Okay, so Cynthia Nixon said in an interview that she is gay by choice, and that made all the gay rights people crazy!! What's the problem here, because I just don't understand it. We all find out new things about ourselves as we grow and develop as individuals. Even new things about our sexuality.
I have really had it up to here with people who put so much importance on sexuality. I don't think it helps anyone to keep talking about it like it is what defines us as human beings. It is not what defines me, it is a small part of who I am, but quite frankly it plays a much smaller role then say, being a mother does. Who I fall in love with is not what defines me as human, but instead my ability to love and to be loved is what I feel defines me. Over the course of the last few years we have heard one celebrity or another come "out of the closet" and place their gay badge on their shirt like it's some sort of metal. I don't feel that way at all. And maybe that is what makes me different, even more different than just being gay.
I never came out to anyone, well other than to myself and a couple of friends who just needed to be told in order to clarify things. I have never felt the need to get on some soap box and scream "I'm gay, now deal with it". I don't know why anyone really would ever need to do that. I think what gay people want more than anyone is to be treated like everyone else, but yet all in all there is this need to share the gay badge to everyone who will look or listen. I am 44 yrs old and have yet to hear a single straight person say to me, "Hi, my name is Susan. I have two kids and oh by the way, I'm straight". Has anyone ever heard a straight person say that?? I don't need to know who anyone sleeps with to befriend them, or to think that we all need equal rights. I don't need everyone that I come in contact with to know, "oh by the way, Zeb has two mom's I hope that's okay with you". I have never lived that way, and I have known I was gay since I was 10 yrs old, if not before. My brothers never came down stairs one day and sat my parents down and said, "mom and dad, I don't know for sure but I think I just might be straight". Yes you can say that is not something straight people have to do as it's just assumed, but if we want to be treated equally and not differently we need to start acting that way. I don't need your blessing, or you acceptance, or your opinion, all I ever need is your love and that should come no matter who I choose to love. I think too much is made out of something that to me seems as normal as any other one thing about me.
Several years ago I was talking about religion with a Jewish friend of mine. She lived mostly as a Jew, except she did not believe in all the dietary restrictions. She said she felt that they were made in a time when they did have some relevance, but in modern day, with all the types of food storage we have now all of that had become obsolete. She said something that has stayed with me all this time. What she said is, "most Jew's who were born Jewish, and had Jewish heritage do not follow it to the T, but those who marry into it or convert are the strongest followers know to man". I think that is true is so many aspects of life. I think that is true with gay people as well. Those of us who have always known just sort of take it all for granted, don't feel it is something we need to constantly talk about or shove down people's throats, but those who have learned about that part of themselves later in life seem to need to share it with everyone. Maybe it's because a light has gone on, and they finally have answers to all their questions, maybe it's because if they aren't the perfect Gay they won't be included in the club, or maybe it's just that they are so proud of themselves for figuring it out that they feel the need to share it with everyone they come across. I don't know as I am not one of them. What I do know is I don't get it. It is me, it is not all of me, and it is not something I really need to share. Am I proud to be gay, of course I am. I would not have ever had children if I did not feel proud of who I am, as I couldn't ever expect my children to be proud of me if I wasn't first. There is nothing wrong with pride. But why do we have to have so much pride that we stick it in people's faces.
I am not one to go to gay pride parades, simply for the fact that that is not a place that I would be proud to take my child. Unfortunately this is where many people form their opinion of gays. I am not sure anyone can have any respect for a group when all you see is indecent activities, the types you don't want your children to see. This does not in any way help the cause, in real fact it hurts it. It certainly does not bring any pride to me, in fact I am embarrassed by most of it. There is a time and place to be so flamboyant, and it is not in a public street. I really feel the more we live inside society as just regular folks the more advancement we will have. No one is afraid of people who look just like them, hold jobs just like them, have children in schools just like them, and pay taxes just like them. No one would ever be offended by someone who is just trying to make it in the world like everyone else. I am not big on public shows of affection, not with gays or straights. I have always been aware of my surroundings and what I have felt would be appropriate. I feel that it is about respect more than anything else. I don't think it is anything that needs to be shown outside of ones home. I think that some gays show all this affection in public for shock more than anything else. Even I am uncomfortable around it, as it is just too much. I don't need to see anyone heavy petting down at the fireworks display on the 4th of July, gay or straight. These are the things that need to be changed.
I think that it is important to achieve equal rights under the law for gays. This is not really about being gay at all, but more importantly it's about all humans being equal. Isn't that what it's all about. You may not agree with the way we live our lives, but you can't deny that we are equals. I don't agree with people who cheat on their spouses, or ones that use marriage as a tool in which to make money and afford fame, however I feel that they deserve equal rights under the law.
As far a Cynthia Nixon. She fell in love with a man, had two kids and then divorced. She has now fallen in love with a woman, and there is not one thing wrong with that. What is wrong is trying to push it down her throat that since she has made the choice it can't be a choice but rather the way she has been wired all along. I prefer to refer to my sexuality as being more about who I am attracted to rather than what sex I am attracted to. I prefer to be with woman as I feel there is more of a intimate connection, but that does not mean that I don't find things about males very attractive I do. It is just in my experience, I feel more honest when I am with a female than when I am with a male. Is is a choice, sure to some degree it is a choice. I could live the rest of my life without either male or females, but I choose to be with Damie. I am sure I could have lived my life married to a man, but it wouldn't have been the most honest of relationships. I know it would have made my life easier, just go with the crowd, blend in, don't make waves, live the way that is more acceptable. I preferred to be totally loved and to totally love instead. That is better for me, better for my partner and much better for my child.
I think it's time to give up the definitions, and just start being who we are and living the way we feel most authentic. It is no ones business anyway.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
What an increadable turn around of a day!
I woke up this morning in kind of a bad mood. I had been dreaming about the battery in Zeb's fire truck, and it made me angry all over again. Zeb has this battery operated fire truck. We sold alot of his baby stuff at a mom to mom sale when he was three and purchased the fire truck with the money we made. It's a really nice thing, he can go all over in it and it even has a little hose that actually sprays water. He has had hours and hours of fun with it. Well last winter we put it in the garage as we usually did, and put the battery down in the basement so that we could charge it every month or so, as again, we had usually done. Well the basement flooded and continued to flood for almost 4 months, and recharging the battery kind of took a back seat. This past spring when we took the fire truck out of the garage and put the battery in it, it didn't work. We tried charging it again but still no go. So off to Toys R Us to see about getting another battery. Well if you wouldn't know it, they sold us the toy but did not carry the battery that goes with the toy. We were told that someone else might carry it, but they didn't know who that someone else might be or we could look online. Well this made me mad and that's what I woke up to this morning. The battery is online and it's at a cost of $100.00, one third of the price of the toy. Outrageous!!
Yesterday, I got a call from a women who is moving to Toronto and in need of someone to come clean her house before the new tenants come to pick up the keys at 6:30 pm Saturday night. She wondered if I might be able to do it. I had put an ad online to do house cleaning a couple of days earlier and this was the first nibble. I was surprised I had someone asking so quickly, but not actually looking forward to cleaning on a Sat. I called Damie to see what her take on it was, and she was game so I called the lady back and told her that "we" would be happy to help her out Sat afternoon. She assured me that it wasn't much, since she had the whole house deep cleaned a couple of months ago, and there was no longer any furniture left so it would be just some vacuuming and a little light dusting here and there. I gave her a price of about $40.00 since she thought that it would take two people a couple of hours to do the work. I don't think Damie was all that excited about losing some of our Sat. for $40.00, but I thought it was fair, and since she was so nice on the phone I felt it was a good deal.
Saturday always goes so fast for us, we usually spend the mornings just chilling and the afternoons doing something fun. Today seemed to fly by and the time to go and clean was quick approaching. All three of us got ready, Damie put the stuff we would need in the car and Zeb collected things to do to entertain himself while we cleaned. We arrived almost on time and all walked to the door. Soon after entering, I realized there was a bit more work to be done than she had indicated the day before, but no matter, we were going to have to get it done in two hours so that our whole day wasn't shot. As for Zeb he lucked out. They had two girls, both around his age that were delighted to have him there to play, which took a huge load off my mind as I hadn't mentioned he would be in tow and also I knew he would stay out of every one's way if he was occupied by two other kids in the house. We started on the third floor, which as it turns out was the cleanest, but still had a fair amount of dust bunnies hanging around. I finished the stairs case, and started in the basement. It was pretty clean by the time I got there, Damie had scrubbed the bathroom and laundry room sink, which from what I understand was quite a mess as there had been painters there for a few weeks and had left quite a mess for them. As we got to the main floor I had worked up a sweat, and Damie was kind of losing steam. We had been working for almost two hours and the dirtiest part was still left to do. I was not exactly amused. Then the home owner came to me and said, "now look ladies, we both know that this was a bit more work than I had originally thought, and it looks like you guys are going to be here a bit more than we had planned so why don't we just agree on $60.00 for the job". I was so happy that she offered, as usually it's like pulling teeth to get people to pay more than discussed, even when they know full well it's worth it. I was so happy, not because of the money so much, but I could slow down and take my time....I was feeling kind of stressed. Now I could do the big part of the job better and all would be happy. Damie and I had noticed she had some books on her dinning room floor regarding the Windsor Fringe Festival and asked what they were about. She said that she is the organizer of the event each year. Damie went on to tell her that we had done theatre in Houston for several years before moving to Canada and had been talking about getting back into it sometime. She was overjoyed by that, she told Damie all about what they do, how they make money, and how gets involved. She wanted us to send her all of our information as she knew we could be used in some paying capacity this year.
Damie and I have felt for a long time that we were kind of missing the involvement of theatre, but didn't exactly know how to go about getting back and then we run into this lady and boom, there it is. What an amazing happenstance. Sometimes you meet the person you are exactly supposed to meet just when you are meant to meet them. I find it incredibly interesting that we should take a cleaning job we didn't really want to take, to be rewarded by it being with someone who could really point us in some great directions. Both Damie and I are excited tonight, hoping this is what we have been looking for, and that maybe just maybe we can get back into doing something we both love to do. What an incredible turn around of a day!
Yesterday, I got a call from a women who is moving to Toronto and in need of someone to come clean her house before the new tenants come to pick up the keys at 6:30 pm Saturday night. She wondered if I might be able to do it. I had put an ad online to do house cleaning a couple of days earlier and this was the first nibble. I was surprised I had someone asking so quickly, but not actually looking forward to cleaning on a Sat. I called Damie to see what her take on it was, and she was game so I called the lady back and told her that "we" would be happy to help her out Sat afternoon. She assured me that it wasn't much, since she had the whole house deep cleaned a couple of months ago, and there was no longer any furniture left so it would be just some vacuuming and a little light dusting here and there. I gave her a price of about $40.00 since she thought that it would take two people a couple of hours to do the work. I don't think Damie was all that excited about losing some of our Sat. for $40.00, but I thought it was fair, and since she was so nice on the phone I felt it was a good deal.
Saturday always goes so fast for us, we usually spend the mornings just chilling and the afternoons doing something fun. Today seemed to fly by and the time to go and clean was quick approaching. All three of us got ready, Damie put the stuff we would need in the car and Zeb collected things to do to entertain himself while we cleaned. We arrived almost on time and all walked to the door. Soon after entering, I realized there was a bit more work to be done than she had indicated the day before, but no matter, we were going to have to get it done in two hours so that our whole day wasn't shot. As for Zeb he lucked out. They had two girls, both around his age that were delighted to have him there to play, which took a huge load off my mind as I hadn't mentioned he would be in tow and also I knew he would stay out of every one's way if he was occupied by two other kids in the house. We started on the third floor, which as it turns out was the cleanest, but still had a fair amount of dust bunnies hanging around. I finished the stairs case, and started in the basement. It was pretty clean by the time I got there, Damie had scrubbed the bathroom and laundry room sink, which from what I understand was quite a mess as there had been painters there for a few weeks and had left quite a mess for them. As we got to the main floor I had worked up a sweat, and Damie was kind of losing steam. We had been working for almost two hours and the dirtiest part was still left to do. I was not exactly amused. Then the home owner came to me and said, "now look ladies, we both know that this was a bit more work than I had originally thought, and it looks like you guys are going to be here a bit more than we had planned so why don't we just agree on $60.00 for the job". I was so happy that she offered, as usually it's like pulling teeth to get people to pay more than discussed, even when they know full well it's worth it. I was so happy, not because of the money so much, but I could slow down and take my time....I was feeling kind of stressed. Now I could do the big part of the job better and all would be happy. Damie and I had noticed she had some books on her dinning room floor regarding the Windsor Fringe Festival and asked what they were about. She said that she is the organizer of the event each year. Damie went on to tell her that we had done theatre in Houston for several years before moving to Canada and had been talking about getting back into it sometime. She was overjoyed by that, she told Damie all about what they do, how they make money, and how gets involved. She wanted us to send her all of our information as she knew we could be used in some paying capacity this year.
Damie and I have felt for a long time that we were kind of missing the involvement of theatre, but didn't exactly know how to go about getting back and then we run into this lady and boom, there it is. What an amazing happenstance. Sometimes you meet the person you are exactly supposed to meet just when you are meant to meet them. I find it incredibly interesting that we should take a cleaning job we didn't really want to take, to be rewarded by it being with someone who could really point us in some great directions. Both Damie and I are excited tonight, hoping this is what we have been looking for, and that maybe just maybe we can get back into doing something we both love to do. What an incredible turn around of a day!
Friday, January 27, 2012
I almost peed my pants
Every morning Damie takes the dog out the back door onto the back porch and then into the yard. It is pretty normal, she does her business and back in for some kibble she comes, the dog that is not Damie. Well yesterday was different. Damie went out the back door and went to fix her coat when Brooklyn (our 50 lb golden doodle) spotted a rabbit and off she flew pulling the plastic handle of the 8 foot leash right out of Damie's hand. That dog tore off like Santa on Christmas eve, it was like watching a cartoon just this streak across the yard. She circled the back yard, than ran right through a very large hedge, without even slightly slowing down and then right into the backyard of the neighbour. She was out of sight....gone like the wind, all you could hear was a whimpering dog and that plastic handle hitting the ground, trees, stumps every once in a while. Damie sized up the situation and knew, there is no way she was going to catch this dog she was moving like a locomotive. It was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. That dog was in her glory...rabbits have always been this unknown play toy she has admired from a distance for months. They sit out into the yard and normally she sits and watches them until they go out of sight and then she cries for them to come back...but today she got her wish. What a morning she had and I almost peed my pants!!! She did come back eventually, as we knew she would, leash and all!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday thoughts
On Monday Zeb came home angry with me because it was library day AGAIN and that I didn't send his library book back to school for him to hand in!!!!!! I quickly responded with "Okay boy....who's job is it to know what day you are on at school and further, to know what needs to be taken back to school? Not mine I can assure you young man. And furthermore I don't appreciate you stomping into my quiet house after school being all angry at me for something that is not in anyway my fault." He calmed down, and said he was sorry, but that he really wanted to get a new book today and now he won't be able to until next week. I said "you know Zeb, I don't even know what day of the week you guys are on at school, and even if I did I don't know what day is library day, that is up to you to know." This all made me a little angry because the communication between the school and home seems very shotty, and I getting kind of tired with it. I then sat down and went through his backpack as I do most afternoons. I took out his agenda and discovered there were a couple of notes in it from the teacher. One regarding to a permission slip I had signed last week for speech therapy, the other was about the fact that the class would be taking a mini test on Thursday on the continents and oceans of the world. I had talked to her a week or so ago about speech therapy and had told her he used to see someone for that in day care, but they signed off on him. I also mentioned to her that since he is missing five teeth at the front of his mouth right now that maybe that might be the reason he is having difficulty saying some letter's or combination of letter's incorrectly. She still felt that he could benefit from it anyway so she was going to send home a permission slip that night. I signed it and sent it back the next day and if you wouldn't know it, she never got the signed consent. So my answer to her note today was, it was sent back the following day and where it went after that is a mystery. In Nov. $37.00 of our hard earned money also went missing in that 2/3 class, so hearing that the consent had gone missing did not surprise me at all. I then opened his take home reading folder to find that the same book was in it, even though we had signed off on it on the 10th of Jan. and it had just been going back and forth everyday without getting exchanged out (In Zeb's class the teacher sends a reading level appropriate book home with a sign out sheet attached. The child is supposed to read the book, and once you feel he is reading it fluently, without too many stumbles you sign off on it, it goes back to school and then she sends another one. This doesn't happen in ever class, only in the classes where the teacher has the books to send home, I know that a friend of mine, who's daughter went to the same school as Zeb never had take home books, and she was kind of pissed that Zeb was afforded this and her daughter didn't get that luxury). Anyway, seeing that book still in there, knowing that the teacher never received the permission slip and still feeling the anger from being verbally attacked when my kid got home all came together and I sat down and wrote my own note to the teacher. I asked why the same take home reading book was still in his folder from Jan. 10, I asked why is that I have no idea what day they are on because without that information how are us parents able to help remind our children about such things as library books, and for the love of God could we please come up with a better method of getting her important things like money and permission slips as the current way is not working and is very frustrating!!! I know that my note was not really angry, but it wasn't exactly cordial either. I am getting quite frustrated with all the chaos, and for the love of my sanity, we need to find a better way. As for the mini quiz, we all just sort of jumped into the information that night, getting Zeb all excited about geography. The next day Damie printed off some stuff at work that she thought would help with the learning. She brought home word searches for the continents and oceans, maps, quiz's, colouring pages etc. He was going to learn this stuff if it killed us, but actually it all came very easy. Zeb loved all the things he was given to do, and for the next two nights has come home from school and got right to the word searches and other work sheets. It's been really nice to see. As for my note to the teacher, she sent home a long letter explaining the day they are on, and that I should have go something the first day of class (but I think she is forgetting that Zeb started at that school a month after everyone else and because of that I think some things were forgotten), I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one. She also answered the question about the take home reading book, and that what was to happen was Zeb was to come to her when the sheet was signed off and then she would replace the book. She thought that since he didn't come to her, that he was still working on it. All I could think of was, the kid has ADHD maybe it's time we give him some slack and ask him how he is doing on such things as take home reading books. Maybe she doesn't have time every day to do such things, but really it's been more than two weeks now....I don't know maybe I expect too much.
Both Zeb and I had doctors appointments this week. I had to see the doctor as well as my therapist, Zeb needed to see the doctor to get weighed and to talk about his ADHD meds and how we feel things are going. We have decided to tweak his meds for now and see if we can't get some better results. We feel there is no sense medicating him if we are not getting the best results from those meds as possible as it will not do him any favors.
My therapy appointment went well, it's been a while since I have seen her and it was good to get back to the work. There is so many area's I need to put forth some effort into so that I can better understand why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I do. I think that knowing where I have been and what that has done to me will help me in my here and now. I am realizing just how much my childhood has effected my life today, and how much work is involved to repair that damage. There is nothing I can do about the past, it is what it is, but there are things I can do now that will impact my life in positive ways. I am a very strong person, and sometimes I forget that. No one could have lived through my childhood without being strong. I was not one of those people who, while being abused, went to a safe place in my mind and got lost into that world while all the bad things were going on. I was present through it all. It is amazing how much being sexually abused effects your day to day life. I don't trust people the way I should, I can't actually even fathom it. I have realized that I can't put Zeb into any situation where there would ever be a closed door. By that I mean, if there was an area where I couldn't enter. And that feeling of fear is just increased by stories of abuse. We all know about the abuse that happened in Penn State, and how so many knew about it, witnessed it and did nothing. No one is safe, no place is safe. I don't believe there are enough honourable people out in the world today who would actually keep our children safe. We, as a society, have not actually made up our minds when it comes to childhood sexual assault. Sure most of us feel it is disgusting when we here stories like Penn State, but when it hits home and is happening to someone you know or love or it is being done by someone we know or love, our tune changes about how bad it really is. and sometimes we turn our heads and not get involved to save a relationship or a marriage or a family. When I say that what I mean is, if it is happening outside of your life you feel that those people committing child sexual assault should be burned at the stake. There isn't any sane person who would not say that. But if that childhood sexual assault happens in your own back yard, in your own locker room, in your own basement, well then we are confused as to what to do. No one at Penn State wanted to get involved because they wanted to keep their standing and not make waves. No one there felt enough outrage to beat down the police's doors to get those children help. Can you imagine what it must have felt like to be that boy being raped in that shower stall and seeing someone come in see what was happening and leave the room. He must have felt, now someone will help me, it wont be long until someone is here to stop this from happening, finally I am safe. What he must have felt like when no one came, when no one stopped it, when no one felt that what was happening to him was wrong. The shame that child must have felt when no one came to help him. He must have felt like he deserved this, like he did something wrong. How crippling that must have been for him, I can't believe he is even here to talk about it. But yet, even after hearing about that and also hearing that no one did anything to help that victim and all the others who came before and after that boy, there were people who stood up publicly and defended the coach. Said that he made a bad choice, that he should have done something more, but didn't. Then also went on to say that just because he failed in this area does not make him a dishonorable man. My question is, if you are not going to put yourself out on a limb, maybe in a place where you may come under fire, what makes you honorable. To me, honour comes from putting yourself out there for others no matter the cost to yourself. In my opinion he failed, but in other's it is so wishy washy!
My dad started radiation yesterday. It was very painful, and a very long day for him but it is something he has to do. I am glad he has found the strength to do this. He also went to see a kemo doctor yesterday. For a while I was a little afraid that he was holding out hope that this was not going to take him, that he would get better. I was glad to hear that he was going to go see a kemo doctor so that the doctor would make it crystal clear to him what in fact is going to happen. Well that is what happened yesterday. I know his hopes were shattered, but in some way I feel that it is better than holding onto some belief that you will get through this just to later find out that it has all been a waste of time. I feel this way because I do hope that he takes the last days and weeks of his life to dot every I and cross every T, and then when that final day comes he will be ready. It would mean so much to me to know that at the end he goes having nothing unsaid, instead of having him regretting that he has run out of time.
Both Zeb and I had doctors appointments this week. I had to see the doctor as well as my therapist, Zeb needed to see the doctor to get weighed and to talk about his ADHD meds and how we feel things are going. We have decided to tweak his meds for now and see if we can't get some better results. We feel there is no sense medicating him if we are not getting the best results from those meds as possible as it will not do him any favors.
My therapy appointment went well, it's been a while since I have seen her and it was good to get back to the work. There is so many area's I need to put forth some effort into so that I can better understand why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I do. I think that knowing where I have been and what that has done to me will help me in my here and now. I am realizing just how much my childhood has effected my life today, and how much work is involved to repair that damage. There is nothing I can do about the past, it is what it is, but there are things I can do now that will impact my life in positive ways. I am a very strong person, and sometimes I forget that. No one could have lived through my childhood without being strong. I was not one of those people who, while being abused, went to a safe place in my mind and got lost into that world while all the bad things were going on. I was present through it all. It is amazing how much being sexually abused effects your day to day life. I don't trust people the way I should, I can't actually even fathom it. I have realized that I can't put Zeb into any situation where there would ever be a closed door. By that I mean, if there was an area where I couldn't enter. And that feeling of fear is just increased by stories of abuse. We all know about the abuse that happened in Penn State, and how so many knew about it, witnessed it and did nothing. No one is safe, no place is safe. I don't believe there are enough honourable people out in the world today who would actually keep our children safe. We, as a society, have not actually made up our minds when it comes to childhood sexual assault. Sure most of us feel it is disgusting when we here stories like Penn State, but when it hits home and is happening to someone you know or love or it is being done by someone we know or love, our tune changes about how bad it really is. and sometimes we turn our heads and not get involved to save a relationship or a marriage or a family. When I say that what I mean is, if it is happening outside of your life you feel that those people committing child sexual assault should be burned at the stake. There isn't any sane person who would not say that. But if that childhood sexual assault happens in your own back yard, in your own locker room, in your own basement, well then we are confused as to what to do. No one at Penn State wanted to get involved because they wanted to keep their standing and not make waves. No one there felt enough outrage to beat down the police's doors to get those children help. Can you imagine what it must have felt like to be that boy being raped in that shower stall and seeing someone come in see what was happening and leave the room. He must have felt, now someone will help me, it wont be long until someone is here to stop this from happening, finally I am safe. What he must have felt like when no one came, when no one stopped it, when no one felt that what was happening to him was wrong. The shame that child must have felt when no one came to help him. He must have felt like he deserved this, like he did something wrong. How crippling that must have been for him, I can't believe he is even here to talk about it. But yet, even after hearing about that and also hearing that no one did anything to help that victim and all the others who came before and after that boy, there were people who stood up publicly and defended the coach. Said that he made a bad choice, that he should have done something more, but didn't. Then also went on to say that just because he failed in this area does not make him a dishonorable man. My question is, if you are not going to put yourself out on a limb, maybe in a place where you may come under fire, what makes you honorable. To me, honour comes from putting yourself out there for others no matter the cost to yourself. In my opinion he failed, but in other's it is so wishy washy!
My dad started radiation yesterday. It was very painful, and a very long day for him but it is something he has to do. I am glad he has found the strength to do this. He also went to see a kemo doctor yesterday. For a while I was a little afraid that he was holding out hope that this was not going to take him, that he would get better. I was glad to hear that he was going to go see a kemo doctor so that the doctor would make it crystal clear to him what in fact is going to happen. Well that is what happened yesterday. I know his hopes were shattered, but in some way I feel that it is better than holding onto some belief that you will get through this just to later find out that it has all been a waste of time. I feel this way because I do hope that he takes the last days and weeks of his life to dot every I and cross every T, and then when that final day comes he will be ready. It would mean so much to me to know that at the end he goes having nothing unsaid, instead of having him regretting that he has run out of time.
Monday, January 23, 2012
He was Larger than Life!!
We have all met people in our lives who may not ever play a large role, but impact us none the less. These people have that something special that draws you too them and are what I would consider to be bigger than life.
In high school I was invisible. I had some friends but just a very small select group. We ate lunch together, sometimes worked on home work together, sometimes went to the dances together. I was not one of those people who you would call a social butterfly, it just wasn't me. I would say that I was friendly, and for the most part liked almost everyone, but never really made any sort of a bang.
There were people who were social butterfly's, they floated around and everyone took notice. Some of them were more friendly than other's, some were just so full of themselves they didn't even notice you were alive. I always like the ones who just had this way about them, a sense of self, and just oozed with confidence, even if they didn't actually have any. They were kind of larger than life, and very well liked. One of those people died today, and I have spent the day thinking about what a great person he was.
This guy had a smile that just said, "Hey how are you". When he spoke to you he had this way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world. He had these smoky eyes that just screamed friendliness, the kind that seem to smile all by themselves. When he walked down the hall his whole body looked like it was happy. I don't think there was anyone who didn't like him and want to be around him.
He was one of the smartest people I had ever met. He knew so much about everything and loved to debate with anyone about anything. I remember on more than one occasion him debating with this teacher or that and actually getting them to look at things differently. He had his beliefs and loved to show you how they actually made sense. It was always a lot of fun to watch. He lived in a way that was just so easy, nothing ever seemed to get him down. His arms were always open, just waiting for the next hug, and he gave great ones. No matter what the circumstances were, he was there to hold your hand offer you a shoulder and hand you a beer. I need more people like that in my life.
It's hard to lose people your own age. It wakes you up to how little time we all actually have, even if we live to be a rip old age. Life is so short, too short. This particular death has hit me very hard. I wasn't good friends with him, I haven't even seen him for 20 something years, but it has made me realize how much more I need to do. He showed everyone he ever came into contact with how full life can be by living every day to the fullest. He had a zest, a drive, a desire to experience all that he could. I really think he was put on this earth to show all of us what it's all about.
It's people like him that make you appreciate the good people. There are so many people who just care about themselves, don't care what they do, how they do it or who they hurt doing it. I have no time or energy for those types of people any more. I want more Brian's in my life, and I want to use this loss as a symbol. I want to find more like him, and I want to be more like him. His death has reminded me about the good things, and that is what he brought to me today!
Happy Birthday Brian, may you Rest In Peace!
In high school I was invisible. I had some friends but just a very small select group. We ate lunch together, sometimes worked on home work together, sometimes went to the dances together. I was not one of those people who you would call a social butterfly, it just wasn't me. I would say that I was friendly, and for the most part liked almost everyone, but never really made any sort of a bang.
There were people who were social butterfly's, they floated around and everyone took notice. Some of them were more friendly than other's, some were just so full of themselves they didn't even notice you were alive. I always like the ones who just had this way about them, a sense of self, and just oozed with confidence, even if they didn't actually have any. They were kind of larger than life, and very well liked. One of those people died today, and I have spent the day thinking about what a great person he was.
This guy had a smile that just said, "Hey how are you". When he spoke to you he had this way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world. He had these smoky eyes that just screamed friendliness, the kind that seem to smile all by themselves. When he walked down the hall his whole body looked like it was happy. I don't think there was anyone who didn't like him and want to be around him.
He was one of the smartest people I had ever met. He knew so much about everything and loved to debate with anyone about anything. I remember on more than one occasion him debating with this teacher or that and actually getting them to look at things differently. He had his beliefs and loved to show you how they actually made sense. It was always a lot of fun to watch. He lived in a way that was just so easy, nothing ever seemed to get him down. His arms were always open, just waiting for the next hug, and he gave great ones. No matter what the circumstances were, he was there to hold your hand offer you a shoulder and hand you a beer. I need more people like that in my life.
It's hard to lose people your own age. It wakes you up to how little time we all actually have, even if we live to be a rip old age. Life is so short, too short. This particular death has hit me very hard. I wasn't good friends with him, I haven't even seen him for 20 something years, but it has made me realize how much more I need to do. He showed everyone he ever came into contact with how full life can be by living every day to the fullest. He had a zest, a drive, a desire to experience all that he could. I really think he was put on this earth to show all of us what it's all about.
It's people like him that make you appreciate the good people. There are so many people who just care about themselves, don't care what they do, how they do it or who they hurt doing it. I have no time or energy for those types of people any more. I want more Brian's in my life, and I want to use this loss as a symbol. I want to find more like him, and I want to be more like him. His death has reminded me about the good things, and that is what he brought to me today!
Happy Birthday Brian, may you Rest In Peace!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Suffering through a bad case of Zeb is off today!
Zeb is home today, yes the schools are closed today all across the province so that his teachers and administration can develop. Here in Canada we call them PD days (professional development days), in other parts of the world they are called something else. I don't mind really, it's nice to have him home an extra day here and there, but I have to wonder what it must be like for those parents who work and have to pay to have their kids looked after on these days. There is a PD day every month here, even if it is in the same month that they already have a day off like next month where we have a PA day and family day. The kids go to school 10 months of the year so that means a total of 10 days a year that a parent has to pay to have their kids looked after. I have yet to find anything that costs less than 35 dollars a day, so that is a total for many parents of 350.00 a year to have their kids looked after. I am not even going to start calculating the other days, like spring break, Christmas break, family day etc. Some people barley make it month to month, and then to have to come up with an additional 35.00/month to pay for child care. I am not complaining, I am just hopeful that they use this time to the fullest and make it worth that 35.00/child.
Two very inspirational women died over the past two days, and I feel compelled to speak about both of them today.
Canadian freestyle skier Sarah Burke died yesterday as a result of injuries she suffered while training in Utah on Jan. 10th. This woman worked hard to become the very best in her sport, and with that professionalism and talent, along with a great deal of determination had her sport acknowledge by the Olympic committee. We will watch, as a result of this young woman, freestyle skiing in the winter Olympics in 2014 in Sochi, Russia. She was born in Ontario and will be greatly missed by so many. What moves me the most about Ms. Burke's story is the same one that always strikes me in cases like this. I am always so taken aback by people, mostly women, who at a very young age know exactly what they want to do with their lives and go after it will all they have. Where does that determination come from? I don't know as I have never had that. I am always awe struck by people like Sarah who can not only overcome so many obstacles, but strive in a way that just makes you sit back and wonder who this phenomenon is! She is someone who we want our girls to look up to, someone I would want my daughter (if I had one) to see and want to be like. Maybe not a skier, but want to follow in the way of working hard and achieving greatness in whatever they put their minds to. So often stories of amazing women go without being told, and I am tired of it. It is time we forget about what people look like, or how shocking they live their lives, and start to look at women our daughters can look at and want to be like that would make us all proud. There is a real epidemic with young girls now a days and that is poor body image. From what I see, we spend too much time and money on the likes of the Kardashians and not enough time and money on real role models like Sarah Burke. My heart goes out to her husband Rory Bushfield and their families. Sarah may or may not have had any medical insurance that will cover the hospital costs, so the family has set up a site where you can make donations. I would like to include that here. http://www2.giveforward.com/sarahburke.html
Along with Sarah, we lost the incredible Etta James. No one can hear "At Last" without it tearing your heart to shreds and that is because of the ghostly harmony she brought to it. It was only a few years ago that I actually became aware of Ms. James and her music, and have loved her ever since. It saddens me to know that the world has lost one more of those pioneers, those that fought threw segregation, anger, and sexism. Her influence will always be with us, and with me. Just a couple of weeks ago singer Flo Rida released a song that included Etta singing Somethings gotta hold on me. My heart goes out to her family and friends. She will live forever in that music from generation to generation.
When I was young I was not at all into sports. I didn't follow them, and I didn't pay much attention to who played them. I know of a couple of skaters (Elizabeth Manning, Scott Hamilton, Barbara Underhill) because my mom watched figure skating alot, and I knew a couple of Olympic skiers like Steve Podborski, and Ken Reed (those Crazy Canucks). Other than that I didn't know much. I did however follow Terry Fox from the minute his story reached us in Ontario. The courage he had, and his determination was what drew me to the story and every night I couldn't wait until they updated us as to where he was now. He made it to my small town and I was lucky enough to have met him. He and is brother was staying down the street from me for the night, and I was able to shake his hand and say hello. I know that that incidental meeting meant nothing to him, but to me it was out of this world. The day he had to give up on his dream of running across Canada saddened me, as I knew it would have make him beyond sad. He died a few months later and our entire country morned. That summer my parents and I took a trip to British Columbia, and during that trip we were able to visit his grave site. There was no head stone there yet, but you knew it was him by the enormous hill of flowers that covered it. The courage he shown over those months of running went beyond anything I knew I was capable of, but because of him I found the strength to go through the things I needed to endure. He forever changed my life. We need role models, and good ones.
It is cloudy here today, and kind of boring. I was going to take Zeb for a walk down at the lake today, even though it is freezing, but then I remembered that they have not yet found the body of the workman who fell off the ambassador bridge last week. I hope for his family's sake they find him soon. That's all I would need, walking along the beach and come across a dead body....like my kid isn't crazy enough. My friend Jenny's husband grew up around here, and remembers finding many bodies in the lake as a kid. Wow, can you imagine that, you go out for a swim and there's someone floating by. Boy makes me want to stay out of the water that's for sure. I am not sure if he goes into the water anymore, but I sure wouldn't be. Living downstream from Detroit is a real disadvantage I guess. To tell you the truth I wouldn't go into lake Erie if you paid me, that thing is so dirty. I have heard stories about people putting their kids into the lake and them swimming around with toilet paper on their heads.....GROSS I mean DOUBLE GROSS!! Nope, we have a really nice ez set pool and that is where we like to stay in the summer. Zeb can go down to the lake and build sand castles but he will not go in it.
Via rail is offering 50% off adult tickets anywhere in Canada until late Jan. I would love to one day go over the Rockies in a train car. I think what a way to see it, travelling along while enjoying a nice cup of tea. Zeb has never been on a train, well not a full sized train, in his life. We have sort of talked about it, but have yet to do it. I also just read about a company who is now offering tours down to the Titanic wreck. Wow, wouldn't that be something! I am not sure I could handle it, as I get a little claustrophobic, but if I could I think what a sight. The Titanic sunk 100 years ago this April and all I can think is wouldn't it be amazing to see it the day it went down 100 years later. I guess I will just have to settle on seeing the movie Titanic 3D that day instead.
My dad went today to get a tattoo!! Yep, he is dying of cancer and got his first tattoo at age 77. I teased him a bit today about it. If only it was for fun, but rather it's for radiation. He will start getting treatments next Wed. They hope it will stop the pain, and so do I.
Two very inspirational women died over the past two days, and I feel compelled to speak about both of them today.
Canadian freestyle skier Sarah Burke died yesterday as a result of injuries she suffered while training in Utah on Jan. 10th. This woman worked hard to become the very best in her sport, and with that professionalism and talent, along with a great deal of determination had her sport acknowledge by the Olympic committee. We will watch, as a result of this young woman, freestyle skiing in the winter Olympics in 2014 in Sochi, Russia. She was born in Ontario and will be greatly missed by so many. What moves me the most about Ms. Burke's story is the same one that always strikes me in cases like this. I am always so taken aback by people, mostly women, who at a very young age know exactly what they want to do with their lives and go after it will all they have. Where does that determination come from? I don't know as I have never had that. I am always awe struck by people like Sarah who can not only overcome so many obstacles, but strive in a way that just makes you sit back and wonder who this phenomenon is! She is someone who we want our girls to look up to, someone I would want my daughter (if I had one) to see and want to be like. Maybe not a skier, but want to follow in the way of working hard and achieving greatness in whatever they put their minds to. So often stories of amazing women go without being told, and I am tired of it. It is time we forget about what people look like, or how shocking they live their lives, and start to look at women our daughters can look at and want to be like that would make us all proud. There is a real epidemic with young girls now a days and that is poor body image. From what I see, we spend too much time and money on the likes of the Kardashians and not enough time and money on real role models like Sarah Burke. My heart goes out to her husband Rory Bushfield and their families. Sarah may or may not have had any medical insurance that will cover the hospital costs, so the family has set up a site where you can make donations. I would like to include that here. http://www2.giveforward.com/sarahburke.html
Along with Sarah, we lost the incredible Etta James. No one can hear "At Last" without it tearing your heart to shreds and that is because of the ghostly harmony she brought to it. It was only a few years ago that I actually became aware of Ms. James and her music, and have loved her ever since. It saddens me to know that the world has lost one more of those pioneers, those that fought threw segregation, anger, and sexism. Her influence will always be with us, and with me. Just a couple of weeks ago singer Flo Rida released a song that included Etta singing Somethings gotta hold on me. My heart goes out to her family and friends. She will live forever in that music from generation to generation.
When I was young I was not at all into sports. I didn't follow them, and I didn't pay much attention to who played them. I know of a couple of skaters (Elizabeth Manning, Scott Hamilton, Barbara Underhill) because my mom watched figure skating alot, and I knew a couple of Olympic skiers like Steve Podborski, and Ken Reed (those Crazy Canucks). Other than that I didn't know much. I did however follow Terry Fox from the minute his story reached us in Ontario. The courage he had, and his determination was what drew me to the story and every night I couldn't wait until they updated us as to where he was now. He made it to my small town and I was lucky enough to have met him. He and is brother was staying down the street from me for the night, and I was able to shake his hand and say hello. I know that that incidental meeting meant nothing to him, but to me it was out of this world. The day he had to give up on his dream of running across Canada saddened me, as I knew it would have make him beyond sad. He died a few months later and our entire country morned. That summer my parents and I took a trip to British Columbia, and during that trip we were able to visit his grave site. There was no head stone there yet, but you knew it was him by the enormous hill of flowers that covered it. The courage he shown over those months of running went beyond anything I knew I was capable of, but because of him I found the strength to go through the things I needed to endure. He forever changed my life. We need role models, and good ones.
It is cloudy here today, and kind of boring. I was going to take Zeb for a walk down at the lake today, even though it is freezing, but then I remembered that they have not yet found the body of the workman who fell off the ambassador bridge last week. I hope for his family's sake they find him soon. That's all I would need, walking along the beach and come across a dead body....like my kid isn't crazy enough. My friend Jenny's husband grew up around here, and remembers finding many bodies in the lake as a kid. Wow, can you imagine that, you go out for a swim and there's someone floating by. Boy makes me want to stay out of the water that's for sure. I am not sure if he goes into the water anymore, but I sure wouldn't be. Living downstream from Detroit is a real disadvantage I guess. To tell you the truth I wouldn't go into lake Erie if you paid me, that thing is so dirty. I have heard stories about people putting their kids into the lake and them swimming around with toilet paper on their heads.....GROSS I mean DOUBLE GROSS!! Nope, we have a really nice ez set pool and that is where we like to stay in the summer. Zeb can go down to the lake and build sand castles but he will not go in it.
Via rail is offering 50% off adult tickets anywhere in Canada until late Jan. I would love to one day go over the Rockies in a train car. I think what a way to see it, travelling along while enjoying a nice cup of tea. Zeb has never been on a train, well not a full sized train, in his life. We have sort of talked about it, but have yet to do it. I also just read about a company who is now offering tours down to the Titanic wreck. Wow, wouldn't that be something! I am not sure I could handle it, as I get a little claustrophobic, but if I could I think what a sight. The Titanic sunk 100 years ago this April and all I can think is wouldn't it be amazing to see it the day it went down 100 years later. I guess I will just have to settle on seeing the movie Titanic 3D that day instead.
My dad went today to get a tattoo!! Yep, he is dying of cancer and got his first tattoo at age 77. I teased him a bit today about it. If only it was for fun, but rather it's for radiation. He will start getting treatments next Wed. They hope it will stop the pain, and so do I.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
My cold is getting worse instead of better, and I just don't get why. I have stayed inside, kept myself warm, drank so much green tea I would swim in it, napped. What more can I do? Still it gets worse, now it is down in my chest....exactly where I didn't want it to go. I think sometimes if I wanted it to go into my chest that is when it wouldn't go there. I think being sick when you don't work is a total waste of time, I have no where to stay home from and laying on the couch has really lost it's appeal. I hate being sick.
I don't understand for one second why it is that my 7 yr old gets on his school bus and that damn bus driver does not wait until he is seated to take off. She has to be at least 10 mins early to the school everyday, but still she acts like she is running late and she must push on. I think he is to young to fumble along trying to get to a seat with the bus motoring down the road. What ever happened to people caring about others. It comes second nature to me, I would rather be 5 mins late that have a little 7 yr old fall down trying to get to their seat. Every moring is the same thing, I sit there in the warmth of my car (because yes I do take my baby down to the bus stop and let him sit in the warm car until it's here) and I watch my little boy run over to the bus, climb up the stairs and voom off she goes without having him seated first. It kind of is driving me crazy!
I watched Rosie O'donnell on the Piers Morgan show yesterday (it was from the night before) and there was one thing said by Piers that I really never actually thought about before, but when he said it it was like an ah ha moment for me. He said something to her about gay marriage and what a shame it was that the American people felt the need to not allow it. He found that to be so outrageous as it is one of the few countries left that don't allow it. He said something about he didn't think there was a country left in Europe that didn't allow it. This make me thing, that is exactly how I have been thinking about it. I think, you are suppose to be the stongest, most powerful country in the world (or at least that is what is drilled into our heads from every imagionable source known to man) but yet you are so backward in your thinking and intentions. I realized when this was said that what other countries think of you is more important sometimes than what you think of yourself. Americans have this increadable pride, like no one else actually. I don't think that is a bad thing, but what are you proud of? I don't think there really is all that much really. Slavery? Economic's? Bush Jr? Vietname? Well the list could go on. My thinking here is maybe if you didn't hold others down so much more people would be standing beside and behind you pushing you up! I think it is time that you started thinking about what kind of image you have with others in the world? I think it's time to stop standing in the way of others and actually stand behind you "American Dream". I think it's time that you started to ask yourself, what must others think of us? And yes, you can say "who give a @#$% what other's think, but you know, what others think has so much to do with economic's, trade, commerce, safety, understanding. What other's think of you, as a whole, plays so much into how strong and mighty you really are. And seriously, who would ever, in their right mind, ever consider a potential presidencial canadate that tired his dog to the roof of his car and then drove that car to Canada?? Who??
Since I have decided to limit TV, Idol is on my chopping block. I have to say over the years I have enjoyed the show, and I particularly liked last season as far as having Steven Tyler on, but really I am quite tired of all the bullshit that goes along with the show. I think there comes a time when you have to put your foot down with some things. I think any reasonable person is against bullying. It goes against common sense, but yet we can't get enough of shows on television that actually encourage bullying. I think it doesn't happen so much now that Simon is gone, but it still happens. I don't like it, and I am going to stop watching. I think I will watch the final two night and see what I think of who got there without any of the back story etc. So Idol is off the watch list.
You know what I am thankful for today. Damie forgot the wheat grass this morning. I noticed right off, but you can be sure I wasn't going to tell her....not with time to get it on the table. I will tell her just before we say goodnight tonight that she forgot it, that way there won't be any time to get it into me. Damie read my blog yesterday, not sure if she is going to today. All I have to hope for is that she doesn't and then I will get a whole day off from the stuff.
I don't understand for one second why it is that my 7 yr old gets on his school bus and that damn bus driver does not wait until he is seated to take off. She has to be at least 10 mins early to the school everyday, but still she acts like she is running late and she must push on. I think he is to young to fumble along trying to get to a seat with the bus motoring down the road. What ever happened to people caring about others. It comes second nature to me, I would rather be 5 mins late that have a little 7 yr old fall down trying to get to their seat. Every moring is the same thing, I sit there in the warmth of my car (because yes I do take my baby down to the bus stop and let him sit in the warm car until it's here) and I watch my little boy run over to the bus, climb up the stairs and voom off she goes without having him seated first. It kind of is driving me crazy!
I watched Rosie O'donnell on the Piers Morgan show yesterday (it was from the night before) and there was one thing said by Piers that I really never actually thought about before, but when he said it it was like an ah ha moment for me. He said something to her about gay marriage and what a shame it was that the American people felt the need to not allow it. He found that to be so outrageous as it is one of the few countries left that don't allow it. He said something about he didn't think there was a country left in Europe that didn't allow it. This make me thing, that is exactly how I have been thinking about it. I think, you are suppose to be the stongest, most powerful country in the world (or at least that is what is drilled into our heads from every imagionable source known to man) but yet you are so backward in your thinking and intentions. I realized when this was said that what other countries think of you is more important sometimes than what you think of yourself. Americans have this increadable pride, like no one else actually. I don't think that is a bad thing, but what are you proud of? I don't think there really is all that much really. Slavery? Economic's? Bush Jr? Vietname? Well the list could go on. My thinking here is maybe if you didn't hold others down so much more people would be standing beside and behind you pushing you up! I think it is time that you started thinking about what kind of image you have with others in the world? I think it's time to stop standing in the way of others and actually stand behind you "American Dream". I think it's time that you started to ask yourself, what must others think of us? And yes, you can say "who give a @#$% what other's think, but you know, what others think has so much to do with economic's, trade, commerce, safety, understanding. What other's think of you, as a whole, plays so much into how strong and mighty you really are. And seriously, who would ever, in their right mind, ever consider a potential presidencial canadate that tired his dog to the roof of his car and then drove that car to Canada?? Who??
Since I have decided to limit TV, Idol is on my chopping block. I have to say over the years I have enjoyed the show, and I particularly liked last season as far as having Steven Tyler on, but really I am quite tired of all the bullshit that goes along with the show. I think there comes a time when you have to put your foot down with some things. I think any reasonable person is against bullying. It goes against common sense, but yet we can't get enough of shows on television that actually encourage bullying. I think it doesn't happen so much now that Simon is gone, but it still happens. I don't like it, and I am going to stop watching. I think I will watch the final two night and see what I think of who got there without any of the back story etc. So Idol is off the watch list.
You know what I am thankful for today. Damie forgot the wheat grass this morning. I noticed right off, but you can be sure I wasn't going to tell her....not with time to get it on the table. I will tell her just before we say goodnight tonight that she forgot it, that way there won't be any time to get it into me. Damie read my blog yesterday, not sure if she is going to today. All I have to hope for is that she doesn't and then I will get a whole day off from the stuff.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)