawrence Market, out to dinner at a couple of cool places like the Organ Grinder. But what I wanted to do was walk down Yonge Street all by myself and go to the most exciting store ever...."Sam The Record Man".
I left my parents at my cousins place one afternoon, went down the elevator, and onto Yonge Street all by myself. Boy was that exciting!! Down the street I walked, looking at the bum's sitting on the corners with their cups collecting money, hearing the noises of the traffic, it was so very exciting.
Soon I arrived at the big record store, it's store face resembling a record turning on a turn table. This was iconic, something I had only ever seen on TV. I was a little intimidated by the mere size of the store, but soon I became very comfortable.
The rows went on forever, there was a section for every single music type and I was amazed. I was in no hurry, so I went from one section to another, looking at this and that. The choices were so vast it was hard to decide what to take home, but finally after an hour or so I had settled on the album I was taking home. Okay, so my choice was that of a 12 yr old, but that should not take away from the sophistication of this iconic store.
With my album under my arm, I went out the front door and walk up the road to my cousins place, grinning from ear to ear.
Today, kids don't get to experience that excitement, that emotional feeling of walking into the biggest record store in the country and feeling like you are part of the "it" crowd. "Sam the Record Man" was one of those stores that shouted "Toronto" to anyone and everyone. Once you've been there, you were somewhere.
Sam "the Record Man" Sniderman passed away this past weekend. He will always be remembered by my generation as the "Man" when it comes to amazing record stores. I am glad I got to experience that when I was 12, I'm glad that he had a great vision and brought that, along with so many other things to the music industry here in Canada. He was one very cool cat!! Thanks Sam, you alone made this girl popular for a couple of hours when she was 12 and I thank you for that!!
I had been to Toronto many times before this particular trip, I just think being 12, and knowing what all that brings, I was beyond excited about being in the big smoke.
We went to different things, Kensington Market, St. Lawrence Market, out to dinner at a couple of cool places like the Organ Grinder. But what I wanted to do was walk down Yonge Street all by myself and go to the most exciting store ever...."Sam The Record Man".
I left my parents at my cousins place one afternoon, went down the elevator, and onto Yonge Street all by myself. Boy was that exciting!! Down the street I walked, looking at the bum's sitting on the corners with their cups collecting money, hearing the noises of the traffic, it was so very exciting.
Soon I arrived at the big record store, it's store face resembling a record turning on a turn table. This was iconic, something I had only ever seen on TV. I was a little intimidated by the mere size of the store, but soon I became very comfortable.
The rows went on forever, there was a section for every single music type and I was amazed. I was in no hurry, so I went from one section to another, looking at this and that. The choices were so vast it was hard to decide what to take home, but finally after an hour or so I had settled on the album I was taking home. Okay, so my choice was that of a 12 yr old, but that should not take away from the sophistication of this iconic store.
With my album under my arm, I went out the front door and walk up the road to my cousins place, grinning from ear to ear.
Today, kids don't get to experience that excitement, that emotional feeling of walking into the biggest record store in the country and feeling like you are part of the "it" crowd. "Sam the Record Man" was one of those stores that shouted "Toronto" to anyone and everyone. Once you've been there, you were somewhere.
Sam "the Record Man" Sniderman passed away this past weekend. He will always be remembered by my generation as the "Man" when it comes to amazing record stores. I am glad I got to experience that when I was 12, I'm glad that he had a great vision and brought that, along with so many other things to the music industry here in Canada. He was one very cool cat!! Thanks Sam, you alone made this girl popular for a couple of hours when she was 12 and I thank you for that!!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sunday!
There was a time in my life when all I saw was black, there was nothing that I felt was worth living for. To be in that kind of hole is very difficult to describe to one who has never been there. Some say feeling that way is selfish, that you should think of other's and how they would feel if you should end your life. Some think you should just be able to pick yourself up and move forward. And still some think that nothing is that bad. Unless you have been there, well, I just don't think you could ever understand. The whole thing is that you feel no one would miss you, so you really aren't thinking of other's. You think that what is happening will continue to happen and nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to change it or make it better. Picking yourself up is just not an option anymore, as there is not even the slightest glimmer of hope left to open your eyes to in the morning. There are things that bad, believe me.
When I was feeling this way, and I have to say it stayed a really long time, I gave myself deadlines. If this happens by this time I will put off offing myself for another week, or month, or two months. It was a game I played with myself, just to get to the next day, week, month, vacation, holiday, Friday! For some reason it worked out, and I never got to the point where I successfully offed myself, and what I have to say now is only by the Grace of God do I live and breath today, and I am forever grateful.
If I had offed myself, well I would never have met Damie. Life without her just wouldn't be the same, she is the other half of me, the part I missed for so many years before I ever laied eyes on her.
I would never have had Zeb, and boy that would have been unimaginable. Zeb has brought so many things to my life. More than I could have ever imagined before having him. Everyone says a child changes you, but I had no idea how much he would change me on the inside. Things that I thought would be broken forever were mended by his smile, his touch. I never thought I could be giving, and kind, and thoughtful, but he allowed me to be without question or criticism. I have learned through him that life is worth all the ups and downs, it's worth all the tears and hurts, it's worth it all. He has taught me that people really do love with their whole heart, and do it willingly. I will never be the same since knowing him, and for that I am truly grateful.
Life has it's ups and downs, it twists and turns, it's laughter's and it's tears. It is all worth it. I don't ever want it to end, but if it should I know I was loved, and I loved! What more is there?
When I was feeling this way, and I have to say it stayed a really long time, I gave myself deadlines. If this happens by this time I will put off offing myself for another week, or month, or two months. It was a game I played with myself, just to get to the next day, week, month, vacation, holiday, Friday! For some reason it worked out, and I never got to the point where I successfully offed myself, and what I have to say now is only by the Grace of God do I live and breath today, and I am forever grateful.
If I had offed myself, well I would never have met Damie. Life without her just wouldn't be the same, she is the other half of me, the part I missed for so many years before I ever laied eyes on her.
I would never have had Zeb, and boy that would have been unimaginable. Zeb has brought so many things to my life. More than I could have ever imagined before having him. Everyone says a child changes you, but I had no idea how much he would change me on the inside. Things that I thought would be broken forever were mended by his smile, his touch. I never thought I could be giving, and kind, and thoughtful, but he allowed me to be without question or criticism. I have learned through him that life is worth all the ups and downs, it's worth all the tears and hurts, it's worth it all. He has taught me that people really do love with their whole heart, and do it willingly. I will never be the same since knowing him, and for that I am truly grateful.
Life has it's ups and downs, it twists and turns, it's laughter's and it's tears. It is all worth it. I don't ever want it to end, but if it should I know I was loved, and I loved! What more is there?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)