On Monday Zeb came home angry with me because it was library day AGAIN and that I didn't send his library book back to school for him to hand in!!!!!! I quickly responded with "Okay boy....who's job is it to know what day you are on at school and further, to know what needs to be taken back to school? Not mine I can assure you young man. And furthermore I don't appreciate you stomping into my quiet house after school being all angry at me for something that is not in anyway my fault." He calmed down, and said he was sorry, but that he really wanted to get a new book today and now he won't be able to until next week. I said "you know Zeb, I don't even know what day of the week you guys are on at school, and even if I did I don't know what day is library day, that is up to you to know." This all made me a little angry because the communication between the school and home seems very shotty, and I getting kind of tired with it. I then sat down and went through his backpack as I do most afternoons. I took out his agenda and discovered there were a couple of notes in it from the teacher. One regarding to a permission slip I had signed last week for speech therapy, the other was about the fact that the class would be taking a mini test on Thursday on the continents and oceans of the world. I had talked to her a week or so ago about speech therapy and had told her he used to see someone for that in day care, but they signed off on him. I also mentioned to her that since he is missing five teeth at the front of his mouth right now that maybe that might be the reason he is having difficulty saying some letter's or combination of letter's incorrectly. She still felt that he could benefit from it anyway so she was going to send home a permission slip that night. I signed it and sent it back the next day and if you wouldn't know it, she never got the signed consent. So my answer to her note today was, it was sent back the following day and where it went after that is a mystery. In Nov. $37.00 of our hard earned money also went missing in that 2/3 class, so hearing that the consent had gone missing did not surprise me at all. I then opened his take home reading folder to find that the same book was in it, even though we had signed off on it on the 10th of Jan. and it had just been going back and forth everyday without getting exchanged out (In Zeb's class the teacher sends a reading level appropriate book home with a sign out sheet attached. The child is supposed to read the book, and once you feel he is reading it fluently, without too many stumbles you sign off on it, it goes back to school and then she sends another one. This doesn't happen in ever class, only in the classes where the teacher has the books to send home, I know that a friend of mine, who's daughter went to the same school as Zeb never had take home books, and she was kind of pissed that Zeb was afforded this and her daughter didn't get that luxury). Anyway, seeing that book still in there, knowing that the teacher never received the permission slip and still feeling the anger from being verbally attacked when my kid got home all came together and I sat down and wrote my own note to the teacher. I asked why the same take home reading book was still in his folder from Jan. 10, I asked why is that I have no idea what day they are on because without that information how are us parents able to help remind our children about such things as library books, and for the love of God could we please come up with a better method of getting her important things like money and permission slips as the current way is not working and is very frustrating!!! I know that my note was not really angry, but it wasn't exactly cordial either. I am getting quite frustrated with all the chaos, and for the love of my sanity, we need to find a better way. As for the mini quiz, we all just sort of jumped into the information that night, getting Zeb all excited about geography. The next day Damie printed off some stuff at work that she thought would help with the learning. She brought home word searches for the continents and oceans, maps, quiz's, colouring pages etc. He was going to learn this stuff if it killed us, but actually it all came very easy. Zeb loved all the things he was given to do, and for the next two nights has come home from school and got right to the word searches and other work sheets. It's been really nice to see. As for my note to the teacher, she sent home a long letter explaining the day they are on, and that I should have go something the first day of class (but I think she is forgetting that Zeb started at that school a month after everyone else and because of that I think some things were forgotten), I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one. She also answered the question about the take home reading book, and that what was to happen was Zeb was to come to her when the sheet was signed off and then she would replace the book. She thought that since he didn't come to her, that he was still working on it. All I could think of was, the kid has ADHD maybe it's time we give him some slack and ask him how he is doing on such things as take home reading books. Maybe she doesn't have time every day to do such things, but really it's been more than two weeks now....I don't know maybe I expect too much.
Both Zeb and I had doctors appointments this week. I had to see the doctor as well as my therapist, Zeb needed to see the doctor to get weighed and to talk about his ADHD meds and how we feel things are going. We have decided to tweak his meds for now and see if we can't get some better results. We feel there is no sense medicating him if we are not getting the best results from those meds as possible as it will not do him any favors.
My therapy appointment went well, it's been a while since I have seen her and it was good to get back to the work. There is so many area's I need to put forth some effort into so that I can better understand why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I do. I think that knowing where I have been and what that has done to me will help me in my here and now. I am realizing just how much my childhood has effected my life today, and how much work is involved to repair that damage. There is nothing I can do about the past, it is what it is, but there are things I can do now that will impact my life in positive ways. I am a very strong person, and sometimes I forget that. No one could have lived through my childhood without being strong. I was not one of those people who, while being abused, went to a safe place in my mind and got lost into that world while all the bad things were going on. I was present through it all. It is amazing how much being sexually abused effects your day to day life. I don't trust people the way I should, I can't actually even fathom it. I have realized that I can't put Zeb into any situation where there would ever be a closed door. By that I mean, if there was an area where I couldn't enter. And that feeling of fear is just increased by stories of abuse. We all know about the abuse that happened in Penn State, and how so many knew about it, witnessed it and did nothing. No one is safe, no place is safe. I don't believe there are enough honourable people out in the world today who would actually keep our children safe. We, as a society, have not actually made up our minds when it comes to childhood sexual assault. Sure most of us feel it is disgusting when we here stories like Penn State, but when it hits home and is happening to someone you know or love or it is being done by someone we know or love, our tune changes about how bad it really is. and sometimes we turn our heads and not get involved to save a relationship or a marriage or a family. When I say that what I mean is, if it is happening outside of your life you feel that those people committing child sexual assault should be burned at the stake. There isn't any sane person who would not say that. But if that childhood sexual assault happens in your own back yard, in your own locker room, in your own basement, well then we are confused as to what to do. No one at Penn State wanted to get involved because they wanted to keep their standing and not make waves. No one there felt enough outrage to beat down the police's doors to get those children help. Can you imagine what it must have felt like to be that boy being raped in that shower stall and seeing someone come in see what was happening and leave the room. He must have felt, now someone will help me, it wont be long until someone is here to stop this from happening, finally I am safe. What he must have felt like when no one came, when no one stopped it, when no one felt that what was happening to him was wrong. The shame that child must have felt when no one came to help him. He must have felt like he deserved this, like he did something wrong. How crippling that must have been for him, I can't believe he is even here to talk about it. But yet, even after hearing about that and also hearing that no one did anything to help that victim and all the others who came before and after that boy, there were people who stood up publicly and defended the coach. Said that he made a bad choice, that he should have done something more, but didn't. Then also went on to say that just because he failed in this area does not make him a dishonorable man. My question is, if you are not going to put yourself out on a limb, maybe in a place where you may come under fire, what makes you honorable. To me, honour comes from putting yourself out there for others no matter the cost to yourself. In my opinion he failed, but in other's it is so wishy washy!
My dad started radiation yesterday. It was very painful, and a very long day for him but it is something he has to do. I am glad he has found the strength to do this. He also went to see a kemo doctor yesterday. For a while I was a little afraid that he was holding out hope that this was not going to take him, that he would get better. I was glad to hear that he was going to go see a kemo doctor so that the doctor would make it crystal clear to him what in fact is going to happen. Well that is what happened yesterday. I know his hopes were shattered, but in some way I feel that it is better than holding onto some belief that you will get through this just to later find out that it has all been a waste of time. I feel this way because I do hope that he takes the last days and weeks of his life to dot every I and cross every T, and then when that final day comes he will be ready. It would mean so much to me to know that at the end he goes having nothing unsaid, instead of having him regretting that he has run out of time.
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